It is not necessary to travel to other places to learn the culture of other people. We can learn just as much from books, films and the internet. Agree, disagree?

It is not necessary to travel to other places to learn the
culture of other people. We can learn just as much from books, films and the
internet. Agree, disagree?

In this day and age, due to the burgeoning demand of experiencing new cultures and customs, a disposition emerges, suggesting that instead of traveling to the destinations to deep into the culture of others, we learn them through books, movies and the internet. This essay will shed light on why I wholeheartedly side with the given perspective.
To begin with, going to these destinations broaden our horizons about many aspects around the world. Setting foot in, say, the Temple of Literature in Vietnam in which has kept a huge number of architects, documents about historical events, foreigners might deeply dig into indigenous cultures and processes of various wars invaded by China, America and France by touching, observing them by bare eye, or engaging in traditional games that might not be found on the internet, books or films. Consequently, they might not only expand their intimate knowledge of history and culture in Vietnam but also foster their travelling experience by which is not be found by staying at home and just researching some long passages of films or movies through the screen of the electrical devices.
Furthermore, going to those destinations and more dive into cultures helps travelers approach to real resources. This is predicated by consumption that because of the ground of misinformation on the internet or even in some films and books due to unstrict censorship of authorities, an increasing number of people has been exposed to fake news, severely impacted to their mindset. According to this theory, when reaching new destinations to find out new cultures, customs and traditions, they are likely to get access to authentical resources and practical experience. This is because government always censor strictly and well maintain history values displayed in museums and exhibitions located in local countries to attract tourists so that they might learn more about such things in these places.
In conclusion, I believe that in lieu of learning cultures and traditions through movies, books and internet, learners might go directly to things’ places and discover new cultures and traditions because it not only helps you to gain in-depth knowledge but also expose you to authentical documents.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "In this day and age" is a somewhat clichéd and informal phrase. "Currently" is more concise and maintains an academic tone.

2. "burgeoning demand of experiencing" -> "growing demand to experience"
   Explanation: "Burgeoning" is somewhat informal and less precise in this context. "Growing" is more straightforward and appropriate for academic writing.

3. "deep into the culture of others" -> "deeply into the cultures of others"
   Explanation: The phrase "deep into" is informal and imprecise. "Deeply into" is more formal and grammatically correct.

4. "This essay will shed light on" -> "This essay will explore"
   Explanation: "Shed light on" is a metaphorical expression that may seem too casual for academic writing. "Explore" is a more direct and formal term.

5. "wholeheartedly side with" -> "strongly support"
   Explanation: "Wholeheartedly side with" is an idiomatic expression that may not be suitable for formal academic writing. "Strongly support" is clearer and more formal.

6. "going to these destinations broaden our horizons" -> "visiting these destinations broadens our horizons"
   Explanation: "Going to" is informal and vague; "visiting" is more precise and formal. Also, "broadens" should be in the singular form to agree with the singular subject "destinations."

7. "Setting foot in, say, the Temple of Literature in Vietnam in which has kept" -> "Visiting, for example, the Temple of Literature in Vietnam, which has kept"
   Explanation: "Setting foot in" is informal and less precise. "Visiting" is more formal and appropriate. Also, the comma after "example" is necessary for clarity and grammatical correctness.

8. "by touching, observing them by bare eye" -> "by touching and observing them with their own eyes"
   Explanation: "By bare eye" is incorrect and informal. "With their own eyes" is the correct phrase and maintains a formal tone.

9. "by which is not be found" -> "which cannot be found"
   Explanation: "By which is not be found" is grammatically incorrect. "Which cannot be found" corrects the grammar and enhances clarity.

10. "more dive into cultures" -> "more deeply into cultures"
    Explanation: "Dive into" is an idiomatic expression that may be too informal for academic writing. "More deeply into" is more precise and formal.

11. "approach to real resources" -> "access to authentic resources"
    Explanation: "Approach to" is vague and less formal. "Access to" is more specific and appropriate for academic writing, and "authentic" is preferred over "real" for describing resources.

12. "due to unstrict censorship of authorities" -> "due to the lack of strict censorship by authorities"
    Explanation: "Unstrict" is not a word; "lack of strict" corrects this error and clarifies the meaning.

13. "severely impacted to their mindset" -> "severely impacted their mindset"
    Explanation: "Impacted to" is grammatically incorrect. "Impacted their" corrects the error and maintains the formal tone.

14. "authentical documents" -> "authentic documents"
    Explanation: "Authentical" is not a word; "authentic" is the correct term.

15. "things’ places" -> "these places"
    Explanation: "Things’ places" is awkward and unclear. "These places" is straightforward and maintains the intended meaning.

