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Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?

Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic
development, but some important social values are lost as a result.
Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?

The living standard in numerous nations is aimed to be enhanced by financial innovation, resulting in the shortage of some vital social values. While there might some benefits to the infrastructure of the country and the fulfillment of physical demands of people, I believe that the loss of both cultural aspects and people’s bonding will be more harmful.
On the one hand, economic enhancement will assist the government’s budget. In other words, the country could allocate financial resources to repair the old facilities and build more placements that are helpful for their residents. For instance, in recent years, the Chinese government imposes a policy which is focusing on the national economy so that the country would be able to boost the people’s lives with a large number of complexities such as shopping malls, hotels and hospitals. Moverover, if the local people have the better financial ability, they could meet their physical needs and the satisfaction in the ordinary lives could be made.
On the other hand, if the government only focus on the national economic system, it would impose detrimental impacts on the traditions and the connection between people. There would be lack of cultural values and the preserving of traditional destinations might not be guaranteed. In the long term, it would affect the people’s awareness about the culture of their own nation such as the scarcity of knowledge and the inability to spread out the nation’s beauty. In addition, the abandoning of promoting education and people’s relationship would make the collaboration between individuals become less effective, resulting in the separation in the country and the disobeying of natives. This could lead to the surge of crimes and other potential problems.
In conclusion, despite the pros that economic improvement brings to the facilities of the nation, I maintain that the negative effects it causes to the culture and the relationship between people are considerably higher. In my opinion, countries should make a combination of both educational enhancement and economic innovation in order to raise the living standard.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "aimed to be enhanced" -> "intended to be improved"
    Explanation: Replacing "aimed to be enhanced" with "intended to be improved" conveys the idea more precisely and uses a more formal expression, aligning with academic style.

  2. "shortage of some vital social values" -> "diminishment of essential societal values"
    Explanation: "Shortage" is a bit informal; substituting it with "diminishment" maintains formality. Additionally, "vital social values" is refined to "essential societal values" for a more academic tone.

  3. "there might some benefits" -> "there might be some benefits"
    Explanation: Adding "be" after "might" corrects the grammatical structure, making it more formal and academically appropriate.

  4. "bonding" -> "social cohesion"
    Explanation: Replacing "bonding" with "social cohesion" provides a more precise and formal term for the connection between people in a societal context.

  5. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: "On the one hand" is slightly informal; replacing it with "Firstly" maintains the structure while adhering to a more formal tone.

  6. "For instance" -> "For example"
    Explanation: "For instance" is more informal; using "For example" is a subtle change that aligns better with academic writing standards.

  7. "imposes a policy" -> "implements a policy"
    Explanation: "Imposes" might carry a negative connotation; replacing it with "implements" is more neutral and formal.

  8. "a large number of complexities" -> "various complexities"
    Explanation: "A large number of complexities" can be simplified to "various complexities" without losing meaning, and it sounds more formal.

  9. "Moverover" -> "Moreover"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling to "Moreover" ensures the usage of the appropriate transitional word in a formal context.

  10. "if the government only focus" -> "if the government focuses solely"
    Explanation: Adjusting the structure for better grammar and formality, using "focuses solely" instead of "only focus."

  11. "impose detrimental impacts" -> "have detrimental impacts"
    Explanation: Restructuring to "have detrimental impacts" improves the grammatical structure and maintains formality.

  12. "preserving of traditional destinations" -> "preservation of traditional landmarks"
    Explanation: Changing "preserving of traditional destinations" to "preservation of traditional landmarks" enhances clarity and formal language.

  13. "the abandoning of promoting education" -> "the neglect of promoting education"
    Explanation: Substituting "abandoning" with "neglect" and rephrasing improves the formality and precision of the sentence.

  14. "the surge of crimes" -> "an increase in criminal activities"
    Explanation: "Surge" is slightly informal; replacing it with "an increase in criminal activities" maintains formality while providing clarity.

  15. "In conclusion" -> "To conclude"
    Explanation: "In conclusion" is a common phrase, but "To conclude" offers a slightly more formal variation.

  16. "I maintain that" -> "I contend that"
    Explanation: Using "I contend that" instead of "I maintain that" adds a touch of formality to the expression of the writer’s opinion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "While there might some benefits to the infrastructure of the country and the fulfillment of physical demands of people, I believe that the loss of both cultural aspects and people’s bonding will be more harmful."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction presents a clear position on the topic, acknowledging both sides of the argument. However, it could benefit from a more concise expression. The phrase "loss of both cultural aspects and people’s bonding will be more harmful" is somewhat vague. To enhance clarity, specify which cultural aspects are at risk and provide a brief preview of the main ideas you will discuss in the essay. For example, you can mention specific cultural values or traditions that may be affected.
    • Improved example: "While economic development contributes to improved infrastructure and fulfills people’s physical needs, the potential erosion of cultural values, such as traditions and social bonds, raises concerns. In this essay, I will delve into the specific cultural aspects that might be at risk and explore the implications of these changes."
  2. Quoted text: "In other words, the country could allocate financial resources to repair the old facilities and build more placements that are helpful for their residents."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The idea presented here is relevant, addressing the benefits of economic development. However, the expression could be more concise for a stronger impact. Consider refining the sentence for clarity and coherence. Additionally, provide a specific example or detail to support your point and make your argument more convincing.
    • Improved example: "In essence, economic progress enables countries to allocate funds for the renovation of existing infrastructure and the construction of new facilities beneficial to their residents. For instance, governments may invest in upgrading outdated transportation systems or developing healthcare facilities, directly impacting the citizens’ well-being."
  3. Quoted text: "There would be lack of cultural values and the preserving of traditional destinations might not be guaranteed."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The point raised regarding the potential loss of cultural values is valid. However, the expression could be refined for greater precision. Instead of stating a "lack of cultural values," specify which values are at risk and elaborate on how economic development might impact the preservation of traditional destinations. Provide concrete examples to illustrate your point and strengthen your argument.
    • Improved example: "Specific cultural values, such as heritage and customs, may face the risk of neglect, and the preservation of traditional destinations, like historical sites or cultural landmarks, might be jeopardized. For instance, rapid urbanization driven by economic growth could lead to the neglect of historical areas, impacting the nation’s cultural identity."

