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It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives.
Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages

In this contemporary era, many people claim that taking risks brings for them a ton of merits in both life and work. However, others assume that people should not take risks because it affects their lives. I personally think that the benefits of taking risks outweigh the demerits.

On the one hand, there are numerous benefits that taking risks bring to people’s lives. Firstly, many opportunities are created that people can receive when they take risks. Individuals can step outside their comfort zone and face many challenges, that is a new door where new jobs, new relationships, new feelings are created. Secondly, their confidence and pride may enhance and help them change themselves. People can successfully set new goals with their confidence and boost their belief, energy after they finish taking a risk. Moreover, people grow and mature throughout the failure of taking risks. Many lessons involve endeavor, confidence and experience help people be more mature and do not repeat mistakes.

On the other hand, taking risks encompasses a ton of disadvantages for people. To begin with, people can face financial loss that causes massive effects. Financial loss may come from the failure of investment, business or jobs change that cannot control and is related to people’s life. In addition, the impact on feeling also plays an important role in people’s nurture. Taking risks requires individuals thinking and having a specific plan and it causes stress and exhaustion, managing this pressure can be challenging for many individuals.

In conclusion, although taking risks may destroy the good mood of people and bring for them many consequences, it is a way to help people mature and know the weakness to develop more and the challenges as a lesson for their life.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In this contemporary era" -> "In the contemporary era"
    Explanation: Removing "this" before "contemporary era" corrects the grammatical structure, aligning with formal academic style by avoiding unnecessary articles before nouns that refer to time periods.

  2. "a ton of merits" -> "numerous merits"
    Explanation: "A ton of" is an informal expression and vague. "Numerous" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

  3. "people should not take risks" -> "individuals should refrain from taking risks"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "people," and "refrain from taking" is a more precise and formal way to express avoidance.

  4. "the benefits of taking risks" -> "the advantages of risk-taking"
    Explanation: "Risk-taking" is a more concise and formal way to refer to the act of taking risks, improving the academic tone.

  5. "many opportunities are created that people can receive" -> "numerous opportunities arise"
    Explanation: "Arise" is more concise and formal than "are created that people can receive," which is verbose and awkward.

  6. "that is a new door where new jobs, new relationships, new feelings are created" -> "opening new avenues for employment, relationships, and personal growth"
    Explanation: This revision clarifies and formalizes the metaphor, using more precise language that is better suited for academic writing.

  7. "their confidence and pride may enhance and help them change themselves" -> "their confidence and self-esteem may increase and facilitate personal growth"
    Explanation: "Self-esteem" is a more specific term than "pride," and "facilitate personal growth" is more formal and precise than "help them change themselves."

  8. "boost their belief, energy after they finish taking a risk" -> "enhance their confidence and energy after undertaking a risk"
    Explanation: "Enhance" and "undertaking" are more formal and precise than "boost" and "finish taking," respectively.

  9. "grow and mature throughout the failure of taking risks" -> "develop and mature through the challenges of risk-taking"
    Explanation: "Develop and mature through the challenges of risk-taking" is more formal and avoids the negative connotation of "failure."

  10. "Many lessons involve endeavor, confidence and experience help people be more mature and do not repeat mistakes" -> "Many lessons involve endeavor, confidence, and experience, thereby fostering maturity and preventing repeated mistakes"
    Explanation: This revision clarifies and formalizes the sentence structure, improving readability and formality.

  11. "a ton of disadvantages" -> "numerous disadvantages"
    Explanation: Again, "a ton of" is informal and vague; "numerous" is more precise and suitable for academic writing.

  12. "people can face financial loss that causes massive effects" -> "individuals may incur significant financial losses with far-reaching consequences"
    Explanation: "Incur significant financial losses with far-reaching consequences" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial "massive effects."

  13. "the impact on feeling also plays an important role in people’s nurture" -> "the emotional impact also plays a significant role in personal development"
    Explanation: "Emotional impact" and "personal development" are more specific and formal terms than "impact on feeling" and "people’s nurture."

  14. "Taking risks requires individuals thinking and having a specific plan" -> "Risk-taking necessitates careful planning and strategic thinking"
    Explanation: "Risk-taking necessitates careful planning and strategic thinking" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward construction of the original phrase.