16. "discover new cultures and traditions" -> "explore new cultures and traditions"
    Explanation: "Discover" can imply a more casual or accidental finding, whereas "explore" suggests a more intentional and academic approach, which is more suitable for the context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by taking a clear stance against the idea that one can learn about cultures solely through books, films, and the internet. The author argues in favor of traveling to experience cultures firsthand. However, the essay could have more explicitly acknowledged the opposing viewpoint, which would provide a more balanced response to the prompt. For instance, while the author mentions the benefits of travel, they do not adequately discuss the merits of learning through other mediums, which could have strengthened their argument.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should briefly acknowledge the opposing viewpoint and then refute it. This could be done by presenting a counterargument about the effectiveness of books and films in cultural education before reinforcing the importance of direct experience.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that supports the idea of traveling to learn about cultures. The introduction states the author’s agreement with the prompt, and the conclusion reiterates this stance. However, the position could be clearer if the author consistently linked back to their main argument throughout the body paragraphs. Some sentences are convoluted and could lead to confusion about the main point being made.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the author should ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly states the main point of that paragraph. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help reinforce the connection between ideas and maintain a consistent position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the importance of travel for cultural understanding, such as firsthand experiences and access to authentic resources. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat lacking. For example, while the author mentions misinformation on the internet, they do not provide specific examples or evidence to substantiate this claim, which weakens the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve, the author should provide concrete examples or data to support their claims. This could include statistics about misinformation or personal anecdotes about cultural experiences gained through travel. Additionally, elaborating on how these experiences differ from learning through books or films would strengthen the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of traveling to learn about cultures. However, there are moments where the language becomes overly complex or strays into tangential ideas, such as the discussion of censorship and misinformation, which could distract from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central argument. Simplifying complex sentences and avoiding unnecessary jargon can help keep the essay clear and on topic. Regularly revisiting the prompt throughout the essay can also help maintain relevance.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it can be improved by addressing the opposing viewpoint, enhancing clarity and support for ideas, and maintaining a tighter focus on the main argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, arguing in favor of traveling to learn about cultures. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the argument, and the two main body paragraphs each focus on distinct reasons supporting this viewpoint. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of firsthand experiences to the issue of misinformation is somewhat abrupt. The connection between these ideas could be more explicitly articulated to enhance the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the thesis statement. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the first body paragraph is somewhat lengthy and could benefit from being split into two distinct paragraphs. The first could focus on the benefits of direct cultural experiences, while the second could address the issue of misinformation and the importance of authentic resources.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant examples. This can be achieved by breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more digestible parts and ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "to begin with," "consequently," and "furthermore." However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is either repetitive or lacks variety. For example, the phrase "going to these destinations" appears multiple times, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases to avoid repetition. Additionally, using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as "for instance," "on the other hand," or "in contrast," can enhance the essay’s coherence and make the argument more engaging.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices can elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "burgeoning demand," "intimate knowledge," and "authentical resources." These terms showcase an ability to express complex ideas. However, there are instances where vocabulary choices could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the phrase "deep into the culture of others" could be replaced with "immerse oneself in the culture of others" for greater impact.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "learn" and "culture," explore alternatives like "acquire knowledge" or "cultural practices." Regular reading of diverse materials can also help in discovering new vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are notable instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "by which is not be found by staying at home" is awkward and unclear. Additionally, "authentical resources" is grammatically incorrect; the correct term is "authentic resources." Such inaccuracies can detract from the overall clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: Focus on clarity and grammatical accuracy in vocabulary usage. Proofreading for grammatical correctness and ensuring that terms are used in their proper context will enhance precision. For example, rephrasing "by which is not be found" to "which cannot be found" would improve clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays a good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, the term "authentical" is incorrectly spelled and should be "authentic." Additionally, "electrical devices" is somewhat misleading; "electronic devices" would be the correct term in this context.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy that involves reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words and practicing them can also be beneficial. Keeping a personal list of frequently encountered spelling errors can help in avoiding them in future writings.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in precision and spelling that, if addressed, could elevate the lexical resource score further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the phrase "due to the burgeoning demand of experiencing new cultures and customs" shows an attempt at complexity. However, many sentences are overly long and convoluted, which can obscure meaning. For instance, "Setting foot in, say, the Temple of Literature in Vietnam in which has kept a huge number of architects, documents about historical events…" is awkwardly constructed and could be simplified for clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences more effectively. Breaking down long sentences into shorter, clearer ones can help maintain reader engagement and improve comprehension. Additionally, incorporating varied sentence beginnings and structures (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases or using inversion) can add interest.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "by which is not be found by staying at home" contains a grammatical error; it should read "which cannot be found by staying at home." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion. The phrase "an increasing number of people has been exposed to fake news, severely impacted to their mindset" is also grammatically incorrect; it should be "severely impacting their mindset."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly concerning verb forms and sentence construction. Practicing sentence diagramming can help clarify complex sentences. Furthermore, focusing on punctuation, especially the use of commas in compound and complex sentences, will enhance readability. It may be beneficial to read the essay aloud to identify awkward phrasing and grammatical errors more easily.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, addressing these specific areas of grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, due to the growing demand to experience new cultures and customs, a perspective has emerged suggesting that instead of traveling to destinations to delve into the cultures of others, we can learn about them through books, films, and the internet. This essay will explore why I strongly support the idea that traveling is essential for cultural understanding.

To begin with, visiting these destinations broadens our horizons regarding many aspects of the world. Setting foot in, for example, the Temple of Literature in Vietnam, which has preserved a wealth of architectural wonders and documents about historical events, allows visitors to deeply engage with indigenous cultures and the processes of various wars involving China, America, and France. By touching and observing these elements with their own eyes or participating in traditional games that cannot be found online, travelers can significantly enhance their understanding of Vietnam’s history and culture. This experience fosters a richer travel experience, which cannot be replicated by simply staying at home and researching through screens.

Furthermore, visiting these destinations and exploring new cultures provides travelers with access to authentic resources. This is crucial because misinformation often circulates on the internet and even in some films and books, largely due to the lack of strict censorship by authorities. An increasing number of people are exposed to fake news, which can severely impact their mindset. In contrast, when individuals travel to new places to discover different cultures, customs, and traditions, they are more likely to encounter authentic resources and gain practical experience. Governments typically maintain strict oversight of historical values displayed in museums and exhibitions to attract tourists, ensuring that visitors learn more about these aspects in person.

In conclusion, I believe that instead of learning about cultures and traditions solely through movies, books, and the internet, individuals should visit these places directly. This approach not only helps them gain in-depth knowledge but also exposes them to authentic documents and experiences.