In today’s world of advanced science and technology, we still greatly value our artists such as musicians, painters and writers. What can art tell us about life that science and technology cannot?

Nowadays, living in the advancement of science and technology, people still highly appreciate musicians, painters, and writers. Because arts can teach us different aspects of life through their point of view, which cannot learn from science and technology.

The first benefit is that arts offer people spiritual values, which cannot get from science and high-tech. Doing arts can offer people the opportunity to immerse themselves in their souls. This can heal and relieve themselves, and from that arts can inspire and motivate people to become better. For example, going to an art exhibition, that had a theme of "love yourself", could offer people inspiration and motivation in their life through those cheerful pictures and quotes. Therefore, it can bring spiritual values in order to positively influence people's mindsets.

Another impact of the art benefit is that it can provide us the opportunity to see things from different perspectives. In this point of view, artists see everything which is far different from scientists. As a result, arts can give people a chance to approach problems with another different result. For example, scientists normally describe a dog as an animal with fur and four legs, however, artists can think they are a partner and a source of inspiration. Therefore, this perspective can help people gain deeper insights into the world we live in and think from different aspects when solving problems.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that arts are important for the world because of its spiritual values and perspectives, which are absent in the world of technology and science.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "In contemporary times"
Explanation: "In contemporary times" is a more formal and precise alternative to "Nowadays," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in an academic context.
"people still highly appreciate" -> "individuals continue to highly esteem"
Explanation: "Individuals continue to highly esteem" uses more formal vocabulary and avoids the casual tone of "people still highly appreciate."
"Because arts can teach us different aspects of life" -> "Because the arts can impart various aspects of life"
Explanation: "Impart" is a more formal verb than "teach," and "various" is more precise than "different," enhancing the academic tone.
"which cannot learn from science and technology" -> "which cannot be learned from science and technology"
Explanation: The phrase "cannot be learned" is grammatically correct and more formal than "cannot learn," which is awkwardly phrased.
"Doing arts can offer people the opportunity" -> "Engaging in the arts offers individuals the opportunity"
Explanation: "Engaging in the arts" is a more precise and formal way to describe the act of doing arts, and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in formal writing.
"immerse themselves in their souls" -> "immerse themselves in their inner selves"
Explanation: "Inner selves" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "souls," which can be seen as overly poetic or colloquial.
"heal and relieve themselves" -> "heal and alleviate their emotional distress"
Explanation: "Alleviate their emotional distress" is more specific and formal than "relieve themselves," which is vague and informal.
"that had a theme of ‘love yourself’" -> "that explored the theme of self-love"
Explanation: "Explored the theme of self-love" is more formal and precise than "had a theme of ‘love yourself’," which is informal and colloquial.
"bring spiritual values in order to positively influence people’s mindsets" -> "confer spiritual values that positively influence individuals’ mindsets"
Explanation: "Confer" is a more formal verb than "bring," and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in formal writing.
"Another impact of the art benefit" -> "Another benefit of the arts"
Explanation: "Another benefit of the arts" is grammatically correct and more formal than "Another impact of the art benefit," which is awkward and incorrect.
"In this point of view" -> "From this perspective"
Explanation: "From this perspective" is a more formal and commonly used phrase in academic writing than "In this point of view."
"see everything which is far different from scientists" -> "perceive the world in ways distinct from those of scientists"
Explanation: "Perceive the world in ways distinct from those of scientists" is more formal and precise than "see everything which is far different from scientists."
"a chance to approach problems with another different result" -> "an opportunity to address problems with alternative solutions"
Explanation: "An opportunity to address problems with alternative solutions" is more formal and clearer than "a chance to approach problems with another different result."
"scientists normally describe a dog as an animal with fur and four legs" -> "scientists typically classify a dog as a quadruped with fur"
Explanation: "Typically classify" and "quadruped with fur" are more precise and formal terms than "normally describe an animal with fur and four legs."
"However, artists can think they are a partner and a source of inspiration" -> "However, artists may view them as partners and sources of inspiration"
Explanation: "May view them as partners and sources of inspiration" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "can think they are."
"think from different aspects" -> "consider from diverse perspectives"
Explanation: "Consider from diverse perspectives" is more formal and academically appropriate than "think from different aspects."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing what art can tell us about life that science and technology cannot. It identifies two main benefits of art: providing spiritual values and offering different perspectives. However, the response could be more comprehensive. For instance, while the essay mentions the spiritual values and perspectives provided by art, it does not explicitly contrast these with what science and technology offer, which is a key aspect of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly compare and contrast the insights gained from art with those from science and technology. Including specific examples of how scientific approaches may fall short in providing emotional or subjective understanding would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that art is valuable due to its spiritual and perspective-giving qualities. However, the position could be articulated more strongly throughout the essay. For example, the phrase "I firmly believe" in the conclusion is a good indicator of the writer’s stance, but the argument could benefit from more assertive language and reiteration of this position in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should consistently link back to their main argument in each paragraph. Using phrases that reinforce their viewpoint, such as "This illustrates that…" or "Thus, it is evident that…", would help to keep the focus on the importance of art throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the benefits of art, such as spiritual healing and alternative perspectives. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, the examples provided (art exhibitions and the perspective on dogs) are relevant but could be expanded with more detailed explanations or additional examples that illustrate the points more vividly.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more depth. This could involve providing additional examples, discussing the implications of these benefits in real-life scenarios, or incorporating quotes or references from artists or scholars that reinforce the arguments made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of art in providing insights about life. However, there are moments where the connection to the prompt could be clearer. For example, the discussion about perspectives could be more explicitly tied back to how these perspectives offer insights that science and technology do not.