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In today’s rapidly changing world, the discussion surrounding traditional gender roles is more prominent than ever. Despite the push for equality between women and men has gradually increased, traditional gender roles have played a significant role in the shaping of society.

In today’s rapidly changing world, the discussion surrounding traditional gender roles is more prominent than ever. Despite the push for equality between women and men has gradually increased, traditional gender roles have played a significant role in the shaping of society.

In today’s rapidly changing world, the discussion surrounding traditional gender roles is more prominent than ever. Despite the push for equality between women and men has gradually increased, traditional gender roles have played a significant role in the shaping of society. Therefore, I wholeheartedly support that these roles are immediate and understood as both moral and pragmatic. In this essay, I will present that’s why I believe that traditional gender roles have been still crucial up to now.

To commence with, traditional gender roles provide correctly defined activities for two genders. Women usually appreciate raising children, and managing the household; man always known to be breadwinners in all typical families who carry out economic functions, and protect families from negative risks outside. When duties are clearly defined to two different genders, work can be perfectly done. This leads to a decline in unsure things about the roles of gender and provides a sense of safety for individuals and families. For example, in a particular household, the father often takes the position of protector and decision-maker, and the mother does the opposite, making heat for the roof. This clear division of responsibilities helps both parties understand their roles and work together effectively.

Furthermore, maintaining traditional gender roles also brings stability to children. When they grow up in a clearly roles-divided environment, they can evolve skills and values that they can see in their parents. For example, children can learn to show their expectations and appreciation for both roles. Moreover, they must understand that each role is important in the household and society.

In addition, perhaps dividing traditional gender roles illustrates that they tend to choose different occupations of each gender. Therefore, it's crucial to highlight that we shouldn't uphold conventional gender roles. We must work towards gradually removing old-fashioned mindsets that constrain genders, giving everyone the liberty to pursue activities that align with their interests and skills. Although these activities can be advantageous, they shouldn’t act as obstacles or limitations tied to someone's gender.

In conclusion, I think traditional gender roles continue to matter in today's world. They create a sense of stability and clarity for families while helping to maintain cultural traditions. However, it's essential to apply these roles with flexibility so that everyone can flourish in their own unique manner.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "the push for equality between women and men has gradually increased" -> "the push for gender equality has gradually increased"
    Explanation: Removing "between women and men" simplifies the phrase while maintaining the intended meaning, making it more concise and formal.

  2. "I wholeheartedly support that these roles are immediate and understood as both moral and pragmatic" -> "I strongly support the recognition of these roles as both moral and pragmatic"
    Explanation: "Wholeheartedly" is too emotional for academic writing. "Strongly" is more appropriate and maintains the formal tone. Also, "immediate" is incorrectly used here; "recognition" is the correct term.

  3. "present that’s why I believe" -> "therefore, I believe"
    Explanation: "That’s why" is informal and conversational. "Therefore" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

  4. "have been still crucial up to now" -> "remain crucial to this day"
    Explanation: "Have been still crucial" is awkward and redundant. "Remain crucial to this day" is more natural and formal.

  5. "provide correctly defined activities" -> "define specific roles"
    Explanation: "Provide correctly defined activities" is awkward and unclear. "Define specific roles" is more direct and precise.

  6. "man always known to be breadwinners" -> "men are traditionally expected to be breadwinners"
    Explanation: "Man" is singular and informal; "men" is plural and more appropriate. "Always known" is vague; "traditionally expected" specifies the context.

  7. "protect families from negative risks outside" -> "protect families from external threats"
    Explanation: "Negative risks outside" is vague and informal. "External threats" is more specific and formal.

  8. "making heat for the roof" -> "providing for the household"
    Explanation: "Making heat for the roof" is colloquial and unclear. "Providing for the household" is clear and formal.

  9. "clearly roles-divided environment" -> "clearly defined roles"
    Explanation: "Roles-divided environment" is awkward and unclear. "Clearly defined roles" is straightforward and appropriate.

