It is suggested that all young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work, helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the young people?

There are some suggestions that young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. This could give young adults some drawback about less time to do work they like and can’t earn money to live, yet the benefits are much larger, they can have more experiences for their works in the future and know more knowledge for their life. The advantages of un-work helping people in the community is they can learn have more experience for their life works in the future. This means when the young adults to work work helping people in the community can learn a lot of things to about life, it can help for them to dispose their works in the future. For example, some people study at university, they always study and work in a company without income which was helped them have more experience and easy to have a good job. In conclusion, working help people in the community without income have can give young adults a lot of benefits, so I think some young adults should do this to have more opportunity.

Although, it have some drawback about earning money, or not. In other words, young adults can’t earn enough and they need to live with their parents, can do the things they like, live with the things they like and easy to conflict with their parents because the generation gap. For instance, there are some people become young adults who have families because they have to do things that earn like and can do the things they like to sum up, working help people without salary can have some benefits, but they also have so much drawback can make the change their life, can cause some disease, so I think they need to see it again before make it.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There are some suggestions that" -> "It is suggested that"
Explanation: "It is suggested that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a suggestion or proposal, aligning better with academic style.
"young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work" -> "young adults should be mandated to engage in a period of unpaid community service"
Explanation: "Mandated to engage in" is more formal and specific than "required to undertake," and "community service" is a more precise term than "work helping people in the community."
"some drawback about less time to do work they like" -> "some drawbacks, including reduced time for pursuing their preferred activities"
Explanation: "Drawbacks, including" is more formal and specific than "some drawback about," and "pursuing their preferred activities" is more precise than "do work they like."
"can’t earn money to live" -> "are unable to earn a living"
Explanation: "Are unable to earn a living" is a more formal and succinct way to express the inability to earn sufficient income.
"they can have more experiences for their works in the future" -> "they can gain more experience for future endeavors"
Explanation: "Gain more experience for future endeavors" is more formal and avoids the redundancy of "for their works in the future."
"know more knowledge for their life" -> "acquire more knowledge for their lives"
Explanation: "Acquire more knowledge" is more formal and academically appropriate than "know more knowledge," and "lives" is the correct plural form.
"The advantages of un-work helping people in the community is they can learn have more experience" -> "The advantages of community service are that individuals can gain more experience"
Explanation: "Community service" is a more specific term than "un-work helping people in the community," and "gain more experience" is grammatically correct and formal.
"This means when the young adults to work work helping people in the community can learn a lot of things to about life" -> "This means that young adults engaging in community service can learn numerous aspects of life"
Explanation: "Engaging in community service" is more precise than "to work work helping people in the community," and "numerous aspects of life" is more formal and clear than "a lot of things to about life."
"it can help for them to dispose their works in the future" -> "it can aid them in preparing for future endeavors"
Explanation: "Aid them in preparing for future endeavors" is more formal and avoids the awkward phrasing of "dispose their works."
"they always study and work in a company without income" -> "they consistently study and work in companies without compensation"
Explanation: "Consistently" is more formal than "always," and "without compensation" is a more precise term than "without income."
"can’t earn enough and they need to live with their parents" -> "are unable to earn sufficient income and may require financial support from their parents"
Explanation: "Are unable to earn sufficient income" is more formal and specific than "can’t earn enough," and "may require financial support" is more precise than "need to live with."
"can do the things they like, live with the things they like" -> "can pursue their interests and live according to their preferences"
Explanation: "Pursue their interests and live according to their preferences" is more formal and avoids the awkward repetition of "like."
"easy to conflict with their parents" -> "may lead to conflicts with their parents"
Explanation: "May lead to conflicts" is more formal and less casual than "easy to conflict."
"become young adults who have families" -> "become young adults with families"
Explanation: "With families" is grammatically correct and more formal than "who have families."
"earn like and can do the things they like to sum up" -> "earn a living and pursue their interests in summary"
Explanation: "Earn a living and pursue their interests" is more formal and avoids the awkward phrasing of "earn like and can do the things they like to sum up."
"working help people in the community without salary can have some drawbacks" -> "community service without compensation may have some drawbacks"
Explanation: "Community service without compensation" is more formal and precise than "working help people in the community without salary."
"can cause some disease" -> "can lead to health issues"
Explanation: "Can lead to health issues" is a more precise and medically appropriate term than "can cause some disease."

