It more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do agree or disagree.

Some people hold a belief that teaching local history to schoolchildren is more essential than world history. From my viewpoint, I disagree with this view as I think that both are equally significant for students.

On the one hand, learning historical events is crucial in the school’s curriculum in every country. This means that students are enabled to develop a sense of patriotism, local history helps them realize either the importance of national independence or their responsibilities towards their homeland. As an illustration, Vietnamese schoolchildren are taught about the Vietnam War which allows them to gain a deeper insight into the way their ancestors went through many hardships to fight against foreign enemies, thereby inspiring youngsters to learn harder and contribute more to their nation in the near future. Hence, studying domestic history is beneficial as students can appreciate the meaning of national independence and have a better understanding of the duties that they should undertake.

On another angle, encouraging the young generation to learn global history should not be ignored. This can be explained by the fact that children are able to broaden their horizons and interact better with international friends around the world and it allows them to adapt quickly when they go overseas. In this day and age, schoolchildren have many opportunities to study abroad or participate in foreign campaigns, and they highly emphasize their national identity. As a result, by learning about major events and developments across different countries, the young generation can gain a more well-rounded historical knowledge to integrate faster into the international environment.

In conclusion, paying attention to teaching children about both local history and global history is vital, but personally, I think teaching local history should be highly necessary.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Some people hold a belief that" -> "Some individuals maintain the belief that"
Explanation: "Hold a belief" is a common phrase but substituting it with "maintain the belief" elevates the formality of the language while retaining clarity.
"I disagree with this view as I think that both are equally significant" -> "I dissent from this perspective as I believe that both hold equal significance"
Explanation: "Disagree" is somewhat informal; "dissent" is a more formal synonym. "View" is replaced with "perspective" for a more precise term. "Think" is replaced with "believe" for a stronger assertion.
"On the one hand, learning historical events is crucial" -> "Firstly, the study of historical events is imperative"
Explanation: "On the one hand" is a bit informal for an academic context; "Firstly" offers a more structured transition. "Crucial" is replaced with "imperative" for a more formal tone.
"This means that students are enabled to develop a sense of patriotism" -> "Consequently, students are empowered to cultivate a sense of patriotism"
Explanation: "This means that" is somewhat redundant and informal; "Consequently" offers a clearer transition. "Enabled" is replaced with "empowered" for a stronger connotation.
"As an illustration" -> "For example"
Explanation: "As an illustration" is somewhat verbose; "For example" is a concise and formal alternative.
"As a result, by learning about major events and developments across different countries" -> "Consequently, through the study of significant events and advancements worldwide"
Explanation: "As a result, by" is a bit redundant and informal; "Consequently, through" offers a smoother transition. "Major events and developments across different countries" is replaced with "significant events and advancements worldwide" for clarity and precision.
"but personally, I think teaching local history should be highly necessary" -> "However, personally, I contend that the teaching of local history is of paramount importance"
Explanation: "But" is replaced with "However" for a smoother transition. "Think" is replaced with "contend" for a more assertive expression. "Highly necessary" is replaced with "of paramount importance" for a stronger emphasis.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument regarding the importance of teaching local versus world history. It acknowledges the significance of both but ultimately expresses disagreement with the idea that local history is more important.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure a more balanced exploration of the opposing viewpoint before presenting the author’s stance. This could involve dedicating more space to discussing the potential benefits of prioritizing local history before asserting the author’s disagreement.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing against the notion that local history is more important than world history. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, explicitly state the author’s position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis. Additionally, avoid ambiguous language that may obscure the intended stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and supports ideas with relevant examples and reasoning. It discusses the benefits of both local and world history, providing examples such as the Vietnam War and international interactions to support its arguments.
- How to improve: To further extend ideas, consider providing more in-depth analysis and additional examples to bolster arguments. Engage with counterarguments to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic and strengthen the overall argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the importance of both local and world history as relevant to the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off-topic, such as the emphasis on national identity in the third paragraph.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all discussion points directly relate to the prompt and contribute to the overall argument. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly address the question posed.

