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Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

Do you agree or disagree?

Snacks available in supermarket contains high concentration of sugar. Consumption of these foods can cuase serious health issues like type 2 diabetes. I firmly agree to the fact that, these products should be sold in high price in order to discourage general public to avoid it.

I developed country, obesecity has became a health crises. Consuming high level of sugar is the primary reason for that. Medical condition such as type 2 diabetes is more prevalent than before. For example, in a NHS study, it is said that around 20% of the diabetic patients are suffering from type 2 diabetes, which is record high.

In addition to that, people who consumes sugar in frequent interval has high dental caries index. They suffer from dental pain and discomfort more often, as a result, they avoid eating certain foods. It opens up the door of many other health condition such as malnutrition. For instance, according to American Endodontic Society, people who has all tooth present are generally more healthy.

There are other effects of consuming carbohydrate rich foods. Many visits to hospitals and dentists are costly, adding up to huge medical bill. Not everyone can afford this, resulting in living a compromised unhealthy life. This affect our mental health, leading to many psycological disorders such as depression.

In conclusion, companies tend to put a high level of sugar in their food and drinks. This brings about a plethora of medical conditions as stated above. I think, the way to avoid this phenomena by increasing the price of these products. This way we can contain this pandemic.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Snacks available in supermarket" -> "Snacks available in supermarkets"
    Explanation: Adding the plural form "supermarkets" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the plural context of the sentence, enhancing the formal tone.

  2. "contains high concentration of sugar" -> "contain high concentrations of sugar"
    Explanation: Changing "contains" to "contain" corrects the verb agreement with the plural subject "snacks," and "concentrations" is more precise than "concentration" to describe the varying levels of sugar in different snacks.

  3. "can cuase" -> "can cause"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "cuase" to "cause," ensuring the proper spelling of the word.

  4. "I firmly agree to the fact that" -> "I firmly agree that"
    Explanation: Removing "to the fact that" simplifies the phrase and makes it more direct and formal, aligning better with academic writing standards.

  5. "should be sold in high price" -> "should be priced higher"
    Explanation: "Priced higher" is a more precise and formal way to express the intended meaning of increasing the cost of these products.

  6. "to discourage general public to avoid it" -> "to discourage the general public from avoiding it"
    Explanation: "From avoiding it" corrects the prepositional phrase, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.

  7. "I developed country" -> "developed country"
    Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error by removing the unnecessary "I" before "developed country," which is an adjective modifying the noun "country."

  8. "obesecity has became" -> "obesity has become"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "obesecity" to "obesity" and changes "has became" to "has become" for grammatical correctness.

  9. "Consuming high level of sugar" -> "Consuming high levels of sugar"
    Explanation: "Levels" is the correct plural form to match the plural subject "Consuming," and it is more precise in describing the varying amounts of sugar.

  10. "Medical condition such as type 2 diabetes" -> "Medical conditions such as type 2 diabetes"
    Explanation: Changing "condition" to "conditions" corrects the plural form to match the plural subject "such as."

  11. "record high" -> "record high"
    Explanation: "Record high" is an idiomatic expression that is appropriate for formal writing, but it could be replaced with "recorded high" for a more formal tone.

  12. "people who consumes sugar in frequent interval" -> "individuals who consume sugar frequently"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "consume sugar frequently" is grammatically correct and clearer than "consumes sugar in frequent interval."

  13. "has high dental caries index" -> "have a high dental caries index"
    Explanation: Corrects the verb agreement to "have" to match the plural subject "individuals," and "a" is replaced with "an" for grammatical correctness.

  14. "This affect our mental health" -> "This affects our mental health"
    Explanation: Corrects the verb "affect" to "affects" for subject-verb agreement.

  15. "psycological disorders" -> "psychological disorders"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "psycological" to "psychological" for accuracy.

  16. "the way to avoid this phenomena" -> "a way to avoid this phenomenon"
    Explanation: "A way" is more appropriate than "the way" in this context, and "phenomenon" is the correct singular form to match the singular subject "this."