  10. "they can evolve skills and values that they can see in their parents" -> "they can develop skills and values modeled by their parents"
    Explanation: "Evolve" is not the correct term here; "develop" is more accurate. "Modelled by" is more precise than "that they can see in."

  11. "perhaps dividing traditional gender roles illustrates that they tend to choose different occupations of each gender" -> "the division of traditional gender roles may lead individuals to choose occupations traditionally associated with their gender"
    Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and unclear. The revised version clarifies the relationship between role division and occupational choices.

  12. "it’s crucial to highlight that we shouldn’t uphold conventional gender roles" -> "it is essential to recognize that we should not perpetuate traditional gender roles"
    Explanation: "It’s" is a contraction and too informal for academic writing. "It is essential" is more formal. "Perpetuate" is more precise than "uphold" in this context.

  13. "giving everyone the liberty to pursue activities that align with their interests and skills" -> "granting individuals the freedom to pursue activities aligned with their interests and skills"
    Explanation: "Giving" is informal; "granting" is more formal. "Activities aligned with" is a more precise phrase than "activities that align with."

These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the significance of traditional gender roles in society. It acknowledges the ongoing discussion about gender equality while presenting a clear argument in favor of maintaining these roles. However, it could be argued that the essay does not fully engage with the implications of the push for equality, which is a crucial aspect of the prompt. The introduction sets up a dichotomy but fails to explore the complexities of both sides adequately.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should explicitly address the tension between traditional roles and the push for equality. This could involve discussing how traditional roles can coexist with modern views on gender equality or providing counterarguments to strengthen the overall position.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position in favor of traditional gender roles, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. However, there are moments where the argument becomes less coherent, especially in the third paragraph, where the author seems to shift towards advocating for flexibility in gender roles without a clear transition. This inconsistency may confuse readers about the author’s stance.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the author should use transitional phrases to connect ideas and clarify how they relate to the central argument. Additionally, reinforcing the main thesis in each paragraph would help keep the focus on the primary position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting traditional gender roles, such as the division of responsibilities and stability for children. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat superficial. For instance, the examples provided lack depth and do not fully illustrate the points being made. The argument could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to substantiate claims.
    • How to improve: The author should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed examples or statistics that reinforce the argument. Including real-world scenarios or studies that support the benefits of traditional roles would add credibility and depth to the discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays on topic, focusing on traditional gender roles and their implications. However, the introduction of the idea that traditional roles should be applied with flexibility in the conclusion introduces a slight deviation from the main argument. This could lead readers to question the author’s commitment to the initial position.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made in the essay directly support the thesis. If discussing flexibility, it should be framed in a way that aligns with the overall argument rather than appearing as a separate or contradictory idea. Clear connections between all points and the central thesis will help maintain relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of traditional gender roles, structured around three main points: the definition of roles, the stability they provide to children, and the implications for occupational choices. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, which contributes to a logical progression of ideas. However, the transition between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the roles within the household to the impact on children feels abrupt and could benefit from a transitional phrase that links these ideas more clearly.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning or end of paragraphs to guide the reader through the argument. For example, phrases like "Building on this idea," or "In addition to providing clarity for adults," can help create a more cohesive narrative.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a clear focus, which is essential for coherence. However, some paragraphs could be better developed. For example, the second paragraph introduces the idea of stability for children but does not fully explore how this stability manifests or its long-term implications.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph not only introduces a new idea but also develops it thoroughly. This can be achieved by providing more examples or explanations. For instance, in the second paragraph, you could elaborate on how stability affects children’s emotional and social development, thereby enriching the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "in addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay occasionally relies on repetitive phrases. For instance, the phrase "traditional gender roles" appears frequently, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or related phrases to avoid repetition. Additionally, using a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as "consequently," "furthermore," or "on the other hand," can enhance the flow of ideas. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts will also help in achieving a more natural and varied writing style.

