In some parts of the world, people try to find out one’s own family history. Why do people do this? Do you think it is positive or negative?

It is common in some nations for the young generations to make effort in learning about their heritage. Furthermore, some might argue that family values and national pride are the main reasons for this behavior. This essay aims to explain why that is the case and why understanding one’s root may help preserve cultures and precious lessons that were passed down by the previous generations.

In contrast to Western societies, which emphasize the importance of individuals, Asian countries tend to value families as the core of a person. This is reflected through various traditions, such as family businesses being passed down to the next generations instead of outsiders, which usually creates a strong connection between children and elders within the family. Moreover, a deep love for tradition can also manifest into a strong sense of national pride. This can be seen in the design of the Mongolian uniform in the 2024 Olympic, which was heavily inspired by their traditional clothes.

Such behavior should be celebrated and supported as it carries tremendous values for society. Not only do traditions represent a nation’s culture and personality, but they also contain various lessons. For example, despite modern medication labeled it as outdated and dangerous, Chinese medicines have been used successfully to treat patients with chronic conditions, which were previously given up by Western medication.

In conclusion, due to society’s emphasis on family values, people have made incredible attempts to connect to their own family history, which has helped preserve not only the national culture, but also valuable lessons being passed down generation by generation.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is common in some nations" -> "It is prevalent in certain countries"
Explanation: "Prevalent" is a more precise and formal term than "common," and "countries" is more specific than "nations," enhancing the academic tone of the statement.
"young generations" -> "younger generations"
Explanation: "Younger" is more specific and grammatically correct in this context, referring to the age group rather than the plural form "generations."
"make effort" -> "exert effort"
Explanation: "Exert effort" is a more formal expression that aligns better with academic language, emphasizing the active involvement in the process.
"family values and national pride" -> "family values and national identity"
Explanation: "National identity" is a more precise term that encompasses not only pride but also the broader cultural and historical aspects of being part of a nation.
"understanding one’s root" -> "understanding one’s heritage"
Explanation: "Heritage" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "root," which is vague and informal in this context.
"may help preserve cultures" -> "may aid in preserving cultures"
Explanation: "Aid in preserving" is a more formal and precise way to express the potential assistance in maintaining cultural heritage.
"precious lessons" -> "valuable lessons"
Explanation: "Valuable" is a more formal and academically suitable term than "precious," which can sound overly sentimental or colloquial.
"which usually creates a strong connection" -> "which often fosters a strong connection"
Explanation: "Fosters" is a more precise verb than "creates," as it implies nurturing and development over time, which is more suitable for describing the evolution of family connections.
"deep love for tradition" -> "deep affection for tradition"
Explanation: "Affection" is a more formal and precise term than "love," which can be seen as overly emotional for academic writing.
"manifest into a strong sense of national pride" -> "manifest as a strong sense of national pride"
Explanation: "As" is more grammatically correct than "into" in this context, as it correctly indicates the transformation or expression of the deep affection into national pride.
"the design of the Mongolian uniform in the 2024 Olympic" -> "the design of the Mongolian uniform for the 2024 Olympics"
Explanation: "For the 2024 Olympics" is grammatically correct and more specific, clarifying that the design is for the Olympic event.
"carries tremendous values" -> "conveys significant values"
Explanation: "Conveys" is a more precise verb than "carries," which is somewhat vague and informal in this context, and "significant" is more academically appropriate than "tremendous."
"labeled it as outdated and dangerous" -> "labeled it as outdated and ineffective"
Explanation: "Ineffective" is a more precise and formal term than "dangerous," which may imply a risk that is not necessarily inherent in the medicine itself.
"people have made incredible attempts" -> "individuals have made significant efforts"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "significant efforts" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase than "incredible attempts," which can be seen as overly emotional.
"connect to their own family history" -> "connect with their own family history"
Explanation: "Connect with" is grammatically correct and more formal than "connect to," which is less commonly used in this context.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. It discusses the reasons why individuals seek to learn about their family history, such as the emphasis on family values and national pride, and it also touches on the positive implications of this behavior. The introduction sets a clear framework for the discussion, and the body paragraphs provide relevant examples that support the reasons given. However, while the reasons are articulated well, the essay could benefit from a more explicit discussion of the negative aspects of exploring family history, which would provide a more balanced response.
- How to improve: To enhance the coverage of the prompt, the writer should explicitly address the negative implications of researching family history. This could involve discussing potential issues such as the emotional burden of uncovering difficult family histories or the risk of fostering exclusionary attitudes based on heritage.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the pursuit of family history is a positive endeavor. This is consistently reflected throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding remarks that emphasize the benefits of understanding one’s heritage. However, the position could be strengthened by acknowledging counterarguments or potential downsides, which would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To reinforce the clarity and consistency of the position, the writer should consider including a brief acknowledgment of opposing views or potential negative consequences. This could be done in a separate paragraph or integrated into the existing structure to enhance the essay’s depth.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly and supports them with relevant examples, such as the cultural significance of family businesses in Asian societies and the reference to traditional Mongolian attire. The discussion of Chinese medicine as a valuable lesson passed down through generations is particularly effective in illustrating the positive aspects of family history. However, some ideas could be further extended to provide more depth, particularly the examples given.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on examples more thoroughly. For instance, providing additional context about the impact of traditional practices on modern society or discussing specific benefits of understanding family history could enhance the argument’s persuasiveness.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for exploring family history and its positive implications. However, there are moments where the connection to the main topic could be clearer, particularly in the discussion of Chinese medicine, which, while relevant, could be more directly tied back to the theme of family history.