Many people are studying abroad. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Many people are studying abroad.
Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
It is a fact that the young people are pursuing higher education programs abroad. In my opinion, this phenomenon has so far proven to be more beneficial than harmful.
On the hand, it is clear that this can create numerous demerits. First of all, if young people study overseas, they may encounter many serious natural disasters. For example, Japan which is a country famous for its rich culture, advanced science and technology and majestic natural landscapes. However, Japan also faces many great challenges from nature. Specifically, this country suffers from earthquakes, tsunamis and floods. Another reason is that the expenses of studying abroad can add up rapidly. If overseas students want to live comfortably, the cost of living must be very high to pay for food, transportation and so on.
On the other hand, despite the demerits mentioned above, the merits of this are more noticeable. The first significant merit of this lies in increasing foreign language proficiency. This is because the young people studying abroad will have many opportunities to meet foreigners. Then international students can improve their language and we use them actively. Additionally, what makes this beneficial is that the students can also experience new cultures which gives them a deep understanding where they live.
In conclusion, it seems to me that the advantages of this are more considerable than its disadvantages.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"It is a fact that" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
Explanation: "It is widely acknowledged that" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce a general statement, avoiding the colloquial tone of "It is a fact that." -
"the young people" -> "young individuals"
Explanation: "Young individuals" is more precise and formal than "the young people," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"this phenomenon" -> "this trend"
Explanation: "This trend" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "this phenomenon," which can be overly broad and vague. -
"On the hand" -> "On the other hand"
Explanation: "On the other hand" is the correct phrase, correcting the typographical error and maintaining the formal tone. -
"demerits" -> "drawbacks"
Explanation: "Drawbacks" is a more commonly used term in academic writing than "demerits," which is less typical in formal English. -
"encounter many serious natural disasters" -> "face numerous natural disasters"
Explanation: "Face" is a more precise verb in this context, indicating the challenges or difficulties, whereas "encounter" can imply a more casual or chance meeting. -
"famous for its rich culture, advanced science and technology and majestic natural landscapes" -> "renowned for its rich culture, advanced science, and majestic natural landscapes"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "technology" corrects the punctuation error, and using "renowned" instead of "famous" enhances the formality of the description. -
"great challenges from nature" -> "significant challenges posed by nature"
Explanation: "Significant challenges posed by nature" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the nature of the challenges. -
"the expenses of studying abroad can add up rapidly" -> "the costs of studying abroad can escalate rapidly"
Explanation: "Escalate" is a more precise term than "add up," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing. -
"the cost of living must be very high to pay for food, transportation and so on" -> "the cost of living must be substantial to cover expenses such as food and transportation"
Explanation: "Substantial" is more formal than "very high," and "cover expenses such as" is more precise and formal than "pay for and so on." -
"the merits of this are more noticeable" -> "the benefits of this are more evident"
Explanation: "Benefits" is a more commonly used term in academic writing than "merits," and "evident" is more formal than "noticeable." -
"Then international students can improve their language and we use them actively" -> "International students can thereby improve their language skills and utilize them effectively"
Explanation: "Thereby" corrects the awkward phrasing, and "utilize them effectively" is more formal and precise than "use them actively." -
"what makes this beneficial is that the students can also experience new cultures which gives them a deep understanding where they live" -> "this is beneficial because students can also experience new cultures, thereby gaining a deeper understanding of their surroundings"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence structure and uses more formal language, improving the flow and precision of the statement. -
"it seems to me that the advantages of this are more considerable than its disadvantages" -> "it appears that the advantages of this outweigh its disadvantages"
Explanation: "It appears that" is more formal than "it seems to me," and "outweigh" is a more precise term than "are more considerable," aligning better with academic style.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of studying abroad. However, it lacks a thorough exploration of each aspect. The disadvantages mentioned, such as natural disasters and high costs, are not sufficiently developed or supported with examples. The advantages, while touched upon, also lack depth. For instance, the essay mentions language proficiency and cultural experiences but does not elaborate on how these benefits impact students’ futures or contribute to their personal growth.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both the advantages and disadvantages are explored in greater detail. This could involve providing specific examples of how studying abroad has positively impacted individuals or how the disadvantages have affected students’ experiences. Additionally, the writer should clearly articulate whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages with a more reasoned argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear opinion that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. However, this position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages is abrupt, which may confuse the reader about the writer’s stance. The conclusion reiterates the position but does not summarize the key points effectively.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the disadvantages, a clear transition could be made to the advantages by stating, "Despite these challenges, the benefits of studying abroad are significant." Additionally, summarizing key points in the conclusion would help reinforce the position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat relevant but lack depth and support. For example, the mention of natural disasters as a disadvantage is not well-explained or connected to the broader context of studying abroad. Similarly, the advantages of language proficiency and cultural experiences are introduced but not fully developed with examples or further explanation.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing specific examples of how language skills gained abroad have benefited individuals in their careers or how cultural experiences have led to personal growth. Each point should be clearly linked back to the central argument of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of studying abroad. However, some points, such as the mention of Japan’s natural disasters, feel somewhat disconnected from the main argument. The focus on Japan’s culture and technology, while interesting, detracts from the central discussion of the pros and cons of studying abroad.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made are directly relevant to the question of whether the advantages of studying abroad outweigh the disadvantages. It would be beneficial to avoid tangential information that does not contribute to the argument. A more structured approach, with clear sections dedicated to each aspect of the prompt, would help maintain relevance throughout the essay.
