It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy
lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are
already ill.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that the public budget should be allocated to fostering a healthy lifestyle to deter illness, rather than expending on the treatment of patients. Personally, I partly disagree with this viewpoint based on some major rationales.

On the one hand, there are many reasons why the government should invest in promoting a sustainable lifestyle, rather than helping patients with illness conditions. One of these is solving the root causes. In order to encourage people to live healthy, the authority can expend money on launching awareness campaigns about the consequences of bad sanitation or overconsumption of fast food, incentivizing products with high nutritional value, or creating more open spaces for all residents to do exercise. For instance, in Australia, where food is examined carefully regarding its quality, nutritional values of products will be categorized from one to five stars, helping buyers make more informed decisions when buying food. This, in turn, creates a more desirable living environment, with bacterias and germs reduced optimally, leading to reduced disease and illness.

On the other hand, it is paramount for the government to spend on medical treatment. One advantage of this practice is increased belief towards the national leaders. By investing in healthcare, residents would feel the care and the attention from their country regardless of their socio-economic background. This provides them with more motivation and power to overcome their circumstances. Moreover, strong investment in this sector can lead to a more manageable society for the authorities. Without adequate financial support, those from lower economic backgrounds may resort to some illegal acts to earn money to pay for their bills. This could be theft, house intrusion, or armed robbery, in some extreme cases, protests may even arise, resulting in social unrest.

In conclusion, while allocating money to foster a healthy lifestyle between citizens can address the underlying issue, I partially disagree that the government should neglect the treatment of sick individuals, which may lead to a chaotic society and reduced trust in the authorities. On balance, I contend that public money should be distributed fairly for all residents, regardless of their medical conditions.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "fostering a healthy lifestyle" -> "promoting a healthy lifestyle"
   Explanation: "Promoting" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic contexts to describe the act of encouraging or advancing a particular aspect, such as a lifestyle.

2. "expending on" -> "spending on"
   Explanation: "Expend" is less commonly used in modern English and can be confusing in this context. "Spending" is the standard term for allocating funds, making it more appropriate for formal writing.

3. "helping patients with illness conditions" -> "assisting patients with medical conditions"
   Explanation: "Illness conditions" is redundant and less formal. "Medical conditions" is the standard term in healthcare contexts and sounds more professional.

4. "solve the root causes" -> "address the root causes"
   Explanation: "Solve" implies a definitive resolution, which may not always be possible or immediate. "Address" is a more accurate and contextually appropriate term for dealing with complex issues like lifestyle changes.

5. "expend money on launching" -> "allocate funds for launching"
   Explanation: "Expend money on" is somewhat informal and vague. "Allocate funds for" is more precise and formal, suitable for an academic essay.

6. "incentivizing products with high nutritional value" -> "promoting products with high nutritional value"
   Explanation: "Incentivizing" is not typically used in this context; "promoting" is the correct term for encouraging or supporting products or ideas.

7. "creating more open spaces for all residents to do exercise" -> "creating more public spaces for all residents to engage in physical activity"
   Explanation: "Do exercise" is informal and imprecise. "Engage in physical activity" is more formal and specific, suitable for an academic context.

8. "bacterias" -> "bacteria"
   Explanation: "Bacterias" is a grammatical error; the correct plural form is "bacteria."

9. "reduced optimally" -> "significantly reduced"
   Explanation: "Reduced optimally" is awkward and unclear. "Significantly reduced" is a more natural and precise way to describe the extent of the reduction.

10. "increased belief towards the national leaders" -> "enhanced public trust in national leaders"
    Explanation: "Increased belief" is vague and informal. "Enhanced public trust" is a more precise and formal expression suitable for academic writing.

11. "strong investment in this sector" -> "substantial investment in this sector"
    Explanation: "Strong" is too vague and informal for this context. "Substantial" provides a clearer and more formal description of the magnitude of investment.

12. "chaotic society" -> "societal chaos"
    Explanation: "Chaotic society" is less formal and slightly awkward. "Societal chaos" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase.

