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In todays world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development.

In todays world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen?

Do you think this is a positive or negative development.

In this day and age, society places pressure on individuals to have a good looking. Therefore, many spend a large amount of money on cosmetic purposes to make themselves look young. However, I am convinced that this is a detrimental trend.

To begin with, there are many possible causes resulting in adults wanting to look younger. Firstly, the main reason is that advertisements from cosmetic companies, using young models as presenters, mislead people's thoughts about the fact that beauty means youth. For example, individuals tend to buy skincare products after young celebrities hoping that their skin will be healthy like those influencers despite the fact that those influencers are so much younger than them. Secondly, another reason is that people love to be admired by others for their beauty. It is a fact that when getting older individuals tend to feel insecure with their appearance, so many decide to buy costly cosmetic products or even undergo plastic surgery to look younger.

Personally, I believe that the increasing demand of adults wanting to look young is a negative movement, as this can be harmful to their health, both physically and mentally. For instance, there was always news about people passing away from undergoing unnecessary plastic surgery. Moreover, this has a negative effect on anyone who experiences their ages naturally, as they might lose their self-confidence when comparing themselves with others.

In conclusion, while the trend of people wanting to have a youthful appearance is potentially caused by the influence of advertisements and the individuals’ need to be praised, I am of the opinion that this is undesirable progress, especially in terms of damaging people’s physical and mental health.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In this day and age, society places pressure on individuals to have a good looking." -> "In contemporary society, there is a societal pressure on individuals to maintain an appealing appearance."
    Explanation: The phrase "In this day and age" is somewhat informal; replacing it with "In contemporary society" enhances the formality of the sentence. Additionally, "good looking" is more appropriately replaced with "maintain an appealing appearance."

  2. "many spend a large amount of money on cosmetic purposes to make themselves look young." -> "Many invest significant financial resources in cosmetic procedures to appear more youthful."
    Explanation: "Cosmetic purposes" is a bit informal; replacing it with "cosmetic procedures" maintains formality. The phrase "make themselves look young" is substituted with "appear more youthful" for a more precise and formal expression.

  3. "However, I am convinced that this is a detrimental trend." -> "However, I firmly believe that this constitutes a deleterious trend."
    Explanation: The phrase "I am convinced" is fairly informal; "I firmly believe" adds a more formal tone. "Detrimental" is replaced with "deleterious" to introduce a more advanced vocabulary without sacrificing clarity.

  4. "there are many possible causes resulting in adults wanting to look younger." -> "Various factors contribute to the desire among adults to maintain a youthful appearance."
    Explanation: The phrase "there are many possible causes" is a bit simplistic; "Various factors contribute" provides a more formal and nuanced expression.

  5. "Firstly, the main reason is that advertisements from cosmetic companies, using young models as presenters, mislead people’s thoughts about the fact that beauty means youth." -> "Primarily, this phenomenon stems from advertisements by cosmetic companies that utilize young models, misleading individuals into associating beauty solely with youth."
    Explanation: "Firstly" is replaced with "Primarily" for a more formal transition. The sentence is restructured to convey the same information more precisely and formally.

  6. "For example, individuals tend to buy skincare products after young celebrities hoping that their skin will be healthy like those influencers despite the fact that those influencers are so much younger than them." -> "For instance, individuals often purchase skincare products endorsed by young celebrities, hoping to attain healthy skin akin to these influencers, despite the significant age difference."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined for clarity and formality. "After young celebrities" is replaced with "endorsed by young celebrities," and "so much younger than them" is substituted with "despite the significant age difference" for a more sophisticated expression.

  7. "Moreover, this has a negative effect on anyone who experiences their ages naturally, as they might lose their self-confidence when comparing themselves with others." -> "Furthermore, this trend adversely affects individuals who embrace the natural aging process, potentially leading to a decline in self-confidence through social comparisons."
    Explanation: "Moreover" is replaced with "Furthermore" for variety. The phrase "experiences their ages naturally" is refined to "embrace the natural aging process," and "as they might lose their self-confidence when comparing themselves with others" is rephrased for greater precision and formality.