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central question of what art can tell us about life. A good strategy would be to restate the prompt or key terms in each paragraph to remind the reader of the main focus and ensure that all content is relevant to the question posed.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in depth, clarity, and explicit connections to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific point related to the prompt, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the spiritual values offered by art, while the second focuses on the different perspectives that art provides. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, as some connections between points are somewhat abrupt. For example, the shift from discussing spiritual values to perspectives lacks a linking sentence that could better guide the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning or end of paragraphs to connect ideas more fluidly. For example, after discussing the spiritual benefits of art, a sentence like "In addition to these spiritual insights, art also allows us to view the world through varied perspectives" could provide a clearer transition to the next point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, and the writer attempts to elaborate on these ideas with examples. However, the paragraphs could be improved by ensuring that each one begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main point. For instance, the first paragraph could start with a more definitive statement about the spiritual benefits of art before delving into examples.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by starting each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph concludes with a sentence that summarizes the point made, reinforcing the connection to the overall argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "therefore" and "for example," which help in linking ideas and providing clarity. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from a more varied use of linking words and phrases. For instance, the phrase "in this point of view" is somewhat awkward and could be replaced with "from this perspective" for better clarity and flow.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," "consequently," and "on the other hand." This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also enhance the reader’s understanding of the relationships between different ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and create a more cohesive narrative.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on smoother transitions, stronger paragraph structures, and a broader range of cohesive devices will elevate the writing to a higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "spiritual values," "immersive," and "perspectives." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases such as "arts can teach us" and "arts offer people." This lack of variety can detract from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "arts," alternatives like "creative expressions," "artistic endeavors," or "cultural works" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the themes discussed, such as "aesthetic," "cognition," or "emotional resonance," would elevate the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "which cannot learn from science and technology" should be "which cannot be learned from science and technology." The use of "doing arts" is also awkward; a more precise phrase would be "engaging in the arts" or "practicing art."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical structures and ensure that phrases are correctly formed. Reviewing common collocations and expressions related to art and science can also help. For example, instead of "the opportunity to immerse themselves in their souls," a more precise expression could be "the opportunity for self-reflection."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no major errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "arts" being used in contexts where "art" might be more appropriate (e.g., "the first benefit is that arts offer" could be "the first benefit is that art offers").
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to context and singular/plural forms. Utilizing spelling and grammar check tools can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises focused on frequently used academic vocabulary can help reinforce correct usage.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range, ensuring precise usage of terms, and maintaining spelling accuracy through careful proofreading and practice.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For instance, the use of "Because arts can teach us different aspects of life through their point of view, which cannot learn from science and technology" showcases an attempt at a complex structure. However, the sentence is flawed due to grammatical inaccuracies, such as "which cannot learn" instead of "which cannot be learned." The essay also effectively employs phrases like "the first benefit is that" and "another impact of the art benefit is that," which help in organizing ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that correctly use subordinate clauses. Additionally, varying the introductory phrases and connectors (e.g., using "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "In addition") can help in creating a more sophisticated flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "arts can teach us different aspects of life through their point of view, which cannot learn from science and technology" contains a grammatical mistake in the phrase "which cannot learn." Additionally, the sentence "Doing arts can offer people the opportunity to immerse themselves in their souls" could be more accurately phrased as "Engaging in the arts can offer people the opportunity to immerse themselves in their own souls." Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "which" in complex sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on the correct use of verb forms and ensure that subjects and verbs agree. Practicing sentence restructuring and seeking feedback on complex sentences can also be beneficial. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help in enhancing overall clarity and coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, attention to grammatical accuracy and the diversification of sentence structures will be crucial for achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, despite the advancements in science and technology, individuals continue to highly esteem musicians, painters, and writers. This is because the arts can impart various aspects of life through their unique perspectives, which cannot be learned from science and technology.

The first benefit of the arts is that they confer spiritual values that positively influence individuals’ mindsets. Engaging in the arts offers individuals the opportunity to immerse themselves in their inner selves. This process can heal and alleviate their emotional distress, inspiring and motivating them to become better versions of themselves. For example, attending an art exhibition that explored the theme of self-love could provide inspiration and motivation through cheerful images and uplifting quotes. Therefore, the arts can bring spiritual values that significantly enhance people’s outlook on life.

Another benefit of the arts is that they provide us with the opportunity to perceive the world in ways distinct from those of scientists. From this perspective, artists view everything in a manner that is markedly different from the scientific approach. As a result, the arts can offer individuals an opportunity to address problems with alternative solutions. For instance, while scientists typically classify a dog as a quadruped with fur, artists may see them as partners and sources of inspiration. This perspective can help people gain deeper insights into the world we inhabit and encourage them to consider diverse perspectives when solving problems.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that the arts are essential in our world due to their spiritual values and unique perspectives, which are often absent in the realms of technology and science.