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It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct (e.g. Dinosaurs, dodos …) There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct (e.g. Dinosaurs, dodos …) There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

With the extinction of animal species, there are some arguments that it is related to natural processes. However, I believe that the decline of some creatures is also affected by human activities, so humans need to prevent this issue.
We cannot deny that natural disasters lead to the disappearance of creatures; however, there are various reasons why people should take responsibility to prevent this issue. First of all, the increasing demand for goods made from animals is due to the improvement of life quality. For example, crocodiles are hunted for making handbags, or elephants are poached because of their tusks. Besides, industry activities lead to animal habitat destruction. Some researchers argue that there has been at least 35% habitat loss since 2001, and I believe that this number is much higher nowadays.
On the other hand, it is crucial for humans to protect livestock because of its connection to ecosystems. This is true because if the extinction of some species happens, that means there will be significant changes in the food chain, and it will affect not only wild life but also human life because meat is one of the most important nutrients we consume. Furthermore, animals also play a vital role in preventing some diseases in humanity, and without animal survival, humans will be at risk.
In conclusion, the disappearance of animal species is not only because of Mother Nature but also because of the consequences of our actions. Therefore, in order to protect aspects of our lives, we should preserve wild animals.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "decline" -> "diminishment"
    Explanation: Replacing "decline" with "diminishment" adds a more sophisticated and nuanced term, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.

  2. "creatures" -> "species"
    Explanation: Substituting "creatures" with "species" is more specific and scientifically accurate, aligning with formal language standards commonly employed in academic writing.

  3. "take responsibility" -> "address the responsibility"
    Explanation: Changing "take responsibility" to "address the responsibility" maintains formality and adds precision to convey a more deliberate and proactive approach to the issue.

  4. "goods made from animals" -> "products derived from animals"
    Explanation: Replacing "goods made from animals" with "products derived from animals" introduces a more formal and precise term, suitable for an academic context.

  5. "hunted" -> "harvested"
    Explanation: Substituting "hunted" with "harvested" imparts a more neutral and formal tone, avoiding the emotional connotations associated with hunting.

  6. "poached" -> "illegally hunted"
    Explanation: Changing "poached" to "illegally hunted" provides a more specific and precise description, avoiding ambiguity and reinforcing the negative nature of the activity.

  7. "Besides" -> "Additionally"
    Explanation: Replacing "Besides" with "Additionally" contributes to a smoother transition between ideas, enhancing the overall coherence and formality of the essay.

  8. "at least" -> "a minimum of"
    Explanation: Substituting "at least" with "a minimum of" adds precision and formality to the statement, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

  9. "that means" -> "which implies"
    Explanation: Changing "that means" to "which implies" introduces a more formal and precise phrase, enhancing the sophistication of the sentence.

  10. "will affect" -> "will have repercussions on"
    Explanation: Replacing "will affect" with "will have repercussions on" imparts a more formal and nuanced expression, contributing to a higher level of academic discourse.

  11. "Mother Nature" -> "natural processes"
    Explanation: Substituting "Mother Nature" with "natural processes" is a more formal and scientifically grounded term, aligning with the academic style.

