Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness, while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors. Discuss both views and include your own opinion.

Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness, while others
think happiness is dependent on other external factors. Discuss both views and include your
own opinion.

The dichotomy of free will and determinism is often employed to frame discussions on human
happiness. This essay discusses both of these philosophies, asserting that an amalgamation of
personal volition and external influences shape an individual's perceived contentment.
Advocates of the 'free will' perspective posit that happiness is largely a by-product of individual
responsibility. They argue that every individual holds sovereignty intrinsic facets of their lives,
including their worldview, life choices, and actions, each of which directly bears on their mental
wellness. This is evident when individuals confront feelings of unhappiness, they have the agency to
cultivate a positive mindset, resilience, or a growth-focused attitude to navigate adversities or
difficult times. This viewpoint underscores the belief that unhappiness is not a product of external
circumstances but rather a consequence of personal choices and attitudes.
Contrastingly, determinists argue that external forces, especially socioeconomic conditions and
interpersonal relationships, primarily shape an individual's well-being. They insist that societal
structures and financial constraints, namely poverty, can directly affect an individual's quality of
life. This can be seen in individuals from economically disadvantaged backgrounds who,
irrespective of their personal choices and adopted mindset, grapple with feelings of inadequacy and
inferiority, steering them towards dissatisfaction with life. Similarly, individuals entrenched in
toxic relationships or fractured family dynamics often find it challenging to attain inner
satisfaction, regardless of their personal choices.
In conclusion, my stance is a synthesis of these two philosophies. This is because while personal
choices and attitudes sculpt an individual's response to life's challenges, external factors-primarily
socioeconomic conditions and relationships-also has a pivotal role in shaping their mental wellness.
This balanced perspective, appreciating the interplay between personal autonomy and an
empowering environment, presents a more comprehensive pathway to happiness

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Errors and Improvements:

