In today’s competitive world, many families need both parents to go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents’ absence. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In today's competitive world, many families need both parents to go out to work.
While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income,
others feel they lack support because of their parents’ absence. Discuss both these
views and give your own opinion.

In the contemporary world, there is a growing need for both parents to engage in the workforce. This raises questions regarding whether the younger generations from these households can gain extra economic advantages or suffer from inadequate assistance from their non-present parents. Although this trend has some significant benefits, I believe it harms the younger generation.
On the one hand, there are some justifications for many people to believe this trend is a positive development. First and foremost, the increased income can guarantee families improved living standards, allowing children to access superior healthcare and education to develop their physical and cognitive abilities. For example, to nurture a child’s innate musical talent, adults can pay for private tutors or send them to specialized art schools. At the same time, these opportunities would be unattainable to less wealthy families. Moreover, robust financial stability can reduce mental issues and potential disputes over sensitive economic matters, fostering an environment conducive to children's emotional well-being.
However, I still believe this phenomenon has negative impacts on children's growth. First, it is believed that children who have both their parents go to work often receive less concern than other children. As their parents have to work from sunrise to sunset, they may receive an insufficient level of supervision and parental guidance. This can result in neglect of study and a shortage of discipline, eventually leading to subpar academic results and misbehavior. Furthermore, youths may experience feelings of anxiety or exhibit antisocial behaviors due to the absence of parental support and communication, seriously affecting their ability to control their emotion. According to some research, this kind of child is often introverted and easily gets angry, preventing them from getting on well with other people. They can also have some mental problems such as stress, anxiety, or even depression.
In conclusion, I concede that both parents' work has the significant perks of improved child rearing and reduced domestic contention to some extent However I still believe this trend is devoid of parental supervision and meaningful interaction between family members. To navigate these challenges and provide a nurturing environment for the children, their parents should have careful planning and a focus on work-life balance.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In the contemporary world" -> "In the modern world"
   Explanation: "Contemporary" can be replaced with "modern" to simplify the phrase while maintaining an academic tone, as "contemporary" might imply a slightly more nuanced or complex context that is not necessary here.

2. "engaging in the workforce" -> "working"
   Explanation: "Engaging in the workforce" is a bit verbose and formal. "Working" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

3. "non-present parents" -> "absent parents"
   Explanation: "Non-present parents" is awkward and unclear. "Absent parents" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic discourse.

4. "gain extra economic advantages" -> "derive additional economic benefits"
   Explanation: "Gain extra economic advantages" is somewhat informal and vague. "Derive additional economic benefits" is more formal and precise.

5. "harm the younger generation" -> "adversely affect the younger generation"
   Explanation: "Harm" is somewhat informal and direct; "adversely affect" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

6. "justifications for many people to believe" -> "reasons why many people believe"
   Explanation: "Justifications for many people to believe" is awkward and verbose. "Reasons why many people believe" is clearer and more direct.

7. "guarantee families improved living standards" -> "ensure improved living standards for families"
   Explanation: "Guarantee" is slightly informal in this context; "ensure" is more appropriate for formal writing. Also, rephrasing to "ensure improved living standards for families" clarifies the subject.

8. "allowing children to access superior healthcare and education" -> "enabling children to access superior healthcare and educational opportunities"
   Explanation: "Allowing" is somewhat informal; "enabling" is more formal and precise. Also, "educational opportunities" is more specific than "education."

9. "to nurture a child’s innate musical talent" -> "to foster a child’s innate musical talent"
   Explanation: "Nurture" is slightly informal; "foster" is more academically precise.

10. "unattainable to less wealthy families" -> "unavailable to less affluent families"
    Explanation: "Unattainable" is not the correct term here; "unavailable" is more accurate. Also, "less affluent" is a more formal alternative to "less wealthy."

11. "robust financial stability" -> "financial stability"
    Explanation: "Robust" is not necessary here; "financial stability" is sufficient and maintains the formal tone.

12. "reduce mental issues and potential disputes" -> "mitigate mental issues and potential disputes"
    Explanation: "Reduce" is somewhat informal; "mitigate" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style.

