It is important for people to take risks, in both their professional lives and personal lives. Do the advantages of taking these risks outweigh the disadvantages?
Challenges play a pivotal role in everyone’s life, and the willingness to face them should be spontaneous. Taking risks provides more chances of career enhancement, while developing the portraits of self-reliance and confidence of risk-takers. Therefore, the benefits of challenging overshadows the drawbacks.
In terms of career, stepping out of people’s comfort zone results in the high likelihood of earning a large number of money. For example, the well-known Chinese billionaire Jack Ma used to be an English teacher before establishing the world’s largest e-commerce market place Alibaba and becoming one of the most wealthy businessman in China until now. Taking the risks of starting-up earned him a rich man. Additionally, accepting challenges at work aids an outstanding appearance from the crowd, bringing more opportunities to get a promotion. The competitive job market has lead to the endeavors for workers to showcase themselves in an visible and attractive way to their supervisors. For example, during a meeting, the member who bravely speak out his opinions which are reversed to his boss’s ideas impresses the leaders, and his excellent performance at work will help him earn a nomination for a better working position.
In personal life, taking risks provides a chance to discover themselves and challenges their limits, sharpening their encouragement and dependence. For example, in the 20th century when the telecommunication was underdeveloped, working abroad was considered as taking risks due to the connection disruption to the family. However, the ones encouraging to earn a living in a different country could save a huge amount of money before returning back to their hometown. Consequently, they utilized the savings to purchases necessities or found their own business.
In conclusion, the benefits of taking challenges outweigh the disadvantages, including potential increases in salaries and working status, and the development of value portraits: self-confidence and determination. However, the hidden dangers are possible, so one should consider carefully before making a decision.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"Challenges play a pivotal role" -> "Challenges play a crucial role"
Explanation: The term "pivotal" is slightly informal. Replacing it with "crucial" maintains formality and enhances the precision of expression.
"the willingness to face them should be spontaneous" -> "the readiness to confront them should be innate"
Explanation: The word "spontaneous" is more suitable for describing actions that occur without premeditation. Using "innate" conveys a more natural and inherent quality.
"Taking risks provides more chances of career enhancement" -> "Embracing risks increases the likelihood of career advancement"
Explanation: The phrase "more chances" can be refined to "increases the likelihood." Additionally, substituting "enhancement" with "advancement" adds specificity and formality.
"portraits of self-reliance and confidence of risk-takers" -> "attributes of self-reliance and confidence in risk-takers"
Explanation: "Portraits" is a bit informal in this context. Replacing it with "attributes" maintains formality while accurately conveying the idea.
"the benefits of challenging overshadows the drawbacks" -> "the benefits of facing challenges outweigh the drawbacks"
Explanation: "Overshadows" is a more casual term. Using "outweigh" maintains formality and clarity in expressing the dominance of benefits over drawbacks.
"stepping out of people’s comfort zone" -> "venturing beyond one’s comfort zone"
Explanation: The phrase "stepping out of people’s comfort zone" can be refined to "venturing beyond one’s comfort zone" for a more polished and formal tone.
"large number of money" -> "substantial wealth"
Explanation: "Large number of money" is colloquial. Replacing it with "substantial wealth" adds formality and precision to the statement.
"one of the most wealthy businessman in China until now" -> "one of the wealthiest businessmen in China to date"
Explanation: "Most wealthy" is less formal. Changing it to "wealthiest" and rephrasing the sentence improves its academic tone.
"the competitive job market has lead to the endeavors for workers" -> "the competitive job market has led to workers’ efforts"
Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement by changing "lead" to "led" and rephrasing for conciseness and formality.
"showcase themselves in an visible and attractive way" -> "present themselves visibly and attractively"
Explanation: "Showcase" is a bit informal. Using "present" and reordering the sentence improves clarity and formality.
"during a meeting, the member who bravely speak out his opinions" -> "in a meeting, the member who courageously expresses his opinions"
Explanation: Adjusting the phrasing for proper grammar and using "courageously" instead of "bravely" enhances the formality of the statement.
"challenges their limits" -> "challenges their boundaries"
Explanation: Using "boundaries" instead of "limits" maintains formality and provides a more precise expression.
"sharpening their encouragement and dependence" -> "strengthening their resilience and self-reliance"
Explanation: "Sharpening" is a less formal term. Substituting it with "strengthening" and replacing "encouragement" with "resilience" enhances the academic tone.
"consider carefully before making a decision" -> "carefully weigh the decision"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for conciseness and maintaining formality by using "weigh the decision" instead of "making a decision."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the advantages of taking risks in both professional and personal lives, acknowledges potential drawbacks, and concludes with a balanced perspective.
- How to improve: While the essay covers all aspects, providing more specific examples and elaborating on potential disadvantages could enhance the depth of analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, asserting that the benefits of taking risks outweigh the drawbacks. This stance is evident in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas with examples, such as the case of Jack Ma and the benefits of challenging oneself in personal life. However, some ideas could be further extended and developed for a more comprehensive discussion.
- How to improve: To enhance idea development, the writer should provide additional details and explore the consequences of taking risks in more depth.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of taking risks in both professional and personal spheres. However, there are a few instances where the connection to the main topic could be stronger.
