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In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will it cause for individuals and society. Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing population?

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will it cause for individuals and society. Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing population?

It is widely known that people’s life expectancy on average is growing. This essay will focus on the consequences of this issue and the visible solution to tackle this problem.

On the one hand, it is evident that the increase in lifespan brings various merits for individuals and society. Firstly, increasing life expectancy would be a factor leading to a frightening rate in population growth. Consequently, the houses would witness a dramatic increase in prices; hence the soar in the proportion of the homeless. Secondly, if the number of residents who do not have the ability to earn for living is increasing, governments would have to spend more money on allowance and not have enough state funds for other important aspects. Therefore, to balance between allowance and other aspects, residents would receive less welfare by governments.

However, there are many methods to tackle this problem. The first solution is that governments should enact policies related to encouraging the immigration of young working adults. As a result, it would be better to increase tax revenues for the governments; simultaneously; reduce the heavy burden on governments. Another solution is that each individual should save money for retirement. By this way, when people reach their retirement age, they would have a certain amount of money to take care of themselves without the need to depend on their children or governments.

In conclusion, that average life expectancy is increasing causes numerous negative sides like homelessness and less welfare for residents; however, people can tackle it by the immigration of young working adults or saving money for retirement.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "people’s life expectancy on average is growing" -> "average life expectancy is increasing"
    Explanation: Simplifying "people’s life expectancy on average is growing" to "average life expectancy is increasing" removes redundancy and enhances clarity, aligning better with formal academic style.

  2. "This essay will focus on the consequences of this issue and the visible solution to tackle this problem." -> "This essay will examine the consequences of this trend and propose a viable solution to address it."
    Explanation: Replacing "focus on the consequences of this issue and the visible solution to tackle this problem" with "examine the consequences of this trend and propose a viable solution to address it" refines the language to be more precise and academically appropriate, using "examine" and "propose" to enhance the formal tone.

  3. "a frightening rate in population growth" -> "a significant increase in population growth"
    Explanation: Replacing "a frightening rate in population growth" with "a significant increase in population growth" removes the emotional connotation of "frightening" and uses more neutral language suitable for academic writing.

  4. "the houses would witness a dramatic increase in prices" -> "housing prices would experience a significant increase"
    Explanation: Changing "the houses would witness a dramatic increase in prices" to "housing prices would experience a significant increase" corrects the grammatical error and uses a more precise term "housing prices" to refer to the economic aspect.

  5. "the soar in the proportion of the homeless" -> "a surge in homelessness"
    Explanation: Replacing "the soar in the proportion of the homeless" with "a surge in homelessness" simplifies and clarifies the phrase, making it more direct and formal.

  6. "if the number of residents who do not have the ability to earn for living is increasing" -> "if the number of residents unable to earn a living increases"
    Explanation: Simplifying "if the number of residents who do not have the ability to earn for living is increasing" to "if the number of residents unable to earn a living increases" streamlines the sentence and removes redundancy, enhancing readability and formality.

  7. "governments would have to spend more money on allowance and not have enough state funds for other important aspects" -> "governments would need to allocate more funds to allowances, potentially compromising other essential expenditures"
    Explanation: Replacing "governments would have to spend more money on allowance and not have enough state funds for other important aspects" with "governments would need to allocate more funds to allowances, potentially compromising other essential expenditures" uses more precise and formal language, improving the clarity and specificity of the statement.

  8. "to balance between allowance and other aspects" -> "to balance allowance with other expenditures"
    Explanation: Changing "to balance between allowance and other aspects" to "to balance allowance with other expenditures" corrects the preposition and uses a more precise term "expenditures" to enhance the formal tone.

  9. "residents would receive less welfare by governments" -> "residents would receive reduced welfare from governments"
    Explanation: Replacing "residents would receive less welfare by governments" with "residents would receive reduced welfare from governments" corrects the preposition and uses "reduced" to specify the nature of the change in welfare, aligning with formal academic style.

  10. "each individual should save money for retirement" -> "individuals should save for retirement"
    Explanation: Changing "each individual should save money for retirement" to "individuals should save for retirement" simplifies and generalizes the statement, making it more inclusive and formal.

  11. "By this way" -> "In this manner"
    Explanation: Replacing "By this way" with "In this manner" corrects the idiomatic error and uses a more formal phrase suitable for academic writing.

