Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Currently, the high consumption of sugary products has been paid significant attention to by the public. The high level of sugar in many processed foods and drinks is attributed to causing several health problems. Some advocate that in order to reduce sugary products, they should be increased in price. Personally, I concur with this opinion because of these following reasons.

Firstly, increasing the price of sugary products can be considered as an effective measure. In fact, a plethora of such products are sold at a low price , which is affordable for most people. Therefore, it can easily attract considerable public interest and stimulate our desire for consuming sweets. If the government imposes heavy taxes upon these unhealthy items , many people may be incapable of paying in the long run . Similar to the high taxation on tobacco and alcohol , there will be a decrease in the consumption of products containing high levels of sugar. Secondly, this measure can foster people to make healthy diet choices. As people hesitate about the price and can not purchase them frequently, they may prioritize nutritious food, which is affordable and better for their health. This shift not only raises awareness but it also mitigates the possibility of confronting health diseases.

Despite aforementioned ramifications, some people hold the belief that the expensive price of sugary products can put a financial burden on some sectors of society. Admittedly, this justification is reasonable to some extent. However, consuming too many unhealthy items can link to many health problems like diabetes, obesity and so on, increasing healthcare costs. In the long run, the amount of money we spend on healthcare is more than that we save from buying sweets.

In conclusion, making sugary products more expensive is a crucial way to reduce the consumption. By adopting these strategies, it is possible to reduce the burden on the healthcare industry as well as be beneficial to our health.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"paid significant attention to by the public" -> "received significant attention from the public"
Explanation: The phrase "paid significant attention to by the public" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Received significant attention from the public" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"the high level of sugar in many processed foods and drinks is attributed to causing" -> "the high levels of sugar in many processed foods and drinks are attributed to causing"
Explanation: The verb "is" should be plural "are" to agree with the plural subject "levels of sugar," and "are attributed to causing" is grammatically correct.
"they should be increased in price" -> "their prices should be increased"
Explanation: "They" is vague and unclear; "their prices" specifies the subject clearly, improving clarity and formality.
"can be considered as an effective measure" -> "can be considered an effective measure"
Explanation: Removing "as" after "considered" corrects the grammatical structure, aligning with formal academic style.
"a plethora of such products are sold at a low price" -> "a plethora of such products are sold at low prices"
Explanation: "low price" should be "low prices" to match the plural form of "products."
"which is affordable for most people" -> "which are affordable to most people"
Explanation: "which is" should be "which are" to agree with the plural subject "products."
"can easily attract considerable public interest and stimulate our desire for consuming sweets" -> "can easily attract considerable public interest and stimulate a desire for sweets"
Explanation: Removing "our" makes the sentence more objective and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"If the government imposes heavy taxes upon these unhealthy items" -> "If the government imposes heavy taxes on these unhealthy products"
Explanation: "upon" is less formal and less precise than "on," and "products" is more appropriate than "items" in this context.
"many people may be incapable of paying in the long run" -> "many people may find it difficult to afford in the long run"
Explanation: "incapable of paying" is overly dramatic and informal; "find it difficult to afford" is more precise and formal.
"Similar to the high taxation on tobacco and alcohol" -> "Similarly, the high taxation on tobacco and alcohol"
Explanation: "Similar to" is less formal and less precise than "Similarly," which is more appropriate for academic writing.
"can foster people to make healthy diet choices" -> "can encourage people to make healthier dietary choices"
Explanation: "foster" is less direct and less formal than "encourage," and "dietary choices" is more specific and formal than "diet choices."
"can not purchase them frequently" -> "cannot purchase them frequently"
Explanation: "can not" is informal and incorrect; "cannot" is the correct form.
"raises awareness but it also mitigates the possibility of confronting health diseases" -> "raises awareness and also mitigates the risk of health diseases"
Explanation: "confronting health diseases" is awkward and unclear; "the risk of health diseases" is clearer and more formal.
"link to many health problems" -> "link to numerous health problems"
Explanation: "many" is vague; "numerous" is more precise and formal.
"increasing healthcare costs" -> "increasing healthcare expenditures"
Explanation: "expenditures" is a more precise and formal term than "costs" in this context.
"making sugary products more expensive is a crucial way to reduce the consumption" -> "increasing the cost of sugary products is a crucial strategy to reduce consumption"
