fbpx

Many believe that the best way to ensure a happier society is to reduce the difference in income earnings between the rich and poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many believe that the best way to ensure a happier society is to reduce the difference in income earnings between the rich and poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

One school of thought holds that balancing the income earnings of the rich and poor is the best way to ensure a more engaging society. I disagree with this thinking.
On the one hand, advocates of mitigating the earnings difference might argue that this could increase the reputation of the poor. All individuals are given a fair amount of money which, they say, could help the poor to feel less marginalized with other people, fostering a sense of respect and equality. This strategy could be seen in developing countries, where all people are given fair wages across different job positons, contributing to elevating the economic status of the residents. However, being treated equally as manual labourers could raise objection of those who have to work extra hours or deal with high-demanding positions. Thus, this approach might not be the best way to embrace a happier society.
The notion against paying all employees equally is further strengthened by the potential imbalance in the job market. Intellectual workers might raise an offended feeling towards those who do not have an educational status, which could often be seen in office workers. This could help arise the deprivation of many scientific positions, with people moving to less complicated work. Worse still, individuals might experience a lack of motivation and engagement. People would be equally paid anyways; therefore, it should not matter if individuals do not contribute so hard as they are intended to do. This could result in the shallow or minimal effort from most people in doing their job, potentially leading to the decline in productivity and overall growth of a nation.
In conclusion, while mitigating the difference in earnings of the poor and rich employees might be a good method to foster happiness in society, it could be narrow-minded to believe that this is the best way to do so. This viewpoint could embrace an imbalance in job positions, and less valuable products of discouraged employees.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "balancing the income earnings" -> "equalizing income levels"
    Explanation: "Equalizing income levels" is a more precise and formal term that directly addresses the intended meaning of balancing income, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  2. "the best way to ensure a more engaging society" -> "the most effective means of fostering a more cohesive society"
    Explanation: "Fostering a more cohesive society" is a more precise and formal expression than "a more engaging society," which is vague and less commonly used in academic discourse.

  3. "I disagree with this thinking" -> "I disagree with this perspective"
    Explanation: "Perspective" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "thinking," which is too informal for academic writing.

  4. "might argue" -> "might contend"
    Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal synonym for "argue," aligning better with the academic style of the essay.

  5. "All individuals are given a fair amount of money" -> "All individuals are allocated a fair amount of compensation"
    Explanation: "Allocated a fair amount of compensation" is more specific and formal, replacing the vague "money" with "compensation," which is more appropriate in a formal context.

  6. "feel less marginalized with other people" -> "feel less marginalized by others"
    Explanation: "By others" is grammatically correct and more precise than "with other people," which is awkward and informal in this context.

  7. "fair wages across different job positons" -> "equitable wages across various job positions"
    Explanation: "Equitable wages" is a more precise term than "fair wages," and "various" is more formal than "different" in this context.

  8. "being treated equally as manual labourers" -> "being treated equally as manual laborers"
    Explanation: "Laborers" is the correct American English spelling, which is more commonly used in formal and academic writing than "labourers," which is British English.

  9. "raise an offended feeling" -> "express offense"
    Explanation: "Express offense" is a more formal and precise way to describe the emotional response, avoiding the awkward and informal "raise an offended feeling."

  10. "help arise the deprivation" -> "contribute to the deprivation"
    Explanation: "Contribute to the deprivation" is grammatically correct and clearer than "help arise the deprivation," which is awkward and incorrect.

  11. "People would be equally paid anyways" -> "Individuals would be equally compensated regardless"
    Explanation: "Compensated regardless" is more formal and precise than "paid anyways," which is informal and lacks the necessary formality for academic writing.

  12. "do not contribute so hard as they are intended to do" -> "do not contribute as much as they are expected to"
    Explanation: "Do not contribute as much as they are expected to" is a more formal and clear expression, avoiding the colloquial "so hard" and the awkward construction "as they are intended to do."

