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Life was better when technology was simpler. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

Life was better when technology was simpler. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

technology was less complicated. I agree with this viewpoint because simplifying technology could save more time and enhance access from diverse people.
A confused impression is one of the common hindrances that prevents many people from using a specific device, especially elders. Due to this reason, minimizing the steps of operation in gadgets is a necessary update for easier usage purposes by a wider range of people. For example, in the past, when people wanted to use a personal computer, it was mandatory to educate themselves how to operate the device from various sources, nowadays, even elders, who didn’t acknowledge any information in technology can easily brow the internet on their computers alone because of the user-friendly look.
To a majority of individuals, spending hours reading an instruction manual of devices could be considered a waste of time activities. That is not to say the valuable time that is needed to get used to the machines, instead of doing that, engineers could solve the issues by optimizing the performance of the technology or adding a new feature. For instance, in order to watch TV before 2010, people needed to find a remote control in their house, and then press the red button to turn on the TV, these extra steps are now can be excluded by using voice-recognized technology which is integrated inside the device.
In conclusion, the more simple the technology is the more convenient it is for human life. I support this idea not only because it will help reduce wasted time activities when using machines but also bring more audiences to technology areas.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "technology was less complicated" -> "technology was less intricate"
    Explanation: Replacing "complicated" with "intricate" adds a more precise and sophisticated term, aligning with academic language and conveying a nuanced understanding of technology.

  2. "I agree with this viewpoint because" -> "I concur with this perspective because"
    Explanation: Substituting "agree" with "concur" and "viewpoint" with "perspective" elevates the formality of the sentence, making it more suitable for academic writing.

  3. "simplifying technology could save more time and enhance access from diverse people" -> "simplifying technology could save time and broaden accessibility across diverse demographics"
    Explanation: Removing "more" and rephrasing the latter part of the sentence enhances conciseness and uses more formal language, specifying the diverse demographic rather than just saying "diverse people."

  4. "A confused impression is one of the common hindrances" -> "Confusion is a prevalent impediment"
    Explanation: Simplifying the expression and using "prevalent impediment" instead of "common hindrances" improves conciseness and maintains formality.

  5. "Due to this reason" -> "For this reason"
    Explanation: "Due to this reason" is replaced with the more concise and academically appropriate "For this reason."

  6. "minimizing the steps of operation" -> "streamlining operational procedures"
    Explanation: The replacement with "streamlining operational procedures" adds precision and formality, avoiding the colloquial use of "steps of operation."

  7. "it was mandatory to educate themselves" -> "it was necessary to acquire the requisite knowledge"
    Explanation: Substituting "educate themselves" with "acquire the requisite knowledge" improves the formality of the expression and provides a more sophisticated alternative.

  8. "how to operate the device from various sources" -> "how to operate the device through diverse instructional materials"
    Explanation: The replacement uses more formal language, specifying "instructional materials" instead of the generic "various sources."

  9. "even elders, who didn’t acknowledge any information in technology can easily brow the internet" -> "even older individuals, unfamiliar with technology, can effortlessly browse the internet"
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs a more formal term ("older individuals") and corrects the grammatical error in "brow" to "browse."

  10. "spending hours reading an instruction manual of devices could be considered a waste of time activities" -> "investing hours in perusing device instruction manuals may be deemed a futile use of time"
    Explanation: The replacement improves formality, avoiding the casual expression "waste of time activities" and using more precise language.

  11. "That is not to say the valuable time that is needed to get used to the machines" -> "This is not to disregard the valuable time required to familiarize oneself with the machines"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative enhances formality and clarity, providing a more nuanced expression for the idea presented.

  12. "engineers could solve the issues by optimizing the performance of the technology or adding a new feature" -> "engineers could address these challenges by optimizing technological performance or incorporating new features"
    Explanation: The replacement adds specificity and formality to the statement, avoiding the generic term "solve the issues."

  13. "these extra steps are now can be excluded" -> "these additional steps can now be omitted"
    Explanation: The correction removes the grammatical error and uses more formal language ("omitted" instead of "excluded").

  14. "by using voice-recognized technology which is integrated inside the device" -> "through the utilization of integrated voice recognition technology"
    Explanation: The replacement improves formality by specifying "integrated voice recognition technology" and using a more structured expression.

  15. "the more simple the technology is" -> "the simpler the technology"
    Explanation: Simplifying the expression by using "the simpler" instead of "the more simple" maintains formality and improves readability.

  16. "it will help reduce wasted time activities" -> "it will help decrease unproductive time spent on activities"
    Explanation: The substitution enhances precision and avoids the colloquial use of "wasted time activities."

