In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. To what extent do you think this is a positive trend?

In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby.
To what extent do you think this is a positive trend?

In this day and age, there is an increase in numbers of people who regard shopping as a hobby rather than considering it as a housework activity. From my perspective, I partly think this is a positive trend, as analyzing in the following paragraphs.

On the one hand, there is a brief catalyst for supporting shopping is a novel approach that makes people consider it as a pleasure, while also brings about favorable outcomes. It can be acknowledged that some people have a preference to buy new things as a way to relax and satisfy their daily demands. For instance, the adults in Korea are greatly addicted to shopping since they are usually updated with the latest trend, which leads them to effort in earning money and enhancing productivity in workplace to set aside money to obtain their preferable items. Consequently, this trend can also boost the nation economy as some investors can recognize a huge potential from the countries where citizens are highly interested in spending money on shopping.

On the other hand, this type of lifestyle can also have some negative implications on specifical individuals. It is understood that to spend money on new things, people need to invest a huge amount of money. Nevertheless, there are people who have limited financial resources; therefore, they are likely to take out a loan to purchase that item. However, this action causes multiples of outcomes to individuals since they have to work more intensive and dedicated to escape from the debits. Consequently, this place a financial burden on individuals who have low income levels or depend on financial aid from the authorities.

In conclusion, it is evident that this trend can help numerous people to unwind and satisfy their joy when shopping. However, this tendency also create financial burdens on some individuals who have limited resources.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "In this day and age" is a somewhat colloquial expression. "Currently" is more concise and maintains an academic tone.

2. "increase in numbers of people" -> "increasing number of people"
   Explanation: "Increase in numbers of people" is grammatically incorrect. "Increasing number of people" is the correct form and is more formal.

3. "regard shopping as a hobby" -> "view shopping as a hobby"
   Explanation: "Regard" is slightly less common in this context than "view," which is more typical in academic writing.

4. "consider it as a housework activity" -> "treat it as a household chore"
   Explanation: "Housework activity" is not a standard term. "Household chore" is the correct term and is more precise.

5. "partly think" -> "partly believe"
   Explanation: "Think" is less formal and can be vague in academic writing. "Believe" is more appropriate for expressing a personal opinion in an academic context.

6. "analyzing in the following paragraphs" -> "as discussed below"
   Explanation: "Analyzing in the following paragraphs" is awkward and unclear. "As discussed below" is more direct and formal.

7. "brief catalyst" -> "brief justification"
   Explanation: "Catalyst" is incorrect in this context. "Justification" is the correct term for explaining the reasons behind a viewpoint.

8. "makes people consider it as a pleasure" -> "leads people to view it as a pleasure"
   Explanation: "Makes people consider it as a pleasure" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Leads people to view it as a pleasure" is grammatically correct and clearer.

9. "brings about favorable outcomes" -> "yields favorable outcomes"
   Explanation: "Brings about" is less formal and slightly awkward. "Yields" is more precise and formal.

10. "have a preference to buy" -> "prefer to buy"
    Explanation: "Have a preference to" is redundant. "Prefer to" is sufficient and more direct.

11. "effort in earning money" -> "effort to earn money"
    Explanation: "Effort in earning money" is grammatically incorrect. "Effort to earn money" is correct.

12. "set aside money to obtain their preferable items" -> "set aside money to purchase their preferred items"
    Explanation: "Obtain" is less specific than "purchase," which is more direct and appropriate in this context.

13. "boost the nation economy" -> "boost the national economy"
    Explanation: "Nation economy" is incorrect. "National economy" is the correct term.

14. "specifical individuals" -> "specific individuals"
    Explanation: "Specifical" is a typographical error. "Specific" is the correct word.

15. "spend money on new things" -> "spend money on new items"
    Explanation: "Things" is too general and vague. "Items" is more specific and appropriate in this context.

16. "multiples of outcomes" -> "multiple outcomes"
    Explanation: "Multiples of outcomes" is incorrect. "Multiple outcomes" is the correct phrase.

17. "work more intensive and dedicated" -> "work more intensively and diligently"
    Explanation: "Work more intensive and dedicated" is grammatically incorrect. "Work more intensively and diligently" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.

18. "this place a financial burden" -> "this places a financial burden"
    Explanation: "This place" is grammatically incorrect. "This places" is the correct form.