Overall, while the essay effectively argues against the prioritization of local history over world history, there is room for improvement in providing a more balanced exploration of opposing viewpoints, enhancing clarity of position, extending ideas with deeper analysis, and maintaining strict adherence to the topic throughout. By addressing these areas, the essay can strengthen its argumentation and potentially achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organization of information, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction presents the writer’s stance and outlines the main points to be discussed. The body paragraphs follow a logical progression, first discussing the importance of local history, then addressing the significance of global history. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reaffirms the writer’s position.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining the transition between paragraphs to ensure a seamless flow of ideas. Additionally, providing a brief preview of the main points in the introduction can help readers anticipate the structure of the essay more clearly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to organize ideas and maintain coherence. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument, beginning with topic sentences that introduce the main idea. The paragraphs are well-developed, with supporting evidence and examples provided to bolster the writer’s claims.
- How to improve: While the essay’s paragraph structure is generally sound, consider varying sentence structures within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on the topic and avoids straying off into unrelated tangents.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Transition words and phrases such as "on the one hand," "on another angle," and "in conclusion" effectively signal shifts between different parts of the argument. Additionally, pronouns and repetition are used strategically to reinforce key concepts and maintain cohesion.
- How to improve: To further enrich cohesion, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices such as synonyms, parallel structures, and cohesive referencing. This can help to create smoother connections between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to avoid abrupt shifts or inconsistencies in logic.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "patriotism," "national independence," "horizons," "adapt," and "well-rounded historical knowledge." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further to enhance the depth and sophistication of the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To enrich the vocabulary range, consider incorporating more specific terms related to historical concepts or educational discourse. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "important" or "crucial," explore synonyms like "integral," "paramount," or "vital." Additionally, introducing academic or domain-specific vocabulary relevant to historical analysis could elevate the discourse.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where the use of vocabulary could be more precise to convey the intended meaning more accurately. For example, in the phrase "the young generation can gain a more well-rounded historical knowledge," "well-rounded" is somewhat imprecise and could be replaced with a term like "comprehensive" or "nuanced" for clearer expression.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting vocabulary that precisely aligns with the intended message. This can be achieved through careful consideration of synonyms and nuances of meaning. Additionally, revising sentences to ensure that the chosen vocabulary accurately reflects the intended emphasis or connotation will enhance precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with no significant errors detracting from readability or comprehension. However, it’s important to maintain consistent attention to spelling accuracy to avoid occasional errors that may occur unintentionally.
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing strategies such as proofreading meticulously before submission, using spell-checking tools, and actively expanding vocabulary to reinforce correct spelling patterns. Additionally, developing a habit of reviewing commonly misspelled words and practicing spelling exercises can contribute to improved accuracy over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, incorporating simple, compound, and complex sentences effectively. For instance, complex sentences such as "This means that students are enabled to develop a sense of patriotism" and compound sentences like "Encouraging the young generation to learn global history should not be ignored" showcase the author’s ability to vary sentence structures to convey ideas with clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s structure, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures like conditional sentences or participial phrases. For instance, instead of solely relying on coordinating conjunctions, integrate subordinate clauses or relative clauses to enhance sentence complexity and sophistication.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are minor instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies throughout the essay. For example, in the sentence "This means that students are enabled to develop a sense of patriotism, local history helps them realize either the importance of national independence or their responsibilities towards their homeland," a comma splice occurs before "local history." Additionally, the phrase "to integrate faster into the international environment" could benefit from the use of an adverbial phrase, such as "more quickly."
- How to improve: Pay close attention to sentence boundaries and ensure that commas are used appropriately to separate independent clauses or items in a series. Additionally, consider revising complex sentences to maintain clarity and coherence, particularly in instances where multiple ideas are presented within a single sentence. Reviewing grammar rules related to comma usage and sentence structure can help refine the essay’s grammatical accuracy and punctuation consistency.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals maintain the belief that instructing school children in local history holds greater importance than teaching them about world history. I dissent from this perspective as I believe that both hold equal significance for students.

On one hand, the study of historical events is imperative in the school curriculum of every nation. Consequently, students are empowered to cultivate a sense of patriotism. For example, Vietnamese schoolchildren are taught about the Vietnam War, which allows them to gain a deeper insight into the way their ancestors endured hardships to fight against foreign enemies, thereby inspiring youngsters to learn harder and contribute more to their nation in the near future. Therefore, studying domestic history is beneficial as students can appreciate the meaning of national independence and have a better understanding of the duties that they should undertake.

On another angle, the teaching of global history should not be overlooked. This is because it enables children to broaden their horizons and interact better with international friends, which is particularly important in our interconnected world. Moreover, it equips them with the knowledge needed to adapt quickly when they go overseas. In this day and age, with many opportunities for schoolchildren to study abroad or participate in foreign campaigns, a well-rounded understanding of global history is crucial for integrating into the international environment while still valuing one’s national identity.

In conclusion, while paying attention to teaching children about both local and global history is vital, I contend that the teaching of local history is of paramount importance.