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In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In many cultures across various countries, parents have diverse methods of raising children. Many people believe that hard work will help children achieve their goals. In my opinion, I will discuss these views and present my opinion.
On one hand, teaching children that hard work can guarantee success has several advantages. To start with, if children attempt a skill challenge, they are more likely to succeed. For example, the development of skills requires time to practice. When children observe individuals performing skills in parks, stadiums, and TV shows, they will be inspired and strive to emulate the actions of adults. However, the first attempts of children to mimic often fail. If they want to succeed, they will never give up and continue practicing. As a result, the child will achieve their goals. More importantly, the role of valuing hard work extends beyond mere motivation; it can also help children develop positively in their studies. For instance, when a child is studying mathematics in school, the teacher assigns homework to students. The assigned tasks are extremely challenging. The child will explore various methods to complete the homework, which fosters an inquisitive personality.
On the other hand, the primary disadvantage of the notion that diligence ensures success is that it may lead children to spend excessive time on tasks and experience unexpected outcomes. For example, a child aspiring to become a singer requires a good voice. However, when they are born, human voices are different, as voice is a talent. Therefore, children spending too much time studying in centers may find it to be a fruitless endeavor.
In conclusion, teaching children that hard work can lead to success is a powerful motivator, but it is essential to balance this message with the understanding that not all efforts will yield the desired results.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In many cultures across various countries" -> "Across various cultures in numerous countries"
    Explanation: The phrase "across various cultures in numerous countries" is more concise and maintains a formal tone, enhancing the academic style of the sentence.

  2. "Many people believe" -> "Many individuals contend"
    Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal and precise term than "believe," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.

  3. "In my opinion, I will discuss these views and present my opinion." -> "This essay will explore these perspectives and present my analysis."
    Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and informal. The revised version is more concise and appropriate for academic writing, focusing on the analysis rather than the personal opinion.

  4. "teaching children that hard work can guarantee success" -> "instructing children that diligence can ensure success"
    Explanation: "Instructing" is more formal than "teaching," and "diligence" is a more precise term than "hard work" in this context, aligning better with academic language.

  5. "if children attempt a skill challenge" -> "when children attempt a skill challenge"
    Explanation: "When" is more precise and formal than "if," which implies uncertainty, which is not suitable for the context.

  6. "they are more likely to succeed" -> "they are more likely to achieve success"
    Explanation: "Achieve success" is a more formal expression than "succeed," which is somewhat informal and vague.

  7. "the development of skills requires time to practice" -> "skill development necessitates practice over time"
    Explanation: "Necessitates" is more formal than "requires," and "over time" is a more precise temporal specification than "to practice."

  8. "When children observe individuals performing skills in parks, stadiums, and TV shows" -> "Children observing individuals demonstrating skills in parks, stadiums, and on television"
    Explanation: "Demonstrating" is more specific than "performing," and "on television" is more formal than "TV shows."

  9. "the first attempts of children to mimic often fail" -> "children’s initial attempts to mimic frequently fail"
    Explanation: "Children’s initial attempts" is more formal and precise than "the first attempts of children," and "frequently" is more formal than "often."

  10. "the child will achieve their goals" -> "the child will attain their objectives"
    Explanation: "Attain" is a more formal synonym for "achieve," and "objectives" is a more precise term than "goals" in an academic context.

  11. "the role of valuing hard work extends beyond mere motivation" -> "the significance of valuing diligence transcends mere motivation"
    Explanation: "Significance" and "transcends" are more formal and precise than "role" and "extends beyond," respectively.

  12. "the assigned tasks are extremely challenging" -> "the assigned tasks are exceedingly difficult"
    Explanation: "Exceedingly difficult" is a more formal and precise way to describe the level of challenge in academic writing.

  13. "the child will explore various methods to complete the homework" -> "the child will investigate various methods to complete the assignments"
    Explanation: "Investigate" is more formal than "explore," and "assignments" is a more precise term than "homework" in an academic context.

  14. "spending too much time studying in centers" -> "expenditure of excessive time in training centers"
    Explanation: "Expenditure of excessive time" is a more formal and precise way to describe the amount of time spent, and "training centers" is a more specific term than "studying in centers."

