Many animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions?

There are several reasons for human activities precipitating many animals teetering on the brink of extinction. The first and foremost is large economic benefits from trade in endangered animals. Thus, a poacher does everything to get the animals,
killing them to get valuable parts. For example, the Javan rhinos were killed by
hunters for their horn, a highly prized commodity in traditional Asian medicine. As a result, Javan rhinos are extinct in some countries such as Vietnam, Malaysia. Another important reason is pollution environments. These problems damage the environment of animals. For instance, ocean dumping of municipal sewage sludge and industrial wastes are major marine ecosystem threats. It results in the sea creatures dying, involving endangered animals.
There are some solutions for human activities precipitating many animals teetering on the brink of extinction. First solution is improving awareness of people. It consists of protecting animal environments and understanding myths about the non realistic value of some animals. Example, the horn of rhinos has no effect on treatment or encouraging the movement to clean the beach. The second solution is to introduce effective laws that prohibit the hunting of animals that are threatened to become endangered. The hunter must go to prison and pay a large fine. For instance, in Vietnam, the people who illegally hunt are imprisoned for 10 years and pay about one billion VND.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"teetering on the brink of extinction" -> "on the verge of extinction"
Explanation: The phrase "teetering on the brink of extinction" is more informal, and replacing it with "on the verge of extinction" maintains formality and precision in describing the critical state of endangered animals.
"large economic benefits" -> "significant economic gains"
Explanation: "Large economic benefits" can be refined to "significant economic gains" for a more formal and precise expression, aligning with academic style.
"Thus, a poacher does everything" -> "Consequently, poachers engage in various activities"
Explanation: The transition word "Thus" is replaced with "Consequently" for a smoother and more formal flow. Additionally, "does everything" is substituted with "engage in various activities" for a more detailed and academic description.
"killing them to get valuable parts" -> "slaughtering them to obtain valuable body parts"
Explanation: The phrase "killing them to get valuable parts" is refined to "slaughtering them to obtain valuable body parts" for a more explicit and academic expression.
"For example, the Javan rhinos were killed by hunters for their horn" -> "For instance, Javan rhinos were hunted for their horns"
Explanation: The sentence is rephrased to enhance clarity and formality. "For example" is replaced with "For instance," and the structure is refined for a more concise expression.
"highly prized commodity" -> "highly valued commodity"
Explanation: "Prized" is replaced with "valued" to maintain formality, and the term "commodity" is retained for precision in describing the horn’s significance.
"traditional Asian medicine" -> "traditional medicine in Asia"
Explanation: The phrase "traditional Asian medicine" is adjusted to "traditional medicine in Asia" for a more standard usage and formality.
"Another important reason is pollution environments." -> "Another significant factor is environmental pollution."
Explanation: The phrase "pollution environments" is corrected to "environmental pollution" for proper syntax and formality.
"It results in the sea creatures dying, involving endangered animals." -> "This leads to the death of marine creatures, including endangered species."
Explanation: The sentence is rephrased for clarity and formality. The term "sea creatures dying" is refined to "the death of marine creatures," and "involving endangered animals" is replaced with "including endangered species."
"There are some solutions for human activities precipitating many animals teetering on the brink of extinction." -> "Several solutions address human activities contributing to the precarious status of many animals on the verge of extinction."
Explanation: The sentence is restructured for formality and precision, replacing "There are some solutions" with "Several solutions" for a more direct and academic tone.
"First solution is improving awareness of people." -> "The first solution involves raising awareness among the public."
