It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
As education has been a vital determinant of society development, the responsibility of education institutes has always been a topic of interest. A school of thought holds that schools should be in charge of teaching students both formal knowledge and good behavior. While this thinking is valid to a certain extent, I believe that doubling responsibility for schools would have an adverse bearing on students
There are many compelling reasons why besides the provision of formal education, schools should educate children on how to behave properly. Firstly, students allocate most of their time at education institutions to acquire new knowledge as well as strengthen bonds with their teachers and peers, whose behaviors are inclined to highly affect them. Therefore, teaching children good behaviors would stand a higher chance of contributing to a learning environment with well-behaved learners. Secondly, given that children are provided with inadequate behavior guidance at home, sparing time at schools is likely to exert a positive influence on their mindset and hence behave more appropriately. This can be hardly attainable if their parents maintain an indifferent attitude to parenting or become occupied with intense work schedules
Despite these aforementioned benefits, I would contend that schools doubling responsibility of teaching not only knowledge but also behaviors can do students a disservice. One major justification is that parents, not teachers, should be responsible for teaching their offspring how to behave properly, which can be attributed to the fact that children were born and brought up by them, increasing the possibility of their obedience. Furthermore, teachers at school have only been educated on how to provide formal education only, which might be challenging for them to teach good behaviors, let alone the additional financial obligation dispensed for behavior education.
In conclusion, while the potential advantages would make it seem like a good idea, I believe that schools should not be in charge of educating both knowledge and behaviors.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"A school of thought holds that schools should be in charge of teaching students both formal knowledge and good behavior." -> "A perspective asserts that educational institutions should be responsible for imparting both formal knowledge and proper behavior to students."
Explanation: Replacing "a school of thought" with "a perspective" adds precision, and using "educational institutions" instead of "schools" contributes to a more formal tone. The phrase "imparting both formal knowledge and proper behavior to students" is more academically precise.
"doubling responsibility for schools" -> "assigning dual responsibilities to schools"
Explanation: The phrase "doubling responsibility for schools" is somewhat informal. "Assigning dual responsibilities to schools" maintains formality and clarity.
"students allocate most of their time at education institutions" -> "students devote the majority of their time to educational institutions"
Explanation: The term "allocate" is less formal. Replacing it with "devote" enhances the academic tone, and "educational institutions" is a more formal expression than "education institutions."
"strengthen bonds with their teachers and peers, whose behaviors are inclined to highly affect them" -> "build relationships with their teachers and peers, whose behaviors are likely to significantly influence them"
Explanation: The phrase "strengthen bonds" is less formal. Replacing it with "build relationships" and using "likely to significantly influence" enhances the academic tone.
"guidance at home" -> "guidance in their homes"
Explanation: "Guidance at home" is slightly informal. Changing it to "guidance in their homes" maintains formality.
"maintain an indifferent attitude to parenting" -> "maintain an indifferent approach to parenting"
Explanation: Replacing "attitude" with "approach" contributes to a more formal tone, and it aligns with the academic style.
"do students a disservice" -> "disadvantage students"
Explanation: The phrase "do students a disservice" is informal. Using "disadvantage students" maintains formality while expressing the same idea.
"One major justification is that parents, not teachers, should be responsible for teaching their offspring how to behave properly, which can be attributed to the fact that children were born and brought up by them, increasing the possibility of their obedience." -> "One significant rationale is that parents, rather than teachers, should bear the responsibility of instructing their offspring on proper behavior. This can be attributed to the fact that children are born and raised by their parents, enhancing the likelihood of their compliance."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality. "Bear the responsibility of instructing" is a more formal expression than "be responsible for teaching."
"teachers at school have only been educated on how to provide formal education only" -> "teachers at school have been trained exclusively in formal education"
Explanation: Eliminating the redundancy by removing one instance of "only" and using "trained exclusively in formal education" for precision.
"let alone the additional financial obligation dispensed for behavior education." -> "not to mention the additional financial burden associated with behavior education."
Explanation: The phrase "let alone" is informal. Replacing it with "not to mention" maintains formality, and "financial burden" is a more precise term than "financial obligation."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay provides a reasonable analysis of the prompt, addressing the idea of whether schools should teach good behavior in addition to formal education. It acknowledges both perspectives but leans towards the opinion that schools should not have the dual responsibility. However, the analysis could be more comprehensive, with a stronger exploration of the opposing view.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, consider exploring the opposing view more thoroughly. Provide specific examples or counterarguments to strengthen your analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that schools should not be responsible for teaching both knowledge and behaviors. The stance is evident throughout the essay, and the reasons supporting this position are reasonably articulated.
- How to improve: To further improve clarity, consider explicitly stating your position in the introduction and conclusion. This can enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, discussing the benefits of teaching good behavior in schools and countering them with the argument that it is the parents’ responsibility. However, the development of ideas could be more nuanced and extended. For instance, the reasons against school responsibility could be further elaborated for a more thorough discussion.
- How to improve: Extend your ideas by providing more examples and elaborating on your points. This will strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but deviates slightly when discussing teachers’ education and financial obligations. While related, these points could be more directly tied to the main argument.
- How to improve: To enhance focus, ensure that every point made is directly connected to the main argument. Avoid introducing tangential ideas that may distract from the central theme.
