In the modern world, a university education is essential in order to get a rewarding job and earn a high salary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the modern world, a university education is essential in order to get a rewarding job and earn a high salary.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

When i was a child, i had a neighbor and he argued with his parents and refused to go to the university. Because he thought that he doesn’t need to go to the university to be successful, he can succeed by himself. Now, he just stays at home and lives on his parents' money. So based on the story of my neighbor, my opinion to the statement “ a university education is essential in order to get a rewarding job and earn a high salary” is that i agree.
On the one hand, going to university helps you accumulate knowledge and experience.Furthermore, it will help you a lot in your future job, make it easier for you in your future jobs. For example, when you study pedagogy in university, you will know what you should do and what you shouldn’t do when you become a teacher. Moreover, there will be an opportunity for you to go for an internship. So when you become a real teacher, you won’t be surprised because you have learned all from the university.
On the other hand, having a university degree can also make it easier to get a rewarding job and a high salary. When you graduate from university with an excellent degree, you can apply for any companies you want with a good salary. Between a person with a graduate degree and a person without a college degree, who do you think will be chosen by companies? It’s definitely a person with a graduate, right? So when you have a university degree, there will be lots of opportunities for you in the future and you can also get a corresponding salary with your try.
People who go to university are not always successful, people who don't go to university are not always unemployed. Whether or not success depends on a lot of factors. But if you have a university degree, everything in the future will be easier for you.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"i" -> "I"
Explanation: In formal writing, the pronoun "I" should always be capitalized.
"argued with his parents" -> "disagreed with his parents"
Explanation: "Argued with" is slightly informal. "Disagreed with" maintains the meaning while aligning better with academic tone.
"refused to go to the university" -> "refused to attend university"
Explanation: "Go to the university" is less formal than "attend university."
"Because he thought that he doesn’t need to go to the university to be successful, he can succeed by himself." -> "Because he believed he could attain success independently, he deemed attending university unnecessary."
Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence and removes the contraction "doesn’t," making it more formal.
"Now, he just stays at home and lives on his parents’ money." -> "Now, he resides at home and depends on his parents’ financial support."
Explanation: "Just stays at home" is informal. "Resides at home" and "depends on his parents’ financial support" are more formal and precise.
"So based on the story of my neighbor, my opinion to the statement…" -> "Therefore, drawing from my neighbor’s experience, I concur with the assertion…"
Explanation: "So based on" is colloquial. "Therefore, drawing from" is a more formal transition. "Opinion to the statement" can be streamlined to "concur with the assertion."
"a university education" -> "higher education at a university"
Explanation: Adding "higher education at" adds clarity and specificity, reinforcing the academic tone.
"make it easier for you in your future jobs" -> "facilitate your future career prospects"
Explanation: "Make it easier for you in your future jobs" can be more concisely expressed as "facilitate your future career prospects" without sacrificing meaning.
"For example, when you study pedagogy in university…" -> "For instance, when pursuing a degree in pedagogy…"
Explanation: "Study pedagogy in university" can be more formally expressed as "pursuing a degree in pedagogy."
"Moreover, there will be an opportunity for you to go for an internship." -> "Additionally, internships offer valuable experiential learning opportunities."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence enhances clarity and formality.
"So when you become a real teacher" -> "Thus, upon assuming the role of a professional educator"
Explanation: "Become a real teacher" can be replaced with "assuming the role of a professional educator" for a more formal tone.
"a rewarding job" -> "a fulfilling career"
Explanation: "Rewarding job" is slightly informal. "Fulfilling career" maintains the meaning while sounding more formal.
"Between a person with a graduate degree and a person without a college degree…" -> "Given the choice between an individual with a graduate degree and one without a college degree…"
Explanation: The revision enhances formality and clarity by restructuring the sentence.
"who do you think will be chosen by companies?" -> "which individual do you believe companies are more likely to select?"
Explanation: Reformulating the question in a more formal manner improves the overall tone of the sentence.
"there will be lots of opportunities for you in the future" -> "numerous opportunities will arise in the future"
Explanation: "Lots of opportunities" is less formal than "numerous opportunities."
"you can also get a corresponding salary with your try" -> "you can also receive a commensurate salary for your efforts"
Explanation: "Get a corresponding salary with your try" is informal. "Receive a commensurate salary for your efforts" is more formal and precise.
"People who go to university are not always successful, people who don’t go to university are not always unemployed." -> "Attending university does not guarantee success, and refraining from attending does not inevitably result in unemployment."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality.
"Whether or not success depends on a lot of factors." -> "Success depends on a multitude of factors."
Explanation: The revision simplifies the sentence structure and enhances formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt. It presents a clear opinion agreeing with the statement that a university education is essential for obtaining a rewarding job and a high salary. The example of the neighbor illustrates a personal anecdote that effectively supports the author’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint. While the neighbor’s story is compelling, acknowledging counterarguments and providing a brief rebuttal would further strengthen the essay’s argumentative depth.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, firmly agreeing with the statement. The author’s stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing a cohesive narrative that supports the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could reinforce the thesis statement in the conclusion, summarizing the main points and reaffirming the author’s position. Additionally, avoiding repetition of ideas could further streamline the clarity of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas, utilizing examples and reasoning to bolster the argument. The use of a personal anecdote about the neighbor adds depth to the discussion, while the example of studying pedagogy illustrates the benefits of university education.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could incorporate additional examples or evidence to further substantiate the argument. Providing statistics or real-world case studies would add credibility and strengthen the persuasive impact of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the importance of a university education for obtaining a rewarding job and a high salary. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off track, such as the mention of success depending on various factors.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all points directly relate to the central argument. Avoiding tangential discussions or unrelated examples would help to keep the essay tightly focused on the prompt’s topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents a coherent argument in support of the importance of a university education. By addressing the suggested areas for improvement, the essay could further enhance its persuasiveness and clarity, potentially achieving an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas, albeit with some lapses. The introduction sets up the argument by narrating a personal anecdote, followed by clear agreement with the statement. Each body paragraph presents a distinct viewpoint, with the first supporting the benefits of university education and the second emphasizing its role in securing employment and higher income. However, there are instances where the logical progression is disrupted, such as the sudden transition from discussing the benefits of university education to the advantages of having a degree in securing a job.
- How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, ensure a smoother transition between ideas within paragraphs and between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the progression of arguments. Additionally, consider restructuring sentences or paragraphs to maintain a consistent flow of thought throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphing adequately, with clear divisions between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, starting with the personal anecdote in the introduction, followed by separate paragraphs discussing the benefits of university education and the advantages of having a degree in securing employment. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and cohesion to strengthen the overall structure and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Aim for coherence within paragraphs by maintaining a logical progression of ideas. Consider revising paragraph structure to avoid abrupt shifts in focus or argumentation.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which provide some indication of the essay’s structure. However, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, with minimal use of pronouns, conjunctions, or other linking words to establish logical relationships between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to improve the flow and coherence of the essay. Incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "moreover," "however," "in addition") to signal relationships between ideas and enhance the reader’s understanding of the argument’s structure. Additionally, utilize pronouns and other referencing devices to maintain continuity and coherence within and between paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. There are instances where appropriate terms like "accumulate knowledge," "pedagogy," and "internship" are used to convey ideas about education and employment. However, there is repetition of basic vocabulary ("university degree," "rewarding job") without significant variation.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and more nuanced terms where possible. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "university degree," alternatives like "academic qualification" or "higher education credentials" could be used. This would elevate the lexical richness of the essay and demonstrate a deeper grasp of vocabulary diversity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately to convey ideas, such as describing the benefits of university education and its impact on career prospects. However, there are instances of imprecise or basic language ("make it easier," "good salary") that could be refined for clarity and precision.
- How to improve: Aim to use more specific and precise vocabulary to articulate ideas clearly. For example, instead of "make it easier," specify how university education "enhances career prospects" or "facilitates professional advancement." This approach not only avoids vague expressions but also adds depth to your arguments, aligning more closely with academic writing standards.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates basic spelling accuracy with some minor errors (e.g., "doesn’t" should be "doesn’t," "pedagogy" is spelled correctly, but consistency is needed throughout).
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully or using spelling and grammar check tools. Pay attention to common mistakes with contractions (‘s, ‘t), verb conjugations, and specialized vocabulary (e.g., technical terms related to education and employment). Developing a habit of reviewing your writing for spelling errors before submission can significantly enhance the overall presentation of your essay.

