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Many people assume that the goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods. To what extent do you agree and disagree that constantly increasing production is an appropriate goal

Many people assume that the goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods.
To what extent do you agree and disagree that constantly increasing production is an appropriate goal

Many individuals hold a belief that countries around the world should have stable production of cosmetic material. I disagree with those who support the idea that each nation prioritize their effort on the mass production of good and materials.
First and foremost, developed countries do not focus on producing goods and products. This is because, these productions activities make little profit than others. For instant, as statistic, the interest of an Iphone 6 equal to 3 tons of rice exported; lucrative business only launch products with limit quantity. What they do to make more income is investing on marketing, spending more on research and development activities to enhance their products quality. Furthermore, if a country concentrates mostly on mass production, they will hardly get rich. The famous corporation from wealth countries, doing outsourcing by building a huge number of factories in developing countries and take advantage of cheap labour.
In addition, these countries that they make more income by investing and launching cutting edge technologies, upgrade the quality of education, health system and all the domestic infrastructure, etc. Moreover, investing in improving their services and promoting tourism is a real plus point. However, increasing production is a stable method to remain a sustainable development of an economy. There is a reason why the goal of producing goods of the countries is still important . There are always risks like financial crisis, terrorism or pandemic like Covid 19 happening and that will make the global economy and finance go down. Most countries have been affected by these crisis and the only thing they need on that period is materials and goods.
In conclusion, although producing more products is an important step to gain profit, the countries that they widen their fields on other activities could contribute more to nation's revenue.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Many individuals hold a belief that" -> "Many individuals advocate for the idea that"
    Explanation: Replacing "hold a belief that" with "advocate for the idea that" adds formality to the expression, aligning it better with academic style.

  2. "I disagree with those who support the idea that each nation prioritize their effort on the mass production of good and materials." -> "I disagree with those who advocate for each nation to prioritize its efforts on the mass production of goods and materials."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and using "advocate for" instead of "support the idea that" maintains a more formal tone.

  3. "First and foremost, developed countries do not focus on producing goods and products." -> "First and foremost, developed nations do not primarily focus on manufacturing goods."
    Explanation: Substituting "countries" with "nations" and replacing "producing goods and products" with "manufacturing goods" enhances precision and academic tone.

  4. "For instant, as statistic, the interest of an Iphone 6 equal to 3 tons of rice exported;" -> "For instance, as a statistic, the production cost of an iPhone 6 is equivalent to the export value of 3 tons of rice;"
    Explanation: Correcting the phrase "For instant" to "For instance," and refining the comparison by specifying the production cost of the iPhone and the export value of rice improves clarity and precision.

  5. "lucrative business only launch products with limit quantity." -> "Lucrative businesses only launch products in limited quantities."
    Explanation: Replacing "launch products with limit quantity" with "launch products in limited quantities" maintains conciseness while improving grammatical correctness.

  6. "What they do to make more income is investing on marketing, spending more on research and development activities to enhance their products quality." -> "To increase income, they invest in marketing, allocate more funds to research and development activities, and enhance the quality of their products."
    Explanation: Rewording the sentence for clarity, using "increase income" instead of "make more income," and improving the structure enhances the formal tone.

  7. "Furthermore, if a country concentrates mostly on mass production, they will hardly get rich." -> "Furthermore, if a country predominantly focuses on mass production, it is unlikely to achieve wealth."
    Explanation: Substituting "concentrates mostly on" with "predominantly focuses on" and changing "they will hardly get rich" to "it is unlikely to achieve wealth" improves formality and precision.

  8. "The famous corporation from wealth countries, doing outsourcing by building a huge number of factories in developing countries and take advantage of cheap labour." -> "Prominent corporations in wealthy nations engage in outsourcing by establishing a large number of factories in developing countries and exploiting inexpensive labor."
    Explanation: Replacing "famous corporation" with "prominent corporations," rephrasing "wealth countries" to "wealthy nations," and changing "take advantage of" to "exploiting" contribute to a more formal and precise expression.

