Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. So, sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. So, sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.
Do you agree or disagree?

The role of many manufactured food
and drink products contain high levels of sugar
and sugary products should be made more
expensive is a major topic of the world.
Thus, people want to have good health,
they should reduce sugar consumption in food.
I agree about opinion.

Something about the
drawbacks when many production process contain
high levels of sugar. At first, it will
increase patients must suffering from glycemia and
obesity in the world for example. In America, the
obesity rate is nation accounts for half of
the country, usually appearing in children 20
years old to 40 years old. In addition, it was
decline life span with fat person similarity
life expectancy with nation made up prevalent.
decrease faster and stop at 76%.
However, some solution is that sugary
products should be made more expensive. To
begin with, increase price in food and drink
contain high levels of sugar, this make buyer
feeling tired about money and they will
chosen chosen items cheap and healthy.
In contrast, that having shop sell diet
would keep high levels of level with cost cheap.
To face with that, they should report with local
authorities and refuse sustenance and swell.
In summary we need to run awareness
campaign to inform humans abaspects of eating and drinking sugary items. When
they are made aware it will bring big beneficial in your
life
out the negative

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"The role of many manufactured food" -> "The impact of numerous processed food items"
Explanation: "The role of" is too vague and informal for academic writing. "Manufactured food" can be more precisely described as "processed food items" to convey a clearer meaning.
"and sugary products should be made more expensive is a major topic of the world." -> "and the notion of increasing the price of sugary products is a significant global issue."
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and structure. Separating the clauses and using "notion" instead of "topic" improves readability and formality.
"Thus, people want to have good health, they should reduce sugar consumption in food." -> "Therefore, individuals aspiring to maintain good health should decrease their intake of sugary foods."
Explanation: This revision enhances coherence and formality by restructuring the sentence and using more precise vocabulary.
"I agree about opinion." -> "I concur with this perspective."
Explanation: "I agree about opinion" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Concur" is a more formal synonym for "agree," and "perspective" is a better choice than "opinion" in this context.
"Something about the drawbacks when many production process contain high levels of sugar." -> "Let us consider the drawbacks associated with the presence of high sugar levels in various production processes."
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and precision. Using "Let us consider" introduces a more formal and engaging tone, while "associated with" is more precise than "when many production process contain high levels of sugar."
"At first, it will increase patients must suffering from glycemia and obesity in the world for example." -> "Primarily, it contributes to a rise in patients suffering from conditions such as hyperglycemia and obesity worldwide."
Explanation: "At first" is too casual for formal writing. "Contributes to a rise" is a more precise expression, and "conditions such as hyperglycemia and obesity" provides clarity and specificity.
"In America, the obesity rate is nation accounts for half of the country, usually appearing in children 20 years old to 40 years old." -> "In America, the nation’s obesity rate affects approximately half of the population, predominantly manifesting in individuals aged 20 to 40."
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. Restructuring the sentence and using "affects" instead of "is nation accounts for" improves readability and accuracy.
"In addition, it was decline life span with fat person similarity life expectancy with nation made up prevalent decrease faster and stop at 76%." -> "Moreover, obesity correlates with a decreased lifespan, with affected individuals experiencing a decline in life expectancy, often reaching only 76% of the national average."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and unclear. This revision clarifies the relationship between obesity and decreased lifespan, using more precise vocabulary and structure.
"However, some solution is that sugary products should be made more expensive." -> "Nevertheless, one proposed solution is to increase the cost of sugary products."
Explanation: "However, some solution is that" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. Using "nevertheless" introduces a more formal transition, and "one proposed solution" is more precise and formal than "some solution is that."
"To begin with, increase price in food and drink contain high levels of sugar, this make buyer feeling tired about money and they will chosen chosen items cheap and healthy." -> "Firstly, raising the prices of food and beverages containing high levels of sugar can lead consumers to become more conscious of their spending, prompting them to opt for cheaper and healthier alternatives."
Explanation: The original sentence is fragmented and lacks clarity. Restructuring the sentence and using "raising the prices" instead of "increase price in" improves readability and precision.
"In contrast, that having shop sell diet would keep high levels of level with cost cheap." -> "Conversely, ensuring that stores offer a variety of low-cost dietary options could help maintain affordability while promoting healthier choices."
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. This revision clarifies the contrast between different approaches and uses more precise vocabulary.
"To face with that, they should report with local authorities and refuse sustenance and swell." -> "To address this issue, individuals should engage with local authorities and advocate for dietary changes and public health initiatives."
Explanation: "To face with that" is awkward and informal. "Address this issue" is a more precise phrase, and "advocate for dietary changes and public health initiatives" is clearer and more formal than "refuse sustenance and swell."
"In summary we need to run awareness campaign to inform humans abaspects of eating and drinking sugary items." -> "In summary, launching an awareness campaign to educate the public about the implications of consuming sugary food and beverages is imperative."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and structure. Using "launching an awareness campaign" introduces a more formal and active tone, while "implications of consuming" is clearer and more precise than "abaspects of eating and drinking."
"When they are made aware it will bring big beneficial in your life" -> "Increased awareness will yield significant benefits in individuals’ lives."
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. This revision clarifies the relationship between awareness and benefits, using more precise vocabulary and structure.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt but falls short in fully addressing all parts. It acknowledges the issue of high sugar levels in manufactured food and agrees with the idea that sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage reduced consumption. However, the essay lacks depth in discussing the reasons behind this agreement and fails to explore potential counterarguments or implications of the proposed solution.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure that each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly addressed. Provide more detailed explanations for agreeing with the statement, including specific reasons and potential consequences of implementing the suggested solution. Additionally, consider addressing opposing viewpoints to present a more balanced argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in agreement with the statement. The stance is evident from the opening statement and is maintained throughout the essay. However, the clarity of the position is somewhat hindered by the disjointed structure and language issues, which may cause some confusion for the reader.
