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In the modern world, schools are no longer necessary because there is so much information available through the Internet that children can study just as well at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the modern world, schools are no longer necessary because there is so much information available through the Internet that children can study just as well at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Technological advancements have undeniably brought changes to how students study. With information on every conceivable subject available online, and the increasing popularity of online education courses, students now have more options as to where they attain knowledge. This has prompted reactions from those who believe that schools are now redundant as children can study just as well at home, as well as from people who suppose that schools still play an important role in the education process amidst such dramatic changes. This essay will delve into both sides of the argument and reach an opinion.
Undeniably, there are valid justifications to be made for the belief that schools are no longer necessary. With the development and ever-greater popularity of the World Wide Web, learners now can access a plethora of courses, forums, and online resources that can aid them in studying and revising knowledge attained at school. For example, Hocmai(this thing be dead af) is a Vietnamese students forum where learners across Vietnam can gather, ask and answer questions and homework about different subjects in school. Hocmai and similar platforms enable students to further solidify their understanding of topics by creating an environment that learners can participate in asking and providing help for like-minded students. Furthermore, learning online means that children learning no longer have to adapt to others’ academic ability, allowing them to study at their own pace. Additionally, they also get to study and choose courses that align with their interests, instead of a fixed body of subjects in a more traditional education setting, making learning much more engaging and interesting, as students can learn what they want without pressure of grades and academic achievements. In turn, this makes learning a more personalized and engaging experience, enhancing efficiency and knowledge retention. However, there are some considerations to take into account. Students are more likely to get sidetracked from studying and ending up on social media or video games, and this is exacerbated by the lack of supervision and monitoring. Another point to note is that information online is not always accurate, and trying to find accurate information may prove difficult for learners who are ill-equipped.
Contrariwise, there are arguments to be made in favor of schools in the face of drastic changes to knowledge acquisition. Compared to the Internet, students in traditional settings have guidance and supervision from educators. They can assist learners in filtering out inaccurate and inappropriate information online by teaching them how to spot such material online and to find credible sources on the Internet, or via curtailing and choosing the sets of textbooks used in classrooms, something that many countries across the world have applied. This both ensures a safe education environment and facilitates the ability of fact checking and reasoning regarding online information. Another noteworthy argument is that schools can aid in the well-rounded development of children, aside from teaching academic knowledge. Teachers can initiate group working exercises by giving out tasks like analyzing a particular detail in a literature work, or preparing a presentation on a historical event. School has also become a socializing ground, with extra-curricular activities, clubs and sports for students to hang out. These combined create a fertile ground for children to develop soft skills such as teamwork, communication, empathy, and so on; to make meaningful friendships with peers they meet and develop social connections; and to be physically healthy. Despite that, there are still factors that are needed to take into consideration. School has a rigid schedule, which can impact learners who prefer a more versatile and flexible studying schedule. Moreover, educators need to accommodate a classroom’s needs and comprehension ability, meaning some weaker students who find it more difficult to grasp new and difficult concepts, are more likely to be left behind.
In conclusion, the Internet has indeed transformed the education industry and facilitated self-learning. However, I strongly believe that it is irrational to blatantly disregard the irreplaceable role of schools in education, demonstrated by its ability to cultivate a well-rounded growth, as well as providing a safe learning environment for students.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Technological advancements have undeniably brought changes to how students study." -> "Technological advancements have undoubtedly brought about changes in how students study."
    Explanation: Replacing "undeniably" with "undoubtedly" adds a more formal tone and certainty to the statement, aligning with academic style.

  2. "This has prompted reactions from those who believe that schools are now redundant as children can study just as well at home, as well as from people who suppose that schools still play an important role in the education process amidst such dramatic changes." -> "This has elicited responses from individuals who argue that schools are now obsolete, as children can study effectively at home, as well as from those who contend that schools continue to play a crucial role in the education process amid such dramatic changes."
    Explanation: The suggested changes use more precise and formal language, avoiding the informal term "suppose" and providing a clearer expression of contrasting viewpoints.

  3. "This essay will delve into both sides of the argument and reach an opinion." -> "This essay will explore both sides of the argument and formulate a conclusion."
    Explanation: The word "delve" is replaced with "explore," and "reach an opinion" is replaced with "formulate a conclusion" for a more formal and academic tone.

  4. "Undeniably, there are valid justifications to be made for the belief that schools are no longer necessary." -> "Certainly, there are valid justifications for the contention that schools are no longer essential."
    Explanation: The word "undeniably" is replaced with "certainly" for a more formal expression, and "belief" is replaced with "contention" to strengthen the assertion.

