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Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

There is a standpoint that multiple authorities have an inclination to take precedence over developing the economy as a way to fortify the thriving of countries while other people genuinely advocate that other types of progress should also be effortlessly fostered. The aim of this essay is to present underlying justifications for both thoughts and address why I personally side with the latter viewpoint.
Indisputably, consolidation of the economy can reap the benefits associated with the higher standards of both in terms of communities and individuals. The first vital advantage is that economic growth can lay a solid financial foundation to each household. This is largely due to the fact that the economy’s proliferation can enhance employment rates in new occupations and average income which is capable of helping people meet daily demands. Accordingly, it is believed to hinder the increasing delinquency rate as well as the destitute conditions. Another significant benefit is that the booming economy is of paramount importance in the infrastructure’s progress. Specifically, with consistent revenue generation, an increasing number in skyscrapers, commercial centers, recreational facilities and advanced road systems may be apparent, thereby certainly improving individuals in traveling or entertaining experiences.
However, I contend that medical care and education are indispensable to the holistic development of a country. This is mainly because when the authorities place a great emphasis on standardizing health care systems from urban centers to rural regions, citizens’ health, including life expectancy can be undoubtedly ensured. For instance, long-term investment on medical modern equipment has the capability of making accurate diagnosis and effective treatment of perilous diseases that boost the living standards of humans. Additionally, educational values serve as the key determinant of the nation’s prosperity. By investing substantial financial resources on building schools in all the country, more residents could easily gain basic knowledge from an early age, not to mention, competent and virtuous people may be nurtured with meticulousness prior to being essential components of a nation.
In conclusion, despite the significance of the economy, I still hold the outlook that other fields such as the medical system and education also are incontestably the cornerstone.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "There is a standpoint that multiple authorities have an inclination to take precedence over developing the economy as a way to fortify the thriving of countries while other people genuinely advocate that other types of progress should also be effortlessly fostered." -> "There is a perspective that numerous authorities tend to prioritize economic development to bolster the prosperity of countries. Conversely, some argue that other forms of progress should also be systematically nurtured."
    Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and contains redundant phrases. The suggested alternative simplifies the structure while maintaining a formal tone.

  2. "The aim of this essay is to present underlying justifications for both thoughts and address why I personally side with the latter viewpoint." -> "This essay aims to provide foundational justifications for both perspectives and articulate why I personally align with the latter viewpoint."
    Explanation: The revised sentence streamlines the expression, removing unnecessary words and maintaining a more direct and formal tone.

  3. "Indisputably, consolidation of the economy can reap the benefits associated with the higher standards of both in terms of communities and individuals." -> "Undoubtedly, the consolidation of the economy can yield benefits that contribute to elevated standards for both communities and individuals."
    Explanation: The term "consolidation" is more precise than "development," and the revision provides a clearer structure and expression.

  4. "This is largely due to the fact that the economy’s proliferation can enhance employment rates in new occupations and average income which is capable of helping people meet daily demands." -> "This is primarily because the proliferation of the economy can boost employment rates in new sectors and increase average income, thereby assisting individuals in meeting their daily needs."
    Explanation: The revised sentence enhances clarity by breaking down complex ideas into more manageable parts and utilizing more precise language.

  5. "Accordingly, it is believed to hinder the increasing delinquency rate as well as the destitute conditions." -> "Consequently, it is believed to mitigate the rising delinquency rate and alleviate destitute conditions."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more formal and precise language to convey the intended meaning.

  6. "Another significant benefit is that the booming economy is of paramount importance in the infrastructure’s progress." -> "Another notable advantage is that a thriving economy is crucial for the progress of infrastructure."
    Explanation: The term "booming" is replaced with "thriving" for a more formal tone, and the sentence is rephrased for clarity.

  7. "Specifically, with consistent revenue generation, an increasing number in skyscrapers, commercial centers, recreational facilities and advanced road systems may be apparent, thereby certainly improving individuals in traveling or entertaining experiences." -> "Specifically, sustained revenue generation can lead to the development of more skyscrapers, commercial centers, recreational facilities, and advanced road systems, thereby significantly enhancing individuals’ travel and leisure experiences."
    Explanation: The revision provides a more precise and organized structure, avoiding overly complex phrases.

  8. "However, I contend that medical care and education are indispensable to the holistic development of a country." -> "Nevertheless, I argue that healthcare and education are indispensable for the holistic development of a country."
    Explanation: The term "contend" is replaced with "argue" for simplicity, and the revision maintains a formal tone.

  9. "For instance, long-term investment on medical modern equipment has the capability of making accurate diagnosis and effective treatment of perilous diseases that boost the living standards of humans." -> "For instance, long-term investment in modern medical equipment has the capability to enable accurate diagnosis and effective treatment of perilous diseases, thereby enhancing the living standards of individuals."
    Explanation: The revision clarifies the sentence structure and uses more precise language.

