It is an increasing trend of businesses to neglect the environment to further their profits. What problems can this cause? What measures could resolve them?

It is frequently observed that the trend of today’s enterprises focusing mainly on prioritizing their profits, regardless of the current environmental crisis, is increasing. Ecological imbalance and the threat to residents’ health are the two primary causes, and effective steps can be taken to address the adverse effects of these circumstances.
On the one hand, ignoring the environment to foster financial income can damage many dimensions of human lives. These days, some large-scale corporations have to process a volume of industrial waste, which mainly causes air and water pollution around the habitats. Moreover, excessive exploitation of natural resources by enterprises soon becomes a hazard for the existence of specific creatures and environmental conditions. For example, in Vietnam and other Asian countries, the environment is losing numerous valuable species, such as the white rhinoceros due to the conversion of natural and agricultural lands into industrial zones. As a result, people directly decrease the forest coverage and destroy habitats for some fauna.
To solve these problems effectively, companies should be held accountable for addressing societal and environmental needs, rather than just extremely attaching to financial advancement. First, business activities must be permitted by the government or local authorities to operate in particular areas. Meanwhile, strict laws should be enacted for everyone to raise awareness of protecting and preserving the natural ecosystem. For instance, residents can consider levying taxes on companies and utilize that money to improve the surrounding environment as well as our quality of life.
In conclusion, I strongly acknowledge that no matter how big the businesses are, they should have actual strategies that can balance between protecting the environment and promoting their revenues.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is frequently observed that" -> "It is commonly observed that"
Explanation: "Commonly" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "frequently" in this context, as it implies a general trend rather than a specific frequency, which is more suitable for an academic discussion.
"the trend of today’s enterprises focusing mainly on prioritizing their profits" -> "the trend among contemporary enterprises of prioritizing profits over other considerations"
Explanation: The revised phrase clarifies the subject and the action, making it more specific and formal. "Contemporary" is preferred over "today’s" for a more formal tone, and "over other considerations" specifies that profits are prioritized at the expense of other factors.
"is increasing" -> "is increasingly prevalent"
Explanation: "Increasingly prevalent" is a more precise and formal way to describe the growing trend, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"ignoring the environment to foster financial income" -> "neglecting environmental concerns to prioritize financial gain"
Explanation: "Neglecting environmental concerns" is more specific and formal than "ignoring the environment," and "prioritize financial gain" is a more precise term than "foster financial income," aligning better with academic style.
"These days" -> "currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than the colloquial "these days."
"a volume of industrial waste" -> "significant volumes of industrial waste"
Explanation: "Significant volumes" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the magnitude of the issue, which is more suitable for an academic context.
"soon becomes a hazard" -> "rapidly becomes a hazard"
Explanation: "Rapidly" is more specific and formal than "soon," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"the environment is losing numerous valuable species" -> "the environment is losing numerous valuable species"
Explanation: This is a correction to maintain grammatical consistency, as "losing" should be followed by "is losing" to maintain the verb tense.
"people directly decrease the forest coverage" -> "human activities directly reduce forest coverage"
Explanation: "Human activities" is a more precise and formal term than "people," and "reduce" is more appropriate than "decrease" in this context, as it directly affects the verb subject.
"extremely attaching to financial advancement" -> "extremely focused on financial advancement"
Explanation: "Extremely focused on" is a more precise and formal way to express intense dedication, improving the academic tone of the sentence.
"business activities must be permitted" -> "business activities should be authorized"
Explanation: "Authorized" is a more formal term than "permitted," which is more commonly used in legal and administrative contexts, fitting the academic style better.
"strict laws should be enacted for everyone" -> "stringent regulations should be implemented universally"
Explanation: "Stringent regulations" and "implemented universally" are more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone and specificity of the recommendation.
"residents can consider levying taxes" -> "residents could consider imposing taxes"
Explanation: "Could consider" is more tentative and formal than "can consider," and "imposing" is a more precise term than "levying" in this context, aligning better with formal language.
"improve the surrounding environment as well as our quality of life" -> "enhance the surrounding environment and improve the quality of life"
Explanation: "Enhance" is a more formal synonym for "improve," and using "and" instead of "as well as" improves the flow and formality of the sentence.
"no matter how big the businesses are" -> "regardless of the size of the businesses"
Explanation: "Regardless of the size of the businesses" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "no matter how big."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt, identifying problems caused by businesses neglecting the environment, such as ecological imbalance and threats to human health. The examples provided, like the loss of species due to industrial expansion, are relevant and illustrate the issues well. Additionally, the proposed measures, such as government accountability and taxation, align with the problems discussed.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the problems and the proposed solutions. For instance, after discussing the environmental degradation, the author could directly link how government accountability could mitigate these specific issues. Including more diverse examples of problems and solutions would also strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that businesses should balance profit-making with environmental protection. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion, where the author reiterates the need for strategies that address both concerns.
- How to improve: To further solidify the position, the author could use transitional phrases that reinforce the argument’s consistency. For example, explicitly stating "This is why…" before introducing solutions would help maintain clarity and guide the reader through the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented clearly, with good initial explanations of the problems and solutions. The use of examples, such as the impact on species in Vietnam, effectively supports the points made. However, the development of ideas could be more robust, as some points are introduced but not fully explored.
- How to improve: The author should aim to elaborate on the proposed solutions. For example, discussing how specific laws could be implemented or what types of taxes could be levied would provide a deeper understanding of the measures suggested. Additionally, including statistics or expert opinions could further substantiate the claims.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic, discussing the environmental neglect of businesses and the resulting problems and solutions. There are no significant deviations from the topic, which helps maintain coherence.
- How to improve: While the essay stays on topic, ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main argument can enhance focus. The author could include a brief summary of each paragraph’s main point at the end to reinforce how it contributes to the overall argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and presents a well-structured argument. By enhancing the connections between problems and solutions, elaborating on ideas, and reinforcing the main position, the author could further elevate the quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the main issues and followed by distinct paragraphs that explore the problems and solutions. The progression from identifying the problems caused by neglecting the environment to proposing measures for resolution is coherent and easy to follow. For instance, the transition from discussing ecological damage to suggesting accountability measures is smooth and maintains the reader’s focus.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit linking phrases between ideas. For example, when transitioning from the problems to the solutions, phrases like "In light of these issues" or "To counter these challenges" could provide clearer connections and reinforce the logical structure.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The first paragraph introduces the issue, the second discusses the problems, and the third offers solutions. Each paragraph is well-developed and contributes to the overall argument. However, the introduction could be more concise, as it somewhat blends the problem statement with the solutions.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates its main idea. For example, the introduction could be split into two sentences: one stating the increasing trend of businesses neglecting the environment and another outlining the problems and solutions to be discussed. This would clarify the structure and enhance readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand," "moreover," and "as a result," which effectively guide the reader through the arguments. These devices help in linking sentences and ideas, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "moreover," consider alternatives like "in addition," "furthermore," or "besides." Additionally, using transitional phrases at the beginning of sentences can enhance the flow, such as "Consequently," or "In contrast," when discussing opposing views or solutions.