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and discussions are explicitly linked back to the central theme of family history. This could involve framing examples in a way that highlights their relevance to the pursuit of understanding one’s heritage, thereby reinforcing the essay’s overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both positive and negative aspects, deeper elaboration of ideas, and tighter connections to the central topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the main points to be discussed, setting a clear expectation for the reader. The body paragraphs, however, could benefit from a more explicit connection to the essay’s thesis. For example, while the first body paragraph discusses the importance of family in Asian cultures, it could more directly tie this back to the reasons why people seek to understand their family history. The transition from discussing family values to national pride is logical, but the connection could be made clearer.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using topic sentences that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Each paragraph should start with a clear statement that indicates how it supports the overall argument. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each one focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the second body paragraph could be more cohesive. The example of the Mongolian uniform feels slightly disconnected from the main argument about family values and could be better integrated. The conclusion summarizes the main points well but could reiterate the significance of understanding family history more strongly.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and that examples are directly relevant to the main point of the paragraph. Consider using concluding sentences that summarize the paragraph’s main idea and link it back to the thesis. This will reinforce the connection between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Furthermore" and "Moreover," which help to link ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are moments where the connections between ideas could be strengthened. For instance, the transition from discussing family values to national pride could benefit from additional cohesive devices to clarify the relationship between these concepts.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "For instance," "As a result," or "Consequently." Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help maintain cohesion without repetitive phrasing. For example, instead of repeatedly using "traditions," you could refer to them as "these practices" or "cultural customs" to enhance variety and maintain the flow of ideas.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are opportunities for improvement in logical organization, paragraph focus, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and cohesiveness, ultimately enhancing its overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "heritage," "national pride," "traditions," and "medication." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and depth. For instance, the phrase "make effort in learning" could be expressed more succinctly as "make an effort to learn" or "strive to understand." Additionally, the use of "precious lessons" is somewhat vague and could be replaced with more specific terms that convey the intended meaning more clearly.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated expressions. For example, instead of repeating "traditions," they could use "customs," "heritage practices," or "cultural rituals." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can help broaden the lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "modern medication labeled it as outdated" could be misleading; it would be clearer to say "modern medicine often regards it as outdated." Additionally, "the design of the Mongolian uniform in the 2024 Olympic" is vague; specifying "the Mongolian Olympic team uniform" would clarify the subject.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity in their word choices. They can practice by rewriting sentences to eliminate ambiguity. For example, instead of "which usually creates a strong connection," they could say "which fosters a strong bond," providing a clearer picture of the relationship dynamics.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only minor errors. However, the term "medication" is used correctly, but the phrase "Chinese medicines" could be more accurately stated as "Chinese medicine," as it refers to a holistic practice rather than multiple types of medicine. Additionally, "previous generations" is correct, but the phrase "being passed down" could be more effectively stated as "passed down" to avoid unnecessary wordiness.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and phrases. Utilizing spell-check tools and engaging in regular writing practice can also help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in expanding lexical variety, enhancing precision, and ensuring spelling accuracy. By actively working on these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence effectively uses a complex structure: "It is common in some nations for the young generations to make effort in learning about their heritage." This showcases an understanding of how to convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances where sentence variety could be improved. For example, the phrase "which usually creates a strong connection between children and elders within the family" could be restructured to enhance clarity and impact.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence beginnings and use different conjunctions to connect ideas. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This" or "Moreover," the writer could use phrases like "In addition to this" or "Furthermore," which would create a more engaging flow. Additionally, employing more conditional sentences or questions could also add depth to the argument.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, the phrase "the young generations to make effort" should be "the young generation to make an effort," as "generations" is plural and does not match the singular subject. Additionally, punctuation issues arise, such as in the sentence "despite modern medication labeled it as outdated and dangerous," which lacks a conjunction or a clearer structure to connect the clauses.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. A thorough proofreading process can help catch these errors. Furthermore, practicing the use of relative clauses could improve sentence clarity. For example, the writer could revise "which were previously given up by Western medication" to "which Western medicine had previously abandoned," which clarifies the subject and improves the flow of the sentence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is common in some nations for younger generations to exert effort in learning about their heritage. Furthermore, some might argue that family values and national pride are the main reasons for this behavior. This essay aims to explain why that is the case and why understanding one’s roots may aid in preserving cultures and the precious lessons that were passed down by previous generations.

In contrast to Western societies, which emphasize the importance of individuals, Asian countries tend to value families as the core of a person. This is reflected through various traditions, such as family businesses being passed down to the next generations instead of outsiders, which usually creates a strong connection between children and elders within the family. Moreover, a deep affection for tradition can also manifest as a strong sense of national pride. This can be seen in the design of the Mongolian uniform for the 2024 Olympics, which was heavily inspired by their traditional clothes.

Such behavior should be celebrated and supported as it carries tremendous values for society. Not only do traditions represent a nation’s culture and personality, but they also contain various lessons. For example, despite modern medication labeling it as outdated and dangerous, Chinese medicine has been used successfully to treat patients with chronic conditions, which were previously given up by Western medicine.

In conclusion, due to society’s emphasis on family values, individuals have made significant efforts to connect with their own family history, which has helped preserve not only the national culture but also valuable lessons being passed down from generation to generation.