Explanation: "Improving awareness of people" is refined to "raising awareness among the public" for a more formal and precise expression.
"It consists of protecting animal environments and understanding myths about the non-realistic value of some animals." -> "This entails safeguarding animal habitats and dispelling myths regarding the unrealistic value of certain animals."
Explanation: The sentence is rephrased to enhance formality and clarity. "It consists of" is replaced with "This entails," and "non-realistic" is adjusted to "unrealistic" for consistency and precision.
"Example, the horn of rhinos has no effect on treatment or encouraging the movement to clean the beach." -> "For example, the rhino horn has no medicinal effects, nor does it contribute to beach cleanup initiatives."
Explanation: The sentence is restructured for clarity and formality. "Example" is replaced with "For example," and the phrasing is adjusted for a more academic tone.
"The second solution is to introduce effective laws that prohibit the hunting of animals that are threatened to become endangered." -> "The second solution involves implementing effective laws that prohibit the hunting of animals at risk of becoming endangered."
Explanation: The sentence is rephrased for formality and precision. "To introduce" is replaced with "involves implementing," and the wording is adjusted for a more formal expression.
"The hunter must go to prison and pay a large fine." -> "Violators must face imprisonment and pay a substantial fine."
Explanation: The sentence is refined for formality and precision. "The hunter" is replaced with "Violators," and the phrasing is adjusted for a more general and academic tone.
"For instance, in Vietnam, the people who illegally hunt are imprisoned for 10 years and pay about one billion VND." -> "For example, in Vietnam, individuals engaged in illegal hunting face a 10-year imprisonment term and a fine of approximately one billion VND."
Explanation: The sentence is restructured for clarity and formality. "The people who illegally hunt" is replaced with "individuals engaged in illegal hunting," and the wording is adjusted for a more academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the reasons for animal extinction due to human activities and suggests solutions. However, the discussion lacks depth and detail. The reasons are mentioned briefly without elaboration, and the solutions, while presented, are not thoroughly developed.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, provide more detailed examples and explanations for both the reasons and solutions. Delve deeper into the economic benefits of the animal trade and elaborate on how pollution directly affects various animal species.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat clear stance on the reasons and solutions for animal extinction. However, the lack of depth in the discussion weakens the clarity of the position. The essay could benefit from a more explicit and focused thesis statement to guide the reader.
- How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of your position by crafting a clear and concise thesis statement that explicitly outlines your stance on the reasons and solutions for animal extinction. This will provide a roadmap for the reader and help maintain a consistent focus throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay briefly introduces reasons and solutions but lacks sufficient development and support. Examples provided are limited and lack specificity, making it challenging for the reader to fully grasp the depth of the issues and proposed solutions.
- How to improve: Extend your ideas by providing more specific examples and details. Elaborate on the economic benefits of the animal trade and the consequences of pollution on specific animal species. Include relevant data or statistics to strengthen your arguments and provide a more compelling case.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but includes some general statements and lack of specificity, especially in the second paragraph. The discussion on pollution is vague and could be more closely tied to the prompt.
- How to improve: Ensure that each point made directly relates to the prompt. Provide specific examples for all reasons and solutions to enhance relevance. Avoid broad statements, and instead, focus on the direct impact of human activities on land and in the sea that leads to animal extinction.