  13. "less valuable products of discouraged employees" -> "inferior products from discouraged employees"
    Explanation: "Inferior products from discouraged employees" is a more precise and formal way to describe the impact of discouraged employees on productivity, replacing the vague and informal "less valuable products."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the belief that reducing income differences could lead to a happier society. The writer presents a clear disagreement with this notion, which is a strong point. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees. The introduction states a disagreement, but the body paragraphs primarily focus on the negative consequences of income equality without adequately discussing any potential benefits or acknowledging the complexity of the issue.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state the degree of agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, incorporating a brief acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint or potential benefits of reducing income disparity would provide a more balanced perspective, which is essential for fully addressing the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea of equal income distribution. This is evident in the consistent use of phrases like "I disagree" and the focus on the drawbacks of such an approach. However, the position could be more strongly reinforced by ensuring that all arguments directly relate back to the central thesis.
    • How to improve: The writer should consistently link each point back to the main argument. For instance, when discussing the potential negative impacts on motivation and productivity, explicitly connect these points to the overarching claim that income equality may not lead to a happier society. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases that reiterate the main argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the potential for decreased motivation and the imbalance in the job market. These ideas are generally well-developed, particularly the argument regarding the impact on productivity. However, some points could be elaborated further. For example, the mention of "manual labourers" and "intellectual workers" could include specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more concrete examples or data to support claims. This could involve citing studies or real-world examples that illustrate the consequences of income equality on motivation and job satisfaction. Additionally, expanding on the implications of these arguments would enhance the overall depth of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of reducing income differences. However, there are moments where the discussion could veer slightly off-course, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the focus on "intellectual workers" could be more clearly tied back to the main argument about societal happiness.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. This can be achieved by regularly referring back to the question of happiness in society and explicitly stating how each argument contributes to this theme. Additionally, creating a clear outline before writing could help in structuring the essay more effectively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a clear position, there are opportunities for improvement in addressing all aspects of the question, reinforcing the main argument, supporting ideas with evidence, and maintaining focus throughout the discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the idea that reducing income disparity is the best way to create a happier society. The introduction outlines the writer’s stance effectively, and the body paragraphs are structured to support this viewpoint. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the potential benefits of equal pay for the poor, while the second body paragraph counters this by highlighting the negative implications for the job market and employee motivation. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; the connection between the arguments could be more explicitly stated to enhance logical flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In contrast," "Moreover") can help to guide the reader through the argument and clarify the relationships between different points.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, which aids in readability. However, the body paragraphs could be further developed to ensure that each point is fully explored and supported with examples or evidence.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each body paragraph contains a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details. Consider expanding on the examples provided, such as elaborating on the implications of reduced motivation in the workforce or providing real-world examples of countries that have attempted similar policies. This will not only strengthen the argument but also provide a more comprehensive discussion.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand," "however," and "in conclusion," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "This could help arise the deprivation of many scientific positions" lacks clarity and could benefit from a more precise cohesive device to link it back to the previous argument.
    • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "consequently," "as a result," "in addition," "for instance"). Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device used clearly relates to the preceding or following statement to enhance clarity. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can also help in becoming more comfortable with their application.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on improving logical organization, developing paragraphs more thoroughly, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, such as "mitigating," "marginalized," and "intellectual workers." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks variety. For example, the term "poor" is used multiple times without synonyms or variations, which could enhance the richness of the language.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "poor," you could use "underprivileged," "disadvantaged," or "low-income individuals." Additionally, using more varied adjectives and adverbs can help to create a more engaging narrative.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are notable instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the reputation of the poor" is somewhat unclear; it could be interpreted in various ways. Additionally, the phrase "high-demanding positions" should be more accurately phrased as "high-demand positions" or "demanding positions."
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, it is essential to ensure that the vocabulary accurately conveys the intended meaning. Consider revising unclear phrases and opting for more straightforward expressions. For example, instead of "an offended feeling," you might say "resentment" or "discontent." This will help clarify your arguments and make them more impactful.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "positons" (should be "positions") and "high-demanding" (should be "high-demand"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to misunderstandings.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling commonly used academic vocabulary can further enhance accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, improvements can be made in the areas of vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "This could result in" showcases an ability to connect ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting several sentences with "This could" or "Individuals might," which limits the overall range.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using more introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "This could," you might use participial phrases or adverbial clauses, such as "By implementing this strategy," or "While some may argue that." Additionally, incorporating more varied sentence lengths can create a more engaging rhythm in writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "the reputation of the poor" is somewhat awkward and could be better articulated. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "the potential imbalance in the job market," where the sentence could be clearer if rephrased. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, also affect readability. For instance, "Worse still, individuals might experience a lack of motivation and engagement" could benefit from a clearer structure to separate ideas more effectively.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on reviewing subject-verb agreement and ensuring that all clauses are properly connected. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on complex sentences, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors, especially in longer sentences, will help enhance clarity. Consider reading the essay aloud to identify awkward phrases or run-on sentences that may need restructuring.

By addressing these areas, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

One school of thought holds that equalizing income levels between the rich and poor is the most effective means of fostering a more cohesive society. I disagree with this perspective.

On the one hand, advocates of reducing the earnings gap might contend that this could enhance the status of the poor. They argue that if all individuals are allocated a fair amount of compensation, it could help the less fortunate feel less marginalized by others, thus fostering a sense of respect and equality. This strategy can be observed in developing countries, where equitable wages across various job positions contribute to elevating the economic status of residents. However, being treated equally as manual laborers might raise objections from those who work extra hours or hold high-demanding positions. Thus, this approach might not be the best way to cultivate a happier society.

The argument against paying all employees equally is further strengthened by the potential imbalance in the job market. Intellectual workers might express offense towards those who lack educational qualifications, which is often seen among office workers. This could contribute to the deprivation of many scientific positions, as individuals may choose to move to less complex roles. Worse still, a lack of motivation and engagement could arise. If individuals are compensated equally regardless of their effort, it may lead to a situation where many do not contribute as much as they are expected to. This could result in inferior products from discouraged employees, potentially leading to a decline in productivity and overall growth of a nation.

In conclusion, while reducing the difference in earnings between the poor and rich might seem like a good method to foster happiness in society, it could be narrow-minded to believe that this is the best way to achieve it. This viewpoint could create an imbalance in job positions and result in less valuable contributions from unmotivated employees.

Bài viết liên quan

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT

Lưu ý

Sắp bảo trì server

Để đảm bảo tính ổn định của web, web sẽ thực hiện backup dữ liệu hàng ngày từ 3h-3h30 sáng

Rất mong quý thầy cô và học viên thông cảm vì bất tiện này