By focusing on these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially reaching a Band 9 in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "ecological imbalance," "industrial waste," and "habitats." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive in certain areas. For instance, the phrase "environment" appears multiple times, which could be varied with synonyms like "ecosystem," "natural surroundings," or "environmental context" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of vocabulary related to environmental issues and business practices. For example, instead of repeating "businesses," terms like "corporations," "enterprises," or "companies" could be used interchangeably. Additionally, utilizing more specific adjectives and adverbs can enrich the text, such as "unsustainable practices" instead of just "ignoring the environment."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "extremely attaching to financial advancement" is awkward and unclear. The intended meaning may be better conveyed with phrases like "exclusively focused on financial gain" or "overly concerned with profit maximization." Additionally, the term "hazard" is somewhat vague; a more precise term like "threat" or "risk" could enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. Engaging in vocabulary exercises that emphasize context and connotation can help. Practicing paraphrasing sentences to find clearer expressions can also be beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "residents’ health" which could be more clearly stated as "the health of residents" for grammatical accuracy. The phrase "levying taxes on companies" is correctly spelled but could be more effectively expressed as "imposing taxes on corporations" for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should regularly practice spelling exercises and utilize tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers. Reading extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling and familiarize the writer with various vocabulary forms.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will contribute to achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional phrases. For instance, the use of "ignoring the environment to foster financial income can damage many dimensions of human lives" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys the relationship between cause and effect. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as the frequent use of "to" infinitives (e.g., "to solve these problems," "to operate in particular areas"). This can make the writing feel somewhat monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence beginnings and using different grammatical forms. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "to," try using gerunds or participial phrases, such as "By fostering financial income, businesses often neglect the environment." This will enhance the overall flow and engagement of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "the trend of today’s enterprises focusing mainly on prioritizing their profits" could be clearer if rephrased to avoid awkwardness. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to confusion. For instance, "these days, some large-scale corporations have to process a volume of industrial waste" could benefit from a comma after "waste" to separate the clauses more clearly.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on refining sentence clarity and punctuation. Review complex sentences to ensure they are well-structured and consider using commas to separate clauses where necessary. Practicing with punctuation exercises and revising sentences for clarity can help. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency, will contribute to a higher level of accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is commonly observed that the trend among contemporary enterprises of prioritizing profits over other considerations, regardless of the current environmental crisis, is increasingly prevalent. Ecological imbalance and the threat to residents’ health are the two primary issues that arise from this neglect, and effective measures can be implemented to address the adverse effects of these circumstances.

On the one hand, neglecting the environment to foster financial gain can damage various aspects of human life. Currently, some large-scale corporations generate significant volumes of industrial waste, which primarily causes air and water pollution in surrounding habitats. Moreover, the excessive exploitation of natural resources by enterprises rapidly becomes a hazard for the existence of specific species and environmental conditions. For example, in Vietnam and other Asian countries, the environment is losing numerous valuable species, such as the white rhinoceros, due to the conversion of natural and agricultural lands into industrial zones. As a result, human activities directly reduce forest coverage and destroy habitats for various fauna.

To resolve these problems effectively, companies should be held accountable for addressing societal and environmental needs, rather than being extremely focused on financial advancement. First, business activities should be authorized by the government or local authorities to operate in designated areas. Meanwhile, stringent regulations should be implemented universally to raise awareness of the importance of protecting and preserving the natural ecosystem. For instance, residents could consider imposing taxes on companies and utilizing that revenue to enhance the surrounding environment and improve the quality of life.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that regardless of the size of the businesses, they should develop actual strategies that can balance the need to protect the environment with the goal of promoting their revenues.