Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e.g. at home, when travelling, etc.).
Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?
In the past decades, information technology has received a great deal of attention around the world due to its convenience in the work environment. Although there are several benefits and some underlying downsides that information technology brings to us, I strongly believe that the advantages completely outweigh the disadvantages.
On the one hand, there are several negative aspects of not working in the office. The cogent one is that people have fewer opportunities to interact with others, which means they might not have the feeling of being involved in or belonging to the team. As an extreme consequence, people tend to feel isolated since they are not able to understand others, especially their staff, and have some mental issues. It, therefore, can lead to drop out of the companies. Moreover, if they work outside the office environment, they will be likely to easily tune out their work. Take working from home as a prime example. Those who receive online jobs might face a number of distractions, not only from their neighbors but also from other social media, which can severely reduce people's productivity and lack of interpersonal connection with other employees.
On the other hand, it is undeniable that there are incalculable benefits to remote work. First, it allows people to work in a flexible environment. They can finish their work at any time at their discretion, from midnight to early morning, without any observation from their managers. The time spent on a long-distance commute can be with families or doing some routines, which can help them achieve work-life balance. Then, from the perspective, there will be more possibilities to attract talent because the-work-at-home policy can be an incentive to good performance employees since it can help save time-consuming for staff, which could encourage employees to be proactive in their time and efforts.
In conclusion, while remote work can have some inevitable disadvantages, I am convinced that it brings several benefits to people in terms of saving costs and improving the quality of the labor force. I believe that companies should combine working at home and office to enhance the proactive of their staff, which is to eliminate limitations of working remotely.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"great deal of attention" -> "considerable attention"
Explanation: Replacing "great deal of attention" with "considerable attention" maintains formality by using a more precise and sophisticated term.
"underlying downsides" -> "inherent drawbacks"
Explanation: "Underlying downsides" is a bit redundant. "Inherent drawbacks" is a more concise and formal phrase.
"advantages completely outweigh the disadvantages" -> "advantages far outweigh the disadvantages"
Explanation: While both phrases express a similar sentiment, "far outweigh" adds a touch of emphasis and a more formal tone.
"cogent one" -> "significant one"
Explanation: "Cogent" implies compelling or convincing, but "significant" better fits the context here, highlighting the importance of the identified negative aspect.
"tend to feel isolated" -> "may experience isolation"
Explanation: "Tend to feel" is slightly less formal. "May experience isolation" maintains the intended meaning in a more academic tone.
"it, therefore, can lead to drop out of the companies" -> "consequently, it may lead to employees leaving their positions"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, replacing "drop out of the companies" with "leaving their positions" offers a clearer expression.
"easily tune out their work" -> "become easily distracted from their work"
Explanation: "Easily tune out" is more colloquial. The suggested phrase is more formal and conveys the idea of distraction more explicitly.
"incalculable benefits" -> "countless benefits"
Explanation: "Incalculable" may seem overly dramatic. "Countless benefits" maintains a formal tone without exaggeration.
"finish their work at any time at their discretion" -> "complete their work at their own discretion"
Explanation: "Finish" can be replaced with "complete" for a more formal tone, and "at any time" with "at their own discretion" for precision.
"from midnight to early morning" -> "during unconventional hours"
Explanation: Using "during unconventional hours" is more formal and encompasses various times beyond midnight to early morning.
"there will be more possibilities to attract talent" -> "this offers more opportunities to attract talent"
Explanation: The suggested change is clearer and more formally structured.
"time-consuming for staff" -> "time constraints for employees"
Explanation: "Time-consuming for staff" can be rephrased as "time constraints for employees" for better clarity in a formal context.
"proactive in their time and efforts" -> "take initiative in managing their time and efforts"
Explanation: "Proactive" is a bit informal; "take initiative" better aligns with academic writing and emphasizes self-motivation.
"I am convinced" -> "I am of the opinion"
Explanation: "I am convinced" is slightly informal. "I am of the opinion" maintains formality without losing the intended meaning.
"enhance the proactive of their staff" -> "enhance the proactivity of their staff"
Explanation: "Proactive of their staff" is grammatically incorrect. "Enhance the proactivity of their staff" is a more precise and formal expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "I strongly believe that the advantages completely outweigh the disadvantages."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The position taken in the introduction is clear, but it lacks a preview of the main points that will support this position. Enhancing the clarity and structure of the essay could be achieved by providing a brief overview of the arguments that will follow.
- Improved example: "While there are drawbacks associated with remote work, I firmly believe that its benefits far surpass the negatives. In this essay, I will discuss how flexibility and work-life balance outweigh the potential downsides."
