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It is thought that the Internet has a big influence on people’s behaviour.Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Use specific reasons, explanations and details to support your answer

It is thought that the Internet has a big influence on people’s behaviour.
Do you agree or disagree with the statement?
Use specific reasons, explanations and details to support your answer

Many individuals hold the belief that the Internet has been influential in people’s behavioral actions. Personally, I am in agreement with this statement due to certain reasons.
The primary reason why the Internet has a significant influence on human actions is the tendency to mimic celebrities and well-known people. When people admire someone who is famous and reputable, they would like to repeat the actions of their idols, which helps them feel more confident and pride themselves at having similarities to who they respect. For example, trying to copy who you adore of makes you have a sense of achievement that you are triumphed.
The second reason of this phenomenon is the increasing access to the Internet at present. Specifically, most people have been satisfied the demand of having access to many social media platforms due to the advancements of technology recently, and these often contain a variety of information. However, many people are not in the habit of checking the sites’ reliability and authenticity, so this may result in people placing reliance on what they have been informed. The consequence of this can be seen in a person who puts trust in the misinformation, for instance, encouraging social evils, and after turning into a person with misbehavior.
In conclusion, I am strongly convinced that the Internet has a great impact on people’s behavior. The aspiration to be like a successful person and the widespread accessibility of the Internet are the main reasons of this problems.


 

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Errors and Improvements:

  1. “Many individuals hold the belief” -> “Numerous individuals maintain the belief”
    Explanation: Replacing “Many individuals hold the belief” with “Numerous individuals maintain the belief” employs a more formal and precise language, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
  2. “Personally, I am in agreement with this statement due to certain reasons.” -> “Personally, I concur with this statement for specific reasons.”
    Explanation: The phrase “I am in agreement” can be replaced with the more concise “I concur,” and the addition of “for specific reasons” provides a clearer and more academic explanation.
  3. “The primary reason why the Internet has a significant influence on human actions” -> “The primary factor contributing to the substantial impact of the Internet on human behavior”
    Explanation: The phrase “has a significant influence” can be replaced with “contributing to the substantial impact,” which adds specificity and formality to the statement.
  4. “When people admire someone who is famous and reputable, they would like to repeat the actions of their idols” -> “Individuals tend to emulate the actions of celebrities and well-known figures they admire”
    Explanation: Replacing “they would like to repeat” with “tend to emulate” and restructuring the sentence enhances formality and clarity while maintaining natural language flow.
  5. “which helps them feel more confident and pride themselves at having similarities to who they respect” -> “thus boosting their confidence and fostering a sense of pride in aligning with those they admire”
    Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more sophisticated expression of the idea, avoiding the informal use of “helps them feel” and introducing a more nuanced phrasing.
  6. “trying to copy who you adore of makes you have a sense of achievement that you are triumphed” -> “Efforts to emulate someone you admire contribute to a sense of achievement and personal triumph”
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and formal structure. The suggested alternative rephrases the idea more coherently and in a way that aligns with academic style.
  7. “The second reason of this phenomenon is the increasing access to the Internet at present.” -> “The second contributing factor to this phenomenon is the current surge in Internet accessibility.”
    Explanation: Replacing “reason of this phenomenon” with “contributing factor to this phenomenon” and refining the phrasing improves the precision and formality of the sentence.
  8. “Specifically, most people have been satisfied the demand of having access to many social media platforms due to the advancements of technology recently, and these often contain a variety of information.” -> “Notably, a majority of individuals have met the demand for accessing numerous social media platforms, facilitated by recent technological advancements, which frequently host diverse information.”
    Explanation: The suggested alternative combines and refines the original ideas, making the sentence more concise, clear, and academically appropriate.
  9. “However, many people are not in the habit of checking the sites’ reliability and authenticity, so this may result in people placing reliance on what they have been informed.” -> “Nevertheless, a significant number of individuals do not routinely verify the reliability and authenticity of websites, leading to a tendency to rely on information received.”
    Explanation: The alternative introduces more formal language, replacing “habit of checking” with “routinely verify” and “placing reliance” with “tendency to rely,” enhancing the academic tone.
  10. “The consequence of this can be seen in a person who puts trust in the misinformation, for instance, encouraging social evils, and after turning into a person with misbehavior.” -> “This can manifest in individuals placing trust in misinformation, thereby fostering social issues and potentially resulting in undesirable behavior.”
    Explanation: The alternative streamlines the expression, replacing the informal “can be seen in a person” with a more concise and formal structure, maintaining clarity in academic language.
  11. “In conclusion, I am strongly convinced that the Internet has a great impact on people’s behavior.” -> “In conclusion, I firmly believe that the Internet exerts a significant influence on human behavior.”
    Explanation: The alternative enhances formality by replacing “strongly convinced” with “firmly believe” and refining the phrasing for a more academically appropriate conclusion.
  12. “The aspiration to be like a successful person and the widespread accessibility of the Internet are the main reasons of this problems.” -> “The aspiration to emulate successful individuals and the widespread accessibility of the Internet are the primary causes of these issues.”
    Explanation: The suggested alternative corrects the grammatical error in “reasons of this problems” and provides a more precise expression of the idea, using “aspiration to emulate” and “primary causes” for improved academic language.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0 – UNDER WORD

