In some cultures, children are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. what are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

Nowadays, many youngsters usually hear that they can be successful if they work hard. While this situation brings them numerous positive impacts, there are also some potential drawbacks.
Yuong people can gain several benefits for their life and career. Studying hard gives them countless knowledge so that they become intelligent people and they can tackle with any problems. Moreover, they can have better experiences after trying hard, lead to they might know how to reach to the right paths in the future and they also have a lot of confidence to do anything that they desire.
Many negative impacts can be occured if they implement this message.First of all, they maybe just focus on work and study, resulting in lack of entertainment. Therefore, children will be tired and will have some health issues. In addition, they may feel disappointed if they could not attend what they want although they already worked so hard, causing they will give up and will not continue to persue them dream anymore.
In conclusion, young children are brought both advantages and disadvantages from this message. Parents should be careful when telling them this sentence due to their different enviroments.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"many youngsters usually hear" -> "many young people are often told"
Explanation: "Young people" is a more formal term than "youngsters," and "are often told" is more precise than "usually hear," which sounds less formal and more conversational.
"they can be successful if they work hard" -> "they can achieve success through diligence"
Explanation: "Achieve success through diligence" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "be successful if they work hard," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"brings them numerous positive impacts" -> "has numerous positive effects"
Explanation: "Has numerous positive effects" is more precise and formal than "brings them numerous positive impacts," which is less commonly used in academic writing.
"Yuong" -> "Young"
Explanation: This is a typographical error, correcting "Yuong" to "Young" to maintain the integrity of the text.
"gives them countless knowledge" -> "provides them with extensive knowledge"
Explanation: "Provides them with extensive knowledge" is more formal and precise than "gives them countless knowledge," which is vague and informal.
"tackle with any problems" -> "address any challenges"
Explanation: "Address any challenges" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "tackle with any problems," which uses an informal preposition and verb.
"they can have better experiences after trying hard, lead to they might know how to reach to the right paths" -> "they may gain valuable insights after persistent effort, enabling them to navigate the correct paths"
Explanation: This revision clarifies and formalizes the sentence structure, replacing informal phrases with more precise and academically suitable language.
"Many negative impacts can be occured" -> "Several negative consequences may occur"
Explanation: "Several negative consequences may occur" is more formal and corrects the grammatical error in "can be occured."
"they maybe just focus on work and study" -> "they may solely focus on work and study"
Explanation: "May solely focus" is more precise and formal than "maybe just focus," which is informal and vague.
"resulting in lack of entertainment" -> "resulting in a lack of leisure activities"
Explanation: "A lack of leisure activities" is a more specific and formal term than "lack of entertainment," which is somewhat vague.
"they may feel disappointed if they could not attend what they want" -> "they may feel disappointed if they fail to achieve their desired outcomes"
Explanation: "Fail to achieve their desired outcomes" is more formal and precise than "could not attend what they want," which is awkward and informal.
"causing they will give up and will not continue to persue them dream anymore" -> "leading them to abandon their aspirations"
Explanation: "Leading them to abandon their aspirations" is a more formal and academically appropriate expression than the informal and grammatically incorrect "causing they will give up and will not continue to persue them dream anymore."
"young children are brought both advantages and disadvantages" -> "young children experience both advantages and disadvantages"
Explanation: "Experience" is a more precise verb in this context than "are brought," which is less commonly used in this sense.
"Parents should be careful when telling them this sentence" -> "Parents should exercise caution when conveying this message"
Explanation: "Exercise caution when conveying this message" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "be careful when telling them this sentence," which is informal and awkward.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the advantages and disadvantages of the message that children can achieve anything through hard work. However, it lacks depth in exploring these aspects. The advantages are mentioned, such as gaining knowledge and confidence, but they are not sufficiently elaborated upon. The disadvantages are also briefly noted, but the explanations are vague and lack specific examples or details that would strengthen the argument. For instance, the mention of health issues due to a lack of entertainment could be expanded with examples or statistics to provide more weight to the argument.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should ensure that each point made is supported with specific examples or scenarios. For instance, when discussing the advantages, they could include how hard work has led to success stories of well-known individuals. Similarly, for disadvantages, providing a case study or example of a child who faced negative consequences could enhance the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general stance that there are both benefits and drawbacks to the message given to children. However, the position is not consistently clear throughout the essay. The transitions between advantages and disadvantages are abrupt, and the conclusion does not reinforce the overall position effectively. The phrase "this situation brings them numerous positive impacts" is vague and does not clearly state what those impacts are.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. Additionally, they should ensure that the conclusion summarizes the key points made and reiterates the importance of balancing the message given to children.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat underdeveloped. While the writer mentions several points regarding the advantages and disadvantages, they do not extend these ideas sufficiently. For example, the claim that studying hard leads to intelligence is made, but it is not supported with evidence or examples. The disadvantages are similarly stated without adequate support, such as the vague mention of health issues without elaboration.
- How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should aim to provide at least one or two specific examples or anecdotes for each point made. This could involve discussing how hard work has led to success in specific fields or how a lack of balance between work and play has negatively impacted children’s well-being.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of the message given to children. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the discussion of disadvantages. The phrase "causing they will give up and will not continue to persue them dream anymore" is somewhat off-topic as it introduces a new idea without sufficient context or development.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates back to the advantages and disadvantages of the message. They should avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion and instead summarize the main points discussed in the body of the essay.