  15. "it causes stress and exhaustion, managing this pressure can be challenging" -> "it generates stress and exhaustion, managing this pressure can be daunting"
    Explanation: "Generates" and "daunting" are more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of taking risks. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. However, while the advantages are elaborated upon, the disadvantages could be more thoroughly explored, especially in terms of specific examples or scenarios that illustrate the potential negative outcomes of taking risks.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should consider providing more detailed examples for both the advantages and disadvantages. For instance, citing specific situations where taking risks led to significant personal or professional growth, as well as instances where risks resulted in substantial setbacks, would create a more balanced argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the benefits of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages. The writer consistently supports this viewpoint throughout the essay. However, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother, as the shift feels somewhat abrupt.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, explicitly stating how the disadvantages are less significant compared to the advantages could reinforce the position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits of taking risks, such as increased opportunities and personal growth. However, the support for these ideas, while present, could be more robust. The discussion on disadvantages is less developed, lacking specific examples or deeper analysis.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to extend their ideas with concrete examples and elaboration. For instance, discussing a specific case where someone took a risk and succeeded, or conversely, where a risk led to failure, would provide a more compelling argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the pros and cons of taking risks. However, some sentences could be more concise to avoid straying from the main argument. For example, the phrase "that is a new door where new jobs, new relationships, new feelings are created" could be more directly tied to the main point about opportunities.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should aim for clarity and conciseness in their sentences. Regularly revisiting the main argument in each paragraph can help ensure that all points made are relevant to the central thesis.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument. By incorporating more detailed examples, improving transitions, and ensuring conciseness, the writer could enhance their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that the benefits of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages. The introduction effectively outlines the two opposing views, and the body paragraphs are structured to present the advantages and disadvantages separately. However, the logical progression within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of taking risks to the disadvantages could be smoother. The phrase "On the one hand" is used correctly, but the subsequent transition to "On the other hand" feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that ties the two ideas together.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases that summarize the previous point before introducing the next. For example, after discussing the benefits, a sentence like "Despite these advantages, there are significant drawbacks to consider" could provide a clearer transition.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with distinct sections for advantages and disadvantages. Each paragraph contains multiple sentences that develop a single idea, which is a strength. However, the concluding paragraph feels somewhat disjointed from the preceding arguments. It reiterates points made earlier but lacks a strong synthesis of the ideas presented.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph not only presents an idea but also connects back to the thesis. In the conclusion, instead of merely summarizing, consider synthesizing the main points to reinforce the argument. For instance, you could briefly restate how the benefits discussed directly counterbalance the disadvantages mentioned.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Moreover," which help to organize points. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For example, the use of "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" is effective, but additional devices like "in addition," "furthermore," or "however" could enhance the flow and clarity of the arguments.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider variety of linking phrases. For instance, when introducing a new point, you might use "Additionally," or to contrast ideas, consider "Conversely." This will not only improve cohesion but also demonstrate a greater command of language.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, enhancing transitions, synthesizing points in the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "contemporary era," "opportunities," "confidence," and "financial loss." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "taking risks" and "people." For instance, the phrase "a ton of merits" is informal and could be replaced with more academic alternatives such as "numerous advantages" or "significant benefits."
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "taking risks," alternatives like "embracing challenges" or "venturing into the unknown" could be employed. Additionally, using more sophisticated phrases would elevate the essay’s tone.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "brings for them a ton of merits" is awkward and unclear. The phrase "the impact on feeling" is also vague and could be better articulated as "the emotional impact" or "the psychological effects."
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity. Instead of vague terms, they should aim for more precise language. For instance, replacing "many lessons involve endeavor" with "many lessons emphasize the importance of perseverance" would clarify the intended meaning.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "nurture" instead of "nature" in the context of emotional development. Additionally, "demerits" is a less common term that may not be familiar to all readers, which could lead to confusion.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or use spell-check tools. Familiarizing themselves with commonly misspelled words and practicing writing can also help. For example, ensuring the correct use of "nature" instead of "nurture" would improve clarity and correctness.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduces contrasting ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way sentences are initiated. For example, the phrase "taking risks" is frequently used to start sentences, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using different introductory phrases or clauses. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "taking risks," you could rephrase some sentences to begin with subordinate clauses or transitional phrases, such as "While taking risks can lead to…" or "Despite the potential drawbacks, individuals often find that…". This will create a more dynamic flow and engage the reader more effectively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "brings for them a ton of merits" is awkwardly constructed; it would be clearer to say "brings them numerous benefits." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the comma before "that is a new door," disrupt the flow of the sentences. The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in complex sentences where clauses are joined.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on refining sentence constructions for clarity. Review the use of articles and prepositions, as in "the failure of taking risks" which could be simplified to "the failures associated with taking risks." Additionally, practice using punctuation correctly, especially in complex sentences. A good strategy is to read sentences aloud to identify natural pauses that indicate where commas should be placed. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on specific grammatical structures can also help solidify these skills.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this contemporary era, many people claim that taking risks brings numerous merits in both their personal and professional lives. However, others argue that individuals should refrain from taking risks due to the potential negative impacts on their lives. I personally believe that the advantages of risk-taking outweigh the disadvantages.

On the one hand, there are numerous benefits that taking risks can bring to people’s lives. Firstly, many opportunities arise when individuals step outside their comfort zones and face challenges. This can open new avenues for employment, relationships, and personal growth. Secondly, their confidence and self-esteem may increase, enabling them to set new goals and boost their belief and energy after undertaking a risk. Moreover, individuals develop and mature through the challenges of risk-taking. Many lessons involve endeavor, confidence, and experience, thereby fostering maturity and preventing repeated mistakes.

On the other hand, taking risks encompasses numerous disadvantages for individuals. To begin with, people may incur significant financial losses with far-reaching consequences. Financial loss can stem from failed investments, business ventures, or job changes that are beyond their control and can significantly impact their lives. In addition, the emotional impact also plays a significant role in personal development. Risk-taking necessitates careful planning and strategic thinking, and it generates stress and exhaustion; managing this pressure can be daunting for many individuals.

In conclusion, although taking risks may disrupt individuals’ emotional well-being and lead to various consequences, it ultimately serves as a pathway for personal growth and self-awareness, helping them to recognize their weaknesses and learn valuable lessons for the future.

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