- How to improve: Maintain a consistent and coherent structure throughout the essay to ensure the clarity of the presented position. Use cohesive devices and transitional phrases to connect ideas seamlessly and improve readability. Additionally, revise sentence structure and language to enhance clarity and eliminate ambiguity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present, extend, and support ideas but lacks coherence and depth. It briefly mentions the health problems associated with high sugar consumption and proposes making sugary products more expensive as a solution. However, the development of these ideas is shallow, and there is minimal elaboration or evidence provided to support the claims.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and development of ideas, provide more detailed explanations and examples to support arguments. Incorporate relevant statistics, studies, or real-life examples to strengthen the validity of the points made. Additionally, ensure that ideas are logically connected and organized in a cohesive manner to enhance clarity and coherence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to address the topic of sugary products and their impact on health, it struggles to maintain focus and coherence. There are instances of tangential discussion and unclear transitions between ideas, which detract from the overall relevance to the topic.
- How to improve: To stay on topic more effectively, maintain a clear and focused discussion throughout the essay. Avoid introducing extraneous information or unrelated tangents that may distract from the main argument. Use topic sentences and transitions to guide the reader through the logical progression of ideas and ensure that each paragraph contributes to the central theme.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents a clear position in agreement with the statement, there are areas for improvement in addressing all parts of the question, maintaining coherence, and providing sufficient support for ideas. By enhancing the depth of analysis, coherence of structure, and relevance to the topic, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the topic of sugary products and health issues but lacks a clear organizational structure. There is a lack of introductory or concluding paragraphs, and the sequencing of ideas is disjointed. For instance, the essay begins by mentioning health problems related to sugar but fails to develop a cohesive argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should start with a clear introduction that states the position (agree/disagree) and outlines the main points to be discussed. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea and transition smoothly to the next. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is inconsistent and haphazard. Sentences are frequently run together without clear breaks, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow the progression of ideas. There is a need for better structure and coherence within paragraphs.
- How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of that paragraph. Develop the idea with supporting details and examples. Use transition words and phrases to connect paragraphs logically, ensuring a smooth flow of ideas from one paragraph to the next.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices such as pronouns, conjunctions, and linking words are used sparingly and ineffectively. There is a lack of variety and precision in their usage, leading to choppy and disjointed prose.
- How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices to improve coherence. Use pronouns (it, they, their) to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, conjunctions (however, therefore, in addition) to connect ideas within sentences, and linking words (for instance, consequently, moreover) to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This will help create a smoother and more cohesive flow of ideas throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay addresses the topic and presents some relevant points, significant improvements in organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion. Focus on developing a clear structure with well-organized paragraphs and effectively linking ideas to strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of vocabulary, but it lacks depth and coherence. There is some variation in word choice, but it often feels repetitive or awkwardly phrased, which hinders clarity and coherence. For instance, the phrase "the role of many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar" is convoluted and could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, some vocabulary choices are imprecise, such as "something about the drawbacks" and "decline life span," which weaken the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the lexical range, focus on using vocabulary that is directly relevant to the topic and enhances clarity. Avoid overly complex or convoluted expressions. Try to incorporate more specific and varied vocabulary related to health, nutrition, economics, and public policy. Proofread your essay to ensure coherence and clarity in expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise or awkward word choices that detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the argument. For example, "something about the drawbacks" lacks specificity and precision, weakening the argument’s effectiveness. Additionally, phrases like "decline life span" could be clarified to enhance precision and convey the intended meaning more effectively.
- How to improve: Work on selecting vocabulary that precisely conveys your intended meaning. Avoid vague or ambiguous language, and strive for clarity and precision in expression. Consider revising sentences to ensure that each word contributes directly to the overall coherence and effectiveness of the argument. Use a thesaurus or dictionary to explore alternative word choices that may enhance precision and clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate, but there are several instances of errors throughout the essay. For example, "glycemia" should be spelled as "hyperglycemia," and "abaspects" should be "aspects." While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they detract from the overall professionalism and effectiveness of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checkers available in word processing software. Additionally, proofreading your writing carefully before submission can help identify and correct any spelling errors. Familiarize yourself with common spelling patterns and frequently misspelled words to improve overall accuracy in written communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use various sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is limited effectiveness due to frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as "The role of many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar." The essay lacks coherence in sentence structure, resulting in a monotonous flow.
- How to improve: To improve sentence variety and effectiveness, strive for clearer and more concise expression of ideas. Vary the length and complexity of sentences to create a more engaging and coherent narrative. Utilize complex sentence structures with subordinate clauses to convey relationships between ideas more effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits significant grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout its entirety. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("contain" instead of "contains"), incorrect verb tense usage ("decline" instead of "decreases"), and missing or misplaced punctuation marks (e.g., missing commas in compound sentences). These errors hinder the clarity and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Focus on fundamental grammatical concepts such as subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation rules. Practice identifying and correcting these errors systematically. Additionally, proofread your writing carefully to catch and rectify mistakes before submitting the final draft. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to target specific areas for improvement.

