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Living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Living in big cities is bad for people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

I understand that residing in large cities has a detrimental impact on people's health. While I acknowledge the reasons behind this thinking, I neither disagree nor agree with this statement.

On the other hand, it is understood that some people believe staying in a large metropolis positively affects people’s health. The key rationale in favor of this notion is that many healthcare services exist. Most of the parks contain a lot of equipment for sports and many competitions are held. Therefore, many residents take part in this competition. Hospitals in large cities are offered many modern technology machines. It meets the needs of inhabitants. A large number of workshops about improving health also take place there to enhance awareness of health. Considering the factor, the idea is justifiable.

On the other hand, I am convinced that residing in big cities has negative impacts on people's health. Perhaps the foremost reason that can be put forward would be that environmental degradation may influence significantly health. Nowadays, the environment of big cities is increasing with high levels of pollution and air. This results in city dwellers suffering from various health problems such as asthma, and lung-related diseases. The argument in favor of this opinion is further fortified by the fact that a faster pace of big city life can create unhealthy lifestyles. This is because many people have bad habits such as staying up late, skipping meals, and a sedentary life. These habits give rise to a higher risk of stress, depression, anxiety disorders, and obesity.

In conclusion, while there are justifications that living in a large city has benefits for people's health, I would contend that staying there has detrimental influences on health.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "I understand that residing in large cities has a detrimental impact on people’s health. While I acknowledge the reasons behind this thinking, I neither disagree nor agree with this statement."
    -> "I recognize that residing in large cities can have a detrimental impact on people’s health. While I understand the reasons behind this perspective, I neither fully agree nor disagree with this statement."
    Explanation: Replacing "I understand" with "I recognize" adds a slightly more formal tone. Also, rephrasing the sentence for clarity and avoiding the use of double negation enhances academic style.

  2. "On the other hand, it is understood that some people believe staying in a large metropolis positively affects people’s health. The key rationale in favor of this notion is that many healthcare services exist."
    -> "Conversely, some argue that residing in a large metropolis positively influences people’s health. The primary rationale supporting this notion is the availability of numerous healthcare services."
    Explanation: The suggested changes offer a more formal and concise expression of the idea. "Conversely" is used to introduce a contrasting perspective, and the phrase "primary rationale" adds specificity.

  3. "Most of the parks contain a lot of equipment for sports and many competitions are held. Therefore, many residents take part in this competition."
    -> "Many parks are equipped with sports facilities, and numerous competitions take place. Consequently, a considerable number of residents participate in these events."
    Explanation: The revised sentences eliminate redundancy and improve precision. Using "Consequently" enhances the logical flow of the argument, and "considerable number" is more formal than "many."

  4. "Hospitals in large cities are offered many modern technology machines. It meets the needs of inhabitants."
    -> "Hospitals in large cities are equipped with advanced medical technology, addressing the healthcare needs of the residents."
    Explanation: The suggested changes eliminate redundancy and improve the precision of expression. "Advanced medical technology" is more formal than "modern technology machines," and the revised second sentence maintains coherence.

  5. "A large number of workshops about improving health also take place there to enhance awareness of health. Considering the factor, the idea is justifiable."
    -> "Numerous health-improvement workshops are conducted in large cities to raise awareness. Given this factor, the concept is justified."
    Explanation: The revisions enhance clarity and formality. "Numerous" is more formal than "a large number of," and "concept" is a more refined term than "idea" in academic writing.

  6. "On the other hand, I am convinced that residing in big cities has negative impacts on people’s health."
    -> "However, I am firmly of the belief that living in major urban centers has adverse effects on people’s health."
    Explanation: The suggested changes introduce a stronger expression of conviction and employ more formal language. "Firmly of the belief" is a more sophisticated phrase than "convinced."

  7. "Perhaps the foremost reason that can be put forward would be that environmental degradation may influence significantly health."
    -> "Arguably, the primary reason to consider is the significant impact of environmental degradation on health."
    Explanation: The revisions enhance formality and clarity. "Arguably" introduces a more sophisticated tone, and the phrase "the primary reason to consider" is more precise than "perhaps the foremost reason."

  8. "Nowadays, the environment of big cities is increasing with high levels of pollution and air."
    -> "In contemporary times, urban environments are characterized by escalating levels of air pollution."
    Explanation: The changes improve formality and precision. "In contemporary times" is a more formal alternative to "nowadays," and "escalating levels of air pollution" provides a clearer description.

  9. "This results in city dwellers suffering from various health problems such as asthma, and lung-related diseases."
    -> "Consequently, city dwellers experience a range of health issues, including asthma and diseases related to the respiratory system."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves coherence and precision. Using "consequently" establishes a logical connection, and the phrase "diseases related to the respiratory system" is more formal than "lung-related diseases."

