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Many people around the world use social media to keep in touch with other people and news events Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Many people around the world use social media to keep in touch with other people and news events
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Social media have become omnipresent all over the world.Although they can help us to stay in touch and catch up with others' lives, updating the latest news, our personal information may confront the risk of being stolen. I firmly believe that the demerits of this development outweigh its merits.

Admittedly, social media can bring the whole world closer. For example, with the advent of many virtual platforms such as Facebook or X, we can contact other friends at any time and any place, facilitating the way we keep in touch with others. Furthermore, we can easily get access to the latest events happening around the globe. A live video of the music concert in Vietnam shared by a person,for instance, could be witnessed by all members of the friend list, regardless of where their positions are. Overall, we, indeed, reap many significant benefits from those networking sites, supporting our lives.

On the contrary, our personal information may be prone to the hazard of being stolen. The rate of cybercrime has risen at an unprecedented level, leaving technophobes vulnerable to being scammed. The elderly groups of people in the USA, for instance, were shown to be the main victims of hackers by a report conducted by Harvard university in 2018. Hackers hack the accounts and may misuse the data shared by social media, stealing a substantial amount of money. Additionally, not only does cybercrime cause financial damage to the users, but the phenomenon of cyberbullying may also lead to mental damage. Social media allows people to hide their identities, contributing to the high rate of cyberbullying since they know they will not be punished for their behaviors. Hence, social media affects people adversely, leading to many troubles.

In conclusion, although networking sites provide people with many benefits, it may lead us to fall into aforementioned problems. I strongly believe that the disadvantages of social media overpower its advantages.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Social media have become omnipresent all over the world." -> "Social media has become ubiquitous worldwide."
    Explanation: Replacing "have become omnipresent all over the world" with "has become ubiquitous worldwide" offers a more formal and concise expression without losing the intended meaning.

  2. "updating the latest news" -> "staying informed with the latest news"
    Explanation: The phrase "updating the latest news" is awkward; replacing it with "staying informed with the latest news" maintains clarity and aligns with a more formal style.

  3. "I firmly believe that the demerits of this development outweigh its merits." -> "I strongly contend that the drawbacks of this development outweigh its benefits."
    Explanation: Substituting "firmly believe" with "strongly contend" and replacing "demerits" with "drawbacks" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.

  4. "For example, with the advent of many virtual platforms such as Facebook or X," -> "For instance, with the proliferation of virtual platforms like Facebook or X,"
    Explanation: Replacing "advent" with "proliferation" and "example" with "instance" contributes to a more sophisticated and precise expression, adhering to academic style.

  5. "we, indeed, reap many significant benefits" -> "we indeed derive numerous significant benefits"
    Explanation: Replacing "reap" with "derive" and adjusting the sentence structure improves formality and maintains clarity.

  6. "may be prone to the hazard of being stolen." -> "may be vulnerable to the risk of theft."
    Explanation: Substituting "prone to the hazard of being stolen" with "vulnerable to the risk of theft" conveys the same idea in a more formal manner.

  7. "The rate of cybercrime has risen at an unprecedented level," -> "The incidence of cybercrime has surged to unprecedented levels,"
    Explanation: The phrase "has risen at an unprecedented level" is refined to "has surged to unprecedented levels," enhancing formality and precision.

  8. "leaving technophobes vulnerable to being scammed." -> "rendering technophobes susceptible to scams."
    Explanation: Replacing "vulnerable to being scammed" with "susceptible to scams" maintains formality and clarity.

  9. "The elderly groups of people in the USA, for instance," -> "For instance, the elderly population in the USA,"
    Explanation: Rearranging the sentence for better flow and replacing "groups of people" with "population" contributes to a more formal structure.

  10. "by a report conducted by Harvard university in 2018." -> "according to a 2018 report by Harvard University."
    Explanation: Adjusting the phrasing to "according to a 2018 report by Harvard University" aligns with a more standard academic citation style.

  11. "Hackers hack the accounts and may misuse the data shared by social media, stealing a substantial amount of money." -> "Hackers compromise accounts, potentially exploiting shared data on social media and pilfering significant sums of money."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and provides a clearer structure.

  12. "Additionally, not only does cybercrime cause financial damage to the users," -> "Furthermore, cybercrime not only inflicts financial harm on users,"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow and replacing "Additionally" with "Furthermore" contributes to a more formal tone.

  13. "the phenomenon of cyberbullying may also lead to mental damage." -> "the occurrence of cyberbullying may also result in psychological harm."
    Explanation: Substituting "phenomenon" with "occurrence" and "mental damage" with "psychological harm" enhances formality and precision.

  14. "Social media allows people to hide their identities, contributing to the high rate of cyberbullying since they know they will not be punished for their behaviors." -> "Social media enables individuals to conceal their identities, contributing to the elevated incidence of cyberbullying, as perpetrators are aware of the limited consequences for their actions."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs more formal language and provides a clearer description of the relationship between identity concealment and cyberbullying.

  15. "although networking sites provide people with many benefits," -> "While networking sites offer various advantages,"
    Explanation: Replacing "provide people with many benefits" with "offer various advantages" enhances formality and conciseness.

