Many animal species in the world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say we should concentrate more on problems of human beings. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The alarming decline in global animal specices has sparked a debate over whether countries and individuals should prioritise protecting animal lives or pay attention to human issues. While some advocate for animal conservation, I firmly believe that human concerns should take precedence. This essay will discuss the importance of allocating funding in human development while still acknowledging that conservation efforts to save animal lives is important, ultimately arguing that addressing human needs will be much more worthy.
On the one hand, international cooperation among nations and citizens is crucial in conserving endangered specices, as this act will directly bring positive outcomes on human well-being. Biodiversity is an indicator for a balanced natural environment, where all species co-exist and work together to maintain the health of the ecosystems. The loss of any species, such as bees, will be likely to significantly disrupt the availability of essential food sources like fruits, vegetables, and nuts, potentially leading to a risk of lacking vitamins and minerals among humans and a decline in their health. This underscores the need to conserve animal lives since it is closely linked to the overall life quality of human beings.
On the other hand, while it is crucial to conserve animal habitats and lives, I believe that funding in addressing human pressing issues is more likely to drive remarkable societal progress. As the central focus of social development, humans have the capacity to exert impact on a large scale across various sectors, including environmental and wildlife conservation. For example, allocating funds for education and scholarships in sustainable development will empower scholars to develop innovative solutions not only to protect animal lives like bees but also make breakthroughs in the national agricultural industry and economy. This approach not only supports conservation efforts but also result in much more efficient solutions for human problems compared to solely investing in preventing animals extinction.
In conclusion, while governments and people should take actions to conserve animal lives and protect the ecosystem health, I will argue that human issues are more deserving of attention. This strategy will ensure a large-scale impact on various fields, including animal conservation and remarked societal growth.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"alarming decline" -> "significant decline"
Explanation: "Alarming" may convey a sense of emotional urgency that is less suitable for academic writing. "Significant" is a more neutral and academically appropriate term that still conveys the importance of the issue.
"animal specices" -> "animal species"
Explanation: "Specices" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "species" for grammatical accuracy and professionalism.
"should prioritize protecting animal lives" -> "should prioritize the protection of animal lives"
Explanation: Adding "the protection of" clarifies the noun phrase and enhances the formal tone of the sentence.
"pay attention to human issues" -> "address human concerns"
Explanation: "Pay attention to" is somewhat informal and vague; "address" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"I firmly believe" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "I firmly believe" introduces a personal opinion, which is less suitable for academic writing. "It is evident" presents a more objective, fact-based assertion.
"allocating funding in human development" -> "allocating funds for human development"
Explanation: "In" is incorrectly used before "funding" in this context; "for" is the correct preposition to use with "funding" when referring to the purpose it serves.
"conserving endangered specices" -> "conserving endangered species"
Explanation: Corrects the typographical error in "specices" to "species" for grammatical accuracy.
"will be likely to significantly disrupt" -> "may significantly disrupt"
Explanation: "Will be likely to" is redundant; "may" is more precise and appropriate for expressing potential outcomes in academic writing.
"risk of lacking" -> "risk of a lack of"
Explanation: "Risk of lacking" is grammatically incorrect; "risk of a lack of" corrects this and maintains the formal tone.
"addressing human pressing issues" -> "addressing pressing human issues"
Explanation: Reordering the words improves the flow and clarity of the sentence, aligning with formal English usage.
"drive remarkable societal progress" -> "promote significant societal progress"
Explanation: "Drive" is somewhat informal and vague; "promote" is more precise and suitable for academic writing, and "significant" is preferred over "remarkable" for a more neutral tone.
"not only to protect animal lives like bees but also make breakthroughs" -> "not only to protect animal lives, such as those of bees, but also to achieve breakthroughs"
Explanation: Adding "such as those of bees" clarifies the reference and enhances the formality of the sentence. Also, "make breakthroughs" is less formal; "achieve breakthroughs" is more appropriate for academic writing.
"result in much more efficient solutions" -> "yield more effective solutions"
Explanation: "Result in" is somewhat informal and vague; "yield" is more precise and academically suitable, and "effective" is preferred over "efficient" in this context to emphasize the quality of the solutions.
"remarked societal growth" -> "remarkable societal growth"
Explanation: Corrects the typographical error in "remarked" to "remarkable" for grammatical accuracy and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding whether to prioritize animal conservation or human issues. The introduction clearly outlines the debate and presents the writer’s position. The first body paragraph discusses the importance of animal conservation and its direct benefits to human well-being, while the second body paragraph emphasizes the need to prioritize human issues for broader societal progress. This balanced discussion demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could provide more specific examples of human issues that require urgent attention, such as poverty, healthcare, or education. This would strengthen the argument for prioritizing human concerns and provide a clearer contrast to the discussion of animal conservation.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that human concerns should take precedence over animal conservation. This stance is consistently reflected in the argumentation and conclusion. The writer effectively uses phrases like "I firmly believe" and "I will argue" to reinforce their viewpoint. However, there are moments where the language could be more assertive, particularly in the conclusion, where the phrasing "I will argue" could be replaced with a more definitive statement.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should ensure that the conclusion succinctly reiterates their stance without hedging. Using stronger language in the conclusion can help solidify the argument and leave a more impactful impression on the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of how biodiversity affects human health and the potential benefits of investing in human development. The examples provided, such as the impact of bees on food sources and the role of education in sustainable development, are relevant and illustrate the points effectively. However, some ideas could be further developed, particularly the connection between human development and animal conservation.
- How to improve: The writer could enhance the essay by providing additional examples or data to support claims, such as statistics on the economic benefits of biodiversity or case studies of successful conservation efforts that also benefited human communities. This would add depth to the argument and demonstrate a more thorough exploration of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the prompt’s requirements without deviating into unrelated areas. Each paragraph contributes to the overall argument, and the writer consistently ties back to the central theme of prioritizing human issues over animal conservation.
- How to improve: While the essay is largely on topic, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the prompt. For instance, in discussing the benefits of human development, it would be useful to explicitly connect how these developments could also aid in animal conservation efforts, thereby reinforcing the interrelatedness of the two issues.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By incorporating more specific examples, strengthening the conclusion, and further developing connections between human and animal concerns, the writer could elevate their score even higher.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the debate and the author’s stance. Each paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint, with the first focusing on the importance of animal conservation and the second emphasizing human issues. However, the logical progression could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing animal conservation to human issues lacks a clear link that ties the two arguments together cohesively. The conclusion reiterates the main points but could better synthesize the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the importance of biodiversity, you could introduce the next paragraph with a sentence that highlights how these conservation efforts relate to human development. Additionally, a more explicit summary of how both perspectives can coexist in the conclusion would strengthen the overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph is focused on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing solely on the importance of animal conservation and the other on the argument for prioritizing human issues. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each viewpoint.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For example, the first paragraph could start with a sentence that clearly states the importance of animal conservation before delving into specific examples. This would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader and enhance the overall clarity of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to delineate contrasting viewpoints. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" could be employed to connect sentences and ideas more fluidly.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating different linking words and phrases that indicate relationships between ideas. For example, when transitioning from discussing the impact of biodiversity on human health to the need for human-focused funding, you could use "Moreover" to indicate that the argument is building upon the previous point. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately and do not disrupt the flow of the argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the quality of the writing and potentially improve the coherence and cohesion score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, with terms like "alarming decline," "biodiversity," "conservation," and "sustainable development." These words effectively convey the complexity of the issue and show an understanding of the subject matter. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "human concerns" is repeated, which could be substituted with synonyms like "human issues" or "human welfare" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "important," alternatives such as "crucial," "vital," or "essential" could be employed to enrich the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "the availability of essential food sources like fruits, vegetables, and nuts" could be more precisely stated as "the availability of essential crops," as this encompasses a broader range of food sources. Additionally, "result in much more efficient solutions" could be refined to "yield more effective solutions," which conveys a clearer meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should review their word choices and consider whether there are more accurate terms available. Utilizing a thesaurus can help identify synonyms that convey the intended meaning more clearly. Furthermore, practicing paraphrasing sentences can aid in developing a more precise vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "specices" instead of "species" and "prioritise" (which is correct in British English but could be noted if the essay is intended for an audience expecting American English). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly reading it aloud to catch mistakes. Additionally, using spell-check tools or writing practice exercises focused on commonly misspelled words can be beneficial. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can also help reinforce correct spelling.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with room for improvement in variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, conditional clauses, and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "while some advocate for animal conservation" and "as the central focus of social development" show an ability to use subordinate clauses effectively. However, there is a tendency to rely on similar structures, particularly in the opening and concluding sentences, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more diverse introductory phrases and varying the placement of clauses. For example, instead of starting several sentences with "I believe that," try using different structures such as "It is my opinion that" or "From my perspective." Additionally, using more varied transition phrases can help create a smoother flow and maintain reader engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "specices" should be corrected to "species," and "result in much more efficient solutions for human problems compared to solely investing in preventing animals extinction" should be revised to "compared to solely investing in preventing animal extinction." These errors indicate a need for careful proofreading. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "while still acknowledging" in the introduction.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly confused words (e.g., "species" vs. "specices") and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Additionally, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences will help clarify meaning and improve readability. Consider reviewing grammar rules related to plural nouns and the use of conjunctions to strengthen sentence construction.

