It is often said that governments spend too much money to protect wildlife, while there are other problems that are more important. Do you agree or disagree?

It is often said that governments spend too much money to protect wildlife, while there are other problems that are more important.
Do you agree or disagree?

It is true that in recent years, governments have spent a lot of time and money on wildlife conservation. While spending on wildlife conservation is sometimes important, I believe that these resources should be allocated to more pressing concerns such as health care, poverty, natural disasters, etc.
On the one hand, financial support for wildlife conservation is essential to maintain species diversity. Indeed, the number of species becoming extinct or listed as endangered is increasing rapidly. This is also one of the causes of ecological imbalance, and threatens the existence of human society. Furthermore, wildlife tourism in zoos or national parks contributes significantly to the economy, especially in developing countries, highlighting the economic benefits of investing in conservation.
While wildlife conservation has many positive aspects, I believe that more important issues need immediate attention, especially when faced with pressing issues such as poverty, education and healthcare. These challenges directly affect human well-being and can have profound impacts on communities. According to UNESCO statistics in 2020, there are more than 10 million children and adolescents who are not in school and thousands are still starving in Africa.
Overall, although wildlife conservation is important, governments should reconsider and allocate resources appropriately to address other pressing issues.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is true that" -> "It is evident that"
   Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and assertive opening phrase, enhancing the academic tone of the essay by implying a clear, established fact rather than a subjective opinion.

2. "spent a lot of time and money" -> "devoted considerable time and resources"
   Explanation: "Devoted considerable time and resources" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquialism of "a lot of" and aligning better with academic language standards.

3. "sometimes important" -> "occasionally crucial"
   Explanation: "Occasionally crucial" emphasizes the significance of the issue more strongly and uses a more formal vocabulary suitable for academic writing.

4. "natural disasters, etc." -> "natural disasters, among others"
   Explanation: "Among others" is a more precise and formal way to indicate that the list is not exhaustive, avoiding the informal and vague "etc."

5. "financial support for wildlife conservation is essential" -> "financial support for wildlife conservation is imperative"
   Explanation: "Imperative" conveys a stronger sense of necessity and urgency, which is more suitable for formal academic discourse.

6. "the number of species becoming extinct or listed as endangered is increasing rapidly" -> "the rate of species extinction and the number of endangered species are escalating rapidly"
   Explanation: This revision clarifies the two separate aspects of species decline, enhancing precision and clarity in the description of the issue.

7. "This is also one of the causes of ecological imbalance" -> "This contributes to ecological imbalance"
   Explanation: "Contributes to" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "is one of the causes of," which can be seen as overly simplistic and vague.

8. "wildlife tourism in zoos or national parks contributes significantly to the economy" -> "wildlife tourism in zoos and national parks significantly contributes to the economy"
   Explanation: Reordering the phrase improves the flow and clarity of the sentence, aligning with formal writing standards by placing the verb after the subject.

9. "especially in developing countries" -> "particularly in developing nations"
   Explanation: "Developing nations" is a more formal and precise term than "developing countries," which is commonly used in academic and formal contexts.

10. "more important issues need immediate attention" -> "more pressing issues require immediate attention"
    Explanation: "Pressing issues" is a more formal and precise term than "important issues," and "require" is a more formal verb choice than "need," fitting better in academic writing.

11. "can have profound impacts" -> "can have profound effects"
    Explanation: "Effects" is a more precise term in this context, referring specifically to the consequences of actions or events, which is more suitable for academic writing.

12. "According to UNESCO statistics in 2020" -> "According to UNESCO data from 2020"
    Explanation: "Data" is a more formal and precise term than "statistics," and "from" is more appropriate than "in" when referring to a specific year.

13. "thousands are still starving" -> "thousands remain malnourished"
    Explanation: "Malnourished" is a more precise and formal term than "starving," which can be seen as overly dramatic and less appropriate for academic writing.

14. "although wildlife conservation is important" -> "although wildlife conservation is crucial"
    Explanation: "Crucial" emphasizes the significance more strongly and is more suitable for formal academic discourse than "important."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging the importance of wildlife conservation while arguing that resources should be redirected to more pressing issues. However, the response is somewhat vague and lacks depth in discussing the reasons behind the viewpoint. The essay states that wildlife conservation is important but does not fully explore the implications of this importance or how it compares to the other issues mentioned. The argument could benefit from more specific examples or a clearer delineation of the priorities.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should explicitly outline the reasons for prioritizing other issues over wildlife conservation. Including specific examples of how funding for health care or education could lead to significant improvements in society would strengthen the argument. Additionally, discussing potential consequences of neglecting wildlife conservation could provide a more balanced view.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that resources should be allocated to more pressing issues, but this position is somewhat undermined by the initial acknowledgment of the importance of wildlife conservation. The transition between acknowledging the importance of wildlife and arguing against its funding could be smoother. The conclusion reiterates the main point but does not reinforce the position strongly enough.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly supports the main argument. Using transitional phrases to connect the importance of wildlife conservation to the need for prioritizing other issues could help clarify the stance. A more assertive conclusion that firmly reiterates the position would also enhance clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding wildlife conservation and its economic benefits, but these ideas are not fully developed or supported. For instance, while the mention of wildlife tourism is relevant, it lacks detailed examples or statistics that could strengthen the argument. The discussion of pressing issues like poverty and education is also brief and could benefit from further elaboration.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples, data, or anecdotes. For instance, discussing how investment in education could lead to long-term societal benefits would provide a stronger foundation for the argument. Each point should be extended with clear reasoning and evidence.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt about government spending on wildlife versus other issues. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly when discussing the economic benefits of wildlife tourism without clearly linking it back to the main argument. This can create a sense of disconnection in the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central argument of prioritizing other issues over wildlife conservation. Avoiding tangential discussions and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall thesis will help keep the essay cohesive and relevant.