In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim for greater depth in discussing both advantages and disadvantages, maintain a clear and consistent position, support ideas with specific examples, and ensure that all content remains focused on the prompt. Additionally, addressing the word count requirement would also be crucial for achieving a higher score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that the advantages of studying abroad outweigh the disadvantages. However, the organization of information could be improved. The introduction effectively states the writer’s opinion, but the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages is abrupt. For instance, the phrase "On the hand" is a typographical error and should be "On the other hand," which disrupts the logical flow. Additionally, the points made about disadvantages are somewhat vague and could benefit from clearer connections to the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smooth and clearly indicate a shift in focus. Using phrases like "Conversely" or "In contrast" can help clarify the transition from disadvantages to advantages. Furthermore, each point should be explicitly linked back to the main argument, reinforcing how they support the overall thesis.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, the second discusses disadvantages, and the third focuses on advantages. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. For example, the second paragraph mixes two distinct disadvantages (natural disasters and costs) without clear separation, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. Consider splitting the second paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one discussing the risks of natural disasters and the other addressing financial concerns. This would allow for a more detailed exploration of each point and improve clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "on the other hand," and "additionally," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the use of cohesion feels forced or repetitive. For example, the phrase "what makes this beneficial" is somewhat awkward and could be replaced with a more natural transition.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," "in addition," and "however." Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help avoid repetition and create smoother transitions between ideas. For instance, instead of repeating "young people," you could use "they" or "students" in subsequent sentences to maintain cohesion without redundancy.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices would enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score further.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "higher education programs," "natural disasters," "expenses," and "foreign language proficiency." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety, particularly in the way ideas are expressed. For instance, phrases such as "young people" and "study abroad" are repeated without variation, which can detract from the overall richness of the language used.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "young people," alternatives like "students," "youth," or "young adults" could be employed. Additionally, varying phrases like "study abroad" with "pursue education overseas" or "attend foreign institutions" would enrich the text.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the expenses of studying abroad can add up rapidly" is somewhat vague; it could be more specific by detailing what types of expenses are being referred to. Furthermore, the phrase "this phenomenon has so far proven to be more beneficial than harmful" could be clearer by specifying what "this phenomenon" refers to in the context of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to clarify and specify their vocabulary. For instance, instead of saying "expenses," they could specify "tuition fees, accommodation costs, and living expenses." Additionally, ensuring that all pronouns and references are clear will enhance the precision of the essay.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with no major errors that would impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "On the hand," which should be "On the other hand." This error, while not a spelling mistake per se, reflects a lack of attention to detail in phrasing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling and overall accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on common phrases and transitions. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or reading the essay aloud can help catch these types of errors. Additionally, practicing spelling of frequently used academic vocabulary can further improve accuracy.
In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring spelling and phrasing accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as “If overseas students want to live comfortably, the cost of living must be very high to pay for food, transportation and so on” showcases an understanding of more intricate grammatical forms. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase “what makes this beneficial is that the students can also experience new cultures” could be restructured to enhance clarity and engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases, such as “In addition to…” or “Furthermore,” to connect ideas smoothly. Additionally, using more relative clauses or participial phrases can add complexity. For instance, instead of saying “the young people studying abroad,” you could say “young people who are studying abroad,” which adds a layer of detail.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase “On the hand” should be corrected to “On the one hand.” Additionally, the sentence “For example, Japan which is a country famous for its rich culture, advanced science and technology and majestic natural landscapes” is missing commas around the non-restrictive clause “which is a country famous for its rich culture, advanced science and technology.” This oversight can lead to confusion for the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread for common errors, particularly with conjunctions and punctuation. Practice using commas correctly in complex sentences, especially around clauses. Additionally, consider revising sentences to ensure they are complete and clear. For example, the sentence “However, Japan also faces many great challenges from nature” could be rephrased for clarity: “However, Japan also faces significant challenges posed by nature.” This not only corrects the grammatical structure but also enhances the overall flow of the argument.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is a fact that young individuals are pursuing higher education programs abroad. In my opinion, this phenomenon has so far proven to be more beneficial than harmful.
On one hand, it is clear that this trend can create numerous drawbacks. First of all, if young people study overseas, they may encounter significant challenges posed by nature. For example, Japan, which is renowned for its rich culture, advanced science, and majestic natural landscapes, also faces many serious natural disasters. Specifically, this country suffers from earthquakes, tsunamis, and floods. Another reason is that the costs of studying abroad can escalate rapidly. If overseas students want to live comfortably, the cost of living must be substantial to cover expenses such as food and transportation.
On the other hand, despite the demerits mentioned above, the benefits of this are more evident. The first significant advantage lies in the improvement of foreign language proficiency. This is because young individuals studying abroad will have many opportunities to meet foreigners. International students can thereby enhance their language skills and utilize them effectively. Additionally, this is beneficial because students can also experience new cultures, thereby gaining a deeper understanding of their surroundings.
In conclusion, it appears that the advantages of studying abroad outweigh its disadvantages.