"employed" -> "utilized"
Explanation: Replacing "employed" with "utilized" adds a more formal tone to the sentence, aligning with academic style and avoiding potential informality.
"philosophies" -> "philosophical perspectives"
Explanation: Substituting "philosophies" with "philosophical perspectives" provides a more precise and formal expression, enhancing the academic character of the sentence.
"asserting" -> "contending"
Explanation: Replacing "asserting" with "contending" contributes a more sophisticated and nuanced term, fitting for an academic discussion on philosophical concepts.
"amalgamation" -> "integration"
Explanation: Substituting "amalgamation" with "integration" maintains clarity while introducing a more formal and precise term suitable for academic writing.
"personal volition" -> "individual agency"
Explanation: Changing "personal volition" to "individual agency" offers a more academic and refined term, aligning with the formality expected in scholarly discussions.
"worldview" -> "perspective on life"
Explanation: Replacing "worldview" with "perspective on life" ensures a clearer and more explicitly defined term, enhancing the precision of the sentence.
"confront feelings" -> "address emotions"
Explanation: Substituting "confront feelings" with "address emotions" introduces a more formal expression, emphasizing a measured approach to discussing emotional responses.
"adversities or difficult times" -> "challenges or hardships"
Explanation: Changing "adversities or difficult times" to "challenges or hardships" maintains the intended meaning while using more formal and academic language.
"underscore" -> "emphasize"
Explanation: Replacing "underscore" with "emphasize" offers a more formal synonym, contributing to the academic tone of the sentence.
"primarily shape" -> "predominantly influence"
Explanation: Substituting "primarily shape" with "predominantly influence" introduces a more sophisticated term, aligning with the academic context and providing a nuanced expression.
"Insist" -> "Argue"
Explanation: Changing "Insist" to "Argue" maintains the assertiveness of the statement while using a more formal and academic verb.
"can directly affect" -> "may directly impact"
Explanation: Substituting "can directly affect" with "may directly impact" introduces a more precise and formal expression, aligning with the academic style.
"grapple with feelings" -> "struggle with emotions"
Explanation: Changing "grapple with feelings" to "struggle with emotions" provides a more formal and precise description of the emotional experience.
"attain inner satisfaction" -> "achieve internal contentment"
Explanation: Substituting "attain inner satisfaction" with "achieve internal contentment" offers a more formal and nuanced expression, suitable for academic discourse.
"synthesis" -> "integration"
Explanation: Replacing "synthesis" with "integration" maintains the idea while using a more formal and precise term in the context of philosophical discussion.
"personal autonomy" -> "individual autonomy"
Explanation: Changing "personal autonomy" to "individual autonomy" introduces a more formal term, aligning with the academic style expected in philosophical essays.
"presents a more comprehensive pathway" -> "provides a more holistic approach"
Explanation: Substituting "presents a more comprehensive pathway" with "provides a more holistic approach" offers a more formal and academically suitable expression while maintaining clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Quoted text: "The dichotomy of free will and determinism is often employed to frame discussions on human happiness. This essay discusses both of these philosophies, asserting that an amalgamation of personal volition and external influences shape an individual’s perceived contentment."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your introduction successfully addresses the essay prompt and presents the dichotomy between free will and determinism. However, to enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating your position on the topic in the introduction. This will provide a clear roadmap for the reader. For instance, you might say, "In this essay, I will explore the interplay between personal agency and external factors in influencing individual happiness."
- Improved example: "The dichotomy of free will and determinism is often employed to frame discussions on human happiness. In this essay, I will explore the interplay between personal agency and external factors in influencing individual happiness, asserting that an amalgamation of personal volition and external influences shape an individual’s perceived contentment."
Quoted text: "Advocates of the ‘free will’ perspective posit that happiness is largely a by-product of individual responsibility."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your argument is well-articulated in support of the ‘free will’ perspective. However, to further strengthen your position, consider providing a concrete example or personal experience that illustrates how an individual’s responsibility directly contributes to their happiness. This will add depth and persuasiveness to your argument.
- Improved example: "Advocates of the ‘free will’ perspective posit that happiness is largely a by-product of individual responsibility. For instance, taking control of one’s career choices or cultivating positive relationships are instances where personal responsibility significantly contributes to overall happiness."
Quoted text: "Contrastingly, determinists argue that external forces, especially socioeconomic conditions and interpersonal relationships, primarily shape an individual’s well-being."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your argument in favor of determinism is clear and supported. To enhance your analysis, consider providing a counterexample or acknowledging instances where personal choices may still play a role despite external factors. This will add nuance to your discussion and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
- Improved example: "Contrastingly, determinists argue that external forces, especially socioeconomic conditions and interpersonal relationships, primarily shape an individual’s well-being. While this holds true in many cases, it’s essential to recognize that personal choices, even within challenging circumstances, can still influence one’s mental well-being."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, but incorporating these suggestions can elevate your argument and further engage the reader.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score: Band Score: 8.0

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Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logicalBand Score: 8.0
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Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logicallyBand Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of informationBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically.Band Score: 8.0

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Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of information and ideasBand Score: 8.0
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Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structureBand Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of information and ideas, effectively balancing the perspectives of free will and determinism in relation to happiness. Cohesion is skillBand Score: 8.0
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Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of information and ideas, effectively balancing the perspectives of free will and determinism in relation to happiness. Cohesion is skillfullyBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
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Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of information and ideas, effectively balancing the perspectives of free will and determinism in relation to happiness. Cohesion is skillfully managedBand Score: 8.0
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Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of information and ideas, effectively balancing the perspectives of free will and determinism in relation to happiness. Cohesion is skillfully managed throughoutBand Score: 8.0
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Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of information and ideas, effectively balancing the perspectives of free will and determinism in relation to happiness. Cohesion is skillfully managed throughout the essay,Band Score: 8.0
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Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of information and ideas, effectively balancing the perspectives of free will and determinism in relation to happiness. Cohesion is skillfully managed throughout the essay, withBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To furtherBand Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of information and ideas, effectively balancing the perspectives of free will and determinism in relation to happiness. Cohesion is skillfully managed throughout the essay, with the use of cohesive devices that attract no undue attention. The paragraphing is well-structured, aiding the overall coherence of the essayBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence andBand Score: 8.0

