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It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is a popular belief that youngsters have a strong ambition to set up their private company instead of working in employee environments. While it is argued that running a business could benefit from personal experiences in various ways, I am more convinced that the drawbacks including an economic downturn and the responsibility of ownership are more serious and should not be overlooked.

It is evident that establishing a private firm could offers some advantages in terms of personal experiences.One of the main advantages of running a business is the potential for self-managed profits. As a business owner, one has the opportunity to directly benefit from the profits generated by the venture. Unlike working for an employer, where one's salary is determined, being self-employed allows individuals to control their income.Furthermore, being self-employed offers a sense of freedom to make own decisions and autonomy that can be appealing to many young people. Instead of keeping a fixed schedule and following the instructions of a supervisor, entrepreneurs have the flexibility to set their own working hours and make independent decisions. This level of control over their work can lead to a greater sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. Hence, operating a private company can assist young people cultivate essential knowledge within business and get vital personal experiences.

However, despite these advantages, I believe that there are disadvantages for youngsters in setting up a business such as an economic downturn and the responsibility of ownership. At the top of the list drawbacks is the high level of uncertainty and risk involved. As a matter of fact,starting a business comes with financial investments and there is a strong possibility that the venture may fail.That means that it can be really hard for young people to persuade banks to lend money because of their early age. In addition,unlike a regular job, where one receives a fixed salary, if young individuals firmly are self-employed, it will mean that they can experience periods of low or no income. This could lead to a major source of stress and anxiety in youngsters. Another drawback is the strong responsibility that comes with being a business owner. There is a fair chance that entrepreneurs often find themselves working long hours, especially during the initial stages of their venture. They are responsible for various tasks such as managing finances, and handling customer relationships. Moreover, young individuals might also be concerned with building their reputation through managing many social platforms. This can lead to burnout and a lack of work-life balance.

In conclusion,my view is that the benefits of operating a business offered by young people’s personal experiences are undeniable yet outweighed by the disadvantages such as an economic downturn and the responsibility of ownership which should be taken into consideration.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "youngsters" -> "young individuals"
    Explanation: While "youngsters" isn’t inherently incorrect, in formal academic writing, using "young individuals" maintains a more professional tone and avoids the slightly informal connotation of "youngsters."

  2. "running a business could benefit from personal experiences" -> "engaging in entrepreneurship can draw upon personal experiences"
    Explanation: The phrase "running a business could benefit from personal experiences" is slightly awkward and could be refined for clarity. "Engaging in entrepreneurship can draw upon personal experiences" maintains the meaning while sounding more precise.

  3. "being self-employed allows individuals to control their income" -> "self-employment enables individuals to regulate their income"
    Explanation: "Allows" can be replaced with "enables" for a more formal tone. "Regulate" adds a level of precision, emphasizing control over income.

  4. "make own decisions" -> "make their own decisions"
    Explanation: The addition of "their" before "own decisions" ensures grammatical correctness and clarity.

  5. "level of control over their work can lead to a greater sense of fulfillment and satisfaction" -> "degree of control over their work can result in heightened fulfillment and satisfaction"
    Explanation: Using "degree" instead of "level" and rephrasing the sentence structure enhances the formality without sacrificing clarity.

  6. "can assist young people cultivate essential knowledge" -> "can assist young individuals in cultivating essential knowledge"
    Explanation: "Young individuals" maintains a formal tone, and adding "in" before "cultivating" improves the sentence structure.

  7. "high level of uncertainty" -> "significant level of uncertainty"
    Explanation: "High" can be replaced with "significant" for a slightly more formal and precise tone.

  8. "As a matter of fact" -> "Indeed"
    Explanation: "As a matter of fact" is slightly informal; "indeed" maintains the assertion without being overly casual.

  9. "that means that it can be really hard" -> "this implies that it can be exceedingly difficult"
    Explanation: The suggested change is more formal and emphasizes the severity of the difficulty faced.

  10. "young individuals firmly are self-employed" -> "young individuals are firmly self-employed"
    Explanation: Reordering the words for better syntax and clarity.

  11. "there is a fair chance that entrepreneurs often find themselves" -> "entrepreneurs frequently find themselves"
    Explanation: Simplifying the structure and replacing "there is a fair chance that" with "entrepreneurs frequently" for better flow and formality.

  12. "young individuals might also be concerned with building their reputation" -> "young individuals might also focus on cultivating their reputation"
    Explanation: "Building" is replaced with "cultivating" for a more formal tone, and "concerned with" is substituted with "focus on" for precision.