  17. "bring more audiences to technology areas" -> "attract a broader audience to technological domains"
    Explanation: The replacement uses a more formal term ("attract") and specifies "technological domains" for increased clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt, presenting the viewpoint that technology was better when simpler. It discusses the hindrances caused by complicated technology, specifically mentioning confusion among users, especially elders. The examples provided, such as the user-friendly design of computers and the integration of voice-recognized technology in TVs, support the argument.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both sides of the argument, encouraging a more detailed exploration of the disadvantages of simpler technology in certain contexts could add depth. Additionally, explicitly stating the degree to which the author agrees or disagrees with the prompt could enhance clarity.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, expressing agreement with the idea that life was better when technology was simpler. This position is evident in the thesis statement and reinforced throughout the essay with supporting examples.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider explicitly restating the stance in the conclusion, summarizing the main points and reinforcing the agreement with the prompt.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents the ideas, develops them with specific examples (e.g., personal computer usage, TV remote control), and supports the arguments. Each example is relevant and adds depth to the discussion.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider providing additional examples or exploring the potential drawbacks of simpler technology in specific scenarios. This could add nuance to the argument and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the advantages of simpler technology and supporting the argument with relevant examples. However, there are a few instances where the connection to the prompt could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Ensure that every point made directly ties back to the prompt. Provide a clear link between the discussed examples and the overall argument about the benefits of simpler technology, avoiding any tangential details.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, effectively presenting and supporting a clear position. To improve, consider adding more depth to the exploration of counterarguments, explicitly restating the position in the conclusion, providing additional examples, and ensuring every point directly relates to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph has a distinct focus, and there is a logical progression of ideas. For example, the first paragraph introduces the idea of simpler technology, the second paragraph discusses the hindrance of complicated devices, and the third paragraph provides examples supporting the argument. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transition sentences at the end of each paragraph to connect ideas and guide the reader from one point to the next. This will create a more seamless flow between paragraphs.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, but the structure within some paragraphs could be refined. For instance, the second paragraph starts with a broad statement about confused impressions, and then the example follows. It would be more effective to introduce the idea of confused impressions in a topic sentence, followed by the example to maintain a clear and focused structure within the paragraph.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Support the topic sentence with examples or details to provide a coherent and cohesive development of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices such as "for example" and "in conclusion" to link ideas and guide the reader. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of cohesive devices. A more extensive use of transitional words and phrases (e.g., moreover, furthermore, on the other hand) can enhance the overall cohesion.
    • How to improve: Increase the use of a diverse range of cohesive devices throughout the essay to create stronger connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will contribute to a more coherent and cohesive presentation of ideas. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure a smooth and natural flow of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it includes some varied words and phrases, there is room for improvement. For example, the use of phrases like "wasted time activities" and "user-friendly look" adds diversity, but there is a reliance on common expressions such as "common hindrances" and "necessary update." More precise and sophisticated vocabulary could elevate the lexical resource score.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specialized terms or synonyms for commonly used phrases. For instance, instead of "common hindrances," you could use "ubiquitous obstacles," and instead of "necessary update," consider "essential upgrade." This will demonstrate a more nuanced and extensive vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with clarity, but there are instances where precision can be improved. For example, in the phrase "minimizing the steps of operation," it could be more precise by specifying the type of steps involved. Additionally, the term "voice-recognized technology" could be refined to "voice-recognition technology" for accuracy.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by specifying the steps involved in the operation, such as "minimizing the procedural steps." Furthermore, ensure accuracy by using the correct term "voice-recognition technology" instead of "voice-recognized technology."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, but there are a few instances where improvement is needed. For example, "brow" should be corrected to "browse," and "wasted time activities" could be refined to "time-consuming activities." These minor spelling errors slightly impact the overall accuracy.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to spelling details, especially when using words that sound similar but have different meanings. Use tools like spell-check to catch and correct such errors. Additionally, proofread the essay thoroughly to identify and rectify any spelling mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and spelling, fine-tuning for precision and expanding the range of vocabulary will contribute to a higher lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. Simple sentences are used alongside compound and complex structures. For instance, there are instances of complex sentences, such as "A confused impression is one of the common hindrances that prevent many people from using a specific device, especially elders." However, the diversity could be further improved by incorporating more complex structures and varying sentence lengths to enhance fluency and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider integrating more complex sentences and experimenting with different sentence lengths. For instance, instead of relying solely on straightforward explanations, incorporate more nuanced ideas through the use of complex sentences. This can contribute to a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where sentence structure could be refined for clarity. For example, the phrase "spending hours reading an instruction manual of devices" might benefit from rephrasing for better clarity, such as "spending hours reading device instruction manuals."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to sentence construction to ensure clarity and precision. In this case, consider rephrasing sentences that may seem ambiguous. Additionally, proofread carefully to catch any minor grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement or word choice issues. Consulting grammar resources or seeking feedback on specific grammar points can be beneficial.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical structures and punctuation. To achieve a higher band score, focus on refining sentence structures for greater sophistication and ensure clarity in complex ideas through careful grammar and punctuation usage.

Bài sửa mẫu

Life was indeed better when technology was less complicated. I concur with this perspective because simplifying technology could save time and broaden accessibility across diverse demographics.

Confusion is a prevalent impediment that often prevents individuals, especially older ones, from using specific devices. For this reason, streamlining operational procedures is a necessary update for facilitating easier usage by a wider range of people. In the past, when individuals wanted to use a personal computer, it was necessary to acquire the requisite knowledge on how to operate the device through diverse instructional materials. However, nowadays, even older individuals, unfamiliar with technology, can effortlessly browse the internet on their computers alone due to the user-friendly interface.

Investing hours in perusing device instruction manuals may be deemed a futile use of time. This is not to disregard the valuable time required to familiarize oneself with the machines. Instead, engineers could address these challenges by optimizing technological performance or incorporating new features. For instance, in the past, to watch TV before 2010, people needed to find a remote control in their house, press the red button to turn on the TV, and these additional steps can now be omitted through the utilization of integrated voice recognition technology.

In conclusion, the simpler the technology, the more convenient it is for human life. I support this idea not only because it will help decrease unproductive time spent on activities when using machines but also attract a broader audience to technological domains.

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