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Many animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions?

Many animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions?

Many animal species are on the brink of extinction due to human activities on land and in the sea. This essay explores the underlying reasons for this crisis and proposes effective solutions.

One significant cause of animal extinction is the pursuit of economic gains through the trade in endangered animals. Poachers, driven by the lure of substantial profits, resort to killing animals for valuable body parts. An illustrative example is the tragic fate of Javan rhinos, hunted for their horns, highly prized in traditional Asian medicine. This has led to the extinction of Javan rhinos in some countries like Vietnam and Malaysia. Another critical factor contributing to the decline of animal populations is environmental pollution. Activities such as ocean dumping of municipal sewage sludge and industrial waste pose severe threats to marine ecosystems, resulting in the death of various sea creatures, including endangered species.

Several solutions can be implemented to address these challenges. Firstly, there is a need to enhance public awareness. This involves educating people about the importance of protecting animal environments and dispelling myths surrounding the purported medicinal value of certain animal parts. For instance, it should be widely known that rhino horns hold no actual curative properties. Additionally, fostering a movement to clean beaches and oceans can mitigate the harmful impacts of pollution on marine life.

The second crucial solution lies in the implementation of effective laws to prohibit the hunting of animals that are at risk of becoming endangered. Strict penalties, such as imprisonment and substantial fines, should be imposed on those engaging in illegal hunting. In Vietnam, for instance, stringent measures, including a ten-year prison sentence and a substantial fine of about one billion VND, have been enforced to deter illegal hunters.

In conclusion, the perilous state of many animal species is primarily attributed to economic interests driving the illegal trade in endangered animals and environmental pollution. To counteract these threats, it is imperative to raise public awareness, dispel myths, and enforce stringent laws against illegal hunting. Only through concerted efforts can we hope to safeguard the diverse and invaluable species inhabiting our planet.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Many animal species are on the brink of extinction due to human activities on land and in the sea." -> "Numerous animal species are teetering on the brink of extinction due to human activities on both land and in the sea."
    Explanation: Replacing "Many" with "Numerous" adds precision to the description, and expanding "on land and in the sea" to "on both land and in the sea" enhances clarity and formality.

  2. "This essay explores the underlying reasons for this crisis and proposes effective solutions." -> "This essay examines the underlying causes of this crisis and suggests viable solutions."
    Explanation: Substituting "explores" with "examines" and "proposes effective" with "suggests viable" contributes to a more formal and academically appropriate tone.

  3. "One significant cause of animal extinction is the pursuit of economic gains through the trade in endangered animals." -> "A significant cause of animal extinction is the pursuit of economic gains through the trafficking of endangered animals."
    Explanation: Replacing "trade" with "trafficking" adds specificity, and using "pursuit of economic gains" instead of "the pursuit of economic gains" streamlines the sentence for conciseness and formality.

  4. "An illustrative example is the tragic fate of Javan rhinos, hunted for their horns, highly prized in traditional Asian medicine." -> "An illustrative example is the tragic fate of Javan rhinos, hunted for their horns, which are highly valued in traditional Asian medicine."
    Explanation: Adding "which are highly valued in traditional Asian medicine" provides additional information without sacrificing clarity, making the sentence more comprehensive.

  5. "This has led to the extinction of Javan rhinos in some countries like Vietnam and Malaysia." -> "This has resulted in the extinction of Javan rhinos in countries such as Vietnam and Malaysia."
    Explanation: Replacing "some countries like" with "countries such as" maintains formality and precision in expressing the affected regions.

  6. "Another critical factor contributing to the decline of animal populations is environmental pollution." -> "Another crucial factor contributing to the decline of animal populations is environmental pollution."
    Explanation: Substituting "critical" with "crucial" elevates the language, emphasizing the importance of environmental pollution as a contributing factor.

  7. "Several solutions can be implemented to address these challenges." -> "Several measures can be implemented to mitigate these challenges."
    Explanation: Replacing "solutions" with "measures" and "address" with "mitigate" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.

  8. "For instance, it should be widely known that rhino horns hold no actual curative properties." -> "For instance, it should be widely known that rhino horns possess no actual curative properties."
    Explanation: Replacing "hold" with "possess" contributes to a more formal and accurate representation of the idea.

