Many children spend too much time on computers. What problems can this cause? What can be the solutions?

Many children spend too much time on computers.
What problems can this cause? What can be the solutions?

There is an increase of spending too much time on computer in children. This can produce some detrimental effects, which requires possible solution to be adopted
There are many issues stemming from spending excessive hours on the computer. One obvious problem is that if children immerse in using computer for many recreational purposes they can have less time to do important activities. This can lead to the sedentary lifestyle, and therefore children can face risks of lack of physical activities, which can result in the increase of obesity and related health issues. Another negative effect is that by using computer in order to get access to information,children can face with online safety risks, because children can be exposed to inapproriate contents and suffer from cyberbullying, which can cause stress and affect mental improvement. For instance, it is believed that when children receive inacurate information, they can have misconception and false belief, which can make children demonstrate aggressive behavior.
Despite these problems, various actions can be taken to mitigate the situation. The first possible measure is that school should create propagada and launch awareness-raising campaign in order to educate children about health associated with techological addiction such as eyesight issues, obesety, and other cardiovascular diseases. Thus, children can be encouraged to be health- concious citizens, which can help them to break their bad habit and spend more times to do other activities instead of using computers. The second approach is that parents should restrict the time using computer and carefully monitor approriate content, and therefore, children can be prevented from inappropriate content. Due to exposure to suitable information, children can maintan a balanced mindset.
In conclusion, although excessive screentime can give rise to many consequences, several step can be taken to combat the situations

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "There is an increase of spending too much time on computer in children." -> "There is an increasing trend among children to spend excessive time on computers."
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammar and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.

2. "This can produce some detrimental effects, which requires possible solution to be adopted" -> "This can produce several detrimental effects, which necessitate the adoption of possible solutions"
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and vague. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, enhancing the formality and precision.

3. "One obvious problem is that if children immerse in using computer for many recreational purposes they can have less time to do important activities." -> "One obvious problem is that if children immerse themselves in using computers for numerous recreational purposes, they may have less time for important activities."
   Explanation: The original sentence is awkwardly phrased and lacks clarity. The revision improves the sentence structure and adds precision, making it more formal and clear.

4. "This can lead to the sedentary lifestyle, and therefore children can face risks of lack of physical activities, which can result in the increase of obesity and related health issues." -> "This can lead to a sedentary lifestyle, thereby increasing the risk of a lack of physical activity, which may contribute to obesity and related health issues."
   Explanation: The original sentence is verbose and awkwardly structured. The revision simplifies and clarifies the sentence, improving readability and formality.

5. "by using computer in order to get access to information,children can face with online safety risks" -> "by accessing information through computers, children may face online safety risks"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and simplifies the structure, making it more direct and formal.

6. "because children can be exposed to inapproriate contents and suffer from cyberbullying" -> "because children may be exposed to inappropriate content and suffer from cyberbullying"
   Explanation: The original text contains a typographical error ("inapproriate") and is informal. The correction addresses these issues and enhances the formality of the language.

7. "which can cause stress and affect mental improvement" -> "which can cause stress and potentially hinder mental development"
   Explanation: The original phrase is vague and imprecise. The revision specifies the impact on mental development, enhancing the academic tone and clarity.

8. "it is believed that when children receive inacurate information, they can have misconception and false belief" -> "it is believed that when children receive inaccurate information, they may develop misconceptions and false beliefs"
   Explanation: The original text contains a typographical error ("inacurate") and is grammatically awkward. The revision corrects these issues and uses more precise language.

9. "propagada" -> "propaganda"
   Explanation: This is a typographical error. Correcting it to "propaganda" ensures accuracy and professionalism in the text.

10. "launch awareness-raising campaign" -> "launch awareness campaigns"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects the grammar and makes the phrase more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

11. "health- concious citizens" -> "health-conscious citizens"
    Explanation: This is a typographical error. Correcting it to "health-conscious" maintains the intended meaning and enhances the professionalism of the text.

12. "spend more times to do other activities" -> "spend more time engaging in other activities"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and improves the flow of the sentence.

13. "Due to exposure to suitable information, children can maintan a balanced mindset." -> "Through exposure to suitable information, children can maintain a balanced mindset."
    Explanation: The original text contains a typographical error ("maintan") and is grammatically awkward. The revision corrects these issues and improves the formality and clarity of the sentence.