By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion, ultimately leading to a more persuasive and engaging argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "traditional gender roles," "breadwinners," and "stability." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "traditional gender roles" and "roles of gender," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. The use of phrases like "immediate and understood" is vague and lacks specificity, which does not contribute to a broader lexical range.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "traditional gender roles," you could use "conventional gender expectations" or "historical gender norms." Additionally, exploring more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enhance the clarity and depth of your arguments.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "making heat for the roof" is unclear and does not accurately convey the intended meaning. The term "immediate" in the context of roles is also ambiguous and does not fit well with the overall argument. Such imprecisions can lead to confusion for the reader.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, ensure that vocabulary choices clearly reflect the intended meaning. For example, instead of "making heat for the roof," you might say "managing the household" or "creating a warm environment." Additionally, reviewing vocabulary in context can help ensure that words are used correctly and effectively.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with few errors. However, there are minor issues, such as "man always known" which should be "men are always known." Such errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a moment to read through it carefully, focusing specifically on spelling and grammatical structures. Utilizing spell-check tools or writing software can also help identify errors before submission.

Overall, while the essay shows a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "To commence with" and "In addition" effectively transitions between ideas. However, some sentences are overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "man always known to be breadwinners in all typical families who carry out economic functions." This sentence lacks clarity and could benefit from rephrasing for better flow and grammatical accuracy.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that combine multiple clauses effectively. For example, instead of saying, "Women usually appreciate raising children, and managing the household," you could say, "While women typically appreciate raising children and managing the household, men are often viewed as the primary breadwinners." This not only enhances variety but also improves clarity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are noticeable errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, the phrase "Despite the push for equality between women and men has gradually increased" is grammatically incorrect; it should be restructured to "Despite the gradual increase in the push for equality between women and men." Additionally, punctuation issues arise, such as the misuse of semicolons and commas, which can lead to run-on sentences or fragments.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining grammatical accuracy by revisiting sentence structures and ensuring that clauses are correctly linked. For instance, pay attention to the correct use of conjunctions and prepositions. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, particularly the use of commas and semicolons, will enhance the overall readability of the essay. Consider breaking longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones to avoid confusion.

Overall, while the essay achieves a Band 7 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By focusing on these areas, the essay can move towards a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s rapidly changing world, the discussion surrounding traditional gender roles is more prominent than ever. Despite the push for gender equality having gradually increased, traditional gender roles have played a significant role in shaping society. Therefore, I strongly support the recognition of these roles as both moral and pragmatic. In this essay, I will explain why I believe that traditional gender roles remain crucial to this day.

To commence with, traditional gender roles provide clearly defined activities for both genders. Women often appreciate raising children and managing the household, while men are traditionally expected to be breadwinners in typical families, carrying out economic functions and protecting families from external threats. When duties are clearly defined between the two genders, tasks can be performed effectively. This leads to a reduction in uncertainty regarding gender roles and offers a sense of security for individuals and families. For example, in a particular household, the father often assumes the role of protector and decision-maker, while the mother takes on the nurturing responsibilities. This clear division of responsibilities helps both parties understand their roles and work together harmoniously.

Furthermore, maintaining traditional gender roles also brings stability to children. When they grow up in an environment with clearly defined roles, they can develop skills and values modeled by their parents. For instance, children learn to appreciate and respect both roles, understanding that each is vital within the household and society at large.

In addition, the division of traditional gender roles may lead individuals to choose occupations traditionally associated with their gender. Therefore, it is essential to recognize that we should not perpetuate traditional gender roles. We must strive to gradually eliminate outdated mindsets that constrain individuals, granting them the freedom to pursue activities aligned with their interests and skills. While these activities can be beneficial, they should not serve as barriers or limitations based on one’s gender.

In conclusion, I believe traditional gender roles continue to matter in today’s world. They create a sense of stability and clarity for families while helping to maintain cultural traditions. However, it is essential to apply these roles with flexibility so that everyone can thrive in their own unique manner.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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