  8. "while the trend of people wanting to have a youthful appearance is potentially caused by the influence of advertisements and the individuals’ need to be praised," -> "While the inclination of individuals to pursue a youthful appearance may be attributed to the impact of advertisements and the desire for societal approval,"
    Explanation: The phrase is restructured for clarity and formality. "potentially caused" is replaced with "may be attributed," providing a more precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "In this day and age, society places pressure on individuals to have a good looking. Therefore, many spend a large amount of money on cosmetic purposes to make themselves look young. However, I am convinced that this is a detrimental trend."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s position on the topic. While it mentions the societal pressure to look good, the writer’s stance could be more explicitly stated. A clearer thesis statement outlining whether the trend is positive or negative would strengthen the introduction.
    • Improved example: "In today’s society, individuals face immense pressure to conform to certain beauty standards, leading many to invest heavily in cosmetic procedures to maintain a youthful appearance. Despite these societal expectations, I firmly believe that this trend has more drawbacks than benefits."
  2. Quoted text: "Firstly, the main reason is that advertisements from cosmetic companies, using young models as presenters, mislead people’s thoughts about the fact that beauty means youth. For example, individuals tend to buy skincare products after young celebrities hoping that their skin will be healthy like those influencers despite the fact that those influencers are so much younger than them."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The development of ideas is reasonable, but there’s room for improvement in depth and elaboration. Provide more detailed examples or delve into the psychological impact of these advertisements on individuals. Consider exploring the potential consequences of placing such importance on external beauty.
    • Improved example: "Primarily, the pervasive influence of cosmetic advertisements, featuring youthful models as endorsers, distorts the perception that beauty equates to youth. For instance, individuals often purchase skincare products endorsed by young celebrities, anticipating a transformation akin to their youthful influencers. This not only reveals the powerful sway of media but also underscores the psychological implications of equating beauty solely with youth."
  3. Quoted text: "Personally, I believe that the increasing demand of adults wanting to look young is a negative movement, as this can be harmful to their health, both physically and mentally. For instance, there was always news about people passing away from undergoing unnecessary plastic surgery. Moreover, this has a negative effect on anyone who experiences their ages naturally, as they might lose their self-confidence when comparing themselves with others."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The concluding paragraph articulates a clear position, but the reasoning lacks depth. Expand on the health implications and delve into the societal consequences in more detail. Additionally, consider providing a balanced view by addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen the overall argument.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, the surge in the desire to appear youthful among adults poses considerable risks, adversely impacting both their physical and mental well-being. News reports frequently highlight tragic outcomes of unnecessary plastic surgeries, emphasizing the severe health risks associated with this trend. Furthermore, the societal repercussions are profound, as individuals who embrace the natural aging process may experience a decline in self-confidence when comparing themselves to those who resort to artificial enhancements. While the pursuit of a youthful appearance may be driven by societal expectations, it is crucial to weigh these against the potential harms to both individuals and society at large."

Overall, the essay adequately addresses the task but would benefit from more nuanced and detailed exploration of the reasons and consequences associated with the trend.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the argument. The essay organizes ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression from causes to the author’s opinion. There’s a satisfactory use of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, contributing to logical flow. Paragraphing is generally logical, although some improvement is possible. Sentences within paragraphs are cohesive, but there are instances of mechanical use of cohesive devices.

How to Improve:

  1. Enhance Cohesive Devices: While the essay employs cohesive devices, ensure they are used more precisely to strengthen the logical connections between sentences and ideas.
  2. Refine Paragraphing: While there’s logical paragraphing, pay attention to ensuring a more consistent and nuanced structure. Each paragraph should distinctly focus on a central topic.
  3. Vary Sentence Structure: Introduce more sentence variety to enhance the overall coherence. This will add a layer of sophistication to the essay.
  4. Precision in Cohesion: Be cautious of the mechanical use of cohesive devices. Ensure they fit naturally within the context and contribute meaningfully to the overall coherence.

Remember, this feedback aims to guide you toward refining your coherence and cohesion. Overall, the essay is on the right track but can benefit from slight improvements in these areas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey ideas with some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and the awareness of style and collocation is evident. The essay, however, does produce occasional errors in word choice and word formation.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, focus on incorporating a more extensive variety of vocabulary with even greater precision. Pay careful attention to word choice and collocation to minimize occasional errors. Additionally, ensure consistency in word formation and spelling throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is an attempt to use a variety of structures, although some errors in grammar and punctuation are present. The essay’s communication is rarely hindered by these errors. The range of structures is somewhat limited, and there is room for improvement in achieving more complexity and accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance the Grammatical Range and Accuracy, strive for a greater variety of sentence structures. Incorporate a wider range of complex sentences to showcase grammatical flexibility. Additionally, pay careful attention to grammar and punctuation to reduce the occurrence of errors. Consider proofreading to catch and correct these issues, ensuring a smoother flow and more polished writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present era, societal expectations place a significant emphasis on individuals looking good. Consequently, many people invest a considerable amount of money in cosmetic endeavors to maintain a youthful appearance. However, I firmly believe that this trend is detrimental.

To commence, there are various reasons why adults aspire to appear younger. Primarily, the pervasive influence of cosmetic companies’ advertisements, featuring youthful models, skews people’s perceptions by suggesting that beauty equates to youth. For instance, individuals often purchase skincare products endorsed by young celebrities, hoping to achieve skin health akin to these influencers, despite the significant age difference. Additionally, a desire for admiration drives people to seek ways to enhance their beauty. As individuals age, insecurities about their appearance often arise, leading many to invest in expensive cosmetic products or even undergo plastic surgery to regain a youthful look.

Personally, I view the growing inclination of adults to appear young as a negative trend due to its potential harm to both physical and mental well-being. Notably, reports of individuals succumbing to complications from unnecessary plastic surgery are not uncommon. Furthermore, this phenomenon adversely affects those embracing the natural aging process, as comparisons with artificially enhanced appearances may erode their self-confidence.

In conclusion, the surge in the desire for a youthful appearance among adults may stem from the impact of advertisements and individuals’ yearning for praise. Nevertheless, I am steadfast in my belief that this trend represents an undesirable progression, particularly in terms of its adverse effects on both physical and mental health.

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