  13. "In conclusion, my view is that" -> "In conclusion, I firmly believe that"
    Explanation: Replacing "my view is that" with "I firmly believe that" strengthens the assertion in a more formal manner.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "It is a popular belief that youngsters have a strong ambition to set up their private company instead of working in employee environments. While it is argued that running a business could benefit from personal experiences in various ways, I am more convinced that the drawbacks including an economic downturn and the responsibility of ownership are more serious and should not be overlooked."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction sets the stage by expressing a clear position, which is good. However, it lacks a concise preview of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. Consider providing a brief roadmap of the advantages and drawbacks you’ll address, enhancing the reader’s understanding of your essay’s structure.
    • Improved example: "It is widely believed that many young individuals aspire to establish their own businesses instead of working for others. While some argue that entrepreneurship brings valuable personal experiences, I firmly believe that the potential drawbacks, such as economic uncertainties and the burden of ownership, outweigh the benefits."
  2. Quoted text: "It is evident that establishing a private firm could offers some advantages in terms of personal experiences. One of the main advantages of running a business is the potential for self-managed profits."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your points about the advantages of running a business are valid, but they lack depth and specific examples from personal knowledge or experience. To enhance this section, provide concrete examples or anecdotes that illustrate how self-managed profits and autonomy have positively impacted individuals you know or have read about. This will strengthen your argument.
    • Improved example: "It is evident that establishing a private firm offers advantages in terms of personal experiences. For instance, a friend of mine who started a small online business experienced firsthand the satisfaction of self-managed profits. Despite initial challenges, the ability to control income directly contributed to personal growth and financial stability."
  3. Quoted text: "However, despite these advantages, I believe that there are disadvantages for youngsters in setting up a business such as an economic downturn and the responsibility of ownership."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This is a strong acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint. To improve, elaborate more on the economic downturn aspect by providing specific examples or scenarios where young entrepreneurs might struggle during economic challenges. This will add depth to your argument and showcase a nuanced understanding of the potential drawbacks.
    • Improved example: "However, despite these advantages, I firmly believe that youngsters face significant challenges when setting up a business, especially during economic downturns. For instance, a downturn can lead to reduced consumer spending, affecting the income stability of young entrepreneurs. This heightened financial risk is a crucial factor that young business owners need to carefully consider."

Overall, while your essay addresses the task, there is room for improvement in providing specific and detailed examples from personal knowledge or experience to support your points and enhance the depth of your argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents coherent arguments on both sides, discussing the advantages and drawbacks of running a business. There is a clear attempt to organize ideas logically, with some progression between paragraphs. The essay uses cohesive devices effectively to link thoughts, but there are instances of faulty cohesion within sentences. Paragraphs are present, but their logical flow could be improved.

How to improve: Work on refining the logical flow between paragraphs for better coherence. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and accurately to strengthen the connections between sentences and ideas. Focus on refining the structure of paragraphs to enhance the overall organization and progression of thoughts.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, and the writer shows some flexibility in word choice and collocation. There is evidence of using less common lexical items, contributing to a fairly varied vocabulary. The essay effectively conveys ideas with clarity. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, which prevent it from reaching a higher band score. Additionally, some sentences could be more complex to enhance the fluency and sophistication of the language.

The essay discusses the advantages and drawbacks of running a business, presenting relevant examples and reasons. The writer effectively communicates the main points, demonstrating a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow flexibility and precision. Some phrases and expressions contribute to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

How to improve:

  1. Refine word choice and collocation to reduce occasional inaccuracies.
  2. Work on sentence structure to create more complex and sophisticated sentences.
  3. Pay attention to spelling and word formation to minimize errors.
  4. Maintain consistency in the level of formality and academic language throughout the essay.
  5. Introduce a greater variety of sentence structures to enhance fluency and flexibility.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and structure, utilizing a mix of simple and complex sentences effectively. There’s a good attempt at using varied structures, showcasing control over grammar and punctuation for the most part. The essay presents complex ideas with clarity, despite occasional errors.

How to improve:
To elevate the score further, focus on refining sentence structures to include more sophisticated constructions. Review and polish grammar to minimize occasional errors, especially in subject-verb agreement and tense consistency. Additionally, aim for a more diverse range of vocabulary to enhance expression and precision in conveying ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many young individuals aspire to establish their own businesses rather than working for someone else. While there are arguments favoring the personal growth derived from entrepreneurship, I firmly believe that the drawbacks, particularly economic uncertainties and the weight of ownership responsibilities, carry more weight and deserve attention.

Undeniably, starting a business has its perks, especially in terms of personal growth. One major advantage is the potential for direct profits. Unlike being employed, where one’s earnings are fixed, self-employment allows individuals to directly benefit from their business’s gains. Additionally, the freedom and autonomy that come with entrepreneurship, allowing for flexible schedules and independent decision-making, can be highly appealing to youngsters. This level of control fosters a sense of fulfillment and knowledge cultivation within the business realm.

However, despite these advantages, the downsides are significant, particularly for young entrepreneurs. Foremost among them is the high risk and uncertainty inherent in starting a business. It demands financial investments and often carries a substantial risk of failure, making it challenging for young people to secure funding due to their age. Moreover, unlike regular employment offering stable income, self-employment can lead to periods of low or no earnings, causing significant stress. Additionally, the weight of responsibility that comes with owning a business involves extensive work hours, managing finances, handling customer relations, and maintaining a strong online presence. These demands can lead to burnout and a compromised work-life balance.

In conclusion, while the personal growth opportunities presented by running one’s own business are undeniable, they are outweighed by the significant drawbacks, notably economic uncertainties and the substantial responsibilities of ownership. These drawbacks warrant careful consideration for aspiring young entrepreneurs.

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