  12. "in order to" -> "to"
    Explanation: Removing "in order to" simplifies the expression without sacrificing clarity, maintaining a more concise and formal tone in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It acknowledges the natural process of species extinction but argues that humans should intervene to prevent it. Relevant sections include the acknowledgment of natural disasters and the discussion of human activities leading to habitat destruction and wildlife exploitation.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider explicitly discussing the opposing viewpoint briefly before refuting it. This can provide a more balanced perspective.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that humans should take responsibility to prevent species extinction. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing a consistent and coherent argument.
    • How to improve: Continue to emphasize and reiterate the main thesis to reinforce clarity. Be cautious not to introduce conflicting ideas that may muddle the overall stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, such as the impact of human activities on wildlife, the link between species extinction and the food chain, and the role of animals in preventing diseases. However, some points could benefit from further elaboration and development.
    • How to improve: Expand on examples and provide more specific evidence to bolster the presented ideas. For instance, offer additional details on the consequences of habitat destruction and the specific diseases prevented by animals.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains on topic, addressing both the natural process of extinction and the human impact on it. There are no significant deviations from the main theme.
    • How to improve: Be cautious about going into too much detail on secondary points. Ensure that each supporting detail contributes directly to the main argument and avoids unnecessary tangents.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, providing a well-structured and coherent response. To enhance the essay further, consider incorporating more detailed examples and evidence to support key points. Additionally, maintain a balance between depth and conciseness to ensure that each paragraph contributes substantively to the overall argument. Overall, an excellent response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably logical organization of information. The introduction provides a clear thesis statement expressing the need for humans to prevent the extinction of animal species. The body paragraphs follow a coherent order, discussing reasons for extinction and emphasizing the importance of prevention. The conclusion reaffirms the main argument. However, the progression of ideas could be smoother. For instance, the transition between the discussion of habitat destruction and the importance of protecting livestock could be refined for better logical flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining transitions between paragraphs. Clearly indicate how each point connects to the overall argument. Ensure a smooth and natural flow of ideas by using transition words and phrases.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the third paragraph, which discusses the importance of protecting livestock, could benefit from further development and clarification of its connection to the previous points. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing key points and restating the thesis.
    • How to improve: Enhance the third paragraph by providing more specific examples and emphasizing the link between livestock protection and the overall argument. In the conclusion, restate the thesis and summarize the main supporting points to create a cohesive and impactful ending.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transition words like "however," "furthermore," and "in conclusion." These help connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices to create stronger connections between paragraphs and enhance the overall coherence. For instance, the transition between the second and third paragraphs could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Strengthen coherence by using a wider range of cohesive devices. Explicitly signal shifts between ideas and paragraphs. For example, consider using phrases like "building on this argument" or "transitioning to the next point" to guide the reader through the essay seamlessly.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining transitions and explicitly connecting ideas would elevate the organizational structure and improve the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it adequately conveys the author’s ideas, there is room for improvement in diversifying word choices. For instance, the repetition of phrases such as "disappearance of creatures" and "prevent this issue" could be substituted with more varied expressions to enhance the overall lexical range.
    • How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "disappearance of creatures," try using terms like "extinction of species" or "loss of biodiversity." This not only adds depth to your expression but also showcases a broader lexical repertoire. Additionally, explore advanced vocabulary related to the essay’s themes to provide nuance and sophistication.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where more precision could enhance the impact. For example, when discussing the impact of industry activities, using more specific terms like "deforestation" or "habitat degradation" would provide a clearer and more precise description of the problem.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of general terms, opt for specialized vocabulary that pertains directly to the context. This not only makes your arguments more compelling but also demonstrates a keen command of language. In this case, replacing broad phrases with industry-related terms will sharpen the focus and accuracy of your message.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where errors, such as "wild life" instead of "wildlife," are noticeable. These minor spelling issues do not significantly impede comprehension but can be refined for a more polished presentation.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider revisiting the essay carefully during the editing phase. Utilize spell-check tools and allocate specific time for proofreading to catch and rectify any spelling errors. Additionally, make a conscious effort to differentiate between compound words like "wildlife" to ensure consistent and correct usage. Developing a meticulous approach to proofreading will contribute to overall writing quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but the variety could be improved for a higher score. For instance, the essay frequently employs simple sentence structures like "However," and "For example," which, while grammatically correct, could be enhanced by incorporating more complex structures such as compound or compound-complex sentences. Additionally, the repetitive use of certain structures might hinder the overall impression of variety.

    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and overall effectiveness of the essay, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce compound and compound-complex sentences to add complexity and sophistication to your writing. Instead of relying on repetitive sentence starters, experiment with different introductory phrases and transitions to create a smoother flow.

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances where errors or awkward phrasing occur. For example, in the sentence "This is true because if the extinction of some species happens," the use of "if" might create ambiguity. A more precise construction would be, "This is true because the extinction of some species will lead to significant changes." Additionally, there are occasional punctuation errors, such as missing commas before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences.

    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to sentence structure and avoid unnecessary complexity that might lead to confusion. Consider revising sentences for clarity, ensuring that each idea is expressed with precision. Moreover, review punctuation rules, specifically focusing on the proper use of commas in compound sentences. A thorough proofreading process will help catch and correct these minor errors.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a good range of sentence structures. With careful attention to sentence variety and meticulous proofreading, you can elevate your writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

While some argue that the extinction of animal species is a natural process, I contend that human activities contribute to the decline of certain creatures, necessitating proactive prevention. Undeniably, natural disasters can lead to the disappearance of species. Nevertheless, human actions play a significant role in this matter, and addressing this responsibility is essential.

The escalating demand for products derived from animals, driven by an improved quality of life, poses a threat to various species. For instance, crocodiles are illegally hunted for the production of handbags, and elephants are harvested for their tusks. Additionally, industrial activities contribute to the destruction of animal habitats, with a minimum of 35% habitat loss recorded since 2001, a figure likely higher today.

Protecting wildlife is paramount due to its connection to ecosystems. The extinction of certain species disrupts the food chain, impacting both wildlife and human life, as meat constitutes a vital part of our diet. Moreover, animals play a crucial role in preventing diseases in humanity, implying that without their survival, humans will face increased risks.

In conclusion, the disappearance of animal species stems not only from natural processes but also from the consequences of human actions. To safeguard various aspects of our lives, it is imperative that we take steps to preserve wild animals.

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