Many people believe that success comes from hard work. Others think success comes from luck.
On the one hand, some individuals are more convinced that successful people always make an effort to achieve the glory of accomplishments. The major factor is that concerted efforts help people build the essential steps to prepare for a process that leads to success. Hard work can create a sense of perseverance and endurance, enabling individuals to overcome obstacles toward their goals. To be more specific, “Be 1% better every day” is a renowned quote by Usain Bolt who was born and bred in a deprived background and had a dark complexion, forcing his relentless efforts to enroll in the Olympic competitions. Daily, he tries to run one second faster than yesterday, which allows him to become one of the fastest runners in the world. Thus, achieving goals is not straightforward, requiring a high discipline of spirit and relentless efforts throughout a long period to achieve desired outcomes.
On the other hand, there are various reasons why people assert that good fortune plays an essential role in a person’s success. The main reason contributing to success is pure luck when individuals are given windows of opportunity to achieve success. These chances can range from unexpected factors such as being in the right place at the right time. Fortuitous timing or stumbling upon unpredictable opportunities can impact a whole business's general direction, leading to glorious victory. The Covid-19 pandemic created favorable conditions for online educational programs such as Zoom, Teams, and Google Meetings which are outstanding examples. The stock of Zoom skyrocketed 20 times compared to pre-pandemic times, creating an abundant source of profit for these enterprises. Therefore, without such sheer luck in the first place, these businesses probably would not have been able to thrive as today.
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Errors and Improvements:
"successful people always make an effort" -> "successful individuals consistently exert effort"
Explanation: Replacing "successful people always make an effort" with "successful individuals consistently exert effort" introduces a more formal tone and employs a more precise term, ‘exert,’ to convey the idea of making an effort.
"glory of accomplishments" -> "heights of achievement"
Explanation: Replacing "glory of accomplishments" with "heights of achievement" enhances the formality and specificity of the expression, providing a more refined alternative.
"concentrated efforts help people build the essential steps" -> "concerted efforts assist individuals in laying the crucial foundation"
Explanation: Substituting "concentrated efforts help people build the essential steps" with "concerted efforts assist individuals in laying the crucial foundation" maintains formality while offering a more sophisticated way to express the idea of building a foundation through effort.
"To be more specific" -> "To elucidate further"
Explanation: Replacing "To be more specific" with "To elucidate further" adds formality and precision to the transition, contributing to a more academically appropriate tone.
"relentless efforts to enroll in the Olympic competitions" -> "relentless efforts to qualify for the Olympic competitions"
Explanation: Changing "enroll" to "qualify for" in "relentless efforts to enroll in the Olympic competitions" clarifies that the focus is on achieving qualification rather than mere enrollment, aligning better with the context of sports.
"Daily, he tries to run one second faster than yesterday" -> "On a daily basis, he endeavors to improve his running time by one second compared to the previous day"
Explanation: Expanding "Daily, he tries to run one second faster than yesterday" to "On a daily basis, he endeavors to improve his running time by one second compared to the previous day" enhances formality and clarity, avoiding the colloquial "tries" and providing a more detailed description.
"achieving goals is not straightforward" -> "attaining goals is not a straightforward endeavor"
Explanation: Substituting "achieving goals is not straightforward" with "attaining goals is not a straightforward endeavor" maintains clarity while incorporating a more formal and precise expression.
"a high discipline of spirit" -> "a strong sense of discipline"
Explanation: Changing "a high discipline of spirit" to "a strong sense of discipline" simplifies the expression without sacrificing formality, providing a clearer and more conventional phrasing.
"there are various reasons why people assert that" -> "several factors contribute to the assertion that"
Explanation: Replacing "there are various reasons why people assert that" with "several factors contribute to the assertion that" introduces a more sophisticated and concise structure to convey the idea of multiple contributing factors.
"pure luck when individuals are given windows of opportunity" -> "fortuitous circumstances when individuals encounter windows of opportunity"
Explanation: Substituting "pure luck when individuals are given windows of opportunity" with "fortuitous circumstances when individuals encounter windows of opportunity" maintains formality while introducing a more precise expression, ‘fortuitous circumstances.’