14. "several step can be taken" -> "several steps can be taken"
    Explanation: This is a typographical error. Correcting it to "steps" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains the formal tone of the text.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the problems caused by excessive computer use among children and proposing potential solutions. The problems identified include a sedentary lifestyle leading to obesity and online safety risks such as exposure to inappropriate content and cyberbullying. The solutions suggested include educational campaigns in schools and parental restrictions on computer use. However, while the essay identifies relevant issues and solutions, it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of each aspect. For instance, the mention of "cyberbullying" could be expanded to include specific strategies for prevention.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each problem is matched with a corresponding solution, providing a clearer connection between the two. Additionally, elaborating on the solutions with specific examples or case studies would strengthen the argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the issues.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the negative impacts of excessive computer use and the need for solutions. However, the introduction could be more assertive in stating the writer’s stance. Phrases like "this can produce some detrimental effects" could be more direct, such as "this leads to significant detrimental effects." The conclusion reiterates the problems and solutions but lacks a strong summary statement that reinforces the writer’s position.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should use definitive language throughout the essay. Additionally, a more impactful conclusion that succinctly summarizes the main points and reinforces the urgency of addressing the issues would enhance the overall position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several relevant ideas, such as the health risks associated with a sedentary lifestyle and the dangers of online content. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For example, the discussion on "misconception and false belief" lacks depth and could benefit from specific examples or research findings to support the claims made. The solutions, while relevant, also need more elaboration to demonstrate their effectiveness.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. Incorporating statistics, studies, or expert opinions would lend credibility to the arguments and help to extend the ideas presented.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the issues related to children’s excessive computer use and proposing solutions. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, such as the introduction of "health associated with technological addiction," which could be more clearly linked to the main topic. Additionally, the phrase "demonstrate aggressive behavior" seems somewhat disconnected from the main argument about computer use.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. It may be helpful to outline the main ideas before writing to ensure that all content remains relevant and on topic. Regularly referring back to the prompt while drafting can also help maintain clarity and relevance.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis, clarity of position, and development of supporting details.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing problems, and proposed solutions. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the problems of excessive computer use to the solutions is somewhat abrupt. The problems are introduced well, but the connection to the solutions could be more explicit. The essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the thesis statement. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "In addition," "Furthermore," or "On the other hand," can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. For example, after discussing the problems, a transition like "To address these issues, several solutions can be implemented" would create a clearer connection to the next section.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. However, some paragraphs are overly long and contain multiple ideas that could be split for clarity. For instance, the paragraph discussing problems combines several distinct issues (sedentary lifestyle and online safety risks) without clear separation, which can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: Aim to keep each paragraph focused on a single main idea. For instance, consider creating one paragraph for the health-related problems of excessive computer use and another for the online safety risks. This will help maintain clarity and allow for deeper exploration of each issue. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear concluding sentence that summarizes the main point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "despite these problems" and "for instance," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For example, the phrase "children can" appears multiple times, which can detract from the overall cohesion of the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "therefore," "consequently," "in contrast," and "as a result." Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help reduce repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly stating "children can," you might use "they" or "youngsters" in subsequent mentions. This will enhance the fluidity of the writing and improve overall coherence.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to an improved band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of children and computer usage. Phrases such as "detrimental effects," "sedentary lifestyle," and "cyberbullying" indicate a reasonable range. However, the vocabulary is often repetitive, with terms like "children" and "computer" appearing frequently without sufficient variation. For example, the phrase "spending too much time on computer" could be rephrased to "excessive screen time" or "prolonged computer use" to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "children," alternatives like "youngsters," "youth," or "minors" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "digital devices" instead of "computer" would add variety.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "face with online safety risks" is awkward and incorrect; it should be "face online safety risks." Additionally, "inapproriate contents" should be corrected to "inappropriate content," as "content" is an uncountable noun in this context. The use of "propagada" is also incorrect; the intended word is "propaganda." Such inaccuracies can confuse the reader and detract from the overall clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch errors and ensure that the correct terms are used. Utilizing a thesaurus can help find more accurate words, but it is crucial to understand the context in which they are used. Additionally, practicing writing with a focus on clarity and correctness will help improve precision over time.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact its overall quality. For instance, "inacurate" should be "inaccurate," "techological" should be "technological," "obesety" should be "obesity," and "maintan" should be "maintain." Such errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or using spell-check tools can help catch errors before submission. Reading more extensively can also reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and attempts to use varied vocabulary, improvements in range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences like "There are many issues stemming from spending excessive hours on the computer" are used effectively, but the essay relies heavily on similar structures throughout. The use of complex sentences is present, such as "This can lead to the sedentary lifestyle, and therefore children can face risks of lack of physical activities," but they often lack variety and can be cumbersome. The essay could benefit from more varied sentence beginnings and structures to enhance fluency and coherence.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Incorporating introductory phrases, clauses, and varied conjunctions can help. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This can" or "Another negative effect is," the writer could use phrases like "In addition to this," or "Furthermore," to create a smoother flow and more engaging writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, "There is an increase of spending too much time on computer in children" should be "There is an increase in the amount of time children spend on computers." Additionally, phrases like "children can face with online safety risks" are incorrect; it should be "children can face online safety risks." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in "because children can be exposed to inapproriate contents and suffer from cyberbullying," which should read "because children can be exposed to inappropriate content and suffer from cyberbullying."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, preposition usage, and article usage. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on writing can help identify and correct recurring mistakes. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation, especially in complex sentences, will help improve clarity and readability. Reading more academic texts can also provide models for correct grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas and arguments, improving the variety of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the writing quality and potentially increase the band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is an increasing trend of children spending too much time on computers. This can produce several detrimental effects, which necessitate the adoption of possible solutions.

There are many issues stemming from spending excessive hours on the computer. One obvious problem is that if children immerse themselves in using computers for many recreational purposes, they may have less time for important activities. This can lead to a sedentary lifestyle, thereby increasing the risk of a lack of physical activity, which may contribute to obesity and related health issues. Another negative effect is that by using computers to access information, children may face online safety risks because they can be exposed to inappropriate content and suffer from cyberbullying, which can cause stress and potentially hinder mental development. For instance, it is believed that when children receive inaccurate information, they may develop misconceptions and false beliefs, which can lead to aggressive behavior.

Despite these problems, various actions can be taken to mitigate the situation. The first possible measure is that schools should create propaganda and launch awareness-raising campaigns to educate children about health issues associated with technological addiction, such as eyesight problems, obesity, and other cardiovascular diseases. Thus, children can be encouraged to become health-conscious citizens, which can help them break their bad habits and spend more time engaging in other activities instead of using computers. The second approach is that parents should restrict computer usage time and carefully monitor appropriate content, thereby preventing children from encountering inappropriate material. Through exposure to suitable information, children can maintain a balanced mindset.

In conclusion, although excessive screen time can give rise to many consequences, several steps can be taken to combat the situation.