It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age if it is possible for them to do so.Do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that people should keep working when they get older if they have the capability to do that. In my point of view, I partially agree with this viewpoint for several reasons that I will outline in the following paragraphs

To commence with, continuing working in an old age has some prime advantages for people. Firstly, it can help them to fulfill their passion and express their personal values at work. As a result , they will have a feeling of being recognized for their talent by others and their life can be very satisfying. For example, a retired artist may find joy in continuing to create art, or a seasoned teacher might relish the opportunity to mentor younger colleagues. This ongoing engagement in activities they love can provide a significant emotional and psychological boost, fostering a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.
Nevertheless, maintaining a job into people’s retirement years can also contain many harmful potentials for them. First, when getting older, physical health and cognitive sharpness generally diminish over time for most people. As a consequence, they may face unexpected accidents while working, which could affect multiple facets of their lives such as health and economy. Furthermore, old age is a time for us to rest after many years of hard work, to engage in charitable activities, and to participate in light-hearted leisure pursuits that help relax the mind. If people keep working when they get older, their life will be full of competitive ideas, the ways to deal with the problems in the job without knowing the importance of rest and mental relaxation, which contribute to a more satisfying and fulfilling life.
In conclusion ,although some people believe that continuing to work in old age is appropriate if individuals feel capable of doing so, I will maintain a balanced perspective because they have both some benefits and drawbacks..