Overall, the essay presents a generally clear position and addresses both sides of the argument. To improve, focus on refining expressions for clarity, coherence, and specificity. Additionally, providing concrete examples will enhance the depth of your argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to present a coherent argument but exhibits inconsistencies in cohesion and organization. The overall progression is fairly clear, with distinct paragraphs addressing different aspects of the topic. It uses cohesive devices effectively in some instances but lacks consistency, resulting in occasional faulty or mechanical cohesion between sentences. The essay’s structure contributes to an understandable flow of ideas, but there are instances where the use of referencing and paragraphing could be more logically executed.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesive Devices Consistency: Ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay, establishing logical connections between sentences and ideas.
  2. Clear Referencing and Paragraphing: Work on more effective referencing within and between sentences to strengthen the connectivity of ideas. Ensure each paragraph maintains a clear central topic, enhancing logical progression.
  3. Balance of Ideas: While addressing both sides of the argument, strive for a more balanced exploration of the advantages and disadvantages of economic development on social values, supporting each viewpoint with balanced evidence.

Maintaining a consistent and clear structure, while balancing cohesive devices and logical progression, will greatly enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing some flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. The writer effectively conveys ideas using a mix of common and less common vocabulary. However, occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, impacting the overall lexical resource.

The essay includes examples of less common lexical items, such as "infrastructure," "complexities," and "collaboration," contributing to the overall range of vocabulary. There is an effort to convey precise meanings, especially in discussing the impact of economic development on cultural values and social connections.

Despite these strengths, occasional errors are evident, such as "Moverover" instead of "Moreover" and "impose" instead of "imposing." Additionally, there are issues with word formation, as seen in "financial innovation" where "economic development" might have been more appropriate. These errors, while not severely affecting communication, do impact the overall accuracy.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource, the writer should focus on minimizing errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation. Careful proofreading and consideration of appropriate vocabulary for specific contexts can enhance the overall precision and sophistication of language use. Additionally, the writer can further expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more diverse and contextually relevant terms.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. While there is an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and instances of awkward phrasing that hinder overall clarity. There is some control over grammar and punctuation, but errors are present and, at times, may affect communication. The essay contains both accurate and inaccurate structures, contributing to a moderate level of grammatical range and accuracy.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar Review: The writer should review grammar rules and focus on areas where errors are prevalent, such as subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency.
  2. Sentence Structure: Work on enhancing the complexity of sentence structures to achieve a higher band score. Introduce a greater variety of sentence types and ensure they are used correctly.
  3. Proofreading: Careful proofreading is essential to catch and rectify errors. Attention to punctuation, sentence structure, and overall coherence will contribute to a more polished essay.

This essay shows promise but needs refinement to achieve a higher band score, primarily through more accurate and varied use of sentence structures.

Bài sửa mẫu

The objective of enhancing the living standard in many nations often involves financial progress, which may lead to the diminishment of some crucial social values. While there might be some benefits to the country’s infrastructure and meeting the basic needs of the people, I contend that the adverse effects on cultural aspects and interpersonal bonds outweigh the advantages.

Firstly, economic advancement can contribute to bolstering the government’s budget. This enables the allocation of financial resources to repair aging facilities and construct new amenities beneficial to the residents. For example, in recent years, the Chinese government implemented a policy concentrating on national economic growth, resulting in the development of various complexes such as shopping malls, hotels, and hospitals. Moreover, improved financial capabilities among the local populace enable them to fulfill their physical needs, enhancing satisfaction in their daily lives.

However, if the government solely focuses on the national economy, detrimental impacts on traditions and interpersonal connections may ensue. The potential loss of cultural values and the neglect of preserving traditional landmarks could be inevitable. This long-term consequence may affect people’s awareness of their own culture, leading to a lack of knowledge and an inability to showcase the nation’s beauty. Additionally, the negligence of promoting education and fostering relationships might render collaborations less effective, fostering separation within the country and disobedience among natives. Such conditions could contribute to an increase in criminal activities and other potential problems.

To conclude, despite the positive aspects that economic improvement brings to the nation’s infrastructure, I maintain that the negative consequences it inflicts on culture and interpersonal relationships are significantly more pronounced. In my opinion, countries should strike a balance by combining educational enhancement with economic innovation to effectively elevate the overall living standard.

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