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In the 20th century, contact between many different parts of the world has developed rapidly through air travel and telecommunications. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages.

In the 20th century, contact between many different parts of the world has developed rapidly through air travel and telecommunications. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages.

In this day and age, communications around the globe seem to be much easier thanks to advancements in technologies and means of transport, especially telecommunications and air travel. This trend has both positive and negative impacts on the development of a country. This following essay will outline some of that.
There are several benefits that telecommunications and air travel bring to us as an individual and a nation as a whole. Firstly, improvements in telecommunications and air travel give us a chance to explore the world. For instance, through a flight journey, we can experience other cultures, thus it creates better cultural understanding and broadens our horizon. Another advantage of telecommunications, especially smartphones, is that we can establish new relationships with many people around the world just by sitting at home. For a country, telecommunications and air travel has brought a huge influx of tourists, which is a main factor in boosting the national economy.
That being said, it also has a negative side with many disadvantages. The primary drawback is that the development of telecommunications and traveling by planes take a toll on the environment. An influx of tourists into many natural tourist attractions has caused permanent damage to the environment by improper disposal of waste. Besides that, a larger number of holidaymakers also causes a great tension on the transport system, leading to overcrowding and poor sanitation. Additionally, the amount of CO2 emitted by tourism flights each year is one of the biggest causes for climate change nowadays.
In conclusion, the developments of telecommunications and air travel have brought numerous benefits and affected the lives of people. However, there still exist many drawbacks that need to be considered as I mentioned.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In this day and age" -> "In the contemporary era"
    Explanation: Replacing the colloquial expression "In this day and age" with the more formal "In the contemporary era" aligns with academic style and enhances the sophistication of the introduction.

  2. "seem to be much easier" -> "are considerably facilitated"
    Explanation: Substituting "seem to be much easier" with "are considerably facilitated" adds a formal touch and emphasizes the significant improvement brought about by advancements in technologies and means of transport.

  3. "Thanks to advancements" -> "Owing to technological progress"
    Explanation: Replacing "Thanks to advancements" with "Owing to technological progress" provides a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the informal tone of gratitude.

  4. "telecommunications and air travel bring to us" -> "telecommunications and air travel offer"
    Explanation: Changing "bring to us" to "offer" maintains a formal tone and presents the benefits of telecommunications and air travel in a more refined manner.

  5. "For instance" -> "For example"
    Explanation: Substituting "For instance" with "For example" is a more academically accepted transition, enhancing the essay’s formality.

  6. "thus it creates" -> "thereby fostering"
    Explanation: Replacing "thus it creates" with "thereby fostering" not only improves formality but also introduces a more precise and elevated vocabulary choice.

  7. "Another advantage of telecommunications, especially smartphones" -> "Additionally, the benefits of telecommunications, particularly smartphones"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "Additionally, the benefits of telecommunications, particularly smartphones" contributes to a more formal and organized presentation of ideas.

  8. "which is a main factor" -> "which constitutes a primary factor"
    Explanation: Changing "which is a main factor" to "which constitutes a primary factor" employs more sophisticated language, aligning with academic conventions.

  9. "That being said" -> "However"
    Explanation: Substituting "That being said" with "However" maintains the transition while adhering to a more formal expression.

  10. "drawback" -> "downside"
    Explanation: Replacing "drawback" with "downside" is a nuanced alternative that adds variety to the vocabulary while retaining the formal tone.

  11. "take a toll on" -> "have adverse effects on"
    Explanation: Replacing "take a toll on" with "have adverse effects on" provides a more formal and precise description of the negative impact.

  12. "permanent damage" -> "lasting harm"
    Explanation: Substituting "permanent damage" with "lasting harm" introduces a more formal term without sacrificing clarity.

  13. "improper disposal of waste" -> "inadequate waste management"
    Explanation: Changing "improper disposal of waste" to "inadequate waste management" enhances precision and formality in describing the environmental issue.

  14. "a larger number of holidaymakers" -> "an increased influx of tourists"
    Explanation: Substituting "a larger number of holidaymakers" with "an increased influx of tourists" offers a more formal and specific expression.

  15. "causes a great tension" -> "exerts significant strain"
    Explanation: Replacing "causes a great tension" with "exerts significant strain" introduces a more formal and nuanced vocabulary choice.

  16. "amount of CO2" -> "volume of CO2"
    Explanation: Changing "amount of CO2" to "volume of CO2" provides a more precise and formal term for discussing emissions.