In summary, to improve the essay’s band score, the writer should focus on deepening the analysis of the prompt, maintaining a clear position throughout, elaborating on ideas with specific examples, and ensuring that all content remains directly relevant to the topic. Additionally, addressing the word count issue by expanding on these points will also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the prioritization of wildlife conservation over more pressing societal issues. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to first present the benefits of wildlife conservation before transitioning to the argument for reallocating resources. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing wildlife conservation to addressing poverty and healthcare feels somewhat abrupt, which can disrupt the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the two ideas. For example, after discussing the benefits of wildlife conservation, a sentence like "However, despite these benefits, there are more immediate concerns that require urgent attention" would create a clearer link between the paragraphs.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the importance of wildlife conservation, while the second addresses the more pressing issues. However, the second paragraph could be further divided to separate the discussion of poverty, education, and healthcare, which would allow for a more focused exploration of each issue.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider creating a separate paragraph for each major issue (e.g., one for poverty, one for education, and one for healthcare). This would allow for a more detailed examination of each concern and enhance the overall clarity of the argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "while," to contrast ideas effectively. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the use of "furthermore" and "indeed" is effective, but the essay could benefit from additional devices like "in addition," "moreover," or "consequently" to enhance the flow between ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, actively incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases throughout the essay. For instance, when introducing the second argument, phrases like "Moreover, it is crucial to consider…" or "In addition to wildlife conservation, we must also address…" would create a more cohesive narrative and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising its band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "wildlife conservation," "species diversity," and "ecological imbalance." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "pressing issues" and "important." This limits the overall lexical variety and sophistication.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "important," alternatives such as "crucial," "vital," or "paramount" could be employed. Additionally, using more varied expressions to describe the economic benefits or the impacts of wildlife conservation would enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "spending on wildlife conservation is sometimes important" could be more assertively stated to reflect the writer’s position. The use of "financial support" is appropriate, but the phrase "a lot of time and money" is vague and could be more specific.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to articulate their arguments more clearly. Instead of "sometimes important," they could say "is crucial for maintaining biodiversity." Additionally, replacing vague phrases with specific figures or examples would enhance clarity. For instance, stating "governments allocate billions annually to wildlife conservation" would provide a clearer picture of the financial commitment.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors. Words like "conservation," "extinct," and "statistics" are spelled correctly, reflecting a good command of basic vocabulary.
  • How to improve: To maintain and improve spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spelling check tools or practicing with vocabulary lists can also be beneficial. Engaging in regular reading can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs adequate vocabulary, improvements can be made in expanding lexical range, enhancing precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, using more precise language, and continuing to focus on spelling, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "While spending on wildlife conservation is sometimes important, I believe that these resources should be allocated to more pressing concerns…" showcases an ability to convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the essay employs conditional structures and relative clauses effectively, e.g., "which contributes significantly to the economy." However, there is a tendency to rely on similar sentence patterns, particularly in the second paragraph, where several sentences begin with "This is" or "Furthermore," which can create a monotonous rhythm.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This is" or "Furthermore," try using phrases like "Moreover," "In addition," or "On the contrary," to introduce new ideas. Additionally, varying the length and complexity of sentences can create a more engaging flow. For example, combining shorter sentences into more complex ones or breaking up overly long sentences can enhance readability and interest.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "the number of species becoming extinct or listed as endangered is increasing rapidly" is grammatically correct and clearly conveys the intended meaning. However, there are instances of punctuation that could be improved, such as the use of commas. In the sentence "According to UNESCO statistics in 2020, there are more than 10 million children and adolescents who are not in school and thousands are still starving in Africa," a comma before "and" would clarify that two separate ideas are being presented.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. Reviewing the rules for comma placement can help clarify meaning and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, consider proofreading for subject-verb agreement and tense consistency, as these are common areas where errors can occur. Practicing writing exercises that focus on these aspects can further enhance grammatical precision.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that in recent years, governments have devoted considerable time and resources to wildlife conservation. While spending on wildlife protection is occasionally crucial, I believe that these resources should be allocated to more pressing concerns such as healthcare, poverty, and natural disasters, among others.

On the one hand, financial support for wildlife conservation is imperative to maintain species diversity. Indeed, the rate of species extinction and the number of endangered species are escalating rapidly. This contributes to ecological imbalance and threatens the existence of human society. Furthermore, wildlife tourism in zoos and national parks significantly contributes to the economy, particularly in developing nations, highlighting the economic benefits of investing in conservation.

While wildlife conservation has many positive aspects, I believe that more important issues require immediate attention, especially when faced with challenges such as poverty, education, and healthcare. These issues directly affect human well-being and can have profound effects on communities. According to UNESCO data from 2020, there are more than 10 million children and adolescents who are not in school, and thousands remain malnourished in Africa.

Overall, although wildlife conservation is crucial, governments should reconsider and allocate resources appropriately to address other pressing issues.