  15. "may find it to be a fruitless endeavor" -> "may find it to be an unproductive endeavor"
    Explanation: "Unproductive" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "fruitless," which is somewhat informal and colloquial.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of teaching children that hard work can lead to success. The advantages are well articulated, focusing on motivation and skill development, while the disadvantages highlight potential pitfalls, such as unrealistic expectations and the importance of innate talent. However, the discussion could benefit from a more explicit connection to the cultural context mentioned in the prompt, which would enhance the depth of the analysis.
    • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the essay could incorporate specific cultural examples or perspectives that illustrate how different cultures interpret the relationship between hard work and success. This would provide a richer context and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that acknowledges both sides of the argument. The writer clearly states their opinion in the introduction and reinforces it in the conclusion. However, the phrasing in some sections could be more assertive to enhance clarity. For instance, the phrase "in my opinion, I will discuss these views" could be more direct in stating the writer’s stance.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use more definitive language throughout the essay. Phrases like "I believe" or "It is clear that" can help assert the writer’s viewpoint more strongly. Additionally, summarizing the position in each body paragraph can reinforce the overall argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, with clear examples illustrating both the advantages and disadvantages of the message about hard work. The examples provided, such as the child learning mathematics and the aspiring singer, are relevant and help to clarify the points made. However, some ideas could be further developed; for instance, the discussion on how hard work fosters an inquisitive personality could benefit from additional elaboration.
    • How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and substantiate ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, expanding on how hard work in academics leads to long-term benefits or discussing the psychological impact of failure could add depth. Using statistics or studies to support claims can also strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s focus on the advantages and disadvantages of the message about hard work. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of "inquisitive personality" while relevant, strays slightly from the core focus on success and effort.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the advantages or disadvantages of the message about hard work. A brief outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all points are pertinent to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs for both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. The ideas are generally organized logically, with the advantages discussed first, followed by the disadvantages. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be smoother; the shift from discussing advantages to disadvantages feels somewhat abrupt. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" is effective but could be enhanced with a brief summary of the previous point to reinforce the contrast.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that summarize the previous point before introducing the next. For example, after discussing the advantages, you might add, "While the benefits of hard work are significant, it is also important to recognize the potential drawbacks."
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with one paragraph dedicated to advantages and another to disadvantages. Each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. However, the body paragraphs could be further developed to include more detailed examples and explanations, particularly in the disadvantages section, which feels less robust compared to the advantages.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on the main idea. For instance, in the disadvantages paragraph, you could expand on the idea of talent versus hard work by providing additional examples or discussing the emotional impact of failure on children.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "for example," "more importantly," and "however." These devices help to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. The essay primarily relies on a few basic connectors, which may limit the overall fluidity and sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking phrases and words. For instance, you could use "in addition," "conversely," or "furthermore" to enhance connections between ideas. Additionally, varying sentence structures can improve cohesion; for example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "the child," consider using participial phrases or subordinate clauses to create more complex sentences.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "diverse methods," "skill challenge," "inspired," and "inquisitive personality." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "hard work" and "success," which appear multiple times without variation. The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider using synonyms or related phrases to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "hard work," you might use "diligence," "effort," or "perseverance." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "resilience," "determination," or "achievement," could elevate the essay’s lexical resource.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "the role of valuing hard work extends beyond mere motivation" could be clearer if rephrased to specify how it extends beyond motivation. Furthermore, the term "fruitless endeavor" is somewhat vague; it could be more impactful if it specified what kind of endeavors are being referred to.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on clarifying your ideas with more specific language. Instead of saying "the role of valuing hard work," you might say "the importance of hard work in achieving personal and academic goals." Additionally, when discussing examples, ensure that the vocabulary directly relates to the context, such as specifying what "fruitless endeavors" entail (e.g., "pursuing a singing career without the necessary vocal talent").
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy, with no significant errors noted. Words like "mathematics," "challenge," and "explore" are spelled correctly, reflecting a solid grasp of spelling conventions. However, there is a minor inconsistency in the use of "human voices are different," which could be misinterpreted as implying that all human voices differ without context.
    • How to improve: To maintain and enhance spelling accuracy, continue practicing writing and proofreading your work. Consider using tools like spell checkers or engaging in exercises that focus on commonly misspelled words. Additionally, ensure that sentences are structured clearly to avoid ambiguity, which can sometimes lead to misinterpretation of the intended meaning.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the essay can achieve a higher score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of conditional sentences ("if children attempt a skill challenge, they are more likely to succeed") effectively conveys hypothetical situations. Additionally, the essay employs introductory phrases such as "To start with" and "On the other hand," which help in organizing ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way sentences are initiated (e.g., many sentences begin with "the child" or "children"), which can limit the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider varying the subject of sentences and incorporating more complex structures, such as relative clauses or participial phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly starting with "the child," you could use phrases like "By engaging in various activities, children…" or "Through persistent practice, young learners…" This will not only add variety but also improve the flow of the essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. However, there are some awkward phrasings and minor grammatical issues. For example, the phrase "the first attempts of children to mimic often fail" could be more clearly expressed as "children’s initial attempts to mimic often fail." Additionally, the sentence "However, when they are born, human voices are different, as voice is a talent" is somewhat confusing and could be rephrased for clarity. Punctuation is mostly correct, but the use of commas could be improved in some areas to enhance readability.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on refining sentence clarity and structure. Review sentences for awkward phrasing and consider rewording them for better flow. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation, especially in complex sentences. For example, when using conjunctions or introductory phrases, ensure that commas are placed correctly to avoid run-on sentences. Practicing with grammar exercises focused on common errors can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical clarity. By implementing the suggested strategies, the overall quality of the writing can be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many cultures across various countries, parents employ diverse methods of raising children. Many individuals contend that hard work will help children achieve their goals. In my opinion, this essay will explore these perspectives and present my analysis.

On one hand, instructing children that diligence can ensure success has several advantages. To start with, when children attempt a skill challenge, they are more likely to achieve success. For example, skill development necessitates practice over time. When children observe individuals demonstrating skills in parks, stadiums, and on television, they will be inspired and strive to emulate the actions of adults. However, children’s initial attempts to mimic frequently fail. If they want to succeed, they will never give up and continue practicing. As a result, the child will attain their objectives. More importantly, the significance of valuing diligence transcends mere motivation; it can also help children develop positively in their studies. For instance, when a child is studying mathematics in school, the teacher assigns homework to students. The assigned tasks are exceedingly difficult. The child will investigate various methods to complete the assignments, which fosters an inquisitive personality.

On the other hand, the primary disadvantage of the notion that diligence ensures success is that it may lead children to spend excessive time on tasks and experience unexpected outcomes. For example, a child aspiring to become a singer requires a good voice. However, when they are born, human voices differ, as voice is a talent. Therefore, children who expend excessive time in training centers may find it to be an unproductive endeavor.

In conclusion, teaching children that hard work can lead to success is a powerful motivator, but it is essential to balance this message with the understanding that not all efforts will yield the desired results.

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