Many doctors are highly concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from the excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced?

In contemporary times, along with the onward march of technological achievements, computer games are becoming a popular means of entertainment, especially among children and juveniles. However, this leads to the rise of doctors’ apprehension about harmful ramifications on players’ mental and physical well-being when they spend overabundant time on online games. This essay will delve into the issue, clarify the negative impacts of excessive use of virtual games on the young generation’ s overall health and suggest some possible incentives to ameliorate these problems.
To begin with, adverse effects on children when they play these games too much is obvious and visible. Firstly, the increase in their amount of time sitting in front of electrical devices playing computer games results in the decline in their frequency to go outside and take part in outdoor activities. Over time, this bad habit can hinder the development of their muscles and bones, which is necessary for children’s comprehensive development. Also, it is one of the main causes of some diseases such as obesity and varicose veins. Moreover, the problems with eyes are inevitable when young players allocate excessive time on video games. Because their visual capabilities are unstable in this stage of life, overabundant access to technical screens may gradually destroy their eyes and eye-related diseases like eye-shortness.
Additionally, juveniles and kids’ mental health also can be exacerbated by playing too many computer games. One of the most remarkable detrimental consequences is the decline in the communicative abilities. As they get accustomed to online chatting with their playing teammates, they will have troubles when initiating real-life conversations. In the long-term, this makes these people scared of face-to-face meetings and even separate themselves from the society. Additionally, too much time spent on virtual games sometimes causes paranoia, a personality disorder disease in which patients have unrealistic hallucinations. This will prevent these youngsters from continuing their normal lives, instead of pursuing their passion and devoting themselves to the community, they must spend the rest of their lives in mental hospitals.
To address this issue, there must be the incorporation of both parents and teachers and games producing companies. Regarding parental guidance and educating system, they should teach children and juveniles about the harmful effects of excessive playing of this kind of games and direct their habits of allocating suitable amount of freetime on entertaining with computer games. They should also give children more opportunities participating in outdoor activities and extracurriculars, which not only reduce their amount of time sitting in front of technical screens but also assist them in finding their passions. Regarding gaming corporations, they have to give a limitation of time for playing their games. Although nowadays, some games have warnings on their opening scenes, for example: “Players should not play this game over 180 minutes per day”, they seem to be inconsequential. Instead, the producers should integrate more complex algorithms which request users to stop playing games immediately. By these ways, the issue of recent young generations’ playing computer games can be mitigated.
In conclusion, due to the detrimental impacts of virtual games on kids and youngsters’ overall health, particularly causing physical and mental illness, there should be compatible solutions from both gaming producing companies and parents and educators. Thus, the number of young people being addicted to these games may experience a declining tendency.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"onward march" -> "progress"
Explanation: "Onward march" is a metaphorical expression that may sound overly dramatic and less formal in an academic context. "Progress" is a more straightforward and academically appropriate term.
"overabundant time" -> "excessive time"
Explanation: "Overabundant" is not typically used to describe time, and it may sound awkward. "Excessive" is the correct term for describing an amount of time that is too great.
"young generation’ s overall health" -> "the overall health of the young generation"
Explanation: The possessive form "young generation’ s" is grammatically incorrect. The correct form is "the overall health of the young generation."
"adverse effects on children when they play these games too much is obvious and visible" -> "the adverse effects of excessive gaming on children are evident"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The revised version is clearer and more formal.
"bad habit" -> "unhealthy habit"
Explanation: "Bad" is too informal and vague for academic writing. "Unhealthy" is more precise and appropriate for describing habits that negatively impact health.
"eye-shortness" -> "eye strain"
Explanation: "Eye-shortness" is not a recognized medical term. "Eye strain" is the correct medical term for the condition described.
"juveniles and kids’ mental health" -> "the mental health of juveniles and children"
Explanation: "Juveniles" is a less common and somewhat archaic term; "children" is more universally understood and appropriate. Also, "kids" is too informal for academic writing.
"communicative abilities" -> "communication skills"
Explanation: "Communicative abilities" is less specific and slightly awkward. "Communication skills" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic contexts.
"scared of face-to-face meetings" -> "averse to face-to-face interactions"
Explanation: "Scared" is too informal and emotional for academic writing. "Averse to" is a more formal expression that conveys reluctance or dislike.
"separate themselves from the society" -> "isolate themselves from society"
Explanation: "Separate themselves from the society" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Isolate themselves from society" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"too much time spent on virtual games" -> "excessive time spent on virtual games"
Explanation: "Too much" is informal and vague. "Excessive" is more precise and formal.
"incorporation of both parents and teachers and games producing companies" -> "collaboration among parents, teachers, and game developers"
Explanation: "Incorporation" is not the correct term here; "collaboration" is more appropriate for describing joint efforts. Also, "games producing companies" is redundant; "game developers" is more concise.
"give a limitation of time for playing their games" -> "impose time limits on their games"
Explanation: "Give a limitation of time" is awkward and unclear. "Impose time limits" is direct and clear.
"inconsequential" -> "ineffective"
Explanation: "Inconsequential" means having no consequence, which is not the intended meaning here. "Ineffective" correctly describes something that does not work as intended.
"By these ways" -> "Through these measures"
Explanation: "By these ways" is informal and vague. "Through these measures" is more formal and precise.

