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Many parents today do not spend much time with their children. Why is this?

Many parents today do not spend much time with their children.
Why is this?

The lack of time spent on children by parents is primarily caused by hectic schedules. These days, both parents and children are overloaded with their daily tasks. Due to the high cost of living in modern society, parents have a tendency to do other side jobs in addition to their nine to five jobs so that they can earn sufficient money for pay for daily expenses. When they end the day at nine or ten o’clock, it is the time that children are completing homework and assignments for the next school day. As a result, parents and children seem not to be able to spend quality time together.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "The lack of time spent on children by parents" -> "Parents’ insufficient allocation of time to their children"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision and sounds informal. The suggested alternative provides a more formal and specific description of the issue.

  2. "These days" -> "In contemporary times"
    Explanation: "These days" is colloquial; replacing it with "In contemporary times" maintains formality and academic style.

  3. "other side jobs" -> "additional employment"
    Explanation: "Other side jobs" is informal; using "additional employment" is more formal and aligns with academic language.

  4. "nine to five jobs" -> "standard office hours"
    Explanation: "Nine to five jobs" is a colloquial expression. Substituting it with "standard office hours" enhances formality and clarity.

  5. "so that they can earn sufficient money for pay for daily expenses" -> "to secure adequate funds to cover daily expenses"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested alternative is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

  6. "When they end the day at nine or ten o’clock" -> "Upon concluding their workday around nine or ten o’clock"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative is more formal and precise than the original phrase.

  7. "it is the time that children are completing homework and assignments" -> "this is when children engage in completing homework and assignments"
    Explanation: The revised version is more formal and provides a clearer structure to the sentence.

  8. "seem not to be able to" -> "appear unable to"
    Explanation: The phrase "seem not to be able to" is less formal. Replacing it with "appear unable to" maintains formality and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the question by attributing the lack of time spent with children to hectic schedules and additional side jobs. However, it doesn’t explore other potential factors or perspectives, such as changing societal norms, technological distractions, or personal choices. To improve, the essay should consider a more comprehensive analysis of various factors influencing parent-child interaction.
    • How to improve: To provide a more well-rounded response, consider examining other possible reasons for the observed behavior. Include examples or counterarguments that add depth to the analysis, demonstrating a nuanced understanding of the issue.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the lack of time spent with children is primarily due to hectic schedules and additional work commitments. However, it could enhance clarity by explicitly stating this position in the introduction and restating it in the conclusion for emphasis. Additionally, the essay should avoid presenting conflicting ideas, ensuring a consistent stance.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the thesis statement in the introduction, summarizing the main argument. Throughout the essay, reaffirm this position and avoid introducing contradictory statements or unclear sentiments. This will provide a more coherent and persuasive structure.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents the idea that lack of time is due to hectic schedules and side jobs, but it lacks depth and examples to fully support and extend these ideas. Providing specific instances, anecdotes, or statistical evidence could enhance the credibility and persuasiveness of the argument.
    • How to improve: Include concrete examples or case studies to illustrate the impact of hectic schedules and side jobs on parent-child interactions. Elaborate on how these factors create time constraints and lead to a lack of quality time. This will strengthen the essay’s overall persuasiveness.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the impact of hectic schedules and side jobs on parent-child interaction. However, it could be more focused and avoid generalizations. For instance, the reference to the high cost of living seems somewhat tangential to the main point and could be omitted for a more streamlined argument.
    • How to improve: Stick closely to the central theme of hectic schedules and side jobs as the primary reasons for limited parent-child time. Remove tangential details that don’t directly contribute to this argument, ensuring a more focused and concise response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a logical organization of information by addressing the main cause of the issue—hectic schedules—and its subsequent effects on parent-child interaction. The essay flows coherently from the identification of the problem to its consequences, demonstrating a clear cause-and-effect relationship. However, the lack of exploration of potential solutions or alternative perspectives may limit the depth of analysis.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider expanding the essay to include potential solutions or alternative viewpoints. This can provide a more comprehensive and nuanced exploration of the topic, leading to a more well-rounded argument.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate distinct ideas. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the issue, such as the cause of time scarcity and its impact on parent-child interaction. However, the essay consists of only one main paragraph, which might make it appear somewhat monolithic.