  9. "Additionally, fostering a movement to clean beaches and oceans can mitigate the harmful impacts of pollution on marine life." -> "Moreover, promoting a campaign to clean beaches and oceans can alleviate the deleterious effects of pollution on marine life."
    Explanation: Substituting "Additionally" with "Moreover" and replacing "mitigate" with "alleviate" contribute to a more formal and cohesive expression of ideas.

  10. "Strict penalties, such as imprisonment and substantial fines, should be imposed on those engaging in illegal hunting." -> "Stringent penalties, including imprisonment and substantial fines, should be imposed on individuals engaging in illegal hunting."
    Explanation: Replacing "Strict" with "Stringent" adds formality, and specifying "including imprisonment" provides clarity and precision.

  11. "In Vietnam, for instance, stringent measures, including a ten-year prison sentence and a substantial fine of about one billion VND, have been enforced to deter illegal hunters." -> "In Vietnam, for example, rigorous measures, including a ten-year prison sentence and a substantial fine of approximately one billion VND, have been implemented to deter illegal hunters."
    Explanation: Substituting "instance" with "example" and "enforced" with "implemented" contributes to a more formal and precise presentation of the information.

  12. "To counteract these threats, it is imperative to raise public awareness, dispel myths, and enforce stringent laws against illegal hunting." -> "To mitigate these threats, it is imperative to enhance public awareness, dispel myths, and rigorously enforce laws against illegal hunting."
    Explanation: Replacing "counteract" with "mitigate" and "stringent" with "rigorously" maintains formality while emphasizing the strength of law enforcement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay comprehensively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It identifies and discusses both the reasons for the extinction of animal species (economic interests and environmental pollution) and proposes effective solutions (enhancing public awareness and implementing strict laws).
    • How to improve: No significant improvement is needed in this aspect; the essay successfully covers all components of the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The thesis statement clearly identifies the causes and proposes solutions, and each paragraph supports this stance.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, ensure that each paragraph’s opening sentence explicitly relates to the thesis statement and reinforces the essay’s overall position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports its ideas. Examples such as the case of Javan rhinos and the impact of ocean dumping provide strong evidence to support the stated causes. Solutions are also well-developed, with specific actions and penalties discussed.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider providing more specific examples or case studies related to the solutions proposed. This can enhance the depth and persuasiveness of the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay consistently stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for animal extinction due to human activities and suggesting viable solutions. There are no significant deviations from the prompt.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central theme. While the essay does this effectively, reinforcing the connection in transitions can further improve coherence.

Overall Feedback:
The essay exhibits a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively addressing all elements. It maintains a clear stance throughout, supporting ideas with relevant examples and proposing practical solutions. To further enhance the essay, consider providing additional examples for the proposed solutions and reinforcing the connections between paragraphs. The language and structure are generally strong, contributing to a well-rounded response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the issue, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that delve into the causes and proposed solutions. The use of specific examples, such as the Javan rhinos, enhances the coherence and effectiveness of the argument.
    • How to improve: While the logical organization is strong, consider reinforcing the connection between paragraphs by using transitional phrases. For example, using phrases like "Furthermore" or "Moreover" can help readers follow the flow of ideas more smoothly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, contributing to a coherent overall structure. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately concise, framing the discussion without unnecessary repetition.
    • How to improve: Maintain consistency in paragraph length. While the body paragraphs are well-structured, ensuring similar lengths can enhance visual balance and further contribute to the overall cohesion.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases. For instance, the use of "this" and "illustrative example" aids in linking ideas, creating a smooth transition between sentences and paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Continue diversifying the use of cohesive devices to enhance coherence. Experiment with different transitional phrases to add nuance and sophistication to the text. For instance, employing synonyms for commonly used transition words can elevate the overall quality of the essay.

