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In the future, the main reasons for going to the shopping mall will be for entertainment, not to shop. Do you agree or disagree?

In the future, the main reasons for going to the shopping mall will be for entertainment, not to shop. Do you agree or disagree?

In modern times, along with the significant development of technology, it is increasingly common to purchase various items on socail flatforms. Therefore, shopping mall which provides entertainment facilities will be an interesting place for leisure activities. I strongly agree with this statement and this essay will clearly illustrate the reasons.
Initially, citizens have a tendency to purchase all different kinds of clothes, devices and other tools on online stores through the Internet. This is because of the convenience of diverse choices and speedy deliveries, saving time and manpower for going outside and collecting. As an obvious illustration, Shopee, a online shopping flatform, has attracted millions of orders from customers every single day, especially big sale occasions. Consequently, individuals prefer to select their preferences at reasonable prices by online shops rather than brick-and-mortar shops.
Additionally, entertainment facilities are paid attention to invest and renovate in shopping malls. In other words, the malls' authorities have plans for even more entertainment facilities and decorations, including cinemas, theaters, restaurants, and bowling alleys. Following the way, the malls will become a large complex ensuring to the comforts from recreation to convenient services. For instance, the young tend to approach such malls to play games, take photos, gather mates, and dine out with their families or their mates. As a result, leisure activities will be prioritized when shops and entertainment are under the roof.
To summarize, mall centers will attract the large number of customers for their entertainment demands without purchasing necessary things, thanks to the popularity of recreation services in the mall and online stores on social media.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "socail flatforms" -> "social platforms"
    Explanation: Replacing "socail flatforms" with "social platforms" corrects the misspelling and uses the more accurate and widely accepted term for online platforms.

  2. "I strongly agree with this statement and this essay will clearly illustrate the reasons." -> "I wholeheartedly support this assertion, and this essay will elucidate the reasons."
    Explanation: Substituting "strongly agree" with "wholeheartedly support" adds a more formal and nuanced expression of agreement. Replacing "clearly illustrate" with "elucidate" enhances the formality of the sentence.

  3. "citizens have a tendency to purchase all different kinds of clothes, devices, and other tools on online stores" -> "individuals tend to acquire various apparel, gadgets, and tools from online stores"
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace the informal term "citizens" with the more neutral "individuals" and use more precise and formal terms like "acquire" instead of "purchase" and "apparel" instead of "clothes."

  4. "This is because of the convenience of diverse choices and speedy deliveries, saving time and manpower for going outside and collecting." -> "This is attributable to the convenience of diverse options and prompt deliveries, resulting in time and resource savings compared to traditional in-person shopping."
    Explanation: The suggested alterations enhance formality by using "attributable to" instead of "because of" and by employing more formal language like "diverse options" instead of "diverse choices" and "prompt deliveries" instead of "speedy deliveries."

  5. "Shopee, a online shopping flatform" -> "Shopee, an online shopping platform"
    Explanation: Correcting the misspelling of "flatform" to "platform" and adding the article "an" before "online shopping platform" adheres to proper grammar and terminology.

  6. "big sale occasions" -> "major promotional events"
    Explanation: Substituting "big sale occasions" with "major promotional events" introduces a more formal and sophisticated term, aligning better with academic style.

  7. "entertainment facilities are paid attention to invest and renovate in shopping malls" -> "there is a focus on investing in and renovating entertainment facilities within shopping malls"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality by using more precise language and proper syntax.

  8. "malls’ authorities have plans for even more entertainment facilities and decorations" -> "mall authorities have plans to introduce additional entertainment facilities and decorations"
    Explanation: Removing the possessive form "malls’" and simplifying the sentence improves formality and clarity.

  9. "Following the way, the malls will become a large complex ensuring to the comforts from recreation to convenient services." -> "Consequently, malls will evolve into expansive complexes, catering to the comfort needs ranging from recreation to convenient services."
    Explanation: The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and uses more formal language, such as "Consequently" and "expansive complexes."

  10. "The young tend to approach such malls to play games, take photos, gather mates, and dine out with their families or their mates." -> "Young individuals often visit these malls to engage in gaming, photography, socializing with peers, and dining with their families or friends."
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace the informal "The young" with "Young individuals" and use more formal language throughout, improving the overall academic tone.