This feedback provides a structured analysis of the lexical resource criteria based on the essay provided. Each section highlights strengths and areas for improvement, offering specific advice to elevate the lexical quality of future writing endeavors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the sentence structures further to enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay. The majority of sentences follow a similar pattern, which can make the essay feel somewhat repetitive. For instance, there is a tendency to begin sentences with coordinating conjunctions ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "Moreover"), which, while grammatically correct, could benefit from variation for stylistic purposes.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as subordinate clauses, participial phrases, or inverted sentences. Varying the sentence beginnings and lengths can also contribute to a more engaging and polished writing style. Additionally, experiment with different transitional phrases and connectors to create smoother transitions between ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, with few notable errors. However, there are some instances of grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors throughout the essay that affect clarity and precision. For example, the inconsistent capitalization in "When i was a child" and the lack of commas in compound sentences like "People who go to university are not always successful, people who don’t go to university are not always unemployed" are areas of concern.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it is essential to review and practice the basic rules of grammar and punctuation. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper comma usage in compound sentences. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct any remaining errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to further refine your grammar and punctuation skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of sentence structures, there is room for refinement to achieve a higher band score. By diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the clarity, coherence, and sophistication of the writing can be enhanced, leading to a more compelling and polished essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In my childhood, I had a neighbor who disagreed with his parents and refused to attend university. Because he believed he could attain success independently, he deemed attending university unnecessary. Now, he resides at home and depends on his parents’ financial support. Therefore, drawing from my neighbor’s experience, I concur with the assertion that a university education is essential in order to get a rewarding job and earn a high salary.

On the one hand, higher education at a university facilitates future career prospects by helping individuals accumulate knowledge and experience. Additionally, internships offer valuable experiential learning opportunities. For instance, when pursuing a degree in pedagogy, students learn what to do and what not to do when assuming the role of a professional educator. Thus, upon assuming the role of a professional educator, individuals are better equipped for a fulfilling career.

On the other hand, having a university degree can also make it easier to secure a rewarding job and a high salary. Given the choice between an individual with a graduate degree and one without a college degree, companies are more likely to select the former. Consequently, numerous opportunities will arise in the future, and individuals can also receive a commensurate salary for their efforts.

It’s important to note that attending university does not guarantee success, and refraining from attending does not inevitably result in unemployment. Success depends on a multitude of factors. However, having a university degree can significantly enhance one’s prospects in the job market and make the journey towards success smoother. Therefore, I firmly believe that a university education is indeed essential for securing a rewarding job and earning a high salary.