  10. "This is because many people have bad habits such as staying up late, skipping meals, and a sedentary life. These habits give rise to a higher risk of stress, depression, anxiety disorders, and obesity."
    -> "This is attributed to prevalent unhealthy habits, including irregular sleep patterns, skipped meals, and a sedentary lifestyle. These behaviors contribute to an elevated risk of stress, depression, anxiety disorders, and obesity."
    Explanation: The changes enhance precision and formality. "Attributed to" is a more formal construction, and the revised sentence provides a more detailed and formal description of unhealthy habits and their consequences.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "While I acknowledge the reasons behind this thinking, I neither disagree nor agree with this statement."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks a clear and decisive stance on the issue, as the writer states neither agreement nor disagreement. According to the Task Response criteria, it is crucial to clearly present a position throughout the response. To improve, the writer should express a clear opinion in the introduction, outlining whether they agree, disagree, or hold a nuanced perspective.
    • Improved example: "While I understand the arguments supporting the negative impact of living in big cities on health, I lean towards the opinion that the detrimental effects outweigh any potential benefits."
  2. Quoted text: "On the other hand, it is understood that some people believe staying in a large metropolis positively affects people’s health."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The writer provides a counter-argument, which is positive, but the expression is weak, using phrases like "it is understood." A more assertive and confident tone is needed. Additionally, the supporting ideas lack depth and are vague. To enhance, the writer should present more specific and well-supported reasons, drawing on personal knowledge or experience.
    • Improved example: "Contrary to the belief that large cities have adverse effects on health, proponents argue that the abundance of healthcare services, sports facilities in parks, and health workshops fosters a positive environment. For instance, parks host various sports competitions, encouraging residents to engage in physical activities regularly."
  3. Quoted text: "Perhaps the foremost reason that can be put forward would be that environmental degradation may influence significantly health."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The writer introduces a strong argument related to environmental degradation but lacks specific examples or elaboration. To improve, the writer should provide concrete instances of how environmental degradation, such as pollution, directly impacts health. This will strengthen the argument and align with the Band 7 and above criteria for presenting well-developed and well-supported ideas.
    • Improved example: "One of the primary reasons supporting the negative impact of big city living on health is environmental degradation, notably high pollution levels. For instance, the increased presence of pollutants in the air has been linked to a rise in respiratory ailments such as asthma and other lung-related diseases among city dwellers."

Overall, while the essay addresses all parts of the task, there is room for improvement in the clarity of the writer’s stance and the development of supporting ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The introduction provides a clear indication of the writer’s stance, and each body paragraph presents a different perspective on the issue. There is an attempt to logically organize ideas within paragraphs, with some progression throughout the essay. Cohesive devices are used, but there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion, affecting the flow of ideas. The essay uses paragraphing, but it is not always logical, and there is room for improvement.

How to Improve:

  1. Logical Organization: Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas within and between paragraphs. Each paragraph should contribute to the overall development of the argument.

  2. Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices more effectively to enhance the connections between sentences and ideas. Pay attention to the appropriate use of cohesive devices, avoiding under- or overuse.

  3. Paragraphing: Review paragraph structure to ensure a logical flow of information. Consider the unity of each paragraph and how it contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay presents arguments coherently, and vocabulary is generally appropriate for the task. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and word formation, impacting the overall fluency.

How to improve:
To move to a higher band score, focus on refining the accuracy of word choice and collocation. Additionally, strive for more variety in vocabulary, incorporating advanced lexical features with greater precision. Proofreading for minor errors in spelling and word formation would enhance the overall lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, contributing to a moderate range of grammatical structures. While there are instances of effective use of complex sentences, there are also some instances where sentence structures are less varied and may lack complexity. There is an effort to control grammar and punctuation, but several errors are present, such as inconsistencies in verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and word choice. These errors, however, do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on consistently employing a wider variety of sentence structures. Paying close attention to verb tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and word choice will help minimize errors. Additionally, proofreading the essay for grammatical accuracy before submission is essential to ensure a more polished and error-free piece.

Bài sửa mẫu

I understand the viewpoint suggesting that residing in large cities negatively affects people’s health. While I acknowledge the reasons behind this thinking, I neither fully agree nor disagree with this statement.

On the positive side, it is recognized that some argue in favor of the positive impact of large city living on health. The main rationale supporting this perspective is the availability of numerous healthcare services. Many parks are equipped with sports facilities, hosting various competitions that encourage resident participation. Additionally, large cities boast hospitals equipped with modern technology, catering to the diverse health needs of the inhabitants. Furthermore, these cities host numerous workshops aimed at raising awareness about health improvement. Considering these factors, the idea seems plausible.

On the flip side, I am convinced that residing in big cities has adverse effects on people’s health. Perhaps the primary reason supporting this assertion is the significant impact of environmental degradation on health. Nowadays, big cities grapple with high levels of pollution and air contamination, leading to various health issues such as asthma and respiratory diseases. This argument is reinforced by the faster pace of big city life, contributing to unhealthy lifestyles. Many individuals develop detrimental habits like staying up late, skipping meals, and leading sedentary lives, resulting in a higher risk of stress, depression, anxiety disorders, and obesity.

In conclusion, while there are justifications for the benefits of living in a large city for health, I contend that residing there also has detrimental influences on health.

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