  11. "leisure activities will be prioritized when shops and entertainment are under the roof." -> "Prioritizing leisure activities becomes paramount when shops and entertainment coexist within the same establishment."
    Explanation: The proposed revision introduces a more formal term, "becomes paramount," and refines the expression to align with academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a clear response to the prompt by addressing both sides of the argument. It acknowledges the increasing trend of online shopping due to its convenience while arguing that shopping malls with entertainment facilities will remain attractive for leisure activities. Relevant sections such as the mention of online shopping platforms like Shopee and the focus on entertainment facilities in malls support this analysis.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure that each paragraph explicitly connects to the prompt. Develop a stronger link between the discussion of online shopping and the future role of shopping malls for entertainment. Also, consider exploring potential counterarguments for a more comprehensive response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, strongly agreeing with the statement that shopping malls will be valued for entertainment. This position is evident in the thesis statement and is consistently supported in subsequent paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider refining the thesis to explicitly outline the main reasons supporting the preference for shopping malls as entertainment hubs over online platforms.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently and supports them with relevant examples. The discussion of online shopping’s popularity and the investment in entertainment facilities within malls is well-developed. Specific examples, such as Shopee’s role in online shopping and the planned enhancements in malls, provide effective support.
    • How to improve: To extend ideas, consider incorporating more varied examples and details. For instance, elaborate on the types of entertainment facilities planned for malls and provide additional data or statistics to strengthen the argument regarding online shopping trends.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the prompt’s focus on the future role of shopping malls. However, there is a brief deviation when discussing the advantages of online shopping, which, while relevant, could be more tightly connected to the main argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all supporting points and examples are directly tied to the central argument about the future importance of shopping malls for entertainment. Clearly articulate the relationship between online shopping trends and the continued appeal of malls for leisure activities.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintains a clear position, presents well-supported ideas, and generally stays on topic. To improve, strengthen the connection between paragraphs, elaborate on examples, refine the thesis for greater clarity, and ensure all details directly contribute to the main argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction establishes the author’s stance clearly, followed by two well-organized body paragraphs that present distinct supporting points. However, there are instances where the flow could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing online shopping to the development of entertainment facilities in malls could be more seamless.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through shifts in focus. For example, phrases like "Moreover" or "Furthermore" can aid in transitioning between ideas, creating a more cohesive narrative.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs paragraphs effectively. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, providing a clear structure. However, there is room for improvement in the development of ideas within paragraphs. Some ideas are presented briefly and could benefit from more elaboration to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph presents a complete thought or argument. Elaborate on supporting points, providing specific examples or evidence to reinforce the ideas. This will contribute to a more comprehensive and convincing essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitions like "initially," "additionally," and "to summarize." However, there is a tendency to overuse certain phrases, leading to repetition. Additionally, the essay could benefit from more varied cohesive devices, such as pronouns or synonyms, to avoid monotony.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating pronouns, synonyms, or alternative transition phrases. This will not only reduce repetition but also add sophistication to the essay’s language. For instance, instead of consistently using "Additionally," consider alternatives like "Moreover" or "Furthermore" for greater variety.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a commendable organizational structure, refining the logical flow, developing ideas more fully within paragraphs, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It effectively uses words and phrases related to the topic, such as "recreation services," "brick-and-mortar shops," and "social platforms." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. The repetition of certain terms like "entertainment facilities" and "malls" could be addressed for a more varied expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions for frequently used terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "entertainment facilities," you could use phrases like "leisure amenities" or "recreational offerings." This will add depth to your language and contribute to a more sophisticated lexical repertoire.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "devices and other tools" is broad and could benefit from more specific terms. Additionally, the expression "convenience of diverse choices" might be refined for clarity.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by specifying the types of devices and tools being referred to, providing a clearer picture for the reader. For instance, instead of "devices and other tools," you could specify "electronic gadgets and household appliances." Furthermore, when discussing the "convenience of diverse choices," specify what these choices are, such as a wide array of products or brands. This specificity will enhance the overall precision of your vocabulary.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with no major spelling errors. However, there are some minor spelling mistakes, such as "socail" instead of "social," "flatforms" instead of "platforms," and "shopee" instead of "Shopee." While these do not significantly impede understanding, addressing them will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying specific attention to common words and names. Utilize spell-check tools and, if possible, seek feedback from others. Developing a habit of reviewing and correcting spelling errors will enhance the overall quality of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Predominantly, simple and compound sentences are used throughout, with minimal use of complex structures or varied sentence beginnings. For instance, the essay relies heavily on simple sentences like "Consequently, individuals prefer to select their preferences at reasonable prices by online shops rather than brick-and-mortar shops," which, while grammatically correct, lacks the sophistication expected at this level.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating complex sentences, varying sentence structures, and experimenting with different sentence beginnings. For example, you can introduce subordinate clauses, use conditional sentences, or employ participial phrases to add depth and complexity to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several instances of grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors. In the sentence, "In modern times, along with the significant development of technology, it is increasingly common to purchase various items on socail flatforms," there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("flatforms" should be "platforms") and the incorrect use of "socail" instead of "social."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, review basic grammar rules, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and word choice. Additionally, proofread carefully to catch spelling errors, ensuring a more polished and error-free essay. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to identify and correct specific issues.

Overall, while the essay effectively communicates its main ideas, refining the grammatical range by incorporating more varied sentence structures and addressing grammar and punctuation inaccuracies will contribute to achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, with the notable advancements in technology, the trend of acquiring various items on social platforms has become increasingly prevalent. Consequently, shopping malls that offer entertainment facilities are emerging as engaging spaces for leisure activities. I wholeheartedly support this assertion, and this essay will elucidate the reasons.

Primarily, individuals tend to acquire a diverse range of apparel, gadgets, and tools from online stores accessible through the Internet. This inclination is attributable to the convenience of having numerous choices and the prompt deliveries, resulting in time and resource savings compared to traditional in-person shopping. For instance, Shopee, an online shopping platform, witnesses a surge in orders, especially during major promotional events, as customers prefer the ease of selecting their preferences at reasonable prices without the need to visit physical stores.

Moreover, there is a noticeable focus on investing in and renovating entertainment facilities within shopping malls. The authorities overseeing these malls have strategic plans to introduce additional entertainment facilities and decorations, including cinemas, theaters, restaurants, and bowling alleys. Consequently, malls are evolving into expansive complexes, catering not only to shopping needs but also to the comfort demands ranging from recreation to convenient services.

Young individuals, in particular, often visit these malls to engage in gaming, photography, socializing with peers, and dining with their families or friends. Prioritizing leisure activities becomes paramount when shops and entertainment coexist within the same establishment. This shift is indicative of a growing preference for the holistic experience offered by malls, where entertainment plays a pivotal role alongside traditional shopping activities.

In conclusion, the future trajectory suggests that shopping mall centers will attract a large number of customers primarily for their entertainment offerings, with shopping becoming a secondary consideration. This is a direct consequence of the popularity of recreation services in malls and the convenience of online stores on social media platforms. The evolving landscape of these malls reflects a broader societal shift towards a more leisure-oriented consumer experience.

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