Overall, the essay presents a clear argument and effectively discusses both views, but enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The alarming decline in global animal species has sparked a debate over whether countries and individuals should prioritize the protection of animal lives or focus on human issues. While some advocate for animal conservation, I firmly believe that human concerns should take precedence. This essay will discuss the importance of allocating funds for human development while still acknowledging that conservation efforts to save animal lives are important, ultimately arguing that addressing human needs will yield more effective solutions.

On the one hand, international cooperation among nations and citizens is crucial in conserving endangered species, as this effort will directly bring positive outcomes for human well-being. Biodiversity is an indicator of a balanced natural environment, where all species coexist and work together to maintain the health of ecosystems. The loss of any species, such as bees, may significantly disrupt the availability of essential food sources like fruits, vegetables, and nuts, potentially leading to a risk of a lack of vitamins and minerals among humans and a decline in their health. This underscores the need to conserve animal lives since it is closely linked to the overall quality of life for human beings.

On the other hand, while it is crucial to conserve animal habitats and lives, I believe that funding to address pressing human issues is more likely to promote significant societal progress. As the central focus of social development, humans have the capacity to exert a large-scale impact across various sectors, including environmental and wildlife conservation. For example, allocating funds for education and scholarships in sustainable development will empower scholars to develop innovative solutions not only to protect animal lives, such as those of bees, but also to achieve breakthroughs in the national agricultural industry and economy. This approach not only supports conservation efforts but also results in much more effective solutions for human problems compared to solely investing in preventing animal extinction.

In conclusion, while governments and individuals should take action to conserve animal lives and protect ecosystem health, I argue that human issues are more deserving of attention. This strategy will ensure a large-scale impact on various fields, including animal conservation and remarkable societal growth.