In conclusion, the essay effectively presents a clear position and discusses relevant points regarding the responsibility of schools in teaching good behavior. To improve, consider a more thorough exploration of opposing views, explicitly stating your position in the introduction and conclusion, extending and supporting your ideas with more details, and maintaining a tighter focus on the main topic throughout the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with an introduction that introduces the topic and presents a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs follow a structured approach, presenting reasons supporting the author’s viewpoint, followed by a well-concluded ending paragraph. However, there is room for improvement in the clarity and specificity of the examples provided to support the arguments.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider providing more specific examples that directly relate to the points being made. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details, and a concluding sentence to strengthen the overall coherence.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas and arguments, contributing to a clear and organized structure. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, maintaining a coherent flow throughout the essay. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and elaboration to strengthen the overall effectiveness.
- How to improve: Aim for a more balanced length and development of paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph thoroughly explores the main idea and provides enough supporting details. Consider using transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases and linking words, to connect ideas and maintain a smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited set of cohesive devices, and some transitions could be more varied for a richer textual experience.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to create a more engaging and varied narrative. Introduce a wider range of transition words and phrases to establish stronger connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure that the use of cohesive devices aligns seamlessly with the logical progression of the essay, contributing to a more cohesive and coherent piece.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the use of specific examples, paragraph development, and cohesive devices could elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use diverse words, but some repetition occurs (e.g., "education" and its derivatives). Additionally, there are instances where more precise and varied vocabulary could enhance the overall lexical richness.
- How to improve: To widen the vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms for frequently used words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "education," explore alternatives like "instruction," "learning," or "scholarship" where appropriate. Also, make an effort to introduce more sophisticated terms related to the essay’s context, such as "pedagogy," "behavioral guidance," or "academic milieu."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While there is an attempt at using precise vocabulary, some instances lack precision. For example, the phrase "whose behaviors are inclined to highly affect them" could be more precisely expressed to convey a clearer meaning.
- How to improve: Focus on precision by carefully selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. In the mentioned instance, consider replacing "are inclined to highly affect" with "strongly influence," resulting in a more accurate expression of the idea. Regularly reviewing and refining your word choices can significantly enhance precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling. However, there are a few instances where minor errors, such as "dispensed" instead of "dispensed," slightly impact spelling accuracy.
- How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to spelling during proofreading to catch and correct minor errors. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processors to aid in identifying and rectifying such issues. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from others to ensure a comprehensive review of spelling accuracy.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are used, with some variation in length. However, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence complexity and diversity. For instance, more complex compound and compound-complex sentences could be incorporated to enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of compound and complex sentences. Experiment with different sentence lengths to create a more dynamic and engaging prose. Introduce transitional phrases to establish better coherence between ideas. For example, instead of relying solely on straightforward sentences, attempt to incorporate sentence structures that involve subordination or coordination.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates reasonably accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement issues and awkward phrasing could be addressed. For example, in the sentence, "doubling responsibility for schools would have an adverse bearing on students," the phrase "adverse bearing" might benefit from clarification for better precision. Additionally, there is an inconsistency in tense usage, such as switching from "students allocate" to "teachers and peers, whose behaviors are inclined."
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency throughout the essay. Review and revise awkward phrasing for clarity. In the case of "adverse bearing," consider rephrasing for clearer expression, such as "negative impact." Maintain consistency in tense usage, either by keeping the narrative in the present or past tense, to avoid confusion. Careful proofreading can help identify and rectify such grammatical and phrasing issues.
In summary, while the essay exhibits a commendable level of grammatical accuracy and structure, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and addressing specific grammar issues. Incorporating more sophisticated sentence constructions and refining grammatical precision will contribute to an even stronger essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
The role of educational institutions in shaping the development of society has long been a subject of interest. One perspective asserts that schools should bear the dual responsibilities of imparting formal knowledge and fostering good behavior in students. While this notion holds merit to some extent, I am inclined to believe that assigning both responsibilities to schools might have adverse effects on students.
There are compelling reasons supporting the idea that schools should educate children on proper behavior alongside providing formal education. Firstly, students devote the majority of their time to educational institutions, where they not only acquire knowledge but also build relationships with their teachers and peers. The behaviors of these individuals can significantly influence students. Therefore, incorporating lessons on good behavior would likely contribute to a learning environment with well-behaved students. Secondly, in cases where children lack sufficient guidance at home regarding proper behavior, schools can play a crucial role in positively influencing their mindset and encouraging more appropriate conduct. This becomes particularly important when parents maintain an indifferent approach to parenting or are occupied with demanding work schedules.
Despite these potential benefits, I would argue that burdening schools with the responsibility of teaching both knowledge and behavior might disadvantage students. One significant rationale is that parents, rather than teachers, should bear the primary responsibility for instructing their offspring on proper behavior. This is rooted in the fact that children are born and raised by their parents, increasing the likelihood of their compliance. Additionally, teachers at school are typically trained exclusively in formal education, and expecting them to also teach good behavior could pose challenges. Not to mention the additional financial burden associated with behavior education, which may further strain the resources of educational institutions.
In conclusion, while the idea of schools shouldering both responsibilities may seem beneficial, I believe that schools should not be solely responsible for educating students on both knowledge and behaviors. It is crucial to maintain a balanced approach that recognizes the unique roles of both schools and parents in shaping the overall development of students.