13. "neglect the treatment of sick individuals" -> "overlook the treatment of sick individuals"
    Explanation: "Neglect" implies intentional disregard, which may not be the intended meaning. "Overlook" suggests unintentional or unintentionally ignoring, which is more appropriate in this context.

14. "distributed fairly for all residents" -> "distributed equitably among all residents"
    Explanation: "Distributed fairly" is somewhat vague and informal. "Distributed equitably" is a more precise and formal term that conveys fairness and justice in distribution.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the allocation of public funds for promoting a healthy lifestyle versus treating the sick. The writer expresses a partial disagreement, indicating that both aspects are important. However, the response could be more explicit in stating the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The introduction mentions "partly disagree," but the essay could benefit from a clearer articulation of this position throughout.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, providing a more nuanced discussion of the extent of agreement or disagreement would strengthen the response. For example, the writer could quantify their stance by stating, "I agree that promoting a healthy lifestyle is important, but I believe that treatment should not be neglected."

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges the importance of both preventive measures and treatment. However, the clarity of the position could be improved. The phrase "I partly disagree" suggests a middle ground, but the essay does not consistently reinforce this throughout. For instance, the conclusion states that public money should be distributed fairly, which could confuse readers about the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently link back to their main argument throughout the essay. Using phrases like "While I support investment in preventive measures, I believe that treatment is equally vital" can help clarify the position. Additionally, summarizing the main argument in each paragraph can reinforce the writer’s stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of promoting a healthy lifestyle and the importance of medical treatment. The examples provided, such as Australia’s food categorization system, effectively support the argument for preventive measures. However, the discussion on treatment could benefit from more specific examples or data to strengthen the argument. The mention of potential social unrest due to inadequate healthcare is a strong point but could be further developed with examples or statistics.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more specific examples and elaborate on the implications of their arguments. For instance, discussing specific healthcare programs that have successfully reduced crime rates or improved public trust could provide a stronger foundation for the argument in favor of treatment.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s focus on the allocation of public funds. However, some sections, particularly the discussion on social unrest, could be seen as slightly tangential. While it is relevant to the argument for treatment, it may distract from the main focus of the essay, which is the allocation of funds.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the question of funding allocation. It may be helpful to frame each argument in the context of how it impacts the allocation of public funds. For example, instead of discussing social unrest broadly, the writer could tie it back to the consequences of underfunding healthcare specifically.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could achieve a higher band score by demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the task and presenting a more cohesive argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets up the debate, while each body paragraph focuses on a distinct viewpoint—one advocating for preventive measures and the other for treatment. However, the logical progression of ideas within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of promoting a healthy lifestyle to the importance of medical treatment could be more fluid. The use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" helps delineate contrasting views but could benefit from clearer linking sentences that summarize the previous point before introducing the next.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that summarize the previous point and introduce the next one more explicitly. For example, after discussing the benefits of promoting a healthy lifestyle, a sentence like "Conversely, while prevention is crucial, addressing the needs of those already suffering from illness is equally important" could provide a smoother transition.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a clear paragraph structure, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the benefits of promoting a healthy lifestyle, while the second focuses on the necessity of medical treatment. However, the conclusion could be more effectively structured to not only summarize the main points but also to reinforce the writer’s stance. The current conclusion reiterates the argument but lacks a strong closing statement that ties back to the essay prompt.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, the conclusion should not only summarize but also provide a definitive statement that reflects the writer’s position. For example, instead of simply stating that public money should be distributed fairly, a more impactful conclusion could emphasize the importance of a balanced approach to public health funding.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "for instance," "moreover," and "in conclusion," which help connect ideas and provide clarity. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For example, the phrase "one of these is" appears in the first body paragraph, and similar structures are used throughout the essay, which can detract from the overall sophistication of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "one of these is," you could use alternatives such as "another significant factor is" or "in addition to this." Additionally, varying sentence structures can enhance cohesion; for example, using relative clauses or participial phrases can create more complex and engaging sentences.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on improving transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "allocate," "fostering," "deter," and "incentivizing" showcasing an attempt to use varied language. However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks sophistication. For example, the phrase "spend public money" is used multiple times, which could be varied with synonyms like "invest" or "allocate funds."
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "spend," consider using "allocate," "disburse," or "invest." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to public health and economics could elevate the essay’s lexical resource.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "awareness campaigns" and "nutritional value," which effectively convey the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "bacterias," which should be "bacteria" as it is an uncountable noun in this context. Additionally, the phrase "living environment, with bacterias and germs reduced optimally" could be more clearly articulated; "optimally" feels somewhat vague and could be replaced with a more precise term.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that they are using terms correctly and in the appropriate context. Reviewing grammar rules regarding countable and uncountable nouns would help, as would seeking feedback on word choice to ensure clarity. Using a thesaurus to find precise alternatives can also be beneficial.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with most words correctly spelled. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "bacterias" (should be "bacteria") and "intrusion" (should be "intrusion" instead of "house intrusion" for clarity). These errors, while not numerous, can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, perhaps reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also aid in improving spelling skills. Additionally, practicing writing regularly can help reinforce correct spelling through repetition.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of vocabulary and attempts to engage with the topic, there is room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound sentences. For instance, the use of "In order to encourage people to live healthy, the authority can expend money on launching awareness campaigns…" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys the idea. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as "One of these is…" and "On the other hand," which could be varied for better flow and engagement. Additionally, some sentences could benefit from more sophisticated structures to enhance the overall complexity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using a mix of introductory phrases, varying the placement of clauses, and incorporating more conditional sentences. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "One of these is," try rephrasing to "A significant reason for this is…" or "Another compelling argument is…". This will create a more engaging and varied writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "to deter illness" is slightly awkward; "to prevent illness" would be more appropriate. Additionally, the sentence "This, in turn, creates a more desirable living environment, with bacterias and germs reduced optimally…" contains a grammatical error; "bacterias" should be "bacteria," as it is an uncountable noun in this context. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are a few instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "which may lead to a chaotic society" in the conclusion.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is advisable to review common grammatical rules, particularly regarding noun forms and subject-verb agreement. Additionally, practicing punctuation usage, especially with complex sentences, can help clarify meaning. Reading more academic texts can also provide insight into proper grammatical structures and punctuation usage. Consider revising sentences for clarity and correctness, such as changing "bacterias" to "bacteria" and ensuring that commas are used effectively to separate clauses.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that the public budget should be allocated to promoting a healthy lifestyle to prevent illness, rather than spending on the treatment of patients who are already ill. Personally, I partly disagree with this viewpoint based on several key reasons.

