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“Many people are busy with work and do not have time to spend with family and friends” BODY 1: Why does this happen? BODY 2: What are the effects of this on family life and society as a whole?

“Many people are busy with work and do not have time to spend with family and friends”
BODY 1: Why does this happen?
BODY 2: What are the effects of this on family life and society as a whole?

Nowadays, with the development of industrialization and modernization, human's living standards have been improved significantly, and human rights are being paid close attention. Although people's lives are increasingly modern, some problems still occur that they cannot control. Specifically, this common social problem of making people busy with work and not having time for family and friends will be discussed below.
On the one hand, a variety of main reasons are responsible for the phenomenon. Firstly, keen competition makes employees work overtime. Clearly, it is really hard for people to find employment in a job market because of many talent employers who used to study abroad. Moreover, because humans are living in modern technology, everything is operated by technology. Therefore, many people have to spend more time learning new technologies and upgrading knowledge and skills. This is true for Grab drivers, they must know how to use technology to serve their main daily job of carrying passengers or delivering goods. Finally, they must spend time processing all types of information in this information age. As a result, the quality family time reduces. By way of illustration, the image of Grab drivers rushing to eat and drink every day to continue work as quickly as possible to earn more income for their families.
This fact has a negative effects on individuals, families and society. For a person, they are likely to suffer from mental and physical disease. When you spend too much time working, it can cause your body to suffer a lot of fatigue and not care about time. This can have a huge impact on your health and spirit, leading to many negative consequences, leading to separation from family and friends because when you come home from work tired, you just want to rest. Gradually causing me to lose balance in life, no time for myself, no time to have fun with relatives and friends. More importantly, for a family, divorce rates and teenage delinquency will be high. If a parent is too focused on work and does not care about their child's family, it can lead to negative consequences, such as the child not feeling their parents' love and it is difficult to teach them obedience.
In conclusion, this outstanding matter has sparked several opposing opinions. In my opinion, I must know how to arrange work and family time appropriately to avoid affecting my health and mental well-being, which is the best choice.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Nowadays" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."

  2. "human’s living standards" -> "human living standards"
    Explanation: Removing the possessive form "human’s" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone.

  3. "are being paid close attention" -> "are receiving increased attention"
    Explanation: "Are receiving increased attention" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "are being paid close attention."

  4. "some problems still occur that they cannot control" -> "certain issues persist that are uncontrollable"
    Explanation: "Certain issues persist that are uncontrollable" is more concise and academically appropriate, replacing the informal and vague "some problems still occur that they cannot control."

  5. "making people busy with work and not having time for family and friends" -> "leaving individuals insufficient time for family and friends due to work commitments"
    Explanation: This revision clarifies the cause and effect, using more precise language that is suitable for academic writing.

  6. "keen competition makes employees work overtime" -> "intense competition leads to overtime work"
    Explanation: "Intense competition leads to overtime work" is more direct and formal, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.

  7. "it is really hard for people to find employment" -> "it is challenging for individuals to secure employment"
    Explanation: "It is challenging for individuals to secure employment" uses more formal vocabulary and avoids the colloquial "really hard."

  8. "many talent employers" -> "numerous skilled employers"
    Explanation: "Numerous skilled employers" corrects the grammatical error and uses more precise language.

  9. "humans are living in modern technology" -> "people are living in a technologically advanced society"
    Explanation: "People are living in a technologically advanced society" is more accurate and formal, avoiding the awkward and incorrect phrase "humans are living in modern technology."

  10. "spend more time learning new technologies" -> "devote more time to acquiring new technologies"
    Explanation: "Devote more time to acquiring new technologies" is more formal and precise, suitable for academic writing.

  11. "This is true for Grab drivers" -> "This is exemplified by Grab drivers"
    Explanation: "This is exemplified by Grab drivers" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce an example.

  12. "the quality family time reduces" -> "family quality time decreases"
    Explanation: "Family quality time decreases" corrects the awkward phrasing and aligns with formal academic style.

  13. "negative effects on individuals, families and society" -> "adverse impacts on individuals, families, and society"
    Explanation: "Adverse impacts" is a more precise and formal term than "negative effects," enhancing the academic tone.