Overall, the essay needs to be more developed in terms of content and clarity. By providing specific examples, maintaining a clear position, and ensuring that all points are well-supported, the writer can improve their score in the Task Response criteria. Additionally, addressing the word count issue is crucial, as being under the required word count can significantly impact the overall score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks is somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that prepares the reader for the shift in focus. The ideas within each paragraph are generally relevant, but some points could be better developed to enhance clarity. For example, the benefits of hard work are introduced but could be elaborated with specific examples or clearer connections to the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the essay. For instance, after discussing the benefits, a phrase like "On the other hand" could effectively signal the transition to the drawbacks. Additionally, ensuring that each point is fully developed with examples or explanations will strengthen the overall coherence of the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with separate sections for advantages and disadvantages. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their focus. The first paragraph discusses benefits but mixes different ideas without clear topic sentences or supporting details. The second paragraph addresses drawbacks but lacks a clear structure, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For instance, the advantages paragraph could start with "One significant advantage of encouraging children to work hard is the development of resilience and problem-solving skills." This would provide a clearer focus for the paragraph. Additionally, breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more manageable sentences can enhance readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover" and "In addition," to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "leading to they might know how to reach to the right paths" is awkwardly constructed and could benefit from a more straightforward connection.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Consequently," or "As a result." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used correctly and enhances the clarity of the sentence. For example, revising the awkward phrase to "which may help them identify the right paths" would improve clarity and flow.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score further. Focusing on clarity, coherence, and a variety of linking phrases will enhance the overall effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "successful," "positive impacts," "intelligent," and "health issues." However, the use of phrases such as "countless knowledge" and "tackle with any problems" indicates a limited range and occasional awkwardness in expression. The phrase "right paths" is somewhat vague and could be expressed more precisely.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied and sophisticated synonyms. For instance, instead of "countless knowledge," they could use "a wealth of knowledge" or "extensive knowledge." Additionally, replacing "tackle with any problems" with "address any challenges" would improve clarity and sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "can be occured" which should be "can occur," and "they might know how to reach to the right paths" which could be more clearly stated as "they may learn how to navigate their future paths." The phrase "leading to they might know" is also awkward and unclear.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. They should also pay attention to grammatical structures. For example, revising "leading to they might know" to "which may help them understand" would enhance clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Yuong" instead of "Young," "enviroments" instead of "environments," and "pursue" instead of "persue." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the essay and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, the use of simple sentences like "Studying hard gives them countless knowledge" is effective but lacks complexity. There are attempts at more complex structures, such as "Moreover, they can have better experiences after trying hard, lead to they might know how to reach to the right paths in the future," but the phrasing is awkward and grammatically incorrect, which hinders clarity. Additionally, the sentence "Many negative impacts can be occured if they implement this message" contains a misuse of the passive voice.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences with subordinate clauses. For example, instead of "they can tackle with any problems," they could say, "they can tackle any problems that arise." Practicing the use of relative clauses and conditional sentences can also add depth to the writing. Furthermore, varying the sentence beginnings and using transitional phrases would improve the flow and coherence of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "can be occured" is incorrect; the correct form is "can occur." The phrase "resulting in lack of entertainment" should be "resulting in a lack of entertainment." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing spaces after periods and commas, as seen in "message.First of all," which should be "message. First of all,". The essay also suffers from inconsistent verb tenses and awkward phrasing that detracts from the overall readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that each sentence is complete and correctly structured will enhance clarity. Using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct mistakes before final submission.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, there is a need for greater variety in sentence structures and improved grammatical accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their overall score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, many young people are often told that they can achieve success through diligence. While this message has numerous positive effects, there are also some potential drawbacks.

Young people can gain several benefits for their lives and careers. Studying hard provides them with extensive knowledge, enabling them to become intelligent individuals who can address any challenges they encounter. Moreover, they may gain valuable insights after persistent effort, allowing them to navigate the correct paths in the future. Additionally, this mindset instills a great deal of confidence, empowering them to pursue their desires.

However, several negative consequences may occur if they adopt this message uncritically. First of all, they may solely focus on work and study, resulting in a lack of leisure activities. Consequently, children may become fatigued and experience various health issues. Furthermore, they may feel disappointed if they fail to achieve their desired outcomes, leading them to abandon their aspirations altogether.

In conclusion, young children experience both advantages and disadvantages from this message. Parents should exercise caution when conveying this idea, taking into account their children’s different environments.