  9. "Moreover, investing in improving their services and promoting tourism is a real plus point." -> "Moreover, investing in enhancing their services and promoting tourism is a significant advantage."
    Explanation: Replacing "is a real plus point" with "is a significant advantage" maintains formality and precision.

  10. "There is a reason why the goal of producing goods of the countries is still important." -> "There is a reason why the objective of producing goods remains crucial for nations."
    Explanation: Substituting "goal" with "objective" and rephrasing "of producing goods of the countries" to "of producing goods" improves clarity and academic style.

  11. "There are always risks like financial crisis, terrorism or pandemic like Covid 19 happening and that will make the global economy and finance go down." -> "There are always risks such as financial crises, terrorism, or pandemics like Covid-19 occurring, and these can lead to a downturn in the global economy and finances."
    Explanation: Enhancing precision by using "such as" instead of "like," specifying "financial crises," and improving the structure of the sentence contribute to a more formal tone.

  12. "Most countries have been affected by these crisis and the only thing they need on that period is materials and goods." -> "Most countries have been affected by these crises, and during such periods, their primary requirement is materials and goods."
    Explanation: Correcting the plural form "crisis" to "crises" and rephrasing "on that period" to "during such periods" improves grammatical correctness and clarity.

  13. "In conclusion, although producing more products is an important step to gain profit, the countries that they widen their fields on other activities could contribute more to nation’s revenue." -> "In conclusion, while increasing production is an important step to gain profit, countries that diversify their activities could contribute more to the nation’s revenue."
    Explanation: Replacing "the countries that they widen their fields on other activities" with "countries that diversify their activities" improves clarity, and using "nation’s revenue" instead of "nation’s" enhances precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It recognizes the belief in the importance of stable production but does not thoroughly explore the extent to which countries should prioritize it. While it mentions the drawbacks of mass production, a more nuanced discussion is needed.
    • How to improve: Provide a more comprehensive analysis of the prompt, discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of prioritizing constant production. Consider addressing the underlying assumptions in the prompt and providing a balanced evaluation.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against prioritizing mass production. However, the expression of this position could be more explicit and strongly asserted. There are moments where the stance might seem ambiguous.
    • How to improve: Clearly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Strengthen the language to make the position more definitive and evident throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks in-depth development and support. For instance, the point about developed countries not focusing on mass production needs further elaboration and evidence. Examples are provided but lack specificity.
    • How to improve: Expand on each idea with detailed explanations, examples, and evidence. Use specific instances to support general statements and ensure a logical flow in presenting and extending ideas.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic. For instance, the discussion about outsourcing and cheap labor, while relevant to some extent, could be more directly connected to the central theme.
    • How to improve: Maintain a more direct and focused approach to the prompt. Ensure that all examples and discussions directly contribute to the evaluation of the appropriateness of constantly increasing production as a goal.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt and presents a clear stance against prioritizing constant production. However, improvement is needed in providing a more thorough analysis, explicitly stating and reinforcing the position, developing and supporting ideas with specificity, and maintaining a more focused discussion directly related to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction is clear in presenting the writer’s stance, but there is a lack of a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs attempt to support the argument, but the flow could be improved. Transitions between ideas are generally present but could be more explicit, making it easier for the reader to follow the writer’s line of reasoning.
    • How to improve: Consider refining the thesis statement to clearly outline the writer’s position. Work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs, ensuring a logical progression of ideas. Group related points together and avoid abrupt shifts.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure is somewhat inconsistent. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, making it challenging for the reader to distinguish between distinct points. The essay lacks topic sentences in some paragraphs, contributing to a sense of disjointedness.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea. Maintain a consistent structure within paragraphs, focusing on developing a single idea per paragraph. Use topic sentences to guide the reader through the essay’s organization.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates some cohesive devices, such as pronouns and transition words, but their usage is limited. Pronouns like "they" and "these" are occasionally unclear, and the essay would benefit from a more extensive variety of cohesive devices to strengthen the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to enhance the overall flow. Use a variety of transition words (e.g., furthermore, moreover, however) to create smoother connections between ideas. Ensure pronouns are unambiguous, specifying the nouns they refer to. This will improve the overall clarity and cohesiveness of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in coherence and cohesion, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and effective piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with some attempts at using varied words and phrases. However, there is room for improvement in terms of richness and diversity. For instance, there’s a reliance on general terms like "goods" and "products" throughout the essay. Additionally, the phrase "cosmetic material" in the introduction may be confusing as it doesn’t seem to align with the context of the prompt.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider incorporating more specific and contextually relevant terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "goods" and "products," explore synonyms such as "commodities," "merchandise," or "artifacts." In the introduction, ensure that the vocabulary aligns more closely with the prompt, perhaps using terms like "material possessions" or "manufactured items."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays an attempt at precision in vocabulary usage, but there are instances where words may not be the most precise fit. For example, the phrase "cutting edge technologies" could be more specific, as it is a somewhat overused term. There’s also a mention of "stable production of cosmetic material," which seems to misinterpret the prompt.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by avoiding clichés like "cutting edge" and opting for more specific language. Instead of "cosmetic material," consider terms like "consumer goods" or "manufactured items" to maintain alignment with the prompt. Use precise language to convey nuanced meanings and avoid generalizations.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally adheres to correct spelling, but there are a few errors, such as "for instant" instead of "for instance." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, like "doing outsourcing," which may hinder overall clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to common spelling errors, especially with phrases like "for instance." Proofread the essay to catch awkward phrasing, and consider rephrasing to improve clarity. Additionally, be cautious with the use of terms like "doing outsourcing"; it’s advisable to use more standard expressions such as "outsourcing their operations."

