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Many customs and traditional ways of behavior are no longer relevant to modern life and not worth keeping. Do you agree or disagree?

Many customs and traditional ways of behavior are no longer relevant to modern life and not worth keeping. Do you agree or disagree?

Several rituals and conventional behaviors are said to be irrelevant to contemporary lifestyles, therefore they should be demolished. I personally strongly agree with this opinion.
Some customs have indeed evolved and adapted over time to be appropriate for modern life. They still contain underlying principles that hold value and can be applied in current contexts. However, some rituals may seem outdated and should be discarded as they hinder individual freedom and development. For example, in many cultures, arranged marriages are still a common practice where young people are forced to marry a spouse chosen by their family. Modern societies should eliminate this orthodoxy to respect personal choice, compatibility, and consent in forming relationships. Similarly, stereotypical beliefs about gender-based roles and expectations that assign women to stay home and care for children should also be abolished. It is because the modern world encourages people to have the liberty to pursue their ambitions regardless of their gender.
Conservative behaviors that conflict with what people are fighting for in modern communities should also be cleared out. In other words, traditional prejudices and discrimination based on race, which are still obvious in many parts of the globe, should be challenged. Efforts should be made to promote equality and respect for diverse backgrounds. In addition to that, superstitions that are no longer suitable or scientifically supported need to be removed as with advancements in knowledge and understanding, people can now be able to question the validity and necessity of such beliefs.
In conclusion, certain appropriate traditions should be well preserved to protect cultural significance in the modern world, while other classical and unsuitable ones should be eradicated to match the current values.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Several rituals and conventional behaviors are said to be irrelevant to contemporary lifestyles, therefore they should be demolished." -> "Numerous rituals and conventional behaviors are considered irrelevant to contemporary lifestyles; thus, they should be abolished."
    Explanation: Replacing "Several" with "Numerous" adds a more precise and formal tone. Changing "demolished" to "abolished" enhances formality and aligns with the academic style.

  2. "I personally strongly agree with this opinion." -> "I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective."
    Explanation: Replacing "personally strongly" with "wholeheartedly" maintains the emphasis on agreement while introducing a more formal and academically appropriate adverb.

  3. "They still contain underlying principles that hold value and can be applied in current contexts." -> "They still encompass foundational principles that retain value and can be applied in contemporary contexts."
    Explanation: The substitution of "contain" with "encompass" and "hold" with "retain" elevates the language, making it more formal and academically suitable.

  4. "Some rituals may seem outdated and should be discarded as they hinder individual freedom and development." -> "Certain rituals may appear outdated and ought to be discarded since they impede individual freedom and development."
    Explanation: Replacing "may seem" with "may appear" and "should" with "ought to" contributes to a more formal and precise expression of the idea.

  5. "For example, in many cultures, arranged marriages are still a common practice where young people are forced to marry a spouse chosen by their family." -> "For instance, in various cultures, arranged marriages persist, compelling young individuals to wed a partner selected by their family."
    Explanation: The replacement of "common practice" with "persist" and "forced to marry" with "compelling" enhances formality and precision.

  6. "Similarly, stereotypical beliefs about gender-based roles and expectations that assign women to stay home and care for children should also be abolished." -> "Likewise, traditional stereotypes regarding gender-based roles and expectations, which confine women to domestic duties, should be eradicated."
    Explanation: The use of "traditional stereotypes" and the more formal phrasing improve the academic tone and clarity of the statement.

  7. "Conservative behaviors that conflict with what people are fighting for in modern communities should also be cleared out." -> "Conservative behaviors conflicting with contemporary societal aspirations should be eliminated."
    Explanation: "Cleared out" is replaced with "eliminated" for a more formal and concise expression of the idea.

  8. "Efforts should be made to promote equality and respect for diverse backgrounds." -> "Efforts should be undertaken to foster equality and respect for diverse backgrounds."
    Explanation: The substitution of "made" with "undertaken" contributes to a more formal and action-oriented tone.

  9. "superstitions that are no longer suitable or scientifically supported need to be removed" -> "Superstitions that are no longer appropriate or scientifically supported should be eliminated."
    Explanation: The use of "removed" is replaced with "eliminated" for a more formal and precise expression.

  10. "certain appropriate traditions should be well preserved to protect cultural significance in the modern world" -> "Certain meaningful traditions should be meticulously preserved to safeguard cultural significance in the contemporary world."
    Explanation: The addition of "meaningful" and the use of "meticulously preserved" enhance the formality and clarity of the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument by acknowledging that some customs are still relevant and should be preserved, while others are outdated and should be eliminated. However, the analysis is somewhat brief, and there could be a more nuanced exploration of specific customs.
    • How to improve: To improve, provide a more in-depth analysis of specific customs, discussing their relevance or irrelevance to modern life. Include concrete examples to support your points.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing a strong agreement with the idea that certain customs are no longer relevant. The stance is consistently presented in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
    • How to improve: Continue to demonstrate a strong and clear stance, but consider providing a more balanced discussion by acknowledging potential counterarguments and then refuting them to strengthen your position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a clear and organized manner. It supports the thesis with examples, such as arranged marriages and gender-based roles. However, some ideas could be further extended and elaborated for a more thorough analysis.
    • How to improve: Expand on the presented ideas by providing more detailed examples and explanations. Develop each point further to enhance the depth of analysis and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relevance of various customs to modern life. However, there are moments where the connection to the prompt could be strengthened, such as when discussing race-based discrimination.
    • How to improve: Ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. When discussing issues like race-based discrimination, explicitly connect them to the relevance of customs in modern life to maintain a stronger focus on the given topic.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and maintains a clear position throughout. To improve, provide a more detailed analysis of specific customs, balance the discussion by acknowledging counterarguments, extend and elaborate on ideas, and ensure every point directly connects to the given topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with a clear introduction that presents the author’s viewpoint, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that provide examples and reasoning. The conclusion neatly summarizes the main points. However, there are instances where the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing adapted customs to criticizing conservative behaviors is somewhat abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect different ideas more smoothly. Ensure that each paragraph logically progresses from the previous one, maintaining a clear and cohesive narrative.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument and contributes to the overall coherence. However, some paragraphs could be more developed, such as the one addressing gender-based roles. This paragraph could benefit from additional details and examples to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: When addressing a specific point, provide concrete examples or elaborate on the given examples to add depth to the argument. This will not only make the paragraphs more comprehensive but also enhance the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates a variety of cohesive devices, including pronouns, transitional words, and logical connectors. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices within sentences to make the relationships between ideas more explicit. For instance, some sentences could benefit from clearer connections between the supporting examples and the main argument.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the flow within sentences. Use cohesive devices like pronouns, conjunctions, and transition words not only to connect sentences but also to clarify the relationships between ideas within sentences. This will make the essay more cohesive and easier to follow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, refining the transitions between ideas, developing certain paragraphs further, and enhancing the use of cohesive devices within sentences can contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied language, but it lacks consistency. For instance, terms like "orthodoxy," "prejudices," and "superstitions" contribute to a diversified vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more sophisticated and contextually appropriate words or phrases.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more advanced or nuanced terms where appropriate. For example, instead of using common phrases like "should be demolished," explore alternatives like "should be dismantled" or "should be abolished," depending on the context. Additionally, strive for more precise word choices to elevate the overall lexical richness.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. Instances of precise language include "arranged marriages," "stereotypical beliefs," and "superstitions." However, there are areas where the expression could be more refined. For instance, the use of "evolved" could be replaced with a more precise term like "adapted," and the phrase "common practice" might be sharpened to "enduring tradition" for greater specificity.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision in language by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of general terms, opt for more specific and contextually appropriate vocabulary. Consult a thesaurus or language references to identify synonyms that add depth to your expression. Proofreading for precise language should be a regular practice to catch and refine any imprecise usage.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling. However, there are a few instances where there are minor errors, such as "unsuitable" instead of "suitable" in the concluding paragraph. These minor errors do not significantly detract from the overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: Maintain vigilance in proofreading to catch minor spelling errors. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools to identify and rectify any overlooked mistakes. Developing a systematic approach to reviewing written work before submission can help improve overall spelling accuracy. Additionally, expanding your vocabulary and exposure to different words will naturally contribute to better spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a commendable grasp of vocabulary and spelling, there is room for improvement in the consistency and precision of language use. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more sophisticated and refined expression, enhancing the overall lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly varied range of sentence structures. It utilizes simple, compound, and complex sentences effectively. For instance, there are instances of complex sentences, such as "Modern societies should eliminate this orthodoxy to respect personal choice, compatibility, and consent in forming relationships." The writer also employs a mix of declarative and persuasive sentences, contributing to overall variety.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as using relative clauses or inverted sentences. This can elevate the sophistication of the writing and provide additional depth to the analysis.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation. There are, however, some instances where subject-verb agreement could be improved, such as in "Several rituals and conventional behaviors are said to be irrelevant," where the plural subject "rituals" should match with the plural verb "are." Punctuation is generally handled well, though there are a few instances where commas could be used more effectively for clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency throughout the essay. Additionally, review the use of commas, ensuring they are appropriately placed for clarity and to avoid potential ambiguity. Consider seeking feedback on specific instances where commas are used to confirm their correctness.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, with room for improvement in subject-verb agreement and comma usage. Keep refining sentence structures for increased sophistication and strive for precision in grammar and punctuation to further enhance the overall clarity of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Numerous rituals and conventional behaviors are often considered irrelevant to contemporary lifestyles, leading to calls for their abolishment. I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective. They still encompass foundational principles that retain value and can be applied in contemporary contexts.

Certain rituals may indeed appear outdated and should be discarded since they impede individual freedom and development. For instance, in various cultures, arranged marriages persist, compelling young individuals to wed a partner selected by their family. Likewise, traditional stereotypes regarding gender-based roles and expectations, which confine women to domestic duties, should be eradicated.

Conservative behaviors conflicting with contemporary societal aspirations should be eliminated. Efforts should be undertaken to foster equality and respect for diverse backgrounds. Superstitions that are no longer appropriate or scientifically supported should be eliminated.

However, it is crucial to acknowledge that certain meaningful traditions should be meticulously preserved to safeguard cultural significance in the contemporary world. In conclusion, while some customs have evolved and adapted over time to suit modern life, others, which impede progress and individual liberties, should be reevaluated and eradicated to align with current values and aspirations.

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