  5. "With the development and ever-greater popularity of the World Wide Web, learners now can access a plethora of courses, forums, and online resources that can aid them in studying and revising knowledge attained at school." -> "With the continuous development and increasing popularity of the World Wide Web, learners now have access to a plethora of courses, forums, and online resources that can assist them in studying and reviewing knowledge acquired at school."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality and clarity of the sentence, avoiding the informal "attained" and providing a more structured expression.

  6. "For example, Hocmai(this thing be dead af) is a Vietnamese students forum where learners across Vietnam can gather, ask and answer questions and homework about different subjects in school." -> "For example, Hocmai is a Vietnamese student forum where learners across Vietnam can convene, pose questions, and engage in discussions and homework related to various school subjects."
    Explanation: The informal phrase "this thing be dead af" is removed, and the sentence is revised for better clarity and formality.

  7. "Furthermore, learning online means that children learning no longer have to adapt to others’ academic ability, allowing them to study at their own pace." -> "Furthermore, engaging in online learning means that children no longer have to adjust to others’ academic abilities, enabling them to study at their own pace."
    Explanation: The phrase "learning online" is clarified for better readability, and the sentence is rephrased for a more formal tone.

  8. "Additionally, they also get to study and choose courses that align with their interests, instead of a fixed body of subjects in a more traditional education setting, making learning much more engaging and interesting, as students can learn what they want without pressure of grades and academic achievements." -> "Moreover, students have the opportunity to study and select courses aligned with their interests, as opposed to a predetermined set of subjects in a more traditional educational setting. This makes learning more engaging and interesting, allowing students to pursue their preferences without the pressure of grades and academic achievements."
    Explanation: The suggested changes streamline the sentence, eliminate redundancy, and enhance the formality of expression.

  9. "Contrariwise, there are arguments to be made in favor of schools in the face of drastic changes to knowledge acquisition." -> "On the contrary, there are arguments in favor of schools amidst the drastic changes in knowledge acquisition."
    Explanation:

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "This essay will delve into both sides of the argument and reach an opinion."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction is well-structured, providing a clear indication of the essay’s purpose. However, to enhance the introduction, consider specifying the main points or arguments that will be presented in each body paragraph. This will give the reader a roadmap of what to expect in the essay.
    • Improved example: "This essay will explore both perspectives on the necessity of schools in the modern world. It will first discuss the advantages of online learning, followed by a consideration of the continued relevance of traditional schools. Finally, a balanced conclusion will be drawn based on the presented arguments."
  2. Quoted text: "For example, Hocmai(this thing be dead af) is a Vietnamese students forum where learners across Vietnam can gather, ask and answer questions and homework about different subjects in school."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While providing an example to support the idea is commendable, the example used lacks clarity and coherence. It would be more effective to replace it with a more universally recognizable example or to explain Hocmai in more detail.
    • Improved example: "For instance, platforms like Khan Academy offer a wide range of educational materials and interactive exercises, allowing students globally to enhance their understanding of various subjects. Such resources empower learners to engage in self-directed study beyond the confines of a traditional classroom."
  3. Quoted text: "Students are more likely to get sidetracked from studying and ending up on social media or video games, and this is exacerbated by the lack of supervision and monitoring."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This point is valid, but it lacks depth and specific examples. To improve, provide a more detailed explanation or share a personal anecdote to illustrate the potential distractions students may face during online learning.
    • Improved example: "The absence of direct supervision in online learning settings may lead students to easily succumb to distractions such as social media or video games. As a result, the focus on academic tasks can diminish, impacting the overall effectiveness of self-directed study."
  4. Quoted text: "Moreover, educators need to accommodate a classroom’s needs and comprehension ability, meaning some weaker students who find it more difficult to grasp new and difficult concepts, are more likely to be left behind."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While discussing the limitations of traditional schools, it’s essential to elaborate further on how the needs of weaker students can be better addressed in an online learning environment. This will provide a more balanced perspective.
    • Improved example: "Furthermore, in a traditional classroom, the one-size-fits-all approach may inadvertently leave struggling students behind. Online platforms, if designed with adaptive learning features, could potentially offer personalized support, catering to the specific needs and comprehension levels of individual students."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and effectively presents arguments from both perspectives. Enhancing the clarity and depth of supporting examples would further strengthen the Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, maintaining a clear progression throughout. There is a variety of cohesive devices used appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence. The central topic within each paragraph is generally clear, and paragraphing is adequate. The essay effectively presents arguments for both sides of the issue and reaches a well-supported conclusion.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider refining the use of cohesive devices to ensure even greater clarity and precision. Some sentences could be more tightly connected, and the flow between paragraphs could be smoother. Additionally, strive for more consistent paragraphing to further improve the overall structure of the essay. While the essay addresses both perspectives, ensure that each paragraph contributes to a clear and cohesive development of the main ideas. Finally, be cautious about repetitive phrases and watch for typographical errors, such as the mention of "Hocmai" in brackets.

Overall, the essay is well-organized and coherent, but slight improvements in the areas mentioned would contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary throughout. There’s a notable attempt to incorporate less common lexical items and express ideas precisely. The essay effectively presents arguments and counterarguments using varied vocabulary, showcasing an awareness of style and collocation.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource further, focus on refining word choice to minimize occasional errors. Strengthening collocation and ensuring a higher level of accuracy in vocabulary usage could elevate the score to a Band 8.

The essay efficiently employs a range of vocabulary to express nuanced ideas about the impact of technology on education. It balances perspectives, showcasing a good command of vocabulary in discussing the advantages and disadvantages of traditional schooling versus online learning. There’s a clear attempt to use a varied vocabulary, albeit with occasional inaccuracies and minor errors. With more precision and accuracy in word choice and collocation, the essay could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
This essay showcases a variety of complex sentence structures, demonstrating a good level of grammatical control and punctuation. The essay predominantly communicates ideas effectively with well-structured sentences, although there are a few instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that mildly affect comprehension. The essay successfully uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, illustrating a competent range of structures. However, some errors and inconsistencies in grammar and punctuation reduce the overall fluency and precision of the language.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, consider revising and proofreading the essay for minor errors and awkward phrasing. Focus on ensuring consistent verb tense usage, sentence structure coherence, and punctuation accuracy throughout the essay. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence construction to further elevate the precision and fluency of expression. Engaging in more varied sentence structures and refining language use could lift the overall score.

Overall, the essay displays a good command of grammar and punctuation, yet refining these aspects further can help elevate the language fluency and precision, aligning it more closely with higher band descriptors.

Bài sửa mẫu

Technological advancements have undeniably brought changes to how students study. With information on every conceivable subject available online, and the increasing popularity of online education courses, students now have more options as to where they attain knowledge. This has prompted reactions from those who believe that schools are now redundant as children can study just as well at home, as well as from people who suppose that schools still play an important role in the education process amidst such dramatic changes. This essay will delve into both sides of the argument and reach an opinion.

Undeniably, there are valid justifications to be made for the belief that schools are no longer necessary. With the development and ever-greater popularity of the World Wide Web, learners now can access a plethora of courses, forums, and online resources that can aid them in studying and revising knowledge attained at school. For example, Hocmai is a Vietnamese student forum where learners across Vietnam can gather, ask and answer questions and homework about different subjects in school. Hocmai and similar platforms enable students to further solidify their understanding of topics by creating an environment that learners can participate in asking and providing help for like-minded students. Furthermore, learning online means that children no longer have to adapt to others’ academic ability, allowing them to study at their own pace. Additionally, they also get to study and choose courses that align with their interests, instead of a fixed body of subjects in a more traditional education setting, making learning much more engaging and interesting, as students can learn what they want without pressure of grades and academic achievements. In turn, this makes learning a more personalized and engaging experience, enhancing efficiency and knowledge retention.

However, there are some considerations to take into account. Students are more likely to get sidetracked from studying and ending up on social media or video games, and this is exacerbated by the lack of supervision and monitoring. Another point to note is that information online is not always accurate, and trying to find accurate information may prove difficult for learners who are ill-equipped.

Contrariwise, there are arguments to be made in favor of schools in the face of drastic changes to knowledge acquisition. Compared to the Internet, students in traditional settings have guidance and supervision from educators. They can assist learners in filtering out inaccurate and inappropriate information online by teaching them how to spot such material online and to find credible sources on the Internet, or via curtailing and choosing the sets of textbooks used in classrooms, something that many countries across the world have applied. This both ensures a safe education environment and facilitates the ability of fact checking and reasoning regarding online information.

Another noteworthy argument is that schools can aid in the well-rounded development of children, aside from teaching academic knowledge. Teachers can initiate group working exercises by giving out tasks like analyzing a particular detail in a literature work, or preparing a presentation on a historical event. School has also become a socializing ground, with extra-curricular activities, clubs, and sports for students to hang out. These combined create a fertile ground for children to develop soft skills such as teamwork, communication, empathy, and so on; to make meaningful friendships with peers they meet and develop social connections; and to be physically healthy.

Despite that, there are still factors that are needed to take into consideration. School has a rigid schedule, which can impact learners who prefer a more versatile and flexible studying schedule. Moreover, educators need to accommodate a classroom’s needs and comprehension ability, meaning some weaker students who find it more difficult to grasp new and difficult concepts, are more likely to be left behind.

In conclusion, the Internet has indeed transformed the education industry and facilitated self-learning. However, I strongly believe that it is irrational to blatantly disregard the irreplaceable role of schools in education, demonstrated by its ability to cultivate a well-rounded growth, as well as providing a safe learning environment for students.

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