In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Children in some nations are taught that as long as they are hard-working enough, they can achieve any goals. In my opinion, this message experts positive and negative impacts on them. This essay will examine both sides of this way of teaching.
On the one hand, giving children a message that working hard will lead to success can inspire their assiduity and diligence. For example, learning the second language is a challenging process for many students and it takes a long period to be competent. Children should be instructed that industriousness is conductive to enhance skills. Moreover, the pros of concentrating on hard-working factor is that children who are taught by this way will have a determination to face hurdles.
On the other hand, this message can be counterproductive and it leads to some drawbacks for children. Firstly, it causes to a workaholic generation where people always try to study and work as much as possible because they are educated that working hard is the main path to success. Secondly, this way of learning makes students overlook other important factors such as creativity. Sometimes, the failures are causes by other culprits instead of the lack of diligence. For instance, some students can fail the exam due to the deficiency in learning methods, not because of their industriousness.
To sum up, giving children a message about the efforts not only has advantages but also has disadvantages. Children should be taught to combine many sectors to have the best effect.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"experts positive and negative impacts" -> "exerts positive and negative impacts"
Explanation: The original phrase contains a typographical error; it should be "exerts" instead of "experts" to convey the intended meaning of exerting positive and negative impacts.
"This essay will examine both sides of this way of teaching." -> "This essay will explore both facets of this pedagogical approach."
Explanation: Replacing "examine" with "explore" and "way of teaching" with "pedagogical approach" enhances the academic tone of the sentence by using more sophisticated vocabulary.
"assiduity" -> "diligence"
Explanation: While "assiduity" is a valid word, "diligence" is more commonly used and aligns better with formal language in academic writing.
"learning the second language" -> "acquiring a second language"
Explanation: "Acquiring a second language" is a more precise and formal expression compared to "learning the second language."
"is conductive to enhance skills" -> "contributes to enhancing skills"
Explanation: The phrase "contributes to enhancing skills" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone, improving the clarity of the sentence.
"pros of concentrating on hard-working factor" -> "benefits of emphasizing the importance of hard work"
Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more explicit and formal expression, avoiding the use of the informal term "pros" and clarifying the subject of concentration.
"determination to face hurdles" -> "determination to overcome challenges"
Explanation: "Overcome challenges" is a more precise and formal phrase than "face hurdles," enhancing the overall academic tone of the sentence.
"it causes to a workaholic generation" -> "it leads to a generation of workaholics"
Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains clarity while using a more formal structure by replacing "causes to" with "leads to" and rephrasing "workaholic generation."
"people always try to study and work as much as possible" -> "individuals consistently strive to study and work extensively"
Explanation: The revised expression is more formal and replaces the colloquial "as much as possible" with "extensively" for a more academic tone.
"because they are educated that working hard is the main path to success" -> "as they are taught that diligent effort is the primary route to success"
Explanation: The alternative provides a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the colloquial "educated" and using "taught" to convey the message.
"this way of learning" -> "this approach to education"
Explanation: The substitution with "approach to education" is more formal and conveys a broader sense of the educational method being discussed.
"the failures are causes by other culprits" -> "failures may be caused by other factors"
Explanation: The revised phrase uses a more formal construction, replacing "are causes" with "may be caused" and "culprits" with "factors" for clarity.
"instead of the lack of diligence" -> "rather than a lack of diligence"
Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more formal and precise expression, replacing the informal "instead of" with "rather than" for academic writing.
"Children should be taught to combine many sectors" -> "Children should be encouraged to integrate various aspects"
Explanation: The alternative uses a more formal term, "integrate," instead of "combine many sectors," to convey the idea of combining different elements for a comprehensive understanding.
"to have the best effect" -> "for optimal outcomes"
Explanation: The phrase "for optimal outcomes" is more formal and precise than "to have the best effect," enhancing the overall academic tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses both advantages and disadvantages of the message that children can achieve anything through hard work. However, the coverage is somewhat limited, and the essay could provide more depth and analysis, especially regarding the specific advantages and disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, consider offering more specific examples for each point and elaborate on the advantages and disadvantages with more detail. Ensure that every aspect of the prompt is thoroughly explored.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat clear position throughout. It states that the message has both positive and negative impacts, but the stance is not strongly articulated. The conclusion, while summarizing the dual nature of the message, could be more decisive.
- How to improve: Strengthen the thesis statement by clearly stating whether the overall impact of the message is positive, negative, or balanced. Ensure that this position is consistently reflected in the body paragraphs.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in their exploration. For instance, the point about a workaholic generation and the neglect of creativity could be expanded with concrete examples and supporting details.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, include specific examples, anecdotes, or data to bolster your arguments. Provide more context and explanation to make your points more convincing and insightful.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but could be more focused. Some points, such as the discussion on learning methods, feel tangential to the main theme.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to addressing the advantages and disadvantages of the message given to children. Avoid introducing ideas that do not directly relate to the main topic, maintaining a clear and focused discussion.