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, refining precision and diversifying word choices will contribute to an enhanced Lexical Resource score. Additionally, ensure that the language used aligns closely with the context and requirements of the essay prompt.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, and there is a lack of complex structures. For instance, sentences like "Many individuals hold a belief that countries around the world should have stable production of cosmetic material" are straightforward and lack complexity. Diversifying sentence structures, such as incorporating complex sentences or using varied sentence lengths, can enhance the overall quality of the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating a mix of sentence structures, including compound-complex sentences, to convey ideas more effectively. For example, instead of relying on simple sentences, try connecting ideas with subordinating conjunctions or using relative clauses.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "lucrative business only launch products with limit quantity" has a subject-verb agreement error. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in sentences like "Moreover, investing in improving their services and promoting tourism is a real plus point." Correcting these errors is essential for achieving grammatical accuracy.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical errors. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools to enhance accuracy.

Overall, while the essay effectively communicates its main points, addressing these grammatical and structural issues would significantly improve the overall quality and elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals advocate for the idea that countries worldwide should maintain a steady production of consumer goods. I disagree with those who argue that each nation should prioritize mass production of goods and materials.

First and foremost, developed nations do not primarily focus on manufacturing goods. This is because production activities yield lower profits compared to other ventures. For instance, as a statistic, the production cost of an iPhone 6 is equivalent to the export value of 3 tons of rice; lucrative businesses only launch products in limited quantities. To increase income, they invest in marketing, allocate more funds to research and development activities, and enhance the quality of their products.

Furthermore, if a country predominantly focuses on mass production, it is unlikely to achieve wealth. Prominent corporations in wealthy nations engage in outsourcing by establishing a large number of factories in developing countries and exploiting inexpensive labor. Moreover, investing in enhancing services and promoting tourism is a significant advantage.

There is a reason why the objective of producing goods remains crucial for nations. There are always risks such as financial crises, terrorism, or pandemics like Covid-19 occurring, and these can lead to a downturn in the global economy and finances. Most countries have been affected by these crises, and during such periods, their primary requirement is materials and goods.

In conclusion, while increasing production is an important step to gain profit, countries that diversify their activities could contribute more to the nation’s revenue.

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