Overall, while the essay attempts to address the prompt and present arguments, its effectiveness is significantly hampered by grammatical errors and limited sentence structure variety. Strengthening these areas will enhance the clarity, coherence, and overall quality of the writing, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The issue of many processed food and drink items containing high levels of sugar, leading to potential health problems, is widely discussed worldwide. Consequently, for individuals striving for good health, reducing sugar intake is crucial. I concur with this viewpoint.

Let’s delve into the drawbacks associated with the prevalence of high sugar levels in various production processes. Firstly, it contributes to an increase in patients suffering from conditions such as hyperglycemia and obesity globally. In the United States, approximately half of the population is affected by obesity, mainly among individuals aged 20 to 40. Furthermore, obesity is linked to a shortened lifespan, with affected individuals experiencing a decline in life expectancy, often reaching only 76% of the national average.

Nevertheless, there is a proposed solution: making sugary products more expensive. Firstly, by raising the prices of food and beverages containing high levels of sugar, consumers may become more conscious of their spending, thus opting for cheaper and healthier alternatives. Conversely, ensuring that stores offer a variety of affordable dietary options could promote healthier choices without causing financial strain.

To tackle this issue effectively, individuals should engage with local authorities, advocating for dietary changes and public health initiatives. In summary, launching an awareness campaign to educate the public about the implications of consuming sugary food and beverages is imperative. Increased awareness will yield significant benefits in individuals’ lives.