On the one hand, there are many reasons why the government should invest in promoting a healthy lifestyle, rather than solely focusing on assisting patients with medical conditions. One of these reasons is addressing the root causes of health issues. To encourage people to live healthily, authorities can allocate funds for launching awareness campaigns about the consequences of poor sanitation or the overconsumption of fast food, incentivizing products with high nutritional value, or creating more public spaces for all residents to engage in physical activity. For instance, in Australia, food is carefully examined regarding its quality, and the nutritional values of products are categorized from one to five stars, helping buyers make more informed decisions when purchasing food. This, in turn, creates a more desirable living environment, with bacteria and germs significantly reduced, leading to fewer diseases and illnesses.

On the other hand, it is paramount for the government to spend on medical treatment. One advantage of this practice is enhanced public trust in national leaders. By investing in healthcare, residents would feel the care and attention from their country, regardless of their socio-economic background. This provides them with more motivation and strength to overcome their circumstances. Moreover, substantial investment in this sector can lead to a more manageable society for the authorities. Without adequate financial support, those from lower economic backgrounds may resort to illegal acts to earn money to pay for their bills. This could include theft, house intrusion, or armed robbery; in extreme cases, protests may even arise, resulting in societal chaos.

In conclusion, while allocating money to promote a healthy lifestyle among citizens can address underlying issues, I partially disagree that the government should overlook the treatment of sick individuals, as this may lead to a chaotic society and reduced trust in the authorities. On balance, I contend that public money should be distributed equitably among all residents, regardless of their medical conditions.