  14. "they are likely to suffer from mental and physical disease" -> "they are susceptible to mental and physical illnesses"
    Explanation: "Susceptible to mental and physical illnesses" is a more precise and formal expression.

  15. "not care about time" -> "neglect time"
    Explanation: "Neglect time" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea of not paying attention to time.

  16. "leading to many negative consequences, leading to separation from family and friends" -> "resulting in numerous negative consequences, including separation from family and friends"
    Explanation: This revision clarifies the causal relationship and uses more formal language.

  17. "no time for myself, no time to have fun with relatives and friends" -> "insufficient time for personal activities and social engagements"
    Explanation: "Insufficient time for personal activities and social engagements" is a more formal and precise way to express the lack of time for personal and social activities.

  18. "outstanding matter" -> "significant issue"
    Explanation: "Significant issue" is a more appropriate and formal term than "outstanding matter" in this context.

  19. "I must know how to arrange work and family time" -> "it is essential to manage work and family time effectively"
    Explanation: "It is essential to manage work and family time effectively" shifts the focus to a more formal and impersonal tone, suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt effectively. The first body paragraph discusses the reasons why people are busy with work, citing competition and the need for technological proficiency as key factors. The second body paragraph explores the effects of this busyness on individuals and families, highlighting issues such as mental health problems and increased divorce rates. However, while the reasons are presented, the effects could be elaborated further to provide a more comprehensive response.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each reason is clearly linked to its corresponding effect. For instance, after discussing the impact of competition on work hours, the writer could explicitly connect this to specific societal consequences, such as increased stress levels or community disengagement.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the negative consequences of being busy with work. The conclusion reiterates the importance of balancing work and family time. However, the position could be more consistently emphasized throughout the essay, particularly in the introduction and conclusion, where a stronger thesis statement could guide the reader.
    • How to improve: The writer should include a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main arguments. Additionally, reinforcing the position in the conclusion by summarizing the key points discussed would strengthen the overall clarity and coherence of the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented and supported with relevant examples, such as the mention of Grab drivers and the impact of work on family dynamics. However, some points lack depth; for example, the discussion on mental health could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to illustrate the severity of the issue.
    • How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more detailed evidence and examples for each point made. Incorporating statistics, studies, or more illustrative anecdotes could enhance the persuasiveness of the arguments and provide a more robust support structure for the claims.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the reasons for and effects of being busy with work. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the discussion of individual effects could be more tightly linked to the broader societal implications.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. Using topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph can help keep the writing on track and ensure that all content is relevant to the task at hand.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in depth, clarity, and coherence. By addressing these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with two distinct body paragraphs addressing the prompt. The first body paragraph discusses the reasons for people being busy with work, while the second focuses on the effects of this phenomenon on family life and society. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the reasons and the effects could be more explicit. The mention of Grab drivers, while relevant, feels somewhat disconnected from the broader argument about work-life balance.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear transition phrases between sections and ideas. For example, after discussing the reasons, a phrase like "These factors contribute significantly to…" could help link the two body paragraphs more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that examples directly support the main argument will strengthen the overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each body paragraph has a clear focus, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, the introduction could benefit from a more defined thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed, which would guide the reader through the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. In the introduction, explicitly state the reasons and effects that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. This will provide a roadmap for the reader and enhance the overall clarity of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "As a result," which help to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the use of conjunctions and linking phrases could be more varied. For example, the phrase "this fact has a negative effect" could be replaced with alternatives like "Consequently" or "As a result," to avoid repetition.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases throughout the essay. For instance, use "In addition," "Furthermore," or "On the contrary" to introduce new ideas or counterarguments. This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a stronger command of cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and maintains a logical structure, focusing on clearer transitions, enhancing paragraph clarity, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety in word choice and expression. Phrases like "human’s living standards have been improved significantly" and "keen competition makes employees work overtime" are somewhat repetitive and could benefit from more varied synonyms or expressions. Additionally, terms like "modern technology" and "information age" are used without variation, which limits the lexical richness of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or alternative phrases. For example, instead of "modern technology," terms like "advanced technology" or "cutting-edge technology" could be employed. Additionally, varying sentence structures and incorporating idiomatic expressions or collocations could also enrich the vocabulary used.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay does convey its points, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "humans are living in modern technology" is awkward and unclear; it would be more precise to say "humans are increasingly reliant on modern technology." Furthermore, the phrase "this outstanding matter" in the conclusion is vague and does not clearly refer back to the main topic discussed.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity in word choice. Revising phrases for clearer meaning is essential. For instance, instead of "the image of Grab drivers rushing to eat and drink," a more precise description could be "the scenario of Grab drivers quickly grabbing meals between shifts." This not only clarifies the meaning but also enhances the overall quality of the writing.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "effects" (used as "effects" in the phrase "negative effects on individuals") and "disease" (which should be "diseases" when referring to multiple health issues). These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify and correct spelling mistakes. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words and practicing them can further improve spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, it can be enhanced by expanding the range of vocabulary, improving precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling throughout. By focusing on these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "Although people’s lives are increasingly modern" and "Specifically, this common social problem of making people busy with work" showcases an ability to construct more complex ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting several sentences with "Moreover" or "Firstly," which can make the writing feel formulaic. Additionally, some sentences are overly long and convoluted, which can obscure meaning, such as "This fact has a negative effects on individuals, families and society."
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider varying the use of transition words and phrases. Instead of relying heavily on "Firstly," "Moreover," and "Finally," try integrating other connectors like "In addition," "Conversely," or "On the contrary." Additionally, break down overly complex sentences into shorter, clearer ones to enhance readability. For example, the sentence about Grab drivers could be split into two sentences for clarity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "human’s living standards have been improved significantly" should be "humans’ living standards have improved significantly," as the possessive form is incorrectly used. Furthermore, "This fact has a negative effects" should be corrected to "This fact has negative effects," as "effects" is plural and does not require "a." Punctuation is also inconsistent; for instance, the use of commas in complex sentences is sometimes missing, which can lead to run-on sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to review subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Practicing sentence rewriting can also help clarify complex ideas. For punctuation, pay attention to the rules regarding commas in compound and complex sentences. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where pauses are needed, indicating where commas should be placed. Additionally, consider using grammar-checking tools or resources to identify and correct common errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, focusing on the diversity of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, with the development of industrialization and modernization, human living standards have improved significantly, and human rights are receiving increased attention. Although people’s lives are increasingly modern, certain issues persist that are uncontrollable. Specifically, this common social problem of making people busy with work and not having time for family and friends will be discussed below.

