Many employees can now do their work from home using modern technology. However, this change may only benefit workers, not the employers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In this day and age, technological advancements have brought about many changes in the way people work: they can choose to do their work either at the office or at home. However, a school of thought holds that only workers can reap rewards from this trend, and managers cannot. I completely disagree with this viewpoint for several reasons outlined below.
On the one hand, not only workers but also business owners can benefit from working online. First, it allows both of them to save a lot of money since the doers do not need to pay for their accommodation or commuting costs, and the people who establish companies also do not need to pay for the brick-and-mortal, or electric and water bills. This money can be saved for their other personal purposes, such as paying debt or improving their living condition. Furthermore, by working in the comfort of their own homes, they can also spend time rearing and nurturing their children and spouses, resulting in better family relations.
On the other hand, Internet-based working can be beneficial to not solely the job holders but also the employers. This is because when they are allowed to do their work online, they can have a chance to do many jobs at the same time, provided that they can still maintain their productivity. For example, during the Covid-19 quarantine, my brother did three online jobs to make ends meet, so he could have enough money to raise a family. Moreover, with the experiences he earned when he did three various jobs, he has been offered a new job with a higher salary than the sum of three jobs. Although this may give rise to some inconvenience and stress, he still felt happy and joyful when he had an opportunity to work from home and do different jobs.
In conclusion, I am of the opinion that web-based working can benefit both salary earners but also the organization bosses.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"In this day and age" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: Replacing the colloquial expression "In this day and age" with "In the contemporary era" adds formality and aligns with academic style, providing a more sophisticated introduction to the topic.
"workers" -> "employees"
Explanation: Substituting "workers" with "employees" is a more formal term, enhancing the professional tone of the essay.
"at the office or at home" -> "either in the office or remotely"
Explanation: Changing "at the office or at home" to "either in the office or remotely" maintains clarity while using a more formal expression for working from home.
"a school of thought holds that" -> "some argue that"
Explanation: Replacing "a school of thought holds that" with "some argue that" introduces a more academic and nuanced expression, avoiding a casual tone.
"I completely disagree" -> "I strongly disagree"
Explanation: Substituting "I completely disagree" with "I strongly disagree" adds emphasis and reinforces the conviction of the author in a more formal manner.
"reap rewards" -> "derive benefits"
Explanation: Changing "reap rewards" to "derive benefits" introduces a more formal and precise phrase, contributing to the overall academic tone.
"the doers" -> "employees" or "workers"
Explanation: Substituting "the doers" with "employees" or "workers" avoids informal language and provides a more conventional term for individuals performing tasks.
"brick-and-mortal" -> "brick-and-mortar"
Explanation: Correcting the misspelling "brick-and-mortal" to "brick-and-mortar" ensures accuracy in the expression related to physical business establishments.
"electric and water bills" -> "utilities such as electricity and water"
Explanation: Expanding "electric and water bills" to "utilities such as electricity and water" maintains clarity and elevates the level of formality.
"money can be saved for their other personal purposes" -> "funds can be allocated to other personal endeavors"
Explanation: Replacing "money can be saved for their other personal purposes" with "funds can be allocated to other personal endeavors" offers a more sophisticated expression while conveying the same idea.
"Internet-based working" -> "Remote work" or "Telecommuting"
Explanation: Substituting "Internet-based working" with "Remote work" or "Telecommuting" provides more standard and formal terms for the practice.
"not solely" -> "not only"
Explanation: Correcting "not solely" to "not only" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.
"job holders" -> "employees" or "workers"
Explanation: Replacing "job holders" with "employees" or "workers" maintains consistency and formality in terminology.
"bosses" -> "employers" or "managers"
Explanation: Substituting "bosses" with "employers" or "managers" provides a more formal and precise term in the context of organizational leadership.
"sum of three jobs" -> "combined income from three jobs"
Explanation: Changing "sum of three jobs" to "combined income from three jobs" offers a more precise and formal expression, enhancing the clarity of the statement.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "I completely disagree with this viewpoint for several reasons outlined below."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestion: The introduction sets a clear position against the idea presented in the prompt, which is good. However, it lacks a succinct summary of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. Adding a brief outline of the subsequent arguments would enhance the structure and coherence of the essay, providing a roadmap for the reader. This would help maintain focus and clarity throughout the essay.
- Improved example: "I firmly oppose the notion that only workers benefit from remote work, as there are several reasons why both employees and employers can gain advantages from this trend. In this essay, I will explore these reasons in detail, elucidating how remote work can be mutually beneficial for both parties."
Quoted text: "First, it allows both of them to save a lot of money since the doers do not need to pay for their accommodation or commuting costs, and the people who establish companies also do not need to pay for the brick-and-mortal, or electric and water bills."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestion: The argument presented here lacks specificity and clarity. While discussing cost savings, it’s crucial to provide more concrete and detailed examples or explanations. Additionally, the link between savings for workers and benefits for employers isn’t explicitly established. To improve, consider offering specific examples or details related to savings for both employees and employers. For instance, discussing potential reduced overhead costs for employers due to decreased office space requirements could strengthen the argument.