These changes enhance the formal tone and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the benefits and drawbacks of young adults undertaking unpaid work in the community. However, the treatment of these aspects is uneven. The benefits are mentioned, such as gaining experience and knowledge, but the drawbacks are less clearly articulated. For instance, while the essay states that young adults may struggle financially, it does not provide a thorough exploration of how this impacts their lives or the implications of not earning money. The argument lacks depth and fails to fully engage with the complexity of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both benefits and drawbacks are discussed in a balanced manner. Providing specific examples and elaborating on how these factors affect young adults’ lives would strengthen the argument. Additionally, structuring the essay to clearly delineate between benefits and drawbacks would improve clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that favors unpaid work for young adults, suggesting that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. However, this position is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. The introduction hints at drawbacks but does not clearly state the writer’s stance until the conclusion. This inconsistency can confuse the reader regarding the writer’s true opinion.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader and maintain focus on the main argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat vague and lack sufficient development. For example, the claim that unpaid work provides "more experiences" is repeated without further elaboration or specific examples. The supporting details provided are not fully fleshed out, making it difficult for the reader to grasp the significance of the points being made.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to present each idea clearly and then extend it with relevant examples or explanations. For instance, instead of simply stating that unpaid work provides experience, the writer could discuss specific skills or insights gained from such experiences. Including statistics or anecdotal evidence could also enhance the persuasiveness of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally remains focused on the topic of unpaid work, there are moments where the argument strays. For example, the mention of "conflict with their parents because of the generation gap" feels somewhat tangential and does not directly relate to the core discussion of unpaid work’s benefits and drawbacks. This deviation can distract from the main argument and weaken the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the question prompt. It may be helpful to outline the main ideas before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the central argument. If a point does not directly support the thesis, it may be best to omit it or reframe it to better align with the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a basic structure but lacks a clear logical progression of ideas. The introduction mentions both benefits and drawbacks but does not clearly delineate them. For example, the transition from discussing benefits to drawbacks is abrupt and lacks a cohesive link. The points made about experience and knowledge are somewhat repetitive and do not build on each other effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should clearly outline the main points in the introduction, indicating that both benefits and drawbacks will be discussed. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, introduced with a clear topic sentence. Using transitional phrases such as "On the one hand" for benefits and "On the other hand" for drawbacks can help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs but does not effectively separate ideas into distinct sections. For instance, the first paragraph mixes benefits and drawbacks without a clear separation, leading to confusion. The second paragraph starts with a contrasting idea but lacks a clear structure and coherence, making it difficult to follow.
- How to improve: The writer should use clear paragraphing techniques, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. For example, one paragraph could focus solely on the benefits of unpaid work, while another could address the drawbacks. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains supporting details and examples will strengthen the overall structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows limited use of cohesive devices, which affects the flow of ideas. Phrases like "for example" are used, but there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices. The use of conjunctions and linking words is minimal, making transitions between sentences and ideas feel abrupt.
- How to improve: To improve cohesion, the writer should incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices. This includes using linking words such as "however," "furthermore," "in addition," and "consequently" to connect ideas more smoothly. Additionally, using pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can help maintain coherence throughout the essay.

In summary, to raise the band score for coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing information logically, using clear and distinct paragraphs, and employing a variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. Phrases like "unpaid work," "helping people in the community," and "young adults" are repeated without variation. For instance, the term "work" appears multiple times in close succession, which detracts from the overall lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "work," alternatives like "employment," "tasks," or "volunteering" could be employed. Additionally, the writer could explore phrases like "community service" or "social contribution" to diversify language use.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "some drawback about less time to do work they like" is awkward and unclear. The phrase "un-work helping people" is also confusing and does not convey the intended meaning effectively.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects their intended meaning. For instance, instead of "some drawback," a clearer phrase like "one disadvantage" could be used. Additionally, rephrasing "un-work helping people" to "volunteering to assist others" would enhance clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact readability. Words such as "drawback" (used as "drawback") and "dispose" (used incorrectly) are notable examples. The phrase "have can give" is also grammatically incorrect and confusing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing exercises and using spell-check tools. Additionally, reviewing commonly misspelled words and their correct forms can be beneficial. Reading more extensively can also help the writer become familiar with correct spelling in context.

In summary, to elevate the Lexical Resource band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range, using precise language, and improving spelling accuracy. Engaging with a wider array of reading materials and practicing writing with varied vocabulary will contribute significantly to these improvements.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Many sentences are simple and lack complexity, such as "This could give young adults some drawback about less time to do work they like." The use of compound and complex sentences is minimal, which restricts the overall fluency and coherence of the writing. For instance, the phrase "the advantages of un-work helping people in the community is they can learn have more experience for their life works in the future" is convoluted and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice combining simple sentences into more complex ones. For example, instead of saying "young adults can’t earn enough and they need to live with their parents," the writer could use a complex structure: "Although young adults may struggle to earn enough, they often find themselves living with their parents." Additionally, incorporating a variety of conjunctions (e.g., while, although, because) can help create more complex sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that detract from clarity. For example, phrases like "un-work helping people" and "have can give young adults" are grammatically incorrect. The use of articles is inconsistent, as seen in "the advantages of un-work helping people" where "un-work" should be replaced with a clearer term. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas, lead to run-on sentences, making it difficult to follow the writer’s argument.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement (e.g., "it have some drawback" should be "it has some drawbacks"). Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly focusing on verb tenses and article usage, will be beneficial. Additionally, the writer should revise sentences for clarity and ensure proper punctuation is used to separate ideas effectively. Reading more academic texts can also help the writer internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

In summary, while the essay presents some relevant ideas, the limited range of sentence structures and grammatical inaccuracies hinder its effectiveness. Focusing on these areas will help improve the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are some suggestions that young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. This could give young adults some drawbacks, including less time to do work they like and the inability to earn money to live. Yet, the benefits are much larger; they can gain more experience for their future endeavors and acquire more knowledge for their lives. The advantages of community service are that individuals can gain more experience for their future careers. This means that when young adults engage in community service, they can learn numerous aspects of life, which can aid them in preparing for future endeavors. For example, some people study at university, and they consistently study and work in a company without compensation, which helps them gain more experience and makes it easier to secure a good job.

In conclusion, working to help people in the community without compensation can give young adults a lot of benefits, so I think some young adults should do this to have more opportunities.

However, there are some drawbacks regarding earning money. In other words, young adults may be unable to earn sufficient income and may need to live with their parents. They can pursue their interests and live according to their preferences, but this may lead to conflicts with their parents due to the generation gap. For instance, some young adults have families because they need to earn a living, which can prevent them from doing what they enjoy. To sum up, working to help people without a salary can have some benefits, but it also has significant drawbacks that can change their lives and may lead to health issues. Therefore, I think they need to reconsider this before making a decision.