In summary, the essay exhibits a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To further improve, focus on strengthening transitional elements for smoother paragraph connections and consider experimenting with a broader range of cohesive devices to add depth and complexity to the essay’s structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, encompassing terms related to the extinction crisis, economic motivations, environmental issues, and proposed solutions. For instance, phrases such as "on the brink of extinction," "lure of substantial profits," "marine ecosystems," and "dispelling myths" contribute to a varied lexical repertoire.
    • How to improve: To further elevate the vocabulary, consider incorporating more advanced synonyms and nuanced expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "animal species," diversify with alternatives like "fauna" or "biodiversity." This subtle expansion can enhance the richness of your language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision. Examples include the specific mention of "Javan rhinos," "ocean dumping," and "municipal sewage sludge," which enhance the clarity of your arguments. However, there are instances where more precise language could be beneficial. For instance, specifying the types of economic interests or providing concrete examples of environmental pollution would add depth to your analysis.
    • How to improve: Aim for more specificity in your vocabulary. Instead of the generic term "economic interests," consider specifying the economic activities contributing to the issue, such as "unregulated wildlife trade" or "destructive logging practices." This precision can offer a more detailed and nuanced understanding of the problems discussed.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where accuracy can be improved. For example, "penalties" is misspelled as "penalties," and the phrase "the extinction of Javan rhinos" could be enhanced by specifying the countries where this extinction occurred.
    • How to improve: Prioritize thorough proofreading to catch minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider providing more specific details when discussing examples, as this can strengthen your arguments and contribute to a more comprehensive response.

In conclusion, while the essay displays a commendable command of vocabulary, further diversification, precision, and attention to spelling details can elevate the lexical resource score. Implementing these suggestions will contribute to a more sophisticated and refined essay in future tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures. It effectively employs complex sentences, such as "An illustrative example is the tragic fate of Javan rhinos, hunted for their horns, highly prized in traditional Asian medicine," showcasing a mix of simple and compound structures. The varied use of sentence structures contributes to a smooth and engaging flow of ideas, enhancing overall readability.
    • How to improve: While the essay already displays a good variety of structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences or using inversion for emphasis in certain instances. For instance, experimenting with the structure by starting sentences with introductory phrases or clauses can add sophistication.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. There are no glaring grammatical errors or punctuation mistakes that hinder the clarity of the message. Complex sentence structures are handled adeptly, contributing to a nuanced and cohesive argument. For example, the use of parallel structure in "imprisonment and substantial fines" enhances grammatical accuracy.
    • How to improve: While the overall grammatical accuracy is high, pay attention to the consistency of verb tenses, ensuring they align seamlessly throughout the essay. Additionally, consider utilizing semicolons or dashes to enhance sentence variety, but exercise caution to avoid overuse.

In summary, the essay exhibits a strong grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, featuring diverse sentence structures with minimal errors. To further enhance the score, continue refining sentence structures by incorporating advanced forms and ensuring impeccable consistency in verb tenses. This will contribute to an even more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many animal species are on the verge of extinction due to human activities on land and in the sea. This essay delves into the underlying reasons for this crisis and suggests effective solutions.

A significant cause of animal extinction is the pursuit of economic gains through the trade in endangered animals. Poachers, enticed by the promise of substantial profits, resort to killing animals for valuable body parts. An illustrative example is the tragic fate of Javan rhinos, hunted for their horns, highly prized in traditional Asian medicine. This has led to the extinction of Javan rhinos in some countries like Vietnam and Malaysia. Another critical factor contributing to the decline of animal populations is environmental pollution. Activities such as ocean dumping of municipal sewage sludge and industrial waste pose severe threats to marine ecosystems, resulting in the death of various sea creatures, including endangered species.

Several solutions can be implemented to address these challenges. Firstly, there is a need to enhance public awareness. This involves educating people about the importance of protecting animal environments and dispelling myths surrounding the purported medicinal value of certain animal parts. For instance, it should be widely known that rhino horns hold no actual curative properties. Additionally, fostering a movement to clean beaches and oceans can mitigate the harmful impacts of pollution on marine life.

The second crucial solution lies in the implementation of effective laws to prohibit the hunting of animals that are at risk of becoming endangered. Strict penalties, such as imprisonment and substantial fines, should be imposed on those engaging in illegal hunting. In Vietnam, for instance, stringent measures, including a ten-year prison sentence and a substantial fine of about one billion VND, have been enforced to deter illegal hunters.

In conclusion, the perilous state of many animal species is primarily attributed to economic interests driving the illegal trade in endangered animals and environmental pollution. To counteract these threats, it is imperative to raise public awareness, dispel myths, and enforce stringent laws against illegal hunting. Only through concerted efforts can we hope to safeguard the diverse and invaluable species inhabiting our planet.

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