- Improved example: "Remote work significantly reduces employees’ commuting expenses and eliminates the need for dedicated office space, leading to substantial savings. Moreover, for employers, the reduction in office space requirements can lower rental expenses and overhead costs, allowing allocation of these funds for business expansion or employee incentives."
Quoted text: "Moreover, with the experiences he earned when he did three various jobs, he has been offered a new job with a higher salary than the sum of three jobs."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestion: The example provided lacks depth and clarity in connecting the benefits for both employees and employers. While the narrative of the brother’s experience transitioning to a higher-paying job due to diverse experiences is compelling, it lacks a direct link to how this benefits the employer. To enhance this argument, consider illustrating how diverse skill sets gained through remote work can be advantageous for employers in terms of enhanced productivity, creativity, or adaptability within the workforce.
- Improved example: "Furthermore, by juggling multiple roles remotely, individuals can acquire diverse skill sets and adaptability, which can be invaluable to employers seeking versatile and multifaceted employees. For instance, these varied experiences can enhance an employee’s problem-solving abilities, creativity, and adaptability, contributing positively to the innovation and productivity of the company."
Overall, the essay provides a clear position on the topic but lacks some specificity in examples and connections between benefits for workers and employers. Strengthening these areas with more specific, well-developed examples would enhance the argument’s persuasiveness and depth.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, providing a clear progression throughout. There is a central topic within each paragraph, contributing to overall coherence. The use of cohesive devices is varied, although there are instances of slight overuse or underuse. The essay effectively argues its viewpoint with relevant examples and supports the main points coherently.
How to improve:
Cohesive Devices: While the essay generally uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately, there are instances where the usage could be refined. Ensure that the use of cohesive devices is consistent throughout the essay without any overuse or underuse.
Paragraphing Logic: While the essay uses paragraphing sufficiently, there is room for improvement in ensuring logical transitions between paragraphs. Review the flow between ideas to enhance overall coherence.
Clarity of Examples: The examples provided are relevant, but some details could be clearer. Ensure that examples are presented in a way that reinforces the main arguments without causing confusion.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of coherence and cohesion, but attention to refining the use of cohesive devices and improving paragraph transitions could elevate the score to a higher band.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and some awareness of style and collocation is evident. The essay includes examples and supports its points adequately. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation. For instance, the phrase "brick-and-mortal" should be "brick-and-mortar," and there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing throughout the essay.
How to improve:
- Address grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to enhance overall coherence.
- Be cautious with word choice and collocation to minimize occasional inaccuracies.
- Proofread for spelling and word formation errors to ensure a more polished presentation.
Note: While the essay generally meets the Band 7 descriptor, refining language use and addressing minor errors would elevate it further.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range and accuracy, falling within the Band 7 descriptor. The writer successfully uses a variety of complex structures, such as compound and complex sentences, contributing to the overall fluency of the essay. Most sentences are error-free, and the control of grammar and punctuation is generally good. However, there are some minor errors and instances where the language could be more precise. For example, in the sentence "since the doers do not need to pay for their accommodation or commuting costs," the repetition of "doers" could be replaced with a synonym for greater clarity.
How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on avoiding repetitive language and strive for more precision. Additionally, paying attention to sentence structures and ensuring they are varied can enhance the overall quality of the essay. Proofreading for minor errors, such as missing articles or prepositions, will contribute to a smoother reading experience. Overall, maintaining the current level of complexity while refining language precision would elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the contemporary era, technological progress has revolutionized how individuals engage in their professional responsibilities, offering the flexibility to work either within the office premises or remotely from home. Contrary to the belief that this shift primarily favors employees and not employers, I firmly disagree, and I will outline various reasons supporting my stance below.
On one hand, the advantages of online work extend beyond employees to encompass business proprietors as well. Firstly, this arrangement facilitates significant cost savings for both parties, as remote workers eliminate expenses related to commuting or securing accommodation. Similarly, employers benefit by avoiding expenditures associated with maintaining physical office spaces, such as utility bills. These financial savings can then be redirected towards personal endeavors like debt repayment or enhancing one’s living standards. Additionally, the ability to work from the comfort of one’s home allows individuals to invest more time in nurturing family relationships, contributing to improved domestic bonds.
On the other hand, the transition to internet-based work holds potential benefits not only for employees but also for employers. Granting the flexibility to work online enables individuals to multitask efficiently, assuming they can uphold their productivity levels. For instance, during the Covid-19 quarantine, my brother engaged in three online jobs concurrently to meet financial needs and support his family. The diverse experiences gained from these roles ultimately led to a new employment opportunity with a higher salary than the cumulative income from the three jobs. Despite potential challenges and stress associated with juggling multiple responsibilities, he found genuine happiness in the opportunity to work from home and engage in diverse professional endeavors.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that the shift towards online work yields advantages for both wage earners and organizational leaders. The potential for financial savings, improved work-life balance, and enhanced opportunities for professional growth make internet-based work a mutually beneficial arrangement.