    • How to improve: Break the essay into more paragraphs to create a visually appealing and reader-friendly structure. For instance, consider separating the introduction, the discussion of hectic schedules, the consequences on parent-child interaction, and a brief conclusion. This would help in emphasizing key points and improving the overall readability.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices, such as transitions like "These days," "Due to," and "As a result." While these devices contribute to some degree of coherence, there is a limited variety. Additionally, the essay lacks explicit connections between ideas, which could enhance the overall flow.

    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases. Moreover, make explicit connections between sentences and ideas. For instance, use words like "furthermore" or "in addition" to highlight relationships between causes and effects. This will create a smoother flow and strengthen the coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to express ideas using varied words, some phrases and expressions are repeated, limiting the overall diversity. For instance, the repetition of "nine to five jobs" and "daily tasks" could be substituted with alternative phrases to enhance variety.
    • How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, consider using synonyms and exploring different expressions for common phrases. This could involve employing more varied descriptors for daily tasks and alternative terms for work schedules. Additionally, incorporating specific examples or anecdotes could add depth and richness to the vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where word choices could be more accurate. For example, the phrase "other side jobs" could be replaced with "additional part-time work" for a more precise description. Additionally, the term "the high cost of living" could be specified further to enhance precision.
    • How to improve: Aim for more precise language by choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Consider using terms like "additional part-time work" instead of vague expressions. Furthermore, specifying aspects of the high cost of living, such as housing expenses or educational costs, would add clarity and specificity to the argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits correct spelling, with minimal errors. However, there is a minor issue with the phrase "earn sufficient money for pay for daily expenses," where the preposition "for" appears twice in succession. It should be revised to "earn sufficient money to pay for daily expenses."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to prepositions and word order. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools can be beneficial in identifying and correcting such minor errors.

Overall, while the essay displays a reasonably good command of vocabulary, refining the precision and variety of word choices, along with meticulous proofreading, can contribute to an even stronger lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. The majority of sentences are simple, and there is a lack of complexity in the sentence construction. For example, many sentences follow a basic subject-verb-object pattern, and there is a reliance on short, straightforward sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance the Grammatical Range and Accuracy, the writer should incorporate a more diverse set of sentence structures. This could include the use of compound and complex sentences, varied sentence beginnings, and different types of clauses. Introducing these elements will contribute to a more sophisticated and engaging writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: While there are no major grammatical errors, there are instances where the accuracy could be improved. For example, in the sentence "so that they can earn sufficient money for pay for daily expenses," there is a redundancy with the use of "for pay for." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the lack of a comma after "When they end the day at nine or ten o’clock."
    • How to improve: The writer should carefully review the essay for grammatical accuracy, focusing on eliminating redundancies and ensuring correct punctuation usage. Attention to detail in these areas will enhance the overall clarity and precision of the writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar and sentence structures, there is room for improvement in both areas. Diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The insufficient time that parents dedicate to their children can be attributed mainly to their busy schedules. In contemporary times, both parents and children find themselves overwhelmed with their daily responsibilities. The necessity for additional employment arises due to the high cost of living in modern society, leading parents to take on extra jobs alongside their standard office hours. This is essential to secure adequate funds to cover daily expenses.

Upon concluding their workday around nine or ten o’clock, this is when children engage in completing homework and assignments for the next school day. Unfortunately, during this crucial time, parents appear unable to allocate quality time to interact with their children. The demands of work and the pressures of ensuring financial stability create a situation where meaningful family time is often sacrificed. In essence, the contemporary lifestyle, characterized by extended work hours and the pursuit of additional income, seems to be a significant factor contributing to the limited quality time spent between parents and their children.

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