On the one hand, a variety of main reasons are responsible for this phenomenon. Firstly, intense competition makes employees work overtime. Clearly, it is really hard for people to secure employment in a job market because of numerous skilled employers who studied abroad. Moreover, because people are living in a technologically advanced society, everything is operated by technology. Therefore, many individuals have to devote more time to acquiring new technologies and upgrading their knowledge and skills. This is exemplified by Grab drivers; they must know how to use technology to serve their main daily job of carrying passengers or delivering goods. Finally, they must spend time processing all types of information in this information age. As a result, family quality time decreases. By way of illustration, consider the image of Grab drivers rushing to eat and drink every day to continue working as quickly as possible to earn more income for their families.

This fact has adverse impacts on individuals, families, and society. For a person, they are likely to suffer from mental and physical illnesses. When you spend too much time working, it can cause your body to experience a lot of fatigue and neglect time for personal activities and social engagements. This can have a huge impact on your health and spirit, leading to numerous negative consequences, including separation from family and friends because when you come home from work tired, you just want to rest. Gradually, this causes individuals to lose balance in life, with insufficient time for themselves and no time to have fun with relatives and friends. More importantly, for a family, divorce rates and teenage delinquency will be high. If a parent is too focused on work and does not care about their child’s needs, it can lead to negative consequences, such as the child not feeling their parents’ love, making it difficult to teach them obedience.

In conclusion, this significant issue has sparked several opposing opinions. In my opinion, it is essential to manage work and family time effectively to avoid affecting one’s health and mental well-being, which is the best choice.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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