  1. Quoted text: “Personally, I am in agreement with this statement due to certain reasons.”
    • Explanation and Improvement: The essay’s introduction lacks specificity regarding the writer’s position. It would be beneficial to explicitly state the reasons or provide a preview of the forthcoming arguments to enhance clarity and coherence. For instance, elaborating on the particular reasons or aspects of the Internet’s influence on behavior that the writer intends to discuss would strengthen the introduction.
    • Improved example: “Personally, I strongly agree that the Internet significantly impacts human behavior, mainly due to its role in shaping social norms and the dissemination of information. In the following essay, I will delve into the profound impact of online role models and the repercussions of unchecked information on individuals’ actions.”
  2. Quoted text: “The primary reason why the Internet has a significant influence on human actions is the tendency to mimic celebrities and well-known people.”
    • Explanation and Improvement: While identifying the influence of celebrities is valid, the argument lacks depth and supporting examples. To strengthen this point, consider providing specific instances or anecdotes illustrating how individuals emulate famous personalities found on the Internet and how this emulation translates into behavioral changes. This will bolster the argument and add substance to the claim.
    • Improved example: “One compelling illustration of the Internet’s impact on behavior is the emulation of celebrities found across various online platforms. For instance, studies have shown that adolescents tend to imitate the lifestyle choices of their admired influencers on social media, altering their behavior to align with perceived ideals of success or beauty.”
  3. Quoted text: “However, many people are not in the habit of checking the sites’ reliability and authenticity, so this may result in people placing reliance on what they have been informed.”
    • Explanation and Improvement: While highlighting the issue of reliability is pertinent, the explanation lacks specificity and depth. To bolster this argument, offer more clarity by including examples or scenarios where individuals’ reliance on unreliable information from the Internet leads to specific negative behavioral consequences. This will provide a more comprehensive understanding of the problem.
    • Improved example: “Moreover, the prevalence of misinformation on the Internet contributes to individuals making ill-informed decisions. An instance of this is the propagation of false health remedies on various online platforms, leading individuals to adopt unhealthy practices or even self-medicate without professional guidance, thereby influencing their behavior negatively.”

Overall, the essay presents some relevant ideas regarding the influence of the Internet on behavior. However, it lacks depth and specific examples to sufficiently support its claims, resulting in a somewhat underdeveloped discussion. Expanding on the provided points with concrete illustrations and enhancing the introductory and concluding sections for clarity would significantly improve the essay’s coherence and persuasiveness.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion to a moderate extent. The organization of ideas is clear, and there is a discernible progression in the essay. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the author’s stance, and the subsequent paragraphs provide reasons and examples. However, the transitions between ideas are somewhat mechanical, and the use of cohesive devices, though present, could be more varied and sophisticated. The essay does maintain a central topic within each paragraph, contributing to overall coherence.

Paragraphing is utilized, but it is not consistently logical. Some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences, making the overall structure less cohesive. The referencing within sentences is generally clear, but there are instances where better transitions could enhance the overall flow.

How to improve:

  1. Varied Cohesive Devices: The essay could benefit from a more diverse range of cohesive devices. While the existing ones serve their purpose, incorporating a variety of connectors, pronouns, and transitional phrases would elevate the essay’s cohesion.
  2. Logical Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical sequence of ideas. This will enhance both coherence and cohesion, making it easier for the reader to follow the essay’s argument.
  3. Smooth Transitions: Work on creating smoother transitions between ideas. This can be achieved by using transitional words and phrases that guide the reader through the logical progression of arguments.

By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It includes a mix of common and less common vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in word choice and collocation. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, as seen in phrases like “reputable” and “sense of achievement,” but there are instances where the use of vocabulary is not entirely accurate. There are also spelling and word formation errors throughout the essay, such as “triumphed” instead of “triumphant” and “misbehavior” instead of “misbehaving.” These errors do not impede communication significantly, but they are noticeable.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource, the writer should strive for more precision in word choice and ensure the accurate use of less common vocabulary. Additionally, careful proofreading is essential to eliminate spelling and word formation errors. The writer should also focus on maintaining consistency in style and collocation to enhance overall lexical control. Using a wider variety of vocabulary, especially in conveying ideas related to the prompt, will contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression of the writer’s thoughts.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, with the use of a variety of complex structures. There are instances of error-free sentences, and the writer generally maintains control over grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few errors that, while not pervasive, do occur and may slightly affect the overall clarity and precision of expression.

For example, in the sentence “The aspiration to be like a successful person and the widespread accessibility of the Internet are the main reasons of this problems,” the phrase “reasons of this problems” should be corrected to “reasons for this problem.” Additionally, there are a few instances of awkward phrasing, such as “satisfied the demand” which could be improved for smoother readability.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, pay close attention to sentence structures and ensure that each sentence is clear and grammatically correct. Proofread for awkward phrasing and refine expressions for greater precision. Additionally, be vigilant about the use of prepositions and articles to eliminate minor errors. Consider revising the conclusion to ensure that it succinctly summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals hold the belief that the Internet exerts a significant influence on people’s behavior. Personally, I agree with this statement for specific reasons.

The primary reason why the Internet has a noteworthy impact on human actions is the tendency to emulate celebrities and well-known figures. When individuals admire someone famous and reputable, they often wish to replicate their actions, providing a boost to their confidence and a sense of accomplishment by aligning themselves with their role models. For instance, imitating someone you admire fosters a feeling of triumph.

The second reason behind this phenomenon is the widespread accessibility of the Internet today. In particular, most people can easily satisfy their need for access to various social media platforms due to recent technological advancements. These platforms often contain a plethora of information. However, many individuals are not accustomed to verifying the reliability and authenticity of the information they encounter. Consequently, people may unwittingly place trust in misinformation, leading to undesirable consequences such as the promotion of social ills and the development of misguided behavior.

In conclusion, I am firmly convinced that the Internet has a substantial impact on people’s behavior. The desire to emulate successful individuals and the widespread availability of the Internet are the primary factors contributing to these issues.

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