  10. "Additionally, educational values serve as the key determinant of the nation’s prosperity." -> "Moreover, educational values play a pivotal role as the key determinant of the nation’s prosperity."
    Explanation: The term "serve as" is replaced with "play a pivotal role" for a more formal and impactful expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both perspectives presented in the prompt, discussing the importance of economic progress and advocating for the significance of other types of progress. Relevant sections such as the benefits of economic growth and the importance of medical care and education are discussed.
    • How to improve: While the essay does address both parts of the question, providing more depth in the discussion of economic progress and perhaps offering additional examples could strengthen the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout the essay, stating a preference for the importance of medical care and education in the holistic development of a country.
    • How to improve: The essay could further enhance clarity by explicitly stating the position in the introduction, reinforcing it in the conclusion, and using transitions to guide the reader through the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and supports ideas. For example, the benefits of economic growth are well-explained, and arguments for the importance of medical care and education are supported by relevant examples.
    • How to improve: To further extend ideas, the essay could explore potential counterarguments and provide counter-evidence, demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing economic progress, medical care, and education. However, there is a slight deviation when discussing infrastructure, which is relevant but could be more directly tied to economic progress.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each point made directly connects to the main theme of economic progress and its comparison to other types of progress.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses both perspectives. To further improve, consider providing more depth in the discussion of economic progress, explicitly stating the position in the introduction, exploring potential counterarguments, and ensuring that all points directly tie back to the main theme. The writing is clear and well-organized, contributing to the overall strength of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction, presenting the two perspectives on economic progress. The body paragraphs effectively discuss the advantages of economic growth and the author’s preference for medical care and education. The conclusion summarizes the key points. However, there is a minor issue with the sequencing of the second body paragraph, as it discusses medical care and education, which seems to be the counterargument, but then aligns with the author’s viewpoint. A more seamless transition is needed.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider reorganizing the second body paragraph to present the counterargument more explicitly before providing reasons for the author’s perspective. This will create a smoother progression of ideas.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with a clear introduction, two well-developed body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the transition between the second and third paragraphs could be improved to strengthen the coherence of the essay.

    • How to improve: To enhance paragraph structure, ensure a clear transition between the second and third paragraphs. You may consider rephrasing the last sentence of the second paragraph to better connect with the subsequent discussion on the author’s viewpoint.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, including transition words and phrases (e.g., "However," "In conclusion," "Additionally"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is a slight overuse of certain phrases, such as "indisputably" and "undoubtedly," which could be diversified for a more nuanced expression.

    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, explore synonyms for frequently used terms. Additionally, consider varying sentence structures to maintain reader engagement. For instance, instead of consistently using phrases like "This is mainly because," experiment with different introductory phrases to convey the same meaning.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, with minor improvements suggested to enhance the logical organization, paragraph structure, and diversification of cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and phrases, but the vocabulary lacks diversity and sophistication. For instance, repeated use of phrases like "indisputably" and "paramount importance" limits the breadth of vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource, try incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions. Instead of relying on repetitive phrases, experiment with different ways to convey similar meanings. For instance, consider using synonyms for commonly used words, and explore more nuanced vocabulary to express your ideas.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise language. For example, the phrase "booming economy" lacks specificity and could be replaced with a more precise term. Additionally, some expressions, like "incontestably the cornerstone," may be considered overly complex and may not convey the intended meaning with clarity.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Avoid overly complex phrases that might confuse the reader. In the case of economic terms, be specific about the aspects of the economy you are referring to, such as GDP growth, employment rates, or fiscal policies. Clarity should always take precedence over complexity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory. However, there are a few instances where errors are present, such as "indisputably" instead of "undisputedly," and "modern equipment" instead of "modern equipment." While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they indicate a need for more careful proofreading.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, make sure to thoroughly proofread your essay before submission. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools, and pay close attention to commonly misspelled words. Additionally, practicing writing tasks with a focus on correct spelling will contribute to developing this skill over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a fair range of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the variety of sentence structures. The majority of sentences are straightforward and lack complexity. For instance, the essay tends to rely on basic sentence structures like Subject-Verb-Object without incorporating more intricate constructions or varied sentence lengths.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a mix of sentence types, including compound and complex sentences. Utilize conjunctions such as "although," "while," or "despite" to introduce complexity. Experiment with different sentence structures to add variety and sophistication to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where sentence structures are awkward, leading to a slight loss of clarity. For example, in the sentence "This is mainly because when the authorities place a great emphasis on standardizing health care systems from urban centers to rural regions," the phrasing is somewhat convoluted, and it affects the overall clarity of the message.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on sentence construction and clarity. Break down complex ideas into simpler sentences to avoid confusion. Additionally, pay attention to word order and ensure that ideas flow logically. Regarding punctuation, review the use of commas to prevent run-on sentences and enhance readability. Consider using conjunctions or breaking sentences into shorter, clearer segments.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a commendable grasp of grammar and punctuation, there is an opportunity to elevate the quality of writing by introducing more varied sentence structures for increased sophistication and refining sentence constructions to enhance overall clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a perspective that numerous authorities tend to prioritize economic development to bolster the prosperity of countries. Conversely, some argue that other forms of progress should also be systematically nurtured. This essay aims to provide foundational justifications for both perspectives and articulate why I personally align with the latter viewpoint.

Undoubtedly, the consolidation of the economy can yield benefits that contribute to elevated standards for both communities and individuals. This is primarily because the proliferation of the economy can boost employment rates in new sectors and increase average income, thereby assisting individuals in meeting their daily needs. Consequently, it is believed to mitigate the rising delinquency rate and alleviate destitute conditions. Another notable advantage is that a thriving economy is crucial for the progress of infrastructure. Specifically, sustained revenue generation can lead to the development of more skyscrapers, commercial centers, recreational facilities, and advanced road systems, thereby significantly enhancing individuals’ travel and leisure experiences.

Nevertheless, I argue that healthcare and education are indispensable for the holistic development of a country. For instance, long-term investment in modern medical equipment has the capability to enable accurate diagnosis and effective treatment of perilous diseases, thereby enhancing the living standards of individuals. Moreover, educational values play a pivotal role as the key determinant of the nation’s prosperity.

In conclusion, despite the significance of the economy, I still hold the outlook that other fields such as the medical system and education also are incontestably the cornerstone.

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