13. "fostering an environment conducive to children’s emotional well-being" -> "creating an environment conducive to children’s emotional well-being"
    Explanation: "Fostering" is slightly informal; "creating" is more direct and formal.

14. "I still believe this phenomenon has negative impacts" -> "I still contend that this phenomenon has adverse effects"
    Explanation: "Believe" is somewhat informal; "contend" is more assertive and formal. "Negative impacts" can be replaced with "adverse effects" for a more academic tone.

15. "receive less concern" -> "receive less attention"
    Explanation: "Concern" is vague; "attention" is more specific and appropriate in this context.

16. "subpar academic results" -> "inferior academic performance"
    Explanation: "Subpar" is informal and less precise; "inferior" is more formal and academically suitable.

17. "gets angry" -> "becomes angry"
    Explanation: "Gets" is informal; "becomes" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

18. "gets on well with other people" -> "interacts effectively with others"
    Explanation: "Gets on well" is idiomatic and informal; "interacts effectively with others" is more formal and precise.

19. "have some mental problems" -> "experience mental health issues"
    Explanation: "Have some mental problems" is informal and vague; "experience mental health issues" is more specific and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the implications of both parents working. The first part discusses the benefits, such as improved living standards and access to better education and healthcare, which are well-articulated. The second part presents the counterargument, emphasizing the negative impacts on children’s emotional and academic well-being due to parental absence. However, while both perspectives are discussed, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the nuances within each view, particularly in terms of how these benefits and drawbacks might vary among different families or contexts.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include specific examples or statistics that illustrate the varying impacts of dual-income households on children, perhaps referencing studies or real-world scenarios that show differing outcomes based on socioeconomic status or family dynamics.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the negative impacts of both parents working outweigh the benefits. This stance is consistently reinforced throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding remarks. However, the transition between discussing the benefits and the drawbacks could be smoother to enhance clarity. The phrase "However, I still believe this phenomenon has negative impacts" serves as a transition but could be more explicitly linked to the previous point about benefits.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the benefits discussed to the subsequent drawbacks. For example, stating how the benefits may not compensate for the emotional costs could create a more cohesive argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, particularly regarding the benefits of increased income and the drawbacks of parental absence. The use of examples, such as the ability to afford private tutors, effectively supports the argument. However, some ideas, particularly those related to the negative impacts, could be further elaborated. For instance, the mention of "mental problems such as stress, anxiety, or even depression" could benefit from additional detail or examples to illustrate how these issues manifest in children.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more depth in the discussion of negative impacts. Including specific studies or expert opinions on the psychological effects of parental absence could lend more credibility and weight to the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the prompt’s requirement to discuss both views and provide a personal opinion. There are no significant deviations from the topic, and the arguments presented are relevant to the discussion of the implications of both parents working. However, the conclusion could more directly tie back to the prompt by summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and enhance the conclusion, the writer should briefly recap the main points discussed in the body paragraphs before restating their opinion. This would reinforce the relevance of the arguments to the prompt and provide a more satisfying closure to the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task requirements and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in the areas of elaboration, transitions, and conclusion, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized to discuss both views, with the first paragraph focusing on the benefits of both parents working and the second paragraph addressing the drawbacks. This logical organization helps the reader follow the argument. However, the transition between the two views could be smoother; the shift from the positive aspects to the negative impacts feels somewhat abrupt, which can disrupt the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely," to signal a shift in perspective. Additionally, summarizing the key points of the first paragraph before transitioning to the second could reinforce the contrast between the two views.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, and the body paragraphs are structured to discuss distinct viewpoints. However, the conclusion could be more robust; it briefly reiterates the main points but lacks a strong final statement that encapsulates the overall argument.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the key arguments more explicitly and providing a definitive statement that reinforces the writer’s opinion. For example, a concluding sentence that emphasizes the importance of parental involvement in a child’s life could leave a more lasting impression on the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "for example," and "however," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. Some phrases are repeated, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive and less engaging.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "first" and "however," explore alternatives like "initially," "in addition," "on the contrary," or "nevertheless." This variety will enhance the essay’s flow and keep the reader engaged.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, addressing the suggested areas for improvement can elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with phrases like "growing need," "economic advantages," "superior healthcare," and "emotional well-being." These terms effectively convey the complexities of the topic. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "both parents" is repeated multiple times without synonyms or variations, which could enhance the lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, consider using synonyms or paraphrasing to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "both parents," you could use "both caregivers" or "dual-income households." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to child development and family dynamics could further elevate the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "non-present parents" could be confusing; a more precise term like "absent parents" would be clearer. Similarly, "children who have both their parents go to work" could be simplified to "children with working parents" for clarity.