  17. "This way we can contain this pandemic" -> "This approach can help contain this pandemic"
    Explanation: "This approach" is more specific and formal than "This way," and "help contain" is more accurate than "can contain" in the context of addressing a problem.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by agreeing with the statement that sugary products should be made more expensive to reduce consumption. The author presents the health issues associated with high sugar intake, such as type 2 diabetes and dental problems, which supports their position. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, which would demonstrate a more balanced consideration of the topic.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should briefly discuss potential counterarguments, such as the impact of price increases on low-income families or the effectiveness of education on sugar consumption. This would provide a more comprehensive view of the issue and strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position throughout the essay, consistently advocating for higher prices on sugary products. Phrases like "I firmly agree" and "I think" reinforce this stance. However, the position could be made even clearer by summarizing the argument in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion more explicitly.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should ensure that the thesis statement in the introduction directly reflects their position and is reiterated in the conclusion. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the main point.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the health impacts of sugar consumption, such as obesity, diabetes, and dental issues. Each point is supported with examples, such as statistics from the NHS and references to studies. However, some ideas could be further developed; for instance, the link between sugar consumption and mental health is introduced but not sufficiently explored.
    • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. For instance, elaborating on how mental health is affected by sugar consumption would strengthen the argument. Additionally, integrating more recent statistics or studies could provide more robust support.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the health implications of sugar consumption and the proposed solution of increasing prices. However, there are moments where the discussion strays slightly, such as when mentioning "malnutrition" without directly linking it back to the main argument about sugary products.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made is directly related to the central argument. Avoiding tangential topics and ensuring that all examples clearly connect back to the main thesis will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, the author could use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to reinforce the main idea being discussed.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant arguments, but there are opportunities for improvement in depth, clarity, and focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of making sugary products more expensive, which is a strong starting point. However, the organization of information could be improved. For instance, the first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s stance but lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed. Subsequent paragraphs generally follow a logical progression, discussing health issues related to sugar consumption, but the connection between these points could be more explicitly stated. For example, the transition from discussing diabetes to dental issues is abrupt and could benefit from a clearer linking sentence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer should include a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main arguments. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader through the essay’s structure. For instance, starting the second paragraph with a sentence that summarizes the health impacts of sugar consumption would create a smoother transition from the introduction.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their effectiveness varies. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, which is a positive aspect. However, some paragraphs are overly long and contain multiple ideas that could be separated for clarity. For example, the third paragraph discusses both dental issues and the broader implications of healthcare costs, which could be split into two distinct paragraphs for better focus.
    • How to improve: The writer should aim to keep paragraphs focused on a single idea or theme. This can be achieved by introducing a main idea at the start of each paragraph and then providing supporting details. For instance, the paragraph discussing dental issues could be dedicated solely to that topic, while another could address the financial implications of healthcare costs related to sugar consumption.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "in addition to that" and "for example," which help to connect ideas. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For instance, the transitions between paragraphs could be enhanced with more varied linking phrases. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that disrupt the flow, such as "this affect our mental health," which should be "this affects our mental health."
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," "consequently," and "on the other hand." Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will help maintain the flow of the essay. For example, correcting errors like "obesecity" to "obesity" and ensuring subject-verb agreement will enhance overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of health and sugar consumption. Terms such as "obesity," "diabetes," "dental caries," and "malnutrition" are appropriately used. However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, such as the repeated use of "sugar" and "health." This indicates a need for broader lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "sugar," alternatives like "sweeteners," "glucose," or "sugary substances" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "health complications" or "well-being" instead of "health problems" would add variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are notable instances of imprecise usage. For example, "I developed country" should be "In developed countries," and "obesecity" is a misspelling of "obesity." The phrase "general public to avoid it" is also awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. Proofreading for grammatical structures and ensuring that phrases are correctly formed will enhance the overall quality. For example, revising "I firmly agree to the fact that" to "I firmly agree that" would improve clarity. Additionally, using phrases like "the general public" instead of "general public" would enhance precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "cuase" instead of "cause," "obesecity" instead of "obesity," "psychoogical" instead of "psychological," and "this affect" instead of "this affects." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should consider implementing a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and familiarizing oneself with the correct spelling of key vocabulary related to the topic will be beneficial. Keeping a list of frequently used terms and their correct spellings can also serve as a helpful reference.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and uses relevant vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in terms of lexical range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their Lexical Resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking complexity. For example, sentences like "Snacks available in supermarket contains high concentration of sugar" and "I developed country, obesecity has became a health crises" are straightforward but do not showcase varied grammatical forms. The use of subordinate clauses is minimal, and the essay relies heavily on basic sentence forms, which restricts its overall effectiveness and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those using relative clauses, conditional structures, or varied conjunctions. For instance, instead of saying "Consumption of these foods can cuase serious health issues like type 2 diabetes," the writer could say, "Because consumption of these foods can lead to serious health issues, such as type 2 diabetes, it is crucial to address their pricing." Practicing sentence combining exercises and reviewing complex sentence structures can help diversify the writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, "contains" should be "contain" to agree with the plural subject "snacks." The phrase "I firmly agree to the fact that" is awkward; "I firmly agree that" would be more appropriate. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary comma in "I firmly agree to the fact that, these products should be sold in high price." The use of articles is inconsistent, as seen in "In a NHS study," which should be "In an NHS study."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper article usage, and sentence structure. Regular grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors before submission can help catch mistakes that may otherwise go unnoticed. Engaging with grammar resources or seeking feedback from peers can also enhance understanding and application of grammatical rules.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, the limited range of structures and grammatical inaccuracies hinder its effectiveness. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Snacks available in supermarkets contain high concentrations of sugar. Consumption of these foods can cause serious health issues like type 2 diabetes. I firmly agree that these products should be sold at a higher price in order to discourage the general public from consuming them.

In developed countries, obesity has become a health crisis. Consuming high levels of sugar is the primary reason for that. Medical conditions such as type 2 diabetes are more prevalent than before. For example, in an NHS study, it is said that around 20% of diabetic patients are suffering from type 2 diabetes, which is a record high.

In addition to that, people who consume sugar at frequent intervals have a high dental caries index. They suffer from dental pain and discomfort more often; as a result, they avoid eating certain foods. This opens the door to many other health conditions such as malnutrition. For instance, according to the American Endodontic Society, people who have all their teeth present are generally healthier.

There are other effects of consuming carbohydrate-rich foods. Many visits to hospitals and dentists are costly, adding up to huge medical bills. Not everyone can afford this, resulting in a compromised unhealthy life. This affects our mental health, leading to many psychological disorders such as depression.

In conclusion, companies tend to put high levels of sugar in their food and drinks. This brings about a plethora of medical conditions as stated above. I think the way to avoid this phenomenon is by increasing the price of these products. This way, we can help contain this pandemic.

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