Quoted text: "As an extreme consequence, people tend to feel isolated since they are not able to understand others, especially their staff, and have some mental issues."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The argument presented lacks specificity and depth. It broadly mentions the consequence of isolation and mental issues but lacks elaboration or examples to support these claims. To improve, consider providing specific instances or studies showcasing the impact of isolation on mental health or productivity.
- Improved example: "Extended periods of isolation in remote work settings have been linked to decreased job satisfaction and increased feelings of loneliness. For instance, a survey by XYZ Research indicated that 70% of remote workers reported feeling disconnected from their team, leading to decreased morale and productivity."
Quoted text: "Moreover, if they work outside the office environment, they will be likely to easily tune out their work."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This point is valid but lacks development and elaboration. To strengthen it, provide examples or scenarios illustrating how remote workers might struggle to remain focused due to environmental distractions or lack of supervision.
- Improved example: "Without the structured office environment, remote workers often face challenges in maintaining focus due to various distractions like household chores, family members, or other non-work-related activities. A study conducted by ABC Institute found that 60% of remote workers struggle with maintaining concentration, leading to reduced productivity."
Overall, while the essay acknowledges both advantages and disadvantages of remote work, it could significantly benefit from providing more specific examples and in-depth explanations to bolster its arguments. Adding concrete illustrations and factual examples would enhance the overall persuasiveness and coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas, with clear progression throughout. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, contributing to overall coherence. The use of cohesive devices is generally appropriate, although there are instances of slight overuse. The essay effectively discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of working outside the office, presenting a balanced view.
How to improve:
To enhance cohesion, consider refining the use of cohesive devices to avoid occasional overuse. Additionally, ensure that referencing and substitution are clear and accurate. While the essay logically presents ideas within paragraphs, there is room for improvement in the overall structure, ensuring a seamless flow between paragraphs. Overall, maintaining this level of organization and refining cohesive elements will contribute to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
This essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, incorporating some less common vocabulary. There’s an attempt to convey ideas using varied terms, but with occasional inaccuracies and a lack of sophisticated control. The essay touches on the advantages and disadvantages of remote work, showing a fair understanding of the topic. However, the vocabulary lacks depth and sophistication in expression, occasionally leading to imprecise or repetitive word choices. The errors in word choice and collocation slightly impede the essay’s clarity and fluency.
How to improve:
To elevate the lexical resource, aim for greater precision in word choices and try incorporating more diverse and nuanced vocabulary. Work on enhancing the use of idiomatic expressions and collocations to add sophistication to the language. Review the use of transitional phrases and connectors to improve coherence and cohesion within the essay. Practicing with a wider range of vocabulary in various contexts can also enhance lexical control and fluency.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of a variety of complex structures, including conditional sentences ("if they work outside the office environment, they will be likely to easily tune out their work") and subordinate clauses ("which can severely reduce people’s productivity and lack of interpersonal connection with other employees"). The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to a smooth and coherent flow of ideas. However, there are a few instances of minor errors and awkward phrasing, such as "The cogent one is that people have fewer opportunities," where a more concise expression could be used, and "from midnight to early morning, without any observation from their managers," which may benefit from clearer wording.
How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, consider refining sentence structures for clarity and conciseness. Additionally, pay attention to word choice to ensure precise and effective communication. Regular proofreading can help eliminate minor errors and enhance overall grammatical precision.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent decades, information technology has garnered widespread attention globally, particularly for its convenience in the workplace. Despite both advantages and drawbacks associated with this technology, I firmly believe that the benefits far outweigh the disadvantages.
On the negative side, working away from the office presents certain challenges. A significant one is the reduced opportunities for interpersonal interaction, leading to a sense of isolation and detachment from the team. This isolation can even result in mental health issues and may eventually lead individuals to disengage from their companies. Additionally, working outside the office, as exemplified by remote work, can introduce distractions, not just from neighbors but also from various social media platforms. These distractions can significantly hamper productivity and hinder meaningful connections with colleagues.
Conversely, the advantages of remote work are undeniable. Firstly, it offers a flexible working environment, allowing individuals to complete tasks at their preferred times, whether late at night or early in the morning, without constant supervision. The time saved from avoiding a lengthy commute can be spent with family or on personal routines, contributing to a better work-life balance. Moreover, embracing remote work opens up possibilities for attracting talent, as a work-from-home policy can serve as an incentive for high-performing employees by saving them time and fostering a proactive approach to their responsibilities.
In conclusion, while remote work is not without its challenges, I am firmly convinced that its benefits, such as cost savings and an enhanced labor force, are substantial. I advocate for a balanced approach, where companies integrate both remote and office work to maximize the proactive engagement of their staff, eliminating the limitations associated with working solely in a remote capacity.