In summary, while the essay provides a comprehensive view of the advantages and disadvantages of the message, there is room for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, and focus. Strengthening the thesis, expanding on ideas with specific examples, and ensuring each part directly addresses the prompt will contribute to a more cohesive and well-developed essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the structure of individual sentences and the flow between ideas. For instance, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother, and some sentences lack clarity in expressing ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on ensuring each sentence contributes clearly to the overall argument. Use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through the flow of ideas. For instance, consider using words like "however" or "on the contrary" when shifting between advantages and disadvantages.
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but there is inconsistency in their structure and effectiveness. While some paragraphs have a clear topic sentence and supporting details, others lack coherence. The second paragraph, for instance, could benefit from a clearer topic sentence and more developed supporting points.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Develop each point with relevant details and examples. Review and refine paragraph transitions to create a smoother flow between ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a limited range of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." While these are effective, there is a need for more varied devices to create a stronger connection between sentences and ideas. Some sentences lack clear connections, affecting the overall cohesion.
- How to improve: Experiment with a wider variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transition words, and pronouns. Ensure that the relationship between sentences is explicit, making it easier for the reader to follow the essay’s progression. For example, use words like "furthermore" or "in contrast" to strengthen the connections between ideas.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in sentence-level organization, paragraph structure, and the use of diverse cohesive devices. Focusing on these aspects will contribute to a more polished and well-connected essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. There is evidence of the author attempting to incorporate a variety of words, but the usage lacks consistency and precision. For instance, words like "assiduity," "conductive," and "culprits" contribute to variety, but there is room for improvement in terms of selecting more sophisticated and contextually appropriate vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more nuanced and precise terms. For example, instead of "challenging," use words like "daunting" or "formidable." Additionally, pay attention to collocations and idiomatic expressions to demonstrate a higher level of lexical sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. While there are instances of appropriate word choice, such as "determination" and "hurdles," some expressions like "conductive to enhance skills" could be more precisely phrased. The use of general terms like "industriousness" may benefit from more specific language.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "conductive to enhance skills," consider saying "conducive to skill enhancement." Replace broad terms like "industriousness" with more specific descriptors that capture the nuanced aspects of hard work, such as "persistent effort" or "diligent labor."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of errors, such as "experts" instead of "exerts," "assiduity" instead of "diligence," and "conductive" instead of "conducive." These errors do not significantly impede comprehension but can be improved for a more polished presentation.
- How to improve: Develop a habit of proofreading the essay to catch spelling errors. Pay close attention to frequently misspelled words, and consider using tools like spell-check software to enhance accuracy. Additionally, reviewing the correct spelling of less common terms before writing may contribute to improved spelling precision.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a competent level of lexical resource, refining vocabulary selection for precision and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy will contribute to a more refined and sophisticated piece of writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but more variety could be introduced to enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing. For instance, there is a consistent use of basic sentence structures, and the essay would benefit from incorporating more complex sentence constructions, such as compound and complex sentences.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a variety of sentence types, including compound and complex sentences. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, try combining ideas into compound sentences using coordinating conjunctions. Additionally, experiment with complex sentences by using subordinating conjunctions to introduce dependent clauses. This will add complexity to the writing and contribute to a higher score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits generally accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. For example, there is an error in the phrase "this message experts positive and negative impacts," where "experts" should be replaced with "exerts." Punctuation, such as missing commas in certain places, affects the overall clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and word choice to avoid grammatical errors. Proofread the essay for missing or misused punctuation marks, ensuring proper comma placement for clarity. Consider revising sentences that may be ambiguous or confusing due to punctuation errors. Strengthening these aspects will enhance the grammatical accuracy of the essay and contribute to a higher score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.
Bài sửa mẫu
Children in certain societies are often imparted with the belief that success is attainable through hard work. In my view, this message exerts both positive and negative impacts on them. This essay will explore both facets of this pedagogical approach.
On the positive side, instilling the idea that diligent effort leads to success can inspire children to exhibit assiduity and diligence. For instance, acquiring a second language is a challenging process for many students, requiring a considerable amount of time for competency. It is beneficial for children to be taught that industriousness contributes to enhancing skills. Moreover, emphasizing the importance of hard work instills in children the determination to overcome challenges.
On the flip side, this message can have counterproductive effects and lead to certain drawbacks for children. Firstly, it may result in the formation of a generation of workaholics, where individuals consistently strive to study and work extensively. This is because they are taught that diligent effort is the primary route to success. Secondly, this approach to education may cause students to overlook other crucial factors, such as creativity. Sometimes, failures may be caused by other factors rather than a lack of diligence. For instance, some students may fail exams due to deficiencies in learning methods, not solely because of their industriousness.
In conclusion, delivering a message to children about the importance of effort brings both advantages and disadvantages. Children should be encouraged to integrate various aspects for optimal outcomes, recognizing that a well-rounded approach is essential for success.