Band Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, considerBand Score: 8.0

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Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
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Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
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Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
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How to improveBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughoutBand Score**: 8.0

How to improve:Band Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smootherBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: WhileBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flowBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essayBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flow betweenBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizesBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flow between ideasBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devicesBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flow between ideas couldBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices,Band Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flow between ideas could elevateBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, thereBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flow between ideas could elevate theBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, there isBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flow between ideas could elevate the essayBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, there is roomBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flow between ideas could elevate the essay’sBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, there is room forBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flow between ideas could elevate the essay’s coherenceBand Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, there is room for aBand Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay effectively sequences and presents information logically. It manages cohesion well, utilizing cohesive devices to connect ideas coherently. Paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately, enhancing the overall structure.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider varying the range of cohesive devices used and ensure consistent usage throughout the essay. Additionally, refining paragraph transitions to create an even smoother flow between ideas could elevate the essay’s coherence.Band Score: 8.0

How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, there is room for a more nuanced use of transitions to enhance the flow between ideas. Additionally, paying attention to the balance of the essay’s length across paragraphs could further improve overall coherence. Consider ensuring that each paragraph maintains a similar level of detail and depth to achieve greater consistency.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a wide range of vocabulary with a generally natural and sophisticated control of lexical features. The author uses uncommon lexical items, and there are only occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay effectively conveys precise meanings, and spelling and word formation errors are rare, occurring as minor slips.

How to improve: To further enhance the Lexical Resource score, the author could consider incorporating a few more advanced and contextually appropriate vocabulary items. While the essay is strong in its use of language, a more consistent application of sophisticated vocabulary throughout the essay would contribute to a more seamless and refined expression of ideas. Additionally, paying extra attention to minor inaccuracies in word choice and collocation can help elevate the score towards the top band. Overall, maintaining a high level of precision in vocabulary usage and minimizing any infrequent errors would solidify the lexical resource criteria at a Band 9 level.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, utilizing a variety of complex structures with generally accurate execution. The sentences are well-constructed, and the essay maintains good control over language use. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as in the phrase "hold sovereignty intrinsic facets," where the wording could be more precise. Additionally, the phrase "they have the agency to cultivate a positive mindset" might be considered slightly awkward.

How to Improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the author could focus on refining sentence structures for greater clarity. Paying closer attention to word choices and ensuring they precisely convey the intended meaning would further elevate the essay. Proofreading for minor errors and refining sentence constructions would contribute to a more polished and error-free presentation.

Bài sửa mẫu

The discussion about what influences our happiness revolves around the concepts of free will and determinism. In this essay, we will explore both perspectives, suggesting that a combination of personal choices and external factors contributes to how individuals perceive contentment.

Supporters of the ‘free will’ viewpoint argue that happiness is closely tied to personal responsibility. They contend that individuals have control over essential aspects of their lives, such as their outlook, decisions, and actions. These aspects directly impact mental well-being. When people face unhappiness, they possess the ability to foster a positive mindset, resilience, or a growth-oriented attitude to navigate challenges. This perspective emphasizes that unhappiness is not merely a result of external circumstances but rather stems from personal choices and attitudes.

On the contrary, determinists claim that external influences, particularly socio-economic conditions and interpersonal relationships, play a significant role in shaping an individual’s well-being. They maintain that societal structures and financial constraints, like poverty, can directly influence a person’s quality of life. This is evident in individuals from economically disadvantaged backgrounds who, despite personal choices and mindset, struggle with feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, leading to dissatisfaction with life. Similarly, those caught in toxic relationships or strained family dynamics often find it difficult to achieve inner satisfaction, irrespective of their personal choices.

In conclusion, my perspective combines elements from both philosophies. While personal choices and attitudes shape an individual’s response to life’s challenges, external factors, especially socio-economic conditions and relationships, also play a crucial role in molding mental wellness. This balanced approach, acknowledging the interplay between personal autonomy and a supportive environment, provides a more comprehensive pathway to happiness.