In summary, while the essay attempts to address the prompt, it falls short in providing sufficient depth, detail, and specificity in both the reasons and solutions. Strengthening the thesis statement, extending ideas with more specific examples, and ensuring relevance to the prompt will contribute to an improved response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction briefly outlines the reasons for animal extinction, followed by reasons in the first paragraph and solutions in the second. However, there is room for improvement in the organization within paragraphs. For example, the transition from discussing economic benefits to environmental pollution could be smoother, providing a clearer link between the reasons for animal extinction.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider grouping related ideas within paragraphs and using transition sentences. For instance, after discussing economic benefits, transition smoothly to the environmental impact of pollution to maintain a clear progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs, but the structure within them could be improved. The first paragraph addresses reasons for animal extinction, while the second focuses on solutions. However, the ideas within each paragraph lack clear sub-structuring. There is a need for better organization within paragraphs to improve coherence.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down each paragraph into more distinct subpoints, ensuring each paragraph has a clear focus. For example, within the reasons paragraph, separate the discussion of economic benefits and pollution into distinct subpoints, making the progression of ideas more evident.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "thus," "for example"). However, there is a limited variety, and the connection between ideas could be strengthened. For instance, the transition between discussing economic benefits and environmental pollution lacks a seamless link.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore") and pronouns to create smoother transitions between ideas. Pay attention to the logical progression of ideas and use cohesive devices to guide the reader through the essay more effectively.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in the organization of ideas within paragraphs and the use of diverse cohesive devices. Implementing these suggestions will contribute to a more logically structured and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate varied words, such as "teetering," "precipitating," "commodity," and "ecosystem." However, some repetition of words and phrases, such as "human activities precipitating many animals teetering," could be addressed for a more diverse lexical selection.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider introducing synonyms and alternative expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "teetering on the brink of extinction," explore other ways to convey the same idea. Additionally, explore more specific terms related to environmental issues and wildlife conservation.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits both precise and imprecise use of vocabulary. There is clarity in the description of economic benefits and the impact of pollution on animal environments. However, some imprecise usage is observed, such as "poacher does everything," which could be refined for greater precision.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on expressing ideas in a concise and accurate manner. For example, instead of saying "poacher does everything," specify the actions or methods employed by poachers. Precision adds clarity and depth to the essay’s argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained, with a few exceptions. For instance, "precipitating" is spelled correctly, but there are instances of minor errors like "Example" instead of "For example" and "non realistic" instead of "unrealistic."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully. Pay attention to sentence structures, ensuring correct usage of transitional phrases like "For example." Additionally, consider using a spell-check tool to catch minor spelling errors that may have been overlooked.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in vocabulary use and spelling, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary, refining precision, and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can further enhance its lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. While the writer uses some complex sentences, there is a tendency to rely on simple structures. For instance, the repeated use of introductory phrases followed by simple sentences ("There are several reasons for human activities precipitating many animals teetering on the brink of extinction," "Another important reason is pollution environments," "There are some solutions for human activities precipitating many animals teetering on the brink of extinction") indicates a need for more variety in sentence structures.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex structures such as compound and complex sentences. For instance, combine related ideas into a single sentence, use varied sentence lengths, and experiment with different sentence structures to create a more engaging and sophisticated prose.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors. For instance, in the sentence "Thus, a poacher does everything to get the animals, killing them to get valuable parts," there is a lack of clarity regarding the referent of "them." The correct antecedent, "animals," is somewhat distant, leading to confusion. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas before introductory phrases and inconsistent use of capitalization.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to pronoun clarity and antecedent agreement. Review the use of commas, ensuring they are appropriately placed, especially before introductory phrases. Proofread the essay for consistent capitalization and punctuation usage. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to identify and correct specific errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates competency in grammatical range and accuracy but would benefit from a more diverse range of sentence structures and meticulous attention to grammar and punctuation details.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are several reasons why human activities are pushing many animals to the verge of extinction. The primary factor is the pursuit of significant economic gains through the trade in endangered animals. Consequently, poachers engage in various activities, such as slaughtering them to obtain valuable body parts. For instance, Javan rhinos were hunted for their horns, a highly valued commodity in traditional Asian medicine. This has led to the extinction of Javan rhinos in some countries, including Vietnam and Malaysia.

Another significant factor contributing to the precarious status of many animals is environmental pollution. This results in the death of marine creatures, including endangered species. For example, ocean dumping of municipal sewage sludge and industrial wastes poses a major threat to marine ecosystems, causing harm to sea creatures.

Several solutions address human activities that endanger animals on the brink of extinction. The first solution involves raising awareness among the public. This entails safeguarding animal habitats and dispelling myths regarding the unrealistic value of certain animals. For example, the rhino horn has no medicinal effects, nor does it contribute to beach cleanup initiatives.

The second solution involves implementing effective laws that prohibit the hunting of animals at risk of becoming endangered. Violators must face imprisonment and pay a substantial fine. For instance, in Vietnam, individuals engaged in illegal hunting face a 10-year imprisonment term and a fine of approximately one billion VND. These solutions aim to curb activities that contribute to the decline of animal species and promote their conservation.