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In my point of view" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "In my point of view," which is somewhat colloquial and less precise.
"I partially agree with this viewpoint" -> "I concur partially with this perspective"
Explanation: "Concur partially" is a more formal expression that enhances the academic tone, and "perspective" is preferred over "viewpoint" in formal writing to denote a more nuanced and considered opinion.
"To commence with" -> "To begin with"
Explanation: "To begin with" is a more standard and formal transitional phrase in academic writing, replacing the less common "To commence with."
"prime advantages" -> "primary advantages"
Explanation: "Primary" is more precise and formal than "prime," which can be seen as less specific in this context.
"fulfill their passion" -> "satisfy their passion"
Explanation: "Satisfy" is more commonly used in formal writing to describe meeting or fulfilling needs or desires, whereas "fulfill" can be less direct and slightly awkward in this context.
"a feeling of being recognized" -> "a sense of recognition"
Explanation: "A sense of recognition" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "a feeling of being recognized."
"their life can be very satisfying" -> "their lives can be highly fulfilling"
Explanation: "Highly fulfilling" is a more precise and formal term than "very satisfying," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"maintaining a job into people’s retirement years" -> "continuing employment during retirement"
Explanation: "Continuing employment during retirement" is a more formal and precise way to describe the ongoing work after retirement, avoiding the awkward construction of "maintaining a job into people’s retirement years."
"contain many harmful potentials" -> "pose many potential risks"
Explanation: "Pose many potential risks" is a clearer and more direct expression than "contain many harmful potentials," which is awkward and unclear in this context.
"getting older" -> "aging"
Explanation: "Aging" is a more formal and precise term than "getting older," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.
"unexpected accidents" -> "unforeseen accidents"
Explanation: "Unforeseen" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "unexpected," which is less specific and slightly informal.
"engage in charitable activities" -> "participate in philanthropic activities"
Explanation: "Participate in philanthropic activities" is a more specific and formal term than "engage in charitable activities," which is somewhat general and less precise.
"light-hearted leisure pursuits" -> "leisure activities"
Explanation: "Leisure activities" is a more straightforward and formal term than "light-hearted leisure pursuits," which is redundant and less formal.
"competitive ideas" -> "competitive pressures"
Explanation: "Competitive pressures" is a more precise and appropriate term in this context, referring to the stress and challenges of working in a competitive environment, rather than "competitive ideas," which is unclear and awkward.
"the ways to deal with the problems in the job" -> "strategies for addressing job-related challenges"
Explanation: "Strategies for addressing job-related challenges" is a more formal and precise way to describe methods for managing workplace issues, improving clarity and formality over the original phrase.
"conclusion" -> "conclusion"
Explanation: The word "conclusion" should be repeated consistently throughout the paragraph for grammatical correctness and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding whether people should continue working in old age. The writer acknowledges the benefits of continued work, such as fulfillment and recognition, while also highlighting the potential drawbacks, including health risks and the need for rest. However, the phrase "I partially agree" could imply a lack of a definitive stance, which may confuse the reader about the writer’s overall position.
- How to improve: To enhance the response to all parts of the question, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Instead of "partially agree," the writer could choose a more definitive stance, such as "I agree" or "I disagree," and then provide a balanced discussion that supports that position.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay presents arguments for both sides, the position is somewhat ambiguous. The use of "partially agree" in the introduction does not provide a strong, clear stance. The conclusion reiterates this ambiguity by stating a "balanced perspective," which may leave the reader uncertain about the writer’s true opinion.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their agreement or disagreement in the introduction. Throughout the essay, they should consistently refer back to this position when discussing the advantages and disadvantages of working in old age. A strong concluding statement that reaffirms their stance would also help clarify their viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several relevant ideas, such as the emotional benefits of work and the risks associated with aging. However, some points could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, the mention of "unexpected accidents" lacks specific examples or statistics that could strengthen the argument. Additionally, the discussion of leisure activities is somewhat vague and could be expanded to illustrate its importance more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. Including specific instances or studies that highlight the benefits of continued work or the risks associated with aging would enhance the essay’s persuasiveness. Furthermore, elaborating on the idea of leisure activities and their benefits could provide a more comprehensive view.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the question of whether older individuals should continue working. However, the discussion on the importance of rest and leisure could be seen as slightly tangential, as it does not directly address the core question of work versus retirement.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central question of the essay. While discussing leisure is relevant, it should be framed in the context of how it contrasts with the decision to work in old age. The writer could clarify how these leisure activities contribute to the argument against continued work, thereby reinforcing the overall topic.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, it would benefit from a clearer position, more detailed support for ideas, and tighter focus on the prompt. By addressing these areas, the writer could enhance their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the writer’s partial agreement with the prompt. The body paragraphs are organized around the advantages and disadvantages of working in old age. The first body paragraph effectively discusses the benefits, using examples to illustrate the points made, such as the retired artist and seasoned teacher. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother; the shift feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer linking sentence that signals the change in focus.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph, such as “On the other hand” or “Conversely,” to indicate a shift in perspective. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, and the body paragraphs are appropriately separated. However, the second body paragraph is slightly longer and contains multiple ideas that could be broken down into smaller, more focused paragraphs. This could help in maintaining clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: Consider dividing the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the health and safety concerns of working in old age, and the other discussing the importance of rest and leisure. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve the overall readability of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as “Firstly,” “As a result,” and “Nevertheless,” which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase “which could affect multiple facets of their lives such as health and economy” could be more explicitly linked to the preceding sentence to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as “Furthermore,” “In addition,” and “Consequently.” Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used effectively to clarify relationships between ideas. For instance, instead of simply stating “which could affect,” consider rephrasing to “This can lead to significant impacts on various aspects of their lives, including health and financial stability,” to enhance clarity and cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, but there are opportunities for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and effectiveness in presenting its arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with some effective word choices such as "fulfill," "passion," "satisfying," and "engagement." However, there are instances of repetition and a lack of variety in vocabulary. For example, the phrase "continuing working" could be varied with alternatives like "remaining in the workforce" or "continuing employment." Additionally, terms like "old age" and "retirement" are used multiple times without variation, which can detract from the overall lexical richness.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should strive to incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "old age," they could use "later life," "senior years," or "advanced age." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises could help in expanding their lexical repertoire.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "emotional and psychological boost," which effectively conveys the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "harmful potentials," which is somewhat awkward and could be more clearly expressed as "potential risks" or "negative consequences." Additionally, phrases like "unexpected accidents" could be more accurately described as "unforeseen incidents" to better capture the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately reflect their intended message. They can practice by writing sentences with synonyms and then choosing the most appropriate one. Reading high-quality essays or articles can also help them understand how to use vocabulary more effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, there are notable mistakes, such as "in an old age" (should be "in old age") and "the ways to deal with the problems in the job" (which could be more clearly stated as "ways to handle workplace challenges"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing spelling difficult words can also be beneficial. Additionally, keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments clearly, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "It is believed that people should keep working when they get older" and "Nevertheless, maintaining a job into people’s retirement years can also contain many harmful potentials for them" showcase the use of complex structures effectively. However, there are instances where the sentence structure could be more varied. For example, the use of "to commence with" and "first" as transitional phrases is somewhat repetitive and could benefit from more diversity in linking ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more varied transitional phrases and varying the order of clauses within sentences. For example, instead of always starting with "Firstly" or "To commence with," you could use phrases like "In addition," "Moreover," or "Conversely" to introduce new points. Additionally, try using more relative clauses and participial phrases to create more complex sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "continuing working in an old age" should be corrected to "continuing to work in old age." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the unnecessary space before the comma in "as a result , they will have a feeling" and the incorrect placement of the period in "drawbacks..". These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to verb forms and prepositions. Practice using infinitive forms correctly (e.g., "continuing to work" instead of "continuing working"). For punctuation, ensure that commas are placed correctly and that there are no extra spaces before punctuation marks. Regularly proofreading your work can help catch these errors. Additionally, consider using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct mistakes before finalizing your essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is believed that people should continue working in their old age if they have the capability to do so. From my perspective, I concur partially with this viewpoint for several reasons that I will outline in the following paragraphs.

To begin with, continuing to work in old age has some primary advantages for individuals. Firstly, it can help them to satisfy their passion and express their personal values at work. As a result, they will experience a sense of recognition for their talents from others, making their lives highly fulfilling. For example, a retired artist may find joy in continuing to create art, or a seasoned teacher might relish the opportunity to mentor younger colleagues. This ongoing engagement in activities they love can provide a significant emotional and psychological boost, fostering a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.

Nevertheless, continuing employment during retirement can also pose many potential risks for individuals. As people age, their physical health and cognitive sharpness generally diminish over time. Consequently, they may face unforeseen accidents while working, which could impact various aspects of their lives, such as health and finances. Furthermore, old age is a time for rest after many years of hard work, allowing individuals to engage in philanthropic activities and participate in light-hearted leisure activities that help relax the mind. If people continue working when they get older, their lives may become filled with competitive pressures and strategies for addressing job-related challenges, potentially overshadowing the importance of rest and mental relaxation, which contribute to a more satisfying and fulfilling life.

In conclusion, although some people believe that continuing to work in old age is appropriate if individuals feel capable of doing so, I maintain a balanced perspective because there are both benefits and drawbacks to this approach.