  • How to improve: Focus on refining word choices to enhance clarity. When discussing complex ideas, ensure that the vocabulary used accurately reflects the intended meaning. Reading academic articles or essays on similar topics can provide insight into precise language usage.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, spelling in the essay is accurate, with no significant errors noted. Words like "supervision," "anxiety," and "development" are spelled correctly, contributing to the essay’s professionalism. However, there is a minor issue with the phrase "the significant perks of improved child rearing," where "child rearing" could be hyphenated as "child-rearing" for grammatical accuracy.
  • How to improve: To maintain high spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay for minor errors, including hyphenation and compound words. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch any overlooked mistakes.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary suitable for a Band 7 score, there are opportunities for improvement in lexical variety, precision, and minor spelling details. By expanding vocabulary usage, ensuring precise language, and maintaining attention to spelling, the essay could achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, the use of phrases like "Although this trend has some significant benefits" and "As their parents have to work from sunrise to sunset" showcases the writer’s ability to construct varied sentences. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way arguments are introduced and developed. For example, both body paragraphs begin with "On the one hand" and "However," which can create a predictable pattern.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could experiment with different ways to introduce arguments. Instead of relying on transitional phrases, consider starting with a question or a contrasting statement. Additionally, incorporating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the essay. For example, combining ideas within a single sentence can show a more sophisticated grasp of grammatical structures.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "the younger generations from these households can gain extra economic advantages or suffer from inadequate assistance from their non-present parents" is grammatically correct, but the term "non-present" could be more effectively expressed as "absent." There are also punctuation issues, such as in the sentence "In conclusion, I concede that both parents’ work has the significant perks of improved child rearing and reduced domestic contention to some extent However I still believe this trend is devoid of parental supervision and meaningful interaction between family members." Here, a comma is needed before "However" to separate the two independent clauses.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to word choice and punctuation. Reviewing the use of commas, especially in complex sentences, can help clarify meaning. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and the use of articles, can enhance overall accuracy. Engaging in targeted grammar exercises or seeking feedback from peers can also be beneficial for refining these skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there are opportunities for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and ensuring grammatical precision. By focusing on these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the modern world, there is a growing necessity for both parents to engage in the workforce. This raises questions regarding whether the younger generations from these households can derive additional economic benefits or suffer from inadequate support due to their parents’ absence. Although this trend has some significant advantages, I believe it adversely affects the younger generation.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why many people believe this trend is a positive development. First and foremost, the increased income can ensure improved living standards for families, enabling children to access superior healthcare and educational opportunities that foster their physical and cognitive abilities. For example, to nurture a child’s innate musical talent, parents can afford private tutors or enroll them in specialized art schools. At the same time, these opportunities may be unavailable to less affluent families. Moreover, robust financial stability can mitigate mental issues and potential disputes over sensitive economic matters, creating an environment conducive to children’s emotional well-being.

However, I still contend that this phenomenon has adverse effects on children’s growth. First, it is believed that children who have both parents working often receive less attention than other children. As their parents work from sunrise to sunset, they may lack adequate supervision and parental guidance. This can result in neglect of their studies and a shortage of discipline, ultimately leading to inferior academic performance and misbehavior. Furthermore, youths may experience feelings of anxiety or exhibit antisocial behaviors due to the absence of parental support and communication, seriously affecting their ability to interact effectively with others. According to some research, this kind of child is often introverted and becomes angry easily, preventing them from getting along well with their peers. They can also experience mental health issues such as stress, anxiety, or even depression.

In conclusion, I concede that both parents working has significant perks, such as improved child-rearing and reduced domestic contention to some extent. However, I still believe this trend results in a lack of parental supervision and meaningful interaction between family members. To navigate these challenges and provide a nurturing environment for their children, parents should engage in careful planning and focus on achieving a work-life balance.