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both perspectives outlined in the prompt. It discusses the importance of hard work in achieving success, exemplified through Usain Bolt’s dedication to incremental improvement. Additionally, it acknowledges the role of luck by citing the pandemic’s impact on online educational platforms like Zoom. Both perspectives are presented with reasonable depth and clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance this section, consider offering more nuanced examples that directly relate to the prompt. Moreover, a clearer delineation between the two perspectives could further strengthen the overall response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance on both sides of the argument. It begins with an emphasis on hard work and subsequently explores the significance of luck in achieving success. The positions are well-developed and consistently articulated throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To elevate this section, ensure a stronger thesis statement that explicitly indicates the author’s stance from the outset. Additionally, maintain a balanced exploration of both perspectives to avoid potential bias towards one side.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas supported by illustrative examples. It effectively extends these ideas, especially in the case of Usain Bolt’s dedication and the impact of the pandemic on Zoom. The examples provided sufficiently support the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To further enhance this section, consider incorporating a wider array of examples or incorporating additional depth into the existing ones. Moreover, ensure a stronger connection between the ideas presented and the central argument of the essay.
Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the influence of hard work and luck on success. However, there might be a minor deviation in the depth of analysis, especially concerning luck, which could be addressed to ensure a more balanced discussion throughout.
- How to improve: To maintain a more focused discussion, ensure each point or example directly connects to the prompt. Moreover, strive for a more equal distribution of depth between the two perspectives to avoid potential imbalances in the argumentation.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt by addressing both perspectives of success stemming from hard work and luck. To improve, it could benefit from refining the structure for a more distinct separation between the arguments, enhancing the thesis statement’s clarity, and ensuring equal depth in the exploration of both perspectives. Furthermore, diversifying examples and maintaining a direct link to the prompt will elevate the overall coherence and depth of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization with a clear progression throughout. Each paragraph is focused on presenting a particular viewpoint, and there is a discernible flow from one idea to the next. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and each body paragraph builds on the previous one. For instance, the essay first explores the belief in success through hard work and then transitions seamlessly to the opposing view about the role of luck in success.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider ensuring that the progression of ideas within each paragraph follows a coherent structure. Provide clear topic sentences and use transitions to guide the reader through the essay seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs generally effective paragraphing, with mostly logical idea sequencing. Each paragraph is dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument, facilitating clarity and coherence. There is a commendable balance between presenting ideas and providing supporting examples within each paragraph. However, there are instances where the connection between sentences could be strengthened to create a smoother flow.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, focus on ensuring that each sentence within a paragraph contributes directly to the central idea. Consider using transitional phrases to establish stronger connections between sentences, creating a more fluid and cohesive paragraph structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a flexible use of cohesive devices, although there are some instances of inaccuracies or inappropriate amounts. Cohesive devices, such as pronouns and transition words, are employed effectively to connect ideas and maintain a coherent flow. However, there are a few areas where the transition between ideas could be smoother, impacting the overall cohesion.
- How to improve: To enhance the use of cohesive devices, pay close attention to the balance and appropriateness of transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each cohesive device serves its intended purpose, contributing to the overall clarity and coherence of the essay. Additionally, consider using a wider variety of cohesive devices to diversify the essay’s connective elements.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable command of vocabulary, employing a wide range of terms fluently and flexibly. It incorporates specialized vocabulary such as "perseverance," "endurance," "fortuitous," and "glorious victory," enhancing the depth of expression. For instance, the use of "relentless efforts," "deprived background," and "pure luck" showcases nuanced vocabulary application.
- How to improve: While the vocabulary usage is strong, consider incorporating more domain-specific terminology or industry-specific jargon related to the essay’s context. Additionally, aim for further variety by exploring synonyms or alternative expressions where appropriate, ensuring precision without sacrificing clarity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains precision in vocabulary selection, effectively conveying intended meanings. However, there are instances where word choices could be refined for greater accuracy. For instance, phrases like "glorious victory" might benefit from more nuanced descriptors, and "sheer luck" could be substituted with a term that captures the idea more precisely.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, consider employing more specific descriptors or exploring synonyms that capture the intended nuances. While the vocabulary is strong overall, strive for subtlety and precision in expressions by using terms that precisely encapsulate the intended meanings without ambiguity.
Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates strong spelling accuracy with minimal errors that do not significantly impede communication. Instances of occasional errors, such as "endurence" (endurance), "completions" (competitions), and "abundant source of profit" (an abundant), are noted. These errors do not hinder the overall understanding of the content.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading attentively, paying particular attention to commonly misspelled words. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools to identify and rectify such errors before finalizing the essay.
Overall, the essay showcases a commendable level of vocabulary proficiency with varied and precise language use. To further elevate the lexical resource, focus on incorporating specialized terminology and refining word choices for enhanced precision while maintaining consistent attention to spelling accuracy. Additionally, thorough proofreading and vocabulary expansion exercises can contribute to continual improvement.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 6
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There is an attempt at variety, such as the inclusion of a quote and the use of both dependent and independent clauses. However, the flexibility is limited, and there is less accuracy in handling complex structures. For instance, in the sentence "To be more specific, ‘Be 1% better every day’ is a renowned quote by Usain Bolt who was born and bred in a deprived background and had a dark complexion, forcing his relentless efforts to enroll in the Olympic competitions," the complexity of ideas is conveyed, but the structure could be refined for clarity. The sentence is somewhat convoluted, affecting the overall coherence of the paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, focus on creating more diverse sentence types, ensuring that complex structures are used with precision. Break down complex ideas into clear, concise sentences to improve clarity and coherence. Consider varying the length and structure of sentences to add dynamism to the writing.
Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits accurate grammar with only occasional, minor errors. For instance, in the sentence, "Fortuitous timing or stumbling upon unpredictable opportunities can impact a whole business’s general direction, leading to glorious victory," the possessive form "business’s" is correctly used. However, there are instances where the complex structures introduce some grammatical intricacies, as seen in the previous example. These minor errors do not significantly impede understanding but suggest a need for more precise handling of grammar in complex sentences.
- How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to grammar in complex sentence structures. Break down complex sentences into simpler components to ensure each part is grammatically correct. Review rules related to possessives, verb agreement, and sentence structure. Consider seeking feedback on complex sentences to identify and rectify potential grammatical errors.
Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 9
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally well-managed throughout the essay. Commas, periods, and other punctuation marks are appropriately used, contributing to the overall readability. There are no major issues with punctuation that detract from the clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: Maintain the high standard of punctuation throughout the essay. Continue to use punctuation marks to guide the reader and enhance the flow of ideas. Consider incorporating more varied punctuation marks, such as colons or semicolons, where appropriate, to further enrich the structure and rhythm of the writing.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent command of grammatical range and accuracy, falling within the Band 6 criteria. To improve, focus on refining complex sentence structures for clarity, paying close attention to grammar in such instances. Additionally, continue the effective use of punctuation, considering opportunities to diversify punctuation marks for added sophistication.
Bài sửa mẫu
On one side of the spectrum, there is a prevailing belief that successful individuals consistently exert effort to attain heights of achievement. The pivotal factor here is the notion that concerted efforts assist individuals in laying the crucial foundation necessary for the journey towards success. Hard work instills a sense of perseverance and endurance, enabling individuals to surmount obstacles in the pursuit of their goals. To elucidate further, the renowned quote, “Be 1% better every day,” attributed to Usain Bolt, exemplifies this principle. Bolt, originating from a deprived background with a darker complexion, embarked on relentless efforts to qualify for Olympic competitions. On a daily basis, he endeavors to improve his running time by one second compared to the previous day, ultimately securing his place as one of the fastest runners globally. Thus, attaining goals is not a straightforward endeavor but demands a strong sense of discipline and relentless efforts sustained over an extended period.
Conversely, on the other hand, some argue that success is influenced significantly by luck. The primary rationale supporting this perspective is the fortuitous circumstances when individuals encounter windows of opportunity. These opportunities may manifest unexpectedly, such as being in the right place at the right time. Fortunate timing or stumbling upon unpredictable opportunities can profoundly impact the overall direction of a business, leading to glorious victory. A striking example is the Covid-19 pandemic, which created favorable conditions for online educational programs like Zoom, Teams, and Google Meetings. The stock of Zoom, for instance, skyrocketed 20 times compared to pre-pandemic times, generating substantial profits for these enterprises. Therefore, without the sheer luck of encountering such opportunities, these businesses might not have thrived as they do today.