  17. "causes for climate change" -> "contributing factor to climate change"
    Explanation: Substituting "causes for climate change" with "contributing factor to climate change" offers a more accurate and formal expression of the relationship between tourism flights and climate change.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "In this day and age, communications around the globe seem to be much easier thanks to advancements in technologies and means of transport, especially telecommunications and air travel. This trend has both positive and negative impacts on the development of a country. This following essay will outline some of that."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While your introduction indicates an awareness of the positive and negative impacts of telecommunications and air travel, it lacks a clear and specific thesis statement outlining your position on the advantages and disadvantages. Consider explicitly stating your stance in the introduction to provide a roadmap for your essay.
    • Improved example: "In the contemporary era, the ease of global communication owes much to technological advancements, particularly in telecommunications and air travel. This essay will delve into both the favorable and unfavorable effects of these developments on a nation’s progress. Personally, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks."
  2. Quoted text: "Firstly, improvements in telecommunications and air travel give us a chance to explore the world. For instance, through a flight journey, we can experience other cultures, thus it creates better cultural understanding and broadens our horizon."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your first supporting point is well-stated, emphasizing the cultural benefits of air travel. However, to strengthen your argument, provide a specific example or personal experience that illustrates this point. This will add depth and authenticity to your essay.
    • Improved example: "Firstly, advancements in telecommunications and air travel offer individuals the opportunity to explore diverse cultures. For instance, my own journey to [specific destination] exposed me to traditions and customs that significantly enriched my cultural understanding, emphasizing the transformative power of such experiences."
  3. Quoted text: "The primary drawback is that the development of telecommunications and traveling by planes take a toll on the environment. An influx of tourists into many natural tourist attractions has caused permanent damage to the environment by improper disposal of waste."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your second point highlights the environmental impact, but it would be more effective if you elaborated on how these negative consequences can be mitigated. Suggesting possible solutions demonstrates a deeper understanding of the issue and adds a constructive element to your argument.
    • Improved example: "The primary drawback lies in the environmental toll of telecommunications and air travel. The influx of tourists often leads to environmental degradation, particularly in natural tourist attractions. To address this, governments should implement stricter waste disposal policies and promote sustainable tourism practices, ensuring that these destinations remain preserved for future generations."

Overall, while your essay effectively addresses both sides of the prompt, enhancing the clarity of your thesis statement and providing more specific examples and solutions would elevate the depth of your argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas with a clear progression throughout. It effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as "firstly," and "in conclusion," contributing to a coherent flow. The essay also presents a clear central topic within each paragraph, addressing both advantages and disadvantages. While there is a range of cohesive devices, some underuse is observed, and certain transitions could be more seamless. Overall, the essay showcases a good understanding of cohesion and coherence principles.

How to Improve:

  1. Strengthen the use of cohesive devices by ensuring a more varied and consistent application.
  2. Work on transitioning between ideas more smoothly to enhance the overall coherence.
  3. Maintain a balance between the advantages and disadvantages presented in each paragraph for a more even distribution of information.
  4. Pay attention to minor grammatical and structural errors to further enhance overall cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. The writer effectively uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay discusses both advantages and disadvantages of telecommunications and air travel, showcasing a balanced approach. There is evidence of vocabulary variety, such as "influx of tourists," "cultural understanding," and "improper disposal of waste," contributing to a Band 7 score. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, like "toll on the environment," which could be more precisely expressed. Spelling and word formation are generally accurate, but there are minor errors, such as "communications" instead of "communication." These issues, though, do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, strive for more precision in word choice, ensuring that each term aligns closely with the intended meaning. Proofreading for minor errors, such as spelling and word formation, can further elevate the essay’s overall quality. Additionally, expanding the range of less common lexical items and refining their usage will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation overall. There is a variety of complex structures used throughout the essay, contributing to a sense of fluency. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing a solid control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as the sentence, "This trend has both positive and negative impacts on the development of a country," where the subject-verb agreement could be improved ("have both positive and negative impacts"). Additionally, in the sentence, "This following essay will outline some of that," the use of "that" is unclear, and the sentence structure could be refined for clarity.

How to improve:
To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. In sentences where complex structures are employed, it’s crucial to maintain clarity to prevent any ambiguity. Revisiting and refining specific sentences, like the one mentioned above, will contribute to a more precise and error-free expression of ideas. Overall, the writer should continue to focus on precision in language use to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s era, global communication appears significantly more accessible due to technological advancements and transportation enhancements, notably in telecommunications and air travel. This trend possesses both positive and negative impacts on a country’s progress. This essay will delineate these aspects.

Telecommunications and air travel offer numerous advantages for individuals and entire nations. Primarily, these advancements facilitate world exploration. For example, air travel enables us to immerse ourselves in diverse cultures, fostering better cultural understanding and expanding our perspectives. Moreover, telecommunications, particularly through smartphones, allows us to forge connections with individuals worldwide from the comfort of our homes. For a country, these advancements result in a substantial influx of tourists, a pivotal factor in bolstering the national economy.

However, these advancements also bear negative consequences. The foremost drawback revolves around their environmental toll. The surge in tourism, particularly in natural attractions, has inflicted permanent damage on the environment due to inadequate waste disposal. Furthermore, the increased number of holidaymakers strains transportation systems, leading to overcrowding and sanitation issues. Notably, the substantial volume of CO2 emitted by tourism flights significantly contributes to contemporary climate change.

In conclusion, the advancements in telecommunications and air travel have brought numerous benefits, impacting people’s lives significantly. Nevertheless, considerable drawbacks persist and necessitate careful consideration, as highlighted above.

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