Explanation: "making sugary products more expensive" is informal; "increasing the cost of sugary products" is more precise and formal, and "strategy" is more appropriate than "way" in an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position in favor of making sugary products more expensive to reduce consumption. The introduction outlines the issue and presents the writer’s agreement with the proposed solution. Each paragraph supports this stance with relevant arguments, such as the potential decrease in consumption due to higher prices and the promotion of healthier dietary choices. However, while the essay acknowledges the counterargument regarding financial burdens on certain societal sectors, it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of this point to fully address all aspects of the question.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could expand on the counterargument by discussing potential solutions or mitigations for the financial burden, such as subsidies for healthy foods or targeted support for low-income families. This would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the complexities surrounding the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The position is clear and consistent throughout the essay. The writer explicitly states their agreement with the idea of increasing prices on sugary products and reinforces this stance with logical reasoning and examples. The use of phrases like "Personally, I concur with this opinion" and "In conclusion, making sugary products more expensive is a crucial way to reduce consumption" effectively signals the writer’s position. However, the transition into the counterargument could be perceived as slightly weakening the overall stance, as it introduces a potential conflict without sufficient resolution.
- How to improve: To maintain a stronger position, the writer could frame the counterargument as a consideration rather than a challenge to their viewpoint. For instance, they could acknowledge the concern but then emphasize that the health benefits and potential long-term savings in healthcare costs outweigh these concerns.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the effectiveness of price increases and the potential for healthier dietary choices. Each point is supported with logical reasoning and examples, such as the comparison to tobacco and alcohol taxation. However, the essay could benefit from more specific data or studies to substantiate claims, particularly regarding the impact of price on consumption patterns.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer could incorporate statistics or research findings that illustrate the relationship between price increases and consumption behavior. Additionally, providing examples of countries or regions where similar measures have been implemented successfully would enhance the credibility of the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the issue of sugary products and the implications of increasing their prices. However, there are moments where the discussion of healthcare costs could be more tightly linked to the main argument. For instance, while the mention of healthcare costs is relevant, it could be more explicitly tied back to the benefits of reducing sugary product consumption.
- How to improve: To maintain a sharper focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that every point made directly supports the central argument. They could achieve this by explicitly connecting the discussion of healthcare costs back to the advantages of reducing sugar consumption, reinforcing the idea that higher prices lead to better health outcomes and lower healthcare expenses in the long run.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-argued position, but it could be improved by providing more depth in counterarguments, supporting ideas with specific evidence, and ensuring that all points are tightly linked to the central thesis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of increasing the price of sugary products. The introduction effectively outlines the issue and the writer’s stance. Each paragraph follows a logical progression, with the first two paragraphs providing supporting reasons for the main argument. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the effectiveness of price increases, while the second addresses the potential for healthier dietary choices. However, the transition between the second body paragraph and the counterargument could be smoother, as it feels slightly abrupt and could benefit from a clearer connection to the previous points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that link ideas more explicitly. For example, at the beginning of the counterargument paragraph, you could introduce it with a phrase like "While there are valid concerns regarding the financial impact on certain groups, it is essential to consider the broader implications of health costs." This would create a more cohesive transition from the previous argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, the body paragraphs elaborate on the main points, and the conclusion summarizes the argument. However, the counterargument paragraph could be more clearly delineated from the previous paragraph to emphasize the contrast in viewpoints.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For instance, the counterargument could start with a sentence like, "Despite the advantages of increasing prices, some argue that this could disproportionately affect lower-income individuals." This would enhance clarity and help the reader follow the argument more easily.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In conclusion," which help to structure the argument. Additionally, phrases like "in fact" and "admittedly" are used to introduce supporting details and counterarguments. However, there is some repetition in the use of cohesive devices, and certain transitions could be more varied to avoid monotony.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Firstly" and "Secondly," you could use "To begin with," "Furthermore," or "Moreover" for additional points. Additionally, when presenting the counterargument, phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help to clearly differentiate opposing views, enhancing the overall cohesion of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially improving the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with terms such as "plethora," "advocate," "concur," and "mitigates." These words enhance the sophistication of the writing. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "high level of sugar" is repeated multiple times, which could be substituted with synonyms like "elevated sugar content" or "excessive sugar levels" to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. Keeping a thesaurus handy while drafting can help in finding alternative words that convey the same meaning but add variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "can be considered as an effective measure" could be more assertive. Instead, saying "is an effective measure" would convey confidence. Additionally, the phrase "confronting health diseases" is somewhat awkward; "facing health issues" would be more natural.
- How to improve: Writers should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects their intended meaning. Practicing paraphrasing and seeking feedback on word choice can help improve precision. Reading high-quality essays can also provide insights into more effective vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is mostly accurate, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "can not," which should be written as "cannot" in standard English. This small error detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, perhaps reading it aloud to catch errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools and practicing commonly misspelled words can help improve spelling skills over time.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a band score of 7. By expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can work towards achieving a higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a competent use of a variety of sentence structures. For instance, the author employs complex sentences effectively, such as "If the government imposes heavy taxes upon these unhealthy items, many people may be incapable of paying in the long run." Additionally, there are instances of compound sentences, which help to convey ideas clearly. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and the inclusion of different grammatical forms, such as passive voice or conditional clauses, to enhance the complexity and richness of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could practice using different types of clauses and phrases. For example, incorporating more introductory phrases or varying the placement of adverbial clauses could add depth. Additionally, using passive constructions where appropriate, such as "Health problems are caused by excessive sugar consumption," could enhance the range of structures used.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "the high consumption of sugary products has been paid significant attention to by the public" is awkwardly constructed; a more natural phrasing would be "the high consumption of sugary products has received significant attention from the public." There are also punctuation issues, such as the unnecessary space before commas in "low price , which is affordable" and "heavy taxes upon these unhealthy items , many people." These errors detract slightly from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on sentence clarity and conciseness. Revising sentences for natural phrasing and ensuring that punctuation is used correctly will enhance readability. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common sentence structures and punctuation rules, can also be beneficial. Reading more academic essays can provide examples of accurate grammar and punctuation usage, which can be emulated in future writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, but there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the precision of grammar and punctuation. By addressing these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, the high consumption of sugary products has received significant attention from the public. The high levels of sugar in many processed foods and drinks are attributed to causing several health problems. Some advocate that, in order to reduce sugary products, their prices should be increased. Personally, I concur with this opinion for the following reasons.

Firstly, increasing the price of sugary products can be considered an effective measure. In fact, a plethora of such products are sold at low prices, which are affordable to most people. Therefore, this can easily attract considerable public interest and stimulate our desire for sweets. If the government imposes heavy taxes on these unhealthy products, many people may find it difficult to afford them in the long run. Similarly, the high taxation on tobacco and alcohol has led to a decrease in the consumption of products containing high levels of sugar.

Secondly, this measure can encourage people to make healthier dietary choices. As people hesitate about the price and cannot purchase these items frequently, they may prioritize nutritious food, which is both affordable and better for their health. This shift not only raises awareness but also mitigates the risk of health diseases.

Despite the aforementioned ramifications, some people believe that the increased price of sugary products can impose a financial burden on certain sectors of society. Admittedly, this justification is reasonable to some extent. However, consuming too many unhealthy items can link to numerous health problems like diabetes and obesity, which lead to increasing healthcare expenditures. In the long run, the amount of money we spend on healthcare is likely to exceed what we save from buying sweets.

In conclusion, increasing the cost of sugary products is a crucial strategy to reduce consumption. By adopting these measures, it is possible to alleviate the burden on the healthcare industry while also benefiting our health.