  16. "it may lead us to fall into aforementioned problems." -> "it may expose us to the aforementioned issues."
    Explanation: Substituting "lead us to fall into" with "expose us to" and changing "problems" to "issues" improves the formality and precision of the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of using social media. The mention of staying in touch, catching up with others, and accessing the latest events shows an awareness of the different aspects of social media use.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both sides, a more balanced discussion could strengthen the argument. Additionally, providing specific examples of advantages and disadvantages would enhance the depth of analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by firmly stating that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. The thesis is well-defined in the introduction and consistently supported in the body paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the position in the conclusion as a reminder to the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, such as the benefits of staying in touch and accessing global events through social media. However, some points lack development, and the examples provided are somewhat generic.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on examples and provide specific details to make the ideas more vivid and compelling. Use concrete instances to illustrate both the advantages and disadvantages, enhancing the depth of analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but could benefit from a more direct and focused approach. There is a slight deviation when discussing cybercrime, and the mention of cyberbullying is somewhat abrupt.
    • How to improve: Maintain a more direct connection to the main topic throughout the essay. Clearly link each point back to the overarching theme of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

Overall Comments:

The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of using social media. It maintains a clear stance throughout, but a more balanced approach and specific examples would enhance the depth of analysis. The ideas are presented clearly, but further development and specificity in examples would strengthen the overall argument. The essay generally stays on topic but could benefit from a more focused approach to ensure each point directly contributes to the central theme. Overall, a well-organized and coherent response that demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction and thesis statement, followed by two body paragraphs presenting advantages and disadvantages. However, there is a slight imbalance in the depth of exploration between the advantages and disadvantages, with the disadvantages receiving more detailed attention. The flow of ideas is generally clear, but transitions between paragraphs could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a balanced treatment of advantages and disadvantages. Additionally, work on improving the transition between paragraphs for a more seamless flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure can be refined. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, with a clear topic sentence. In some instances, the essay lacks topic sentences, and paragraph breaks are not consistently used to separate distinct points.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by including clear topic sentences that convey the main idea of each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, and use paragraph breaks judiciously to maintain clarity.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "Admittedly" and "On the contrary." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of cohesive devices. More explicit linking words and phrases could be incorporated to enhance coherence and guide the reader through the essay more effectively.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transitions, and pronouns. Explicitly connect ideas within and between sentences to create a smoother flow. Be mindful of the balance between formal cohesion and natural expression.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of coherence and cohesion, refinements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices can contribute to a more polished and effective response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use varied words and expressions, there is room for improvement. For instance, phrases like "social media have become omnipresent" and "the hazard of being stolen" display some variety, but the overall range could be extended to enhance the depth of expression.

    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and idiomatic expressions. For instance, instead of "social media have become omnipresent," you might use "social media have permeated every facet of modern life." This change not only adds variety but also elevates the language.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the demerits of this development outweigh its merits" is precise, but phrases like "fall into aforementioned problems" are less specific.

    • How to improve: Strive for precision by avoiding vague expressions. Instead of "fall into aforementioned problems," consider specifying the issues, such as "succumb to the risks outlined earlier." This change not only clarifies the point but also demonstrates a more nuanced command of vocabulary.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a reasonable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as missing articles ("a person,for instance") and typographical errors ("Facebook or X"). These do not significantly hinder comprehension but can be improved.

    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, carefully proofread your essay. Pay close attention to articles, punctuation, and proper names. Additionally, consider using writing tools with spell-check features to catch and correct minor errors more efficiently. Proofreading can significantly contribute to improving overall spelling precision.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precision in usage, and enhancing spelling accuracy. Focus on incorporating more nuanced expressions, refining precise vocabulary usage, and diligently proofreading to elevate the overall lexical quality of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, the variety could be enhanced by incorporating more complex structures, such as subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings.
    • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with subordinate clauses. Vary the beginnings of sentences by using introductory phrases or clauses. For instance, instead of starting sentences with "Social media" repeatedly, try incorporating phrases like "In the realm of social media" or "Contrary to popular belief."
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of minor grammatical errors, such as in the sentence "A live video of the music concert in Vietnam shared by a person, for instance, could be witnessed by all members of the friend list." The use of the comma before "for instance" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the sentence.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to the placement of commas and ensure they are used appropriately. In this case, removing the comma before "for instance" would improve the sentence’s clarity and flow. Additionally, review sentence structures for subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency in verb tense throughout the essay.

In summary, while the essay effectively employs a variety of sentence structures, there is room for improvement in introducing more complex constructions. Additionally, careful attention to minor grammatical errors, especially in terms of punctuation, will enhance overall clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

Social media has become ubiquitous worldwide. While staying informed with the latest news and keeping in touch with others through platforms like Facebook or X, I strongly contend that the drawbacks of this development outweigh its benefits.

Admittedly, social media can bring the whole world closer. For instance, with the proliferation of virtual platforms, such as Facebook or X, we indeed derive numerous significant benefits. It enables us to contact friends anytime, anywhere, facilitating communication. Furthermore, we can easily access the latest global events. For example, a live video of a music concert in Vietnam shared by a person could be witnessed by all members of the friend list, regardless of their locations. Overall, we derive many significant benefits from these networking sites, enhancing our lives.

On the contrary, our personal information may be vulnerable to the risk of theft. The incidence of cybercrime has surged to unprecedented levels, rendering technophobes susceptible to scams. For instance, the elderly population in the USA, as highlighted in a 2018 report by Harvard University, may be targeted by hackers who compromise accounts, potentially exploiting shared data on social media and pilfering significant sums of money. Furthermore, cybercrime not only inflicts financial harm on users, but the occurrence of cyberbullying may also result in psychological harm.

Social media enables individuals to conceal their identities, contributing to the elevated incidence of cyberbullying, as perpetrators are aware of the limited consequences for their actions. While networking sites offer various advantages, it may expose us to the aforementioned issues.

In conclusion, although networking sites provide people with many benefits, the drawbacks, such as the risk of theft and the occurrence of cyberbullying, outweigh these advantages. It is crucial to navigate the digital landscape cautiously, considering both the positive and negative aspects of social media use.

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