  12. "they would have a certain amount of money to take care of themselves" -> "they would have sufficient funds to support themselves"
    Explanation: Changing "they would have a certain amount of money to take care of themselves" to "they would have sufficient funds to support themselves" uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the consequences of increasing life expectancy for individuals and society, as well as suggests measures to reduce the impact of an aging population. It discusses the problems of population growth, homelessness, and reduced welfare, and proposes solutions such as encouraging immigration and saving for retirement.
    • How to improve: To improve, ensure that each part of the question is thoroughly explored and supported with specific examples or evidence. Consider providing more detailed explanations and expanding on the consequences and solutions mentioned.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position on the problems caused by increasing life expectancy and the solutions to address them. The stance is consistent throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, explicitly state the main argument or position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Provide strong topic sentences for each paragraph to reinforce the essay’s position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the consequences of increasing life expectancy and offers solutions, but some ideas could be further developed and supported with more examples or reasoning. For instance, the impact of immigration on tax revenues could be elaborated.
    • How to improve: Extend each idea by providing more detailed explanations, examples, or real-life scenarios. Use statistics, studies, or expert opinions to support arguments and make them more convincing.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the problems and solutions related to increasing life expectancy. However, there are some instances where the focus could be sharper, such as providing more specific details about the consequences mentioned.
    • How to improve: To stay on topic, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main theme of increasing life expectancy and its implications. Avoid tangential discussions or unrelated examples to maintain focus.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses the consequences of increasing life expectancy and potential solutions. To improve, focus on providing more detailed explanations, supporting ideas with evidence, and maintaining a clear and consistent position throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically by presenting the consequences of increasing life expectancy in one paragraph and potential solutions in another. However, the transition between these two sections could be smoother to enhance coherence. Additionally, the essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which could improve the overall structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider structuring the essay with a clear introduction that outlines the main points, followed by separate paragraphs for consequences and solutions. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs and ensure a cohesive flow throughout the essay.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with one paragraph focusing on consequences and another on solutions. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured with topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph and supporting details to develop the points further. Additionally, the lack of a clear introduction and conclusion affects the overall paragraphing.
    • How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic and provides supporting evidence or examples. Consider adding an introduction to provide context and a conclusion to summarize key points.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as ‘firstly’, ‘secondly’, ‘however’, and ‘in conclusion’, to connect ideas within paragraphs. While these devices help to organize the essay to some extent, more varied and sophisticated cohesive devices could be incorporated to enhance coherence further.
    • How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as ‘furthermore’, ‘moreover’, ‘on the other hand’, ‘conversely’, etc. These devices can help to create a more cohesive and structured essay by clearly indicating the relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay for a smoother flow of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with words like "merits," "frightening rate," "proportion," "enact," "immigration," "retirement," and "welfare." These words contribute to the depth and complexity of the essay’s arguments.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating more specific and nuanced vocabulary related to the consequences of increasing life expectancy and the solutions proposed. For example, instead of using general terms like "negative sides," try to use more precise language to describe the problems in more detail.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where more precise word choices could enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the arguments. For example, using "frightening rate" to describe population growth could be replaced with a more specific term like "exponential growth" for greater precision.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the context in which specific vocabulary is used and ensure that the chosen words accurately convey the intended meaning. Consider using a thesaurus to explore alternative words that might provide more precision in expressing ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling accuracy in the essay is generally good, with only minor errors observed. Words like "enact," "immigration," and "retirement" are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall readability of the essay.
    • How to improve: To maintain spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully before submission to catch any potential errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools or seeking feedback from peers can help in identifying and correcting spelling mistakes effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It includes simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, "Firstly, increasing life expectancy would be a factor leading to a frightening rate in population growth" (complex sentence), "Consequently, the houses would witness a dramatic increase in prices; hence the soar in the proportion of the homeless" (compound sentence), and "Another solution is that each individual should save money for retirement" (simple sentence).
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses and varying sentence lengths. This can add sophistication to your writing and improve coherence.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay shows some issues with grammatical accuracy and punctuation. For instance, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("the houses would witness a dramatic increase in prices; hence the soar in the proportion of the homeless") and punctuation errors like missing commas before introductory phrases ("Firstly, increasing life expectancy would be a factor leading to a frightening rate in population growth").
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage. Reviewing grammar rules and practicing writing with a focus on these areas can help enhance accuracy in your essays. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from a teacher or using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely known that the average life expectancy is increasing. This essay will examine the consequences of this trend and propose a viable solution to address it.

On the one hand, the rise in life expectancy brings various benefits for individuals and society. Firstly, a significant increase in population growth would occur due to longer lifespans. Consequently, housing prices would experience a significant increase, leading to a surge in homelessness. Secondly, if the number of residents unable to earn a living increases, governments would need to allocate more funds to allowances, potentially compromising other essential expenditures. To balance allowance with other expenditures, residents would receive reduced welfare from governments.

However, there are practical measures to mitigate these issues. The first solution is for governments to encourage the immigration of young working adults through policy enactment. This would increase tax revenues for governments and lessen the financial burden on them. Another solution is for individuals to save for retirement. In this manner, they would have sufficient funds to support themselves in their old age without relying on their children or governments.

In conclusion, while the increase in average life expectancy may lead to negative consequences such as homelessness and reduced welfare for residents, these challenges can be addressed through policies promoting the immigration of young adults and encouraging individuals to save for retirement.

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