- How to improve: Ensure that each example and argument directly relates to the prompt. Avoid tangential discussions that may divert attention from the main theme.
The essay is well-structured and effectively addresses the prompt, earning a Band Score of 8. To improve, consider providing more specific examples, explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion, extending ideas for a more thorough discussion, and ensuring a stronger connection between examples and the main topic. The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and effectively explores the advantages and disadvantages of taking risks in both professional and personal contexts.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization by introducing the concept of taking risks in both professional and personal life. The examples provided, such as Jack Ma’s career trajectory, support the argument effectively. However, the flow is somewhat disrupted by abrupt transitions, particularly in the final paragraph. The shift from discussing personal life to the conclusion could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. In the concluding paragraph, provide a concise summary of the main points to reinforce the logical progression of the essay.
- Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct sections for the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph contains a central idea, but there is room for improvement in the structure of individual paragraphs. Some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences, making it challenging for the reader to discern the main point.
- How to improve: Strengthen each paragraph by including a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph is unified around a central theme, making the essay more reader-friendly and reinforcing the coherence of ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "therefore" and "additionally." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of cohesive devices. The transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be more diverse to create a smoother and more connected flow.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a broader range of transition words and phrases. For instance, utilize words like "furthermore," "consequently," and "in conclusion" to strengthen the connections between ideas. This will contribute to a more cohesive and polished essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, refining the logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will elevate the overall coherence and enhance the reader’s experience.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use varied words, some repetition is noticeable. For instance, the term "challenges" is frequently used, and synonyms or alternative expressions could enhance lexical diversity. There is also a tendency to rely on basic vocabulary in some instances, limiting the richness of expression.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating a more diverse set of synonyms for key terms, such as "challenges." Additionally, aim for a more nuanced selection of vocabulary, exploring advanced words or expressions where appropriate. Expand your lexical repertoire to convey ideas more precisely.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays imprecise vocabulary usage at times. For instance, the phrase "the benefits of challenging overshadow the drawbacks" could be refined for clarity. Also, the use of "encouragement and dependence" in the context of personal life seems inaccurate; a more appropriate term might be "self-reliance."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, carefully choose words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In the mentioned examples, consider alternative terms that better capture the essence of the message. Consult a thesaurus or related resources to identify precise and contextually fitting vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the spelling is fairly accurate, with only a few minor errors, such as "lead" instead of "led" and "bravely speak out his opinions" where "express" might be a more suitable term. Attention to detail is needed to ensure consistent spelling accuracy.
- How to improve: Proofread your essay thoroughly to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Pay special attention to common trouble spots, and consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to identify and address any overlooked mistakes.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of diversity and precision. Enhancing lexical variety and choosing words more precisely will contribute to a more sophisticated and effective expression of ideas. Additionally, meticulous proofreading can further enhance overall spelling accuracy.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is a mix of simple and complex sentences, there is room for improvement in sentence variety. Several sentences follow a similar structure, affecting the overall flow and sophistication of the essay. For instance, the repeated use of introductory clauses at the beginning of sentences can make the writing seem formulaic.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. Experiment with different sentence types, such as compound or compound-complex sentences. For instance, instead of consistently using introductory clauses, try using a variety of introductory phrases, subordinate clauses, or inversion to add depth and complexity to your sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors that impact clarity. For example, in the sentence "The competitive job market has lead to the endeavors," there is a subject-verb agreement issue (has led). Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases, that can be addressed for improved precision.
- How to improve: Carefully proofread your essay to identify and correct grammatical errors. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to catch and rectify errors. Practice incorporating a variety of sentence structures to reinforce grammatical accuracy and fluidity.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical conventions, but further attention to sentence variety and precise grammatical structures can elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Challenges play a crucial role in everyone’s life, and the readiness to confront them should be innate. Embracing risks increases the likelihood of career advancement, fostering attributes of self-reliance and confidence in risk-takers. Therefore, the benefits of facing challenges outweigh the drawbacks.
In terms of career, venturing beyond one’s comfort zone results in a high likelihood of earning substantial wealth. For instance, the well-known Chinese billionaire Jack Ma, initially an English teacher, took the risk of starting up Alibaba, now one of the largest e-commerce marketplaces globally. He has since become one of the wealthiest businessmen in China to date. Taking such risks can lead to financial success. Additionally, accepting challenges at work enhances visibility and attractiveness, creating more opportunities for promotion. In today’s competitive job market, workers must present themselves visibly and attractively to their supervisors. For example, in a meeting, the member who courageously expresses his opinions, even if they differ from his boss’s ideas, impresses the leaders. This outstanding performance can lead to a nomination for a better working position.
In personal life, taking risks provides a chance to discover oneself and challenges one’s limits, strengthening resilience and self-reliance. For instance, in the 20th century, when telecommunication was underdeveloped, working abroad was considered a risk due to potential disruptions in family connections. However, those daring to earn a living in a different country could save a substantial amount of money before returning to their hometown. Consequently, they utilized the savings to purchase necessities or even start their own business.
In conclusion, the benefits of facing challenges outweigh the disadvantages, encompassing potential increases in salaries and working status, and the development of valuable attributes: self-confidence and determination. However, the hidden dangers are possible, so one should carefully weigh the decision before taking risks.