19. "create financial burdens" -> "impose financial burdens"
    Explanation: "Create" is less specific in this context. "Impose" is more precise and appropriate for describing the effect of a policy or action on individuals.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of shopping as a hobby. The writer acknowledges the trend and provides insights into its implications. However, the response could be more balanced, as the positive aspects are somewhat more developed than the negative ones. For instance, while the economic benefits of shopping are mentioned, the discussion on financial burdens lacks depth and specific examples.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that both sides of the argument are equally explored. Incorporate more specific examples or statistics regarding the negative impacts of shopping as a hobby, such as increased debt levels or mental health issues related to consumerism. This would provide a more comprehensive view of the trend.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer states a position that they "partly think this is a positive trend," but this stance could be clearer. The phrase "partly think" introduces ambiguity, which may confuse readers about the writer’s true stance. The conclusion reiterates the dual nature of the trend but does not firmly establish a clear position.
  • How to improve: Use more definitive language to express your viewpoint. Instead of "partly think," consider stating "I believe this trend has both positive and negative aspects." Additionally, consistently refer back to your main argument throughout the essay to reinforce your position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the economic benefits of shopping and the potential financial burdens. However, some points lack sufficient development. For example, the mention of adults in Korea being "addicted to shopping" could be expanded with more context or examples to illustrate this addiction’s impact on their lives.
  • How to improve: Aim to elaborate on key points with more detailed explanations or examples. For instance, when discussing the economic boost from shopping, include data or studies that support this claim. This will not only strengthen your argument but also demonstrate critical thinking and analysis.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of shopping as a hobby. However, there are moments where the connection to the prompt could be clearer. For instance, the discussion about the financial burdens could more directly relate back to the idea of shopping as a hobby rather than just a financial issue.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph explicitly ties back to the main question of whether this trend is positive or negative. Use topic sentences that clearly relate to the prompt and summarize the paragraph’s main point. This will help maintain focus and coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, enhancing clarity, balance, and depth will improve the overall quality and coherence of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively states the writer’s perspective, and each body paragraph addresses a different aspect of the topic. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the positive aspects of shopping as a hobby to the negative implications is somewhat abrupt. The phrase "On the one hand" introduces the positive side, but the subsequent transition to the negative side lacks a clear connective phrase, which could help the reader follow the argument more smoothly.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transitional phrases between contrasting points. For example, after discussing the benefits of shopping, a phrase like "Conversely" or "On the other hand" could provide a more explicit cue to the reader that a different viewpoint is being introduced. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea of that paragraph.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct idea. The first body paragraph discusses the positive aspects of shopping as a hobby, while the second addresses the negative implications. However, the paragraphs could be further strengthened by ensuring that each one contains a clear topic sentence and that supporting details are logically ordered. For example, in the first body paragraph, the mention of "adults in Korea" could be better integrated into the argument to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point. Follow this with supporting details that are logically ordered. In the first body paragraph, consider rephrasing the topic sentence to clearly indicate that it will discuss the positive aspects of shopping, and then provide examples that directly support this claim.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "consequently," and "on the one hand." These devices help connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "it is understood that" could be replaced with a more straightforward transition that directly links the idea of financial burden to the previous discussion about shopping habits.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "for instance." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance clarity. For example, when introducing a contrasting idea, using "in contrast" or "alternatively" can provide a clearer connection between opposing viewpoints.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will improve coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. Phrases like "increase in numbers of people" and "considering it as a housework activity" are somewhat repetitive and could be expressed more elegantly. The use of "addicted to shopping" is a strong phrase, but it could be complemented with more varied expressions to enhance the overall lexical range.
  • How to improve: To improve, consider using synonyms or more descriptive phrases. For example, instead of "increase in numbers of people," you could say "growing number of individuals." Additionally, explore more nuanced vocabulary related to shopping and consumer behavior, such as "consumerism," "retail therapy," or "spending habits."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "brief catalyst for supporting shopping" is unclear and does not effectively convey the intended meaning. The term "specifical individuals" is also incorrect; the correct term is "specific individuals." Furthermore, "multiples of outcomes" is awkward and should be revised to "multiple outcomes."
  • How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in word choice. Replace vague terms with more specific alternatives. For example, instead of "catalyst for supporting shopping," consider "reason for the growing popularity of shopping." Additionally, ensure that adjectives and nouns agree in form and meaning, such as using "specific" instead of "specifical."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "debits" instead of "debts" and "this place" instead of "this places." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilize spell-check tools and consider writing practice exercises that focus on commonly misspelled words. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked during silent reading.

By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its lexical resource score significantly. Aim for a more varied vocabulary, precise word choices, and correct spelling to enhance clarity and professionalism in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" indicates an attempt to structure arguments clearly. However, many sentences are either overly complex or awkwardly phrased, such as "there is an increase in numbers of people who regard shopping as a hobby rather than considering it as a housework activity," which could be simplified for clarity. Additionally, the use of phrases like "can also have some negative implications on specifical individuals" suggests a lack of precision in word choice.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using more varied sentence openings and lengths. Incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses can add depth, while ensuring that simpler sentences are used for clarity. For example, instead of "it is understood that to spend money on new things," the writer could say, "It is important to recognize that spending money on new items can lead to financial strain."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "there is an increase in numbers of people" should be "there is an increase in the number of people." The phrase "this type of lifestyle can also have some negative implications on specifical individuals" contains a misuse of "specifical," which should be "specific." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas, can lead to run-on sentences, making the text harder to read.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and word choice. Practicing sentence combining and breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones can also help. For punctuation, the writer should review rules regarding comma usage, particularly in compound sentences and lists. A good exercise would be to read the essay aloud to catch awkward phrasing and punctuation errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some understanding of the topic and attempts to structure arguments, significant improvements in grammatical accuracy and the variety of sentence structures are needed to achieve a higher band score. Regular practice and revision will be key to enhancing these areas.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, there is an increasing number of people who regard shopping as a hobby rather than treating it as a household chore. From my perspective, I partly believe this is a positive trend, as discussed below.

On the one hand, there is a brief justification for supporting the view that shopping is a novel approach that leads people to view it as a pleasure, while also yielding favorable outcomes. It can be acknowledged that some individuals prefer to buy new things as a way to relax and satisfy their daily demands. For instance, adults in Korea are greatly addicted to shopping since they are usually updated with the latest trends, which leads them to work more intensively and diligently to earn money and set aside funds to purchase their preferred items. Consequently, this trend can also boost the national economy, as investors recognize the significant potential in countries where citizens are highly interested in spending money on shopping.

On the other hand, this lifestyle can also have some negative implications for specific individuals. It is understood that to spend money on new items, people often need to invest a considerable amount of money. Nevertheless, there are those with limited financial resources; therefore, they may be inclined to take out loans to purchase these items. However, this action can lead to multiple outcomes for individuals, as they must work harder and more dedicatedly to escape from debt. Consequently, this places a financial burden on individuals who have low income levels or depend on financial aid from authorities.

In conclusion, it is evident that this trend can help numerous people unwind and find joy in shopping. However, this tendency also imposes financial burdens on some individuals who have limited resources.