These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the mental and physical problems associated with excessive computer game use among children and young people. The author identifies specific physical issues such as obesity and eye problems, as well as mental health concerns like communication difficulties and paranoia. Each problem is clearly articulated, demonstrating a thorough understanding of the prompt. However, while the essay identifies these issues, it could benefit from a more structured approach to explicitly link each problem to the corresponding part of the prompt, ensuring clarity in how each issue relates to the excessive use of games.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could clearly delineate the problems by using subheadings or more distinct paragraphs for each issue. This would help in ensuring that each part of the question is addressed comprehensively and allows for a clearer connection between the problems and the excessive use of games.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that excessive gaming has detrimental effects on both mental and physical health. The author consistently supports this stance throughout the essay, providing relevant examples and evidence. However, there are moments where the language could be more assertive, particularly in the conclusion, where the call to action could be stronger.
- How to improve: To reinforce the position, the writer could use more definitive language and restate the main argument in a more compelling manner in the conclusion. Additionally, emphasizing the urgency of addressing these issues could strengthen the overall position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a variety of ideas related to the negative impacts of excessive gaming and suggests potential solutions. Each idea is supported with examples, such as the mention of specific health issues and the role of parents and gaming companies in mitigating these problems. However, some ideas could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the discussion on how gaming companies could implement stricter time limits is somewhat vague and could use more detail on how this could be practically achieved.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should provide more specific examples or case studies that illustrate the points made. For instance, discussing existing programs or initiatives that have successfully reduced gaming time could add depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the mental and physical problems associated with excessive gaming and potential solutions. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of "paranoia" as a consequence of gaming could be better contextualized within the broader spectrum of mental health issues rather than being presented as an isolated point.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by consistently referencing the prompt throughout the essay and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering the question posed. Additionally, avoiding overly complex or tangential ideas will help keep the essay on track.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer could elevate their score even further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear logical structure, with a well-defined introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic, starting with the physical effects of excessive gaming, followed by the mental health implications, and concluding with potential solutions. For example, the transition from discussing physical health issues to mental health issues is smooth, maintaining a coherent flow of ideas. However, some sentences could be more concise to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Additionally, ensure that each point is fully developed before moving on to the next; for instance, the transition between discussing physical health and mental health could be strengthened with a summarizing sentence that ties the two concepts together.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct theme, such as the physical effects of gaming, the mental health consequences, and the proposed solutions. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer internal structure. For instance, the second paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on physical health issues and another on visual problems.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and supporting details. This could involve breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones, particularly when introducing new concepts. Additionally, consider using linking phrases at the beginning of paragraphs to signal shifts in focus, which will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "additionally," "to begin with," and "in conclusion," which help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For example, the essay relies heavily on simple conjunctions and transitional phrases, which can make the writing feel repetitive at times.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," or "consequently." Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help to avoid repetition and create smoother transitions between sentences. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "computer games," you could refer to them as "these games" or "video games" in subsequent mentions.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, implementing the above suggestions will enhance clarity and improve the overall flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "adverse effects," "apprehension," "detrimental consequences," and "incorporation." These words effectively convey the seriousness of the issue and the complexity of the arguments presented. However, there are instances where vocabulary choices could be more varied or nuanced. For example, the phrase "overabundant time" is somewhat repetitive and could be replaced with alternatives like "excessive" or "prolonged."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "excessive" or "too much," they could use "excessive," "overindulgent," or "excessive engagement." This would not only diversify the vocabulary but also demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "communicative abilities" and "personality disorder." However, there are instances of imprecise usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "allocate excessive time on video games" should be "allocate excessive time to video games." Additionally, the term "eye-shortness" is not a standard term; "myopia" or "nearsightedness" would be more appropriate.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should review their vocabulary choices and ensure that they are using terms that accurately convey their intended meaning. Consulting a thesaurus or dictionary can help in selecting the correct terms. Furthermore, proofreading for grammatical accuracy will enhance clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with only a few minor errors that do not significantly detract from the overall understanding. However, there are some instances where spelling could be improved, such as "juveniles" which is correctly spelled, but the phrase "young generation’ s" should be corrected to "young generation’s" to reflect proper possessive form.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing exercises focused on commonly misspelled words. Additionally, using spell-check tools during the writing process can help catch errors before submission. Reading the essay aloud can also aid in identifying awkward phrasing or spelling mistakes.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with a band score of 7, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases such as "To begin with" and "Additionally" effectively transitions between ideas. However, some sentences are overly complex or awkwardly constructed, which can hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "the increase in their amount of time sitting in front of electrical devices playing computer games results in the decline in their frequency to go outside" could be simplified for better readability.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider using more varied sentence openings and lengths. Incorporate more complex sentences with subordinate clauses to convey nuanced ideas. For example, instead of saying "the problems with eyes are inevitable when young players allocate excessive time on video games," you might say, "When young players allocate excessive time to video games, they inevitably face eye-related problems." This not only improves clarity but also enhances the overall flow of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar, but there are several instances of grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, the phrase "the young generation’ s overall health" contains an unnecessary space before the possessive apostrophe, and "the decline in their frequency to go outside" is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, such as in the sentence "this makes these people scared of face-to-face meetings and even separate themselves from the society," where a comma before "and" could improve clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread the essay for common errors, such as misplaced apostrophes and awkward phrasing. Focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles (e.g., "the society" should be "society"). Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help improve clarity. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers to identify and correct these issues.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on simplifying complex sentences and improving grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

To begin with, the adverse effects on children when they play these games too much are obvious and visible. Firstly, the increase in the amount of time they spend sitting in front of electronic devices playing computer games results in a decline in their frequency of going outside and participating in outdoor activities. Over time, this unhealthy habit can hinder the development of their muscles and bones, which is necessary for children’s comprehensive development. Also, it is one of the main causes of some diseases such as obesity and varicose veins. Moreover, problems with the eyes are inevitable when young players allocate excessive time to video games. Because their visual capabilities are unstable at this stage of life, overabundant access to technical screens may gradually damage their eyes and lead to eye-related diseases like nearsightedness.

Additionally, the mental health of juveniles and children can also be exacerbated by playing too many computer games. One of the most remarkable detrimental consequences is the decline in their communication skills. As they become accustomed to online chatting with their playing teammates, they will have trouble initiating real-life conversations. In the long term, this makes these individuals averse to face-to-face interactions and may even cause them to isolate themselves from society. Additionally, too much time spent on virtual games sometimes leads to paranoia, a personality disorder in which patients experience unrealistic hallucinations. This will prevent these youngsters from continuing their normal lives; instead of pursuing their passions and contributing to the community, they may end up spending the rest of their lives in mental hospitals.

To address this issue, there must be collaboration among parents, teachers, and game developers. Regarding parental guidance and the education system, they should teach children and juveniles about the harmful effects of excessive gaming and guide their habits in allocating a suitable amount of free time for entertainment with computer games. They should also provide children with more opportunities to participate in outdoor activities and extracurriculars, which not only reduces their time sitting in front of technical screens but also assists them in finding their passions. Regarding gaming corporations, they need to impose time limits on their games. Although nowadays, some games have warnings on their opening scenes, for example: “Players should not play this game for over 180 minutes per day,” these seem to be ineffective. Instead, the producers should integrate more complex algorithms that require users to stop playing games immediately. Through these measures, the issue of the recent young generation’s excessive gaming can be mitigated.

In conclusion, due to the detrimental impacts of virtual games on kids and the overall health of youngsters, particularly causing physical and mental illness, there should be compatible solutions